Psychiatry: my personal experience
— gaining fundamental insights — Part 2

Hospitalization 2 — The politician's Consultant's promise…

Surely not again!

Okay, I'd goofed a bit, for, as already noted, (a) at that stage I'd actually not really begun to understand significantly and thus become able to address the big underlying problem — that of weaknesses in my non-physical aspects enabling the garbage to interfere with and attack me, and (b) I simply had no-one close enough for me to turn to in order to sleep away from my flat and with supportive company for a few nights when the garbage made things difficult for me.

Late November that year (i.e., 2004), the ordeals returned to me with a vengeance*. Late on Sunday 5th December, after three consecutive nights with no sleep, it appeared that I was in the process of dying. The only hope, apparently, was to get out quickly from my flat and stay out for a few nights somewhere else with a supportive person or people around — but my acute isolation pattern had meant that, as I've already intimated, I still had no-one to turn to for that purpose. Well, except for…

And so it was, that in a state of desperation, and trembling strongly for much of the time*, early on Monday 6th December I took a taxi to that hospital that I'd emphatically said I'd never, never, never return to (at least as a patient). I presented myself as a voluntary patient asking for help this time, and, much as my supposed inner 'guidance' had said would be the case, I secured agreement from the consultant (again Andrew Blewett) and ward doctor, in my brief initial meeting with them, that they would allow me to guide them regarding my healing needs, so this would surely all work very differently from before.

Actually, when I arrived at the hospital, I did so in particular trepidation, because my 'guidance' was repeatedly emphasizing to me that the consultant had seen the original version of this very page (i.e., nowadays Part 1 of this long account), which had already been on my website for a few weeks by then, and was extremely hurt and angry about what I'd written about him and the ward doctor, and so I'd have some really grovelling apology to do, and with very uncertain outcome.

In the event this was clearly more bullshit, for I'm sure that neither of them either knew of any web page of mine, nor would have had any interest in visiting it if they had come to know of it. They just wouldn't have wanted to get involved with something that they'd have realized (as it was written by me!) pointed so much away from their familiar (but absolutely useless and downright harmful) territory of psychiatry, and which would have been calling into question the value of their social and professional status as psychiatric doctor / consultant.

Keeping the elephants away

I'm not giving a repeat of the degree of detail that I've given above for my first stay at the hospital, and will here concentrate on some things that were different this time, and any additional observations and lessons to be learnt.

That Monday afternoon I allowed myself an offered one-off medication of a 5 mg tablet of Haloperidol, an antipsychotic drug that the nurses were keen that I take. At that stage I was still rather assuming that I was dying and the tablet wouldn't really make any difference to that (please note that it was a practical assumption and not an actual belief!) — except that in my previous hospitalization I'd similarly been supposedly dying and had had a similar tablet initially, and this time I did really slightly value it as a sort of comforter in reminding me of that other time when actually I didn't die at all but very rapidly recovered — even though the Haloperidol itself presumably had little or no truly beneficial effect.

I'd been allocated a twin room in the near end of the 'pong' section of the men's accommodation, and lay down for a much-needed nap, and indeed to die if indeed that were to happen, because there really was nothing any more that I could sensibly do to stop it happening. Indeed, initially I was still getting some fragments of commentary from my 'guidance', and I particularly remember my 'guidance' telling me, once I'd got myself lying on that bed, that my 'causal body' was now separating off, which I assumed meant that I was in the well-nigh final stage of my supposed dying.

I guess that the aim was to get me even more frantically trying to keep the trembling going. However, I realized that to do so made no sense, because the most that that could do (if indeed I'd been given correct information) would be to put off completion of my dying till I was too exhausted to continue trembling, and I wasn't going to get anxious and worked up about that, and so just 'turned the other cheek' and lay defiantly quiet and still, allowing myself to enjoy each moment as best I could.

At least I was now in a reasonably peaceful place to die, and also I had the comforting thought that I'd been apparently dying in this place before, and it had all turned out to be otherwise — though I wasn't troubling to stress myself out by hoping for anything. Whatever would happen would happen, whatever I or anyone thought or believed…

…As I lay there and the passing minutes became an hour or so, increasingly I felt more normally dozy, as the weird feelings that in fact the garbage had been giving me to try to convince me that I really was dying were progressively fading away. Gradually I started getting a slight feeling of an unbelieving sort-of wide-eyed wonder, as it was increasingly looking as though I wasn't dying at all. (! )

Evening meal time came, and, a bit shakily, surprised at myself, I joined the other inmates in the dining room for that rather minimal meal (as previously noted, lunch was the main meal of the day there). There were the odd inmates who I knew from my previous visit. This was indeed most remarkably not like dying — even though I could think of quite a few other places I'd rather be, such as sitting on top of the delectably remote-feeling craggy Sgurr Eireagoraidh in the bonnie western Scottish Highlands, eating my packed lunch while looking out over distant Mallaig and the sea to the Cuillins of Skye on a sparkling sunny day in May!

Whoever tells us that paradise is after you die (i.e., if you have been 'Good') doesn't know what (s)he is talking about! Anyway, no point in trying to talk with anyone here in Wonford House about the delights of hiking over North Morar, for they'd have simply assumed that that was part of my particular set of delusions that had got me hospitalized! (That is, apart from certain of the nurses, who, I think, really did recognise some really weird mental healthiness about me*, despite my immediate problem).

That night I accepted the one-off sleeping tablet just as I did for my first night the previous time, but I didn't follow that up with Diazepam — I was resolute that that was a no-no for me.

One particular difference from the previous time was that, although initially on my presenting myself at the hospital I was accepting the actually completely false information (from the garbage posing as my 'guidance'), I was quick to drop all the 'story', and indeed ignore the 'inner voice' altogether.

However, there was one potentially very risky thing I did before I dropped all that, and that was, to go along with the claim from my 'guidance', that I'd overdone my state of self-actualization and had opened my 'crown chakra' so much that 'astral beings' were free to enter it at will and be my tormentors for evermore (i.e., including beyond this lifetime) — and the only hope for me would be to receive some ECT.

So, when I was given an interview with a particular senior nurse (Jamie) to find out more about what care / treatment I needed during that hospitalization, I actually did the dread thing and asked if I could have ECT. Fortunately Jamie was one of the more aware ones, who I'd already come to respect quite a bit, and he advised that ECT was a serious sort of thing to do (as though I really didn't already know that! ), and it would be best if we sat upon the idea for a little, and then if I still was sure I wanted it in a few days' time they'd give it due consideration.

Fortunately, once I'd had my first night's sleep there I was then able to observe unequivocally that I wasn't dying at all and indeed was no longer being tormented, so it was clear that the thing about receiving ECT was just another bit of reckless 'guidance' and something completely to ignore. Thankfully, my request for ECT hadn't set anything obvious in motion, for ECT for myself was never mentioned to me by anyone again.

At the Wednesday ward round the doctors were keen that I accept a long-lasting injection (for which they used the jargon word 'depot') of Haloperidol. I didn't want it at all, being well aware that it would be totally useless except perhaps for keeping (nonexistent) elephants away, but at that stage was prepared to compromise a bit just in order to pacify the doctors. This was actually a low-dose one-week tester, but at that time I was told that it was the full 4-week-lasting dose.

At the following Wednesday ward round I showed a list of positive steps that I'd worked out for myself to take in order not to run into further problems*, assuming that this would convince the doctors that I need not be at the hospital any longer.

However, they were insistent that in their view I was truly ill (the consultant had asked me more about the nature of my 'guidance' and had decided that I was indeed a bit psychotic, although he never used that word to me) and must remain and accept their medication. They were not interested in my planned positive steps that were meant to be an attempt at resolving the underlying cause of the problems that had been arising. All they were interested in was treating with drugs the alleged psychiatric disorder that they'd 'identified'.

I got the strong impression that at that point, if I'd put my foot down and unilaterally made to leave, the consultant would have had me 'sectioned' straight-away. So much for the gentlemen's agreement that I'd secured from him and the ward doctor on my day of admittance — a real politician's promise! Clearly they had no understanding at all of what true healing needs were (i.e., those of myself or anyone else) — or if they did have any such understanding, they were keeping it well hidden under the counter in order to protect their professional standing as — yes! — psychiatric doctors.

Oh, and another thing the consultant asked me about was various questions about my level of energy. From my answers he confirmed his earlier conclusion that I was somewhat hypermanic and therefore was also ill in that respect and needing treatment. This was lunacy, because my energy abundance was nothing to do with having pathological 'highs' but simply to do with not being weighed down by all the emotional crap and restrictive rigid patterns that most people have in their systems*.

An enlightened person who also uses the Alexander Technique effectively as a self-actualization / self-realization method can't help but have a lot of energy available, but this energy is under the person's command and doesn't make the person problematically 'high' or 'manic'. Indeed, one of the nurses had particularly remarked on how his seeing my leisurely pacing up and down the corridors kept reminding him to find out more about the Alexander Technique, because he was so struck by my uprightness and visibly loose and relaxed state — hardly a description of hypermania! What I didn't have was all the tensions that normally weigh people down and tire them out.

Anyway, a little later that day I had the indignity of a 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol into my left buttock.

At the following Wednesday ward round (22nd December) the doctors decided to allow me out on two days' leave and then to discharge me (yes, on 24th December) provided all was well during that leave, and thus it was that I was once more free. It took considerable persistence on my part to insist on not continuing with the 'depot' medication, which the doctors in their non-wisdom insisted that I should accept as an ongoing thing in my everyday life.

They found it extremely difficult to accept my own practical and pragmatic viewpoint, that the correct way forward with the medication would be to not continue with it, and see if any further troubles arose after expiry of the current injection, and to take another 'depot' injection only if and when further troubles arose and I couldn't stem them by my various positive steps. If further troubles didn't arise (after all, I was already starting to take those positive steps that I assumed would be helping me to resolve the underlying cause), then what was the point of taking further medication?

And of course if the problem recurred while my 'depot' injection of Haloperidol was still current, that would be a sure indicator that a repeat dose would be pointless.

These doctors' logic was a bit like throwing torn-up newspaper out of the windows to keep the elephants away; you know it works because you don't encounter any elephants. (We remember of course that I'm in the UK and not Africa, and global warming hasn't yet proceeded that far!) It was also a manifestation of their general policy of drugging people to suppress symptoms and hide their issues rather than applying true healing methodologies.

In fact, so persistent were the doctors about the medication that early in January, a few weeks after my return home, I had a phone call from my regular doctor's secretary asking me to arrange a time for my next 'depot' injection, which apparently had been delegated to my own doctor's practice. The secretary was distinctly surprised when I laughed and said firmly that I'd have no more of those injections unless I found that I had a need for them, in which case I'd get in touch and ask for one. They were a bit put-out about that because they'd obtained a small stock of those injections, specifically for me.

 

Depression — the difference between 'treating' and healing

Treatment for depression in hospital? — WTF??!!!

Hang your heads in shame, every one of you staff who dealt with the 'patient' recounted here!

There was one particular patient who I have cause to mention this time round. This time I was sleeping in a twin room whereas in my first stay I'd been in a single one.

In fact this time my heart sank because I found that my allocated room mate, J, had severe depression and wanted to spend much of his time in bed, not speaking to anyone much. He was thus, on the face of it, to put it politely, not a good room mate for me with my own difficult issue when I first came in — more of a 'heart-sink' room mate!

At least he didn't burden me by talking to me about all his personal problems, because he was either asleep there in our room (most of the time) or he was moping in the smoking room, and so, to my relief, we just didn't have any sort of exchanges, for I kept right out of that room.

After about a week I encountered him one evening sitting on a seat just outside the smoking room and managed to get him to speak just a little (in his very 'low', depressed and hopeless voice), and he told how he'd spent much of his life in athletic activities and particularly in running, and how an ankle injury in his early 50s had put paid to all that and then the depression* had come down on him like a ton of bricks.

I told him that actually that injury had been an important, and in a funny way positive, 'stop' signal for him, and how actually he'd been way out of balance all that time when he'd thought his life was just fine, because he'd kept himself closed to so many other potentialities of his, and now it was actually his very positive task and prospect, to open up his mind to some of those potentialities and to start realizing some of them, developing new interests and activities and so opening up and rejuvenating his life.

I said I could give him a simple but profound long-term healing* to make it easier for him to start opening out in that way, and he accepted the offer. Back in our room I gave the healing. It took only a few minutes, fortunately with no nurse poking in (the nurses did a ward check of all inmates every hour). I spent much more time in the all-important reinforcing pep-talk, reminding him again and again of what he'd been missing for so much of his life and now could at last start connecting with to start living a new life which didn't depend on running and physical, athletic achievements, and actually would bring richer rewards.

He was amazed, because NOBODY had said such things to him before. I too was amazed — but then was also not amazed because I knew this was how it usually went for so many people. One has to say yet again — What the f*ck did those doctors think they were doing drugging that man and electrocuting his brain without ever stopping to look at what the CAUSE of the depression was, and what simple measures could be taken by him to turn his own life completely around???!!! — And the nursing staff were also negligent in not asking him such basic questions themselves, though no doubt their training and likely conditions of employment proscribed doing anything so obviously essential!

You see, they neglect the most basic and fundamental principles of being a healer — even a 'decent' Western-style allopathic one! That's why I want all these psychiatric so-called 'doctors' struck off or compulsorily retrained in real healing. (And real healing from a professional would NOT be what nearly everyone thinks, but would be training the clients in being their own best 'healers' — not trying or pretending to do that task for them! - Again, see How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.)

Over the rest of my stay, J slowly but consistently became brighter and more alert, more inclined to get up earlier instead of lying in for each whole morning. I started to see a certain radiance around him, which had been obscured before because he'd been so weighed down and darkened with his depression. Meanwhile the doctors presumably imagined that it was their (actually destructive) regime of ECT and medication that was healing J! At least J had little doubt about the source of his healing, and he saw it as occurring in spite of — not because of — the doctors' efforts.

Before any bright spark jumps up and says the healing was obviously a result of the medication and ECT, let me ask any such people how it came that no such positive change was occurring for anyone else, for others were receiving similar 'treatment'. It was just the one patient to whom I'd given 'healing' (as I now understand, only of placebo value) and proper life change counselling (the really important thing), who was making that very strong progress. Indeed, from a 2023 perspective I'd pretty-well dismiss any supposed 'healing' I gave him and recognise instead the importance of that basic life-change counselling I gave him, including the distinct inspirational 'resonance' effect that he was getting from his interactions with me.

'Progress' report on another inmate

Y was still there in that ward, with clear signs that his emotional troubles were catching up on him. That would have been great in an environment where emotional release was encouraged, but here more stops were pulled out to assist him in keeping his emotional rubbish in and preventing any crying or trembling. Yes, enabling him to keep it in was seen as helping him!

How I'd have liked to take the man aside and give him the support and encouragement that he really needed to let the crying and trembling out! But I knew by then that it would never be allowed there. I did, however, get an agreement with Y that once we were both out of the hospital we would meet up periodically for healing exchanges, for I could easily show him how to use his very definite healing ability, and he had the sort of personal warmth that made him a 'natural' with whom to exchange healing and emotional support.

In fact Y never chose to meet up for such sessions, and indeed went missing from the hospital for a while, which caused some concern, but I encountered him in the street on a number of occasions during 2005 and he did at the time seem to be slowly recovering — albeit not in the sense of a real forward moving self-actualization process.

However, more recently I saw him occasionally in the street, and he had about him a look of going to rack and ruin, and, curiously, for a long spell he pretended he hadn't recognised me, even when we came pretty well face to face — as though he was embarrassed at his own unwillingness to get together with me on a real self-healing 'journey'. He was very attached to his smoking, for one thing, and he knew I was a non-smoker and would be bound to encourage him to give it up if he were to set up any sort of mutual healing relationship with me.

So, although it's conceivable that the psychiatric doctors and mental healthcare service regard him as being some sort of success of theirs, the sad fact is that any 'success' was in damaging his mind (particularly with ECT) sufficiently for him to be unable to do other than go more consistently downhill, whether or not he attracts the attention of the mental healthcare services again.

More conclusions?

Not really, I think. I can't really claim to draw further conclusions from this second stay at Wonford House, apart from my gaining further experiences of value to myself, and underlining my previous observations and conclusions. Again, all I'd really needed was a number of supportive people around me in order to assist me in regrounding my awareness — not 'treatment' and indeed not doctors of any sort.

Having said all this, however, I feel it's worth noting that when I returned to the hospital for the second stay I was wondering if perhaps I'd been a bit over-harsh about the psychiatric service and the doctors. Perhaps they really did seek to work out with patients about positive life change and all that. And then, when I presented myself for this second stay these two doctors at the hospital made out initially that they would indeed be very happy to co-operate and allow me to be their guide as to what my healing needs were, so I approached all this with a very open mind, seeking to be fair to all concerned.

In the event the protestations of flexibility and openness proved false and the doctors turned out to be every bit as narrow in their perceptions and understanding as I'd originally thought. It's fair comment to say that they badly let me down on my second stay because they completely ignored their promise to me — but then evidently they'd had no understanding in the first place of what they'd been promising (just like so many politicians!). It was also disappointing on this occasion to have certain nurses who I'd thought knew better acting as mouthpieces for the doctors' grossly flawed outlook on my own situation and healing needs.

Roll on, the time when true holistic healing and self-actualization has replaced psychiatry! Then these lovely and basically caring people could be really serving the community by truly healing people — or rather, assisting people in becoming their own best 'healers' (which is the only genuine healing in the long run)…

Not quite a Hospitalization 3 — respite care the better way forward?

Naked nasties — confusions progressively unravel

On 20th January 2005 I found myself getting filled with fear / panic feelings again, but with the difference this time that not long before then I'd resolved not to interact with any alleged guidance or inner voice, and so these horrible feelings came to me as a completely pointless 'blind' assault with no explanation as to any alleged purpose for it. With no taste for another succession of horrendous ordeals with no sleep over several days / nights and then ending up in Wonford House yet again, I took what measures I could at least to give me the feeling that I was taking positive steps.

One desperate measure I took was to arrange with my doctor's practice for me to have another 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol after all. However, over those very difficult weeks it was clear that this was no answer — though my retrospective inner inquiry results point to the Haloperidol actually having just very slightly lessened the severity of my experience of the attacks — though it did so only through effects on my system that were harmful long term, so, use of it had never been a sensible or worthwhile measure to take.

Another of the measures I took was to send an email about this new development to Hans Jager (henceforth abbreviated to HJ), a friendly email correspondent of mine at that time who was a young supposedly enlightened 'spiritual' teacher in the Netherlands. He quickly responded, saying he was pretty sure that astral beings were not the cause of my trouble, and that it was actually self-generated anxiety / panic attacks that were causing me to create thought forms and so was actually much more controllable by myself than I'd been thinking.

This did in fact make sense in a sort of way, and could conceivably even have explained the horrendous guided ordeals that had been inflicted upon me before, because, so I reasoned then, very likely old anxieties of mine had been creating thought forms that then had been presenting themselves as harsh and tormenting 'guidance', which then dragged me through nightmarish experiences, distortedly reflecting an anxiety of mine to do all my self-healing fully and thoroughly.

I also considered that, as, so I thought then, I'd been intimidated in at least one of my previous lifetimes* by the false teachings in Tibetan Buddhism about severe punitive karma and the hells, no wonder that I'd been experiencing thought forms appearing as 'guidance', shouting at me that I was due for ALL the hells, including the Hell of Ultimate Torment, and giving me various difficult and 'dark' experiences that appeared to be leading me towards that delectable prospect! And as apparently in a few lifetimes I'd been into seriously 'dark' practices*, no wonder that I'd been guided into attempted repeats of some of those practices — being taunted for good measure with what I was given to believe was the smell of roasting human flesh remembered from sacrificial rites in one of those lifetimes!

I found that by taking on this new perspective I could progressively loosen the hold of the panic feelings, and renewed pangs would dissolve again as I focused on the new understanding that they were only old anxieties and not any external entity assaulting me. I had a very fruitful, sleepless but peaceful night running my mind over these issues and observing the dissolution of many new pangs of fear, it becoming increasingly clear (at least so I thought then!) that HJ's interpretation must be correct.

This of course appeared to be great news for me, because, if it were correct, these old anxieties could all be addressed, and when they were seen as what they were they could no longer be intimidating and therefore couldn't sustain themselves and would dissolve when observed with understanding of their true nature. With this in mind I thought I could be pretty confident, with clear reason, that I'd have no cause to return to Wonford House as a 'patient', and that things would now get a lot better for me.

After a few days, however, I had powerful anxiety / depression / panic feelings return to me, and then I was despondently seeing myself as apparently falling into some serious sort of breakdown, with the prospect of hospitalization yet again. Panic mixed with depression is a particularly virulent and dangerous combination, which gave me suicidal feelings even at this stage* — even though I was strong-willed enough not even to seriously contemplate acting upon them.

Among the additional measures I took around this time to get my awareness better balanced (I wasn't at that stage thinking about grounding per se) were my making a regular fixture of having my lunch out at Herbie's, a very nice vegetarian restaurant, just a few minutes' walk from my flat, once every two weeks (it would have been more frequent but for my financial constraints then), and my starting to go to sessions of relevant support groups at the Joan of Arc Project. I say more of the latter much further below.

Then, on one of my desperate-feeling evenings, I telephoned Gordon Hughes (henceforth abbreviated to GH), the 'lightworker' who had supplied my sacred geometry healing wands, and he made what I thought was more sense of it all for me*. He had supposedly advanced higher perceptions and, so he claimed, could determine during a phone conversation what was going on for me. He assured me that the disruptively strong upwellings of trauma emotion feelings that were plaguing me were actually from old issues, particularly from previous lifetimes, being squeezed out during my emotional and karmic clearance as what he described as the final stage of my accelerated self-healing path — and thus were part of a very positive process — in this case what's widely known as a 'healing crisis'.

And then, at the end of 2006, while it was appearing that GH was apparently quietly in despair about my situation and had 'written me off' (though many years later I worked out that there was much more to it than that, with a really sinister aspect), a surprise came out of the blue for me.

It so happened that Dalibor Zaviska (henceforth abbreviated to DZ), one particular 'lightworker' in the USA who himself was supposedly free of such garbage interferences, was introduced to my website by a client of his, and he at once saw the true nature of my predicament (albeit still a seriously distorted version of the real situation), which actually I'd been working through remarkably — considering! — but was still very ready for assistance.

Actually this 'lightworker', as it turned out, was quite a problematical and even dangerous individual because of his own garbage and 'entity' interferences, which he intransigently denied that he had. I write about him particularly in My Own Self-Actualization Process or 'Path' — Part 2. He offered me assistance and self-help methods that supposedly would enable me to be speedily clearing myself from all of what he described as external energy interferences (EEIs), which include interference from all (supposed) types of 'entities'.

As I now understand, DZ's 'assistance' was of limited value directly, because his own garbage interference was causing him to use seriously flawed methodology that of course couldn't remove 'entities' from anyone, let alone remove the garbage interference, and indeed which in some ways added to my problems (and would have become a massive problem for me if I'd stuck with his methods or indeed allowed him to get me into hypnotic trance as he was seeking to).

However, the primary positive thing he did bring to me was a whole new momentum and positive view and 'energy' towards true clearance of my 'entity' issue. Fortunately I had the clarity increasingly to see that there were problems about DZ and his methodology and indeed his whole outlook, and so became increasingly open to the real way forward that soon presented itself (in 2007).

— But I've jumped ahead of myself here…

As I'd been half suspecting would be the case, GH told me that in my single-minded enthusiasm to progress on my healing path, I'd been considerably overusing certain of the sacred geometry healing wands I'd obtained from him, and this was what was causing my particular problem. According to him, basically my extensive use of the wands every day on myself had been blasting me with their energies and forcing the pace of my self-healing, so causing the old emotional issues to surface in an unnecessarily intense and traumatic manner — though it would have been still necessary for me to experience them, but at a lower level.

I thus followed GH's advice to put all the wands away and not use them for the time being so that my energy system could supposedly catch up with itself and stabilize. Over a single day the attacks subsided and then I was free of the trouble for nearly a week, and then the arisings were at a manageable level without disruption of my life. — That is, until the next big peak…

So, then I saw another reason why during both my stays at Wonford House I recovered so quickly. Not only was I out of the oppressive solitude of my flat, but I was also away from those wands*.

Getting gradually stronger (with ups and downs)…

Having resumed a careful and much more sparing use of certain of the sacred geometry 'healing' wands, I soon had the anxiety feelings resume*, sometimes with other trauma feelings such as fear, panic and a ghastly feeling that I now understand to be a distorted version of birth trauma — although at a much lesser intensity than when I was attacked with it before — and with my new understandings I was able to keep my prime focus in my peaceful and quietly joyful mindspace so that the old trauma feelings could gradually dissipate and be released from me for good. Or at least, that's how I was interpreting it all at that time.

That's how I was going to handle all further arisings of the old trauma feelings, I reckoned, so that they could progressively release as I remained the proactively peaceful observer and got on with my life. Before all that long there would be no traumas left to release, and then life for me would be very different. — Well, that was the theory…

In April 2005 I had another crisis come up, of a combination of anxiety, apprehension, fear, panic and terror (a truly delectable mix!), which I had to respond to as an emergency. This time things worked out differently.

I contacted the Crisis Resolution Team (CRT) attached to Wonford House. Most members of this team of wonderful, caring people has, in some respects, much more open minds than appears to be allowed within the main hospital framework, and recognise that many personal crises are not medical issues (Alleluia!). Two lovely people (Alan and Bev) from the team visited me first for a very friendly and supportive chat and brief discussion as to what would be the most helpful option for me.

In fact they were able to arrange just what I thought I'd really needed in place of the previous year's hospitalizations — respite care. Within a couple of hours they had this arranged for me, and they drove me out to the home of a woman in the south-east Devon seaside resort of Sidmouth, who runs her house as a sort of guest house for people in crisis placed with her by the CRT and certain other support services. I was there just three days, and that was, to a point, more than enough for me to be out of that crisis*.

After that I experienced a steady trend for the upwellings and peaks of fear-based trauma feelings to become briefer and less intense, and I felt increasingly to be master of my situation, despite the continued intrusions of the garbage, which by then I was recognising as 'astral beings' in my mindspace. However, it was soon to become clear that that was only a temporary lull, and overall I was still on a very rough ride.

It became clear from more recent channelled information, and indeed my own observations, that the interpretation of my situation by GH (who made my sacred geometry wands) had given me only part of the picture of what was going on for me that had resulted in the various ordeals.

Yes, the confusions and all the torments and trickery had been brought about by 'astral beings' (i.e., really illusory manifestations of what I nowadays know as the garbage) after all, and there was no way it could be just anxieties of mine creating thought forms that were masquerading as entities as HJ had been suggesting.

In any case, as already noted, if one believed the latter scenario, then one would be left with the rather obvious unanswered question as to the source of such big quantities of anxiety and other fear-based emotions. I go for explanations that 'add up' in ALL material aspects and don't leave significant aspects of the overall picture still unexplained.

Subsequently, up till early 2007 I progressively gained some degree of self-assurance against the 'astral beings' by turning round on them and light-heartedly 'playing tormentor' to them, and, bit by bit, despite further waves of attack from 'them', I gradually gained more inner strength and stability — but this was a very slow and precarious business, with many 'false dawns'. Indeed, as I later came to realize, my responding to the interferences as though they were from actual conscious beings was actually hindering any possibility of my getting clear of their interference, even though it was boosting my own self confidence somewhat.

One blind alley — mental health support groups

I report this belatedly (in early 2009, with updates) and even now with a little reluctance because I appreciate that it's liable to cause some upset to certain people with whom I had very positive and friendly dealings, but I'm clear that no benefit comes from being politely silent about nice ideas (in principle) that are implemented by really nice people with the best of intentions but simply don't work — at least, in any really worthwhile respect.

In early 2005, while I was feeling quite desperate with all the strong attacks (which at that time, as explained further above, I didn't at all fully understand), I attended weekly meetings of two of the support groups that were part of the Joan of Arc Project (more recently the latter has been renamed to the Bridge Collective). This was in effect a peripheral facility of the mental healthcare services*, reasonably independently run (or co-ordinated / facilitated) by two very nice people with youthful and relatively open-minded outlooks, who were very accepting and empathetic, and who knew that the 'medical model' applied to people by the mental healthcare services was rubbish.

I regularly attended a weekly general 'drop in' group and two of their weekly special topic groups: Hearing Voices, and also You'd better Believe it! (a topic name that really made me wince then and much more so now!) — the latter group intended for people who have unusual beliefs / outlooks. I'd actually felt a bit drawn to the idea of attending the Hearing Voices group when I'd seen a leaflet about those groups during my first hospitalization, but had also felt quite a strong resistance against that sort of involvement.

Theoretically such groups could be great for all who participate, and enable those people to truly get the best out of their lives — but that would be dependent on the groups being run by people with a particularly deep awareness and understanding of the issues involved, and would require a quite strictly enforced structuring of the sessions in order to get the participants really making something positive of their personal situations and not just getting reinforced in their limiting patterns and confusions.

In the event, that was exactly how the groups that I attended were not. They were really nothing more than laissez-faire socializing groups, in which people shared their confusions — their limiting patterns and distorted notions all being accepted without question. Conversations and discussion to a very considerable degree revolved around what medications one was taking, and one's experiences with psychiatric consultants and community psychiatric nurses (psychiatric social workers or care co-ordinators). Where was the healing and turning around of one's life in that?!!

Accepting the person is one thing, but to accept the person's problems and confusions as a 'given' is quite another. The only thing that, on the surface, wasn't being accepted in those groups was the medical / psychiatric diagnoses that had been dished out to most if not all the participants. But even there, I observed a general bland acceptance of many of the participants actually 'living out' their psychiatric labels. Yes, they intellectually thought the labels were shit, but in effect were still 'proudly' wearing those very labels in all but name, because nobody had been pointing them to any sort of true healing / self-actualization direction.

There was no understanding of the real healing needs of people. It was all really about making do with the situation that one had — one heard a lot about 'coping strategies' and sometimes 'recovery'*, but not about bringing about a real turnaround in one's life. The terms 'healing' and 'self-realization'** were used only by me, at least in the sessions that I attended, and no more than a handful of people there were even in the slightest interested in my own angle on powerful and broad-based healing and life improvement / self-actualization as being the real way forward, and of those I think no more than two actually visited my Self-Realization website to find out more, and even then that response appeared to be more out of curiosity than any real intent to embrace change in their lives.

So, all these people were meeting together to help make their lamentable and unhappy personal situations seem a little more bearable or indeed completely acceptable — NOT to transform their personal situations into tremendous, happy, vibrant, creative and abundant ones! No wonder that I felt really out of place there, and was going there at all only out of desperation in the face of continual severe attacks from the garbage, so that I could get the grounding effect of a little brief human company away from the isolation of my flat!

And no wonder that presently I found that an antipathy and even hostility towards me was steadily gathering among a fair proportion of the participants. This finally came into the open on an occasion (in mid April that year) when I challenged the way that a particular participant was being allowed to have an over-dominant role, which was particularly problematical because of her flaunting her Christian beliefs there, actually making it an unsafe and unsupportive place for many people, particularly those in a vulnerable emotional state.

By that time I'd already been thinking it was about time for me to stop attending those groups, and the negative attitudes towards me of a good proportion of the participants, which were expressed then, made it a 'no-brainer' to have nothing further to do with such groups. Basically, at least half the participants saw me as a self-absorbed alien, an intruder, because I wasn't accepting their limited, inward-looking ways, and indeed wasn't attending for the purpose of socialization, and because I'd spoken out supposedly against one of their clique.

So, on the basis of my own experience, I'd say that such 'support' groups actually support very little truly worthwhile at all, because they're supporting people's remaining more or less where they're already at, and aren't supporting in any material way what they really need to be doing to turn their lives around — despite the great and kind-hearted intentions of the group co-ordinators. Thus what is genuinely intended to be real support consistently becomes just a blind alley for the people who call upon it. I myself got out of that blind alley and left those groups behind.

Update, 2019 — Aren't my views about support groups like the Bridge Collective a bit over-the-top?

Far from it! In early 2019 I had a batch of double-sided quality flyers printed, advertising this site, with one side putting particular focus on the Crisis emergency self-help — Life upturn the SMART way page, and generally aimed to get the attention of people who were having 'troubles' and who could resolve those remarkably effectively using the insights and methods presented on this site. Naturally, I visited the Bridge Collective with a small bunch of the flyers in a clear plastic display stand. It was an uncomfortable experience because clearly no-one was really interested. I was given a strong impression that they were accepting them at all only because they knew me and thought they'd better keep me quiet by accepting them.

A little uncharitable of me to get that impression? — F*ck, not a bit of it! When I went back there a month later with more flyers, to top-up the display, the service user who appeared to have some organising function there, delegated from the official organisers, sounded and looked quite embarrassed, as though she'd forgotten all about those flyers, and making out to look around for them among the bits and pieces strewn around.

Then, decidedly embarrassed, she admitted that the display stand now being used for something else was my one, and my flyers must have been thrown out during one of their periodic tidy-ups. I gave her a far-too-gentle telling-off about that, and she agreed to take some more flyers but recommended that I leave only a few, so that fewer would get thrown away in the next tidy-up!!! Oh geez, how bone-headed and moronic can one get?!!

A few weeks later I looked in again. This time a lot of stuff, including my flyers, still in their display stand, had been moved into a side room because the Collective's AGM was in progress, but AB the official organiser who I periodically encounter, sounded most uninterested in the flyers, recommending that I take the display stand back because they don't really have room for it, but I could still leave the flyers, which they could fit in somewhere (no mention of actually displaying them!).

Well, it hardly requires a PhD to realize that if the flyers are being kept without display stand (and so potentially using more 'footprint' space than the stand), what was going to happen was that they would just get buried under other stuff and so definitely not be seen, even by any people who really could even save their lives through getting one of those flyers and following that up on this site!

So, a few weeks later again I looked in, with more flyers just in case. Again, an awkward embarrassed atmosphere. No-one knew whether any of the flyers were still there — but I did locate them. They weren't exactly buried under other stuff, but they were paper-clipped together in a box with a variety of other bits and pieces, and, 'presented' like that, didn't look at all as though they were flyers that people were meant to take out and read and — perish the thought! — actually follow up.

I did add a few flyers, but I have doubts whether I'll bother to leave any more, because if they're so uninterested that they just throw the flyers out or tuck them out of people's way, it's a waste of time and resources my either putting more flyers there or indeed having any further dealings with the Collective.

All that of course underlines my original impression, that the Collective and any other such 'mental health support groups' are not just a waste of time, but are seriously harmful, just as is mainstream 'mental health', because they are simply 'supporting' people in continuing to live degraded and distorted lives without any concept of genuine healing and life turnaround (i.e., self-actualization).

To them, such notions are alien and anathema. They are dead set against anything that would lead to genuine solutions to their biggest and most harmful issues. The Bridge Collective organisers have failed miserably to live up to the truly beneficial potential of their job (i.e., that of pointing people to those real solutions). Sad but true.

How come that this enlightened person has major emotional issues in the first place?

This ties up with the unusual circumstances of my own crossing the enlightenment threshold, as recounted in 'Spiritual' enlightenment — Personal experience, clarifications, tips. In the vast majority of cases so far, people crossing that threshold have first used ongoing meditation to clear their mindspace of most active thought processes and achieve great inner quietude.

To what extent, however, such people have cleared themselves of emotional issues rather than just put the lid on them is more than just a moot point, because ongoing meditation, although it does help dissolve various minor issues, actually progressively hides major issues, so they're then never worked upon and cleared. The mental state achieved in this way may seem to be peaceful, but it's a considerably distorted and unbalanced version of a genuine self-actualized state, which latter is the really healthy state that we all need to be working towards.

In contrast, I'd never formally meditated prior to my crossing the threshold of enlightenment, and my mind was an excited tumult at the time of that event. So, unlike people who take the insidiously, extremely harmful meditation route, I hadn't been putting the lid on issues that I was carrying*, and thus had a much more balanced awareness than those people, and was actually thus still able to progressively clear those issues, whereas the people who've taken the meditation route still have various emotional issues but are simply unaware of them and thus they never clear them.

Almost everyone's view of what enlightened people are like comes from those enlightened people who've taken the meditation route and so, at least from the perspective of my own working model of our own true nature, are actually seriously unbalanced and still carrying hidden issues without their having any idea that the self-actualized state could be any different from what they're experiencing. On the other hand I myself have been quite widely seen as either something of a charlatan (just pretending to be enlightened) or as having something fundamentally wrong about me and my enlightened state because of my carrying emotional issues that were not hidden.

By the look of things, the reality was that it was my own state of enlightenment and self-actualization that was by far the healthier and more balanced, and indeed the better model for other people to use in order to gain an understanding of enlightenment and self-realization / self-actualization and their possible relevance to them. It was just that I'd been targeted by the garbage more or less at the beginning of my life, and apparently (at least in terms of my particular working model of what was really going on) given an exceptional load of traumatized parasitic lost souls attached to me, plus some very open and 'live' connections to what you could call the cesspit of all human experience — the primary archetypes.

There's a big message of hope here for a fair number of people, in that (at least for no-soul people) it's evidently possible to become enlightened without having to clear all emotional traumas or issues first. Enlightenment then makes the emotional clearance process much easier and more efficient.

A more effective method for emotional clearance — the EFT

Briefly in 2005, and again a bit less briefly in 2006, I tried using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). I could see that this method had real potential for clearing particular emotional issues, and so much wanted it to succeed, so that the 'astral beings' would no longer be able to attack me, at least with any sort of disruptive strength. It involves concentrating on a particular 'setup statement' that you've just set up, which focuses you on a particular emotional issue you want to address, while going through a sequence of tapping on various parts of your body — on specific points on purported meridians.

It did seem to me that the technique was working for me, except that the attacks were continuing unabated, and as soon as the next method, The Work, came to my attention (see below) I dropped using the EFT in favour of it. It seemed in any case that The Work worked at a more fundamental level and so would be more efficient.

I was always a bit uneasy about the EFT in any case because I was never confident that the basis of the EFT tapping points was genuine, for meridians and acupuncture and acupressure points never rang true for me. That was clearly a bit of real good sense coming through to my conscious 'mind' from my deepest aspects despite all the garbage's ongoing attempts to get me embroiled in all that harmful illusory stuff!

A great step forward, and three-quarters of a step back — The Work

In early 2006 a friend introduced me to The Work — a process of simple but very powerful inner inquiry for self-actualization and sorting out your life, developed by Byron Katie. This proved to be a much more direct and efficient means of clearance of emotional issues than any other I'd yet encountered, and for the most part I used it daily for the rest of that year. Initially the garbage attacked in ways to try and stop me using it, but it simply demonstrated to me that I must be doing something importantly 'right' for me, which was bound to be weakening the power of the garbage over me.

The Work is so simple and easy to use that it could be used not only to sort out ordinary people's lives and assist them towards enlightenment, but also could be an important healing and counselling tool throughout the whole of the mental healthcare services.

However, in the summer of 2006 I started getting more severe interferences and attacks from the garbage again, and indeed at times the latter even exploited my use of The Work to compound the developing crisis situation — of which more further below. As I shall show, eventually I found self-healing and emotional clearance methods that, for me, left even The Work out in the cold and effectively redundant, despite its many very strong points.

…And another, eventually more significant, glimmer of light…

Another important step forward — indeed marking a very small beginning of the methodology that really took off for me from mid 2007 onwards — was my purchasing an Energy Egg in July 2006 — albeit with considerable and, as it was to turn out, decidedly well-founded, initial scepticism about that diminutive object and the claims being made for it by its purveyors.

That marked the beginning of a more meaningful retrospective healing process that was at last just beginning to heal the major damage done to my non-physical aspects by the sacred geometry wands and also the large collection of crystals in my flat. However, at that stage, compared with what was to come, it was a very slow process, and there was no instant freedom from 'astral beings' (i.e., garbage) troubles.

 

…And now a Hospitalization 3 after all — and my head stayed firmly on!

A plethora of educational astral realm and hell experiences — observing the inner workings of much of what people call 'schizophrenia'

Convoluted build-up of a new crisis

During the summer of 2006 I was quite intensively using The Work, and actually arranged with the Joan of Arc Project for me to give an introductory workshop on The Work at their premises on Tuesday 12th September. I went to a great deal of trouble to advertise the workshop widely in the mental healthcare services, some GP surgeries, etc, and in particular a detailed announcement about it, together with an article about The Work, which I put in the Joan of Arc Project Newsletter, which was sent out to over 600 service users and mental healthcare professionals. Surely I'd be swamped by people wanting to take this up, and would have to arrange overflow workshops!

Yet by the beginning of September I had only six people booked on the workshop. It appeared that almost none of the people for whom something like The Work would be such a pressing need were actually interested in trying such a powerful and direct emotional healing method, they being so addicted to the absolutely useless and indeed tremendously harmful 'medical model' and indeed psychiatry in all its grotesqueness, even if they dismissed it intellectually.

During late August, increasingly the garbage, posing as my 'higher consciousness', interfered with my daily The Work sessions, getting more pushy and giving me a lot of story about a Cosmos-wide healing scenario that I was allegedly involved in, and, supposedly, I was meant right there and then to be using The Work to heal existential terror, not only of my own but of the purported 'Creator Consciousness' itself. More and more attacks were coming in again, increasingly strongly — once more being claimed to be part of the healing process that was, purportedly, essential for me at that point.

My The Work inquiry sessions thus rapidly developed a nightmarish quality, in which the garbage was giving me an ever-growing list of troublesome thoughts and supposed beliefs* that I had to put to inquiry there and then, working on it into the night, and all with an increasing pressure of urgency, while being subjected to the various attacks.

During early September 2006 this led into another crisis. However, things were very different this time from the previous crises. Indeed, at least, in relation to the rest of my own life experience, it was unique — indeed, from my own perspective, spectacularly so!

During the first week of September 2006 I was starting to get what seemed to be some useful channelled information from what I took to be my own higher consciousness*, though still with interference, and I gained the understanding that I'd already cleared out all my own emotional issues.

Purportedly, the continuing attacks I was getting from the 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage) were actually using trauma energy from a number of people with whom my own higher consciousness had made special healing connections ('energy cords')* — specific people who had particularly strong past life connections with me. Thus, supposedly, through receiving those attacks I was powerfully clearing those people's own emotional traumas.

So, I 'understood' that THAT was why my self-healing task in this whole lifetime of mine, including all the earlier attacks from the 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage), had been so massive, and why I was still having so much emotional material to heal even after my crossing the enlightenment threshold. No wonder it had been such a taxing task and other people had been wondering how it could be that I apparently needed to make such a big task of my own self-healing!

Anyway, in early September 2006, what I'd been led to think was a utilization of 'astral beings' around me by supposedly higher powers*, supposedly for the purpose of bringing about important and major healing for others through 'attacking' me, culminated in a very strange, long and completely unplanned hike on Saturday 9th September.

During that hike, under instructions from my 'guidance' (what I thought at the time was my 'higher consciousness' but was of course yet again the garbage), I kept buoyantly walking on a 27-mile strenuous hike on Dartmoor till sundown (allegedly to keep me very strongly grounded and free of patterned thinking), while the 'astral beings' strongly bombarded me with all the familiar trauma emotion feelings. On this occasion the trauma material was allegedly from considerably more than those purported people with whom I was supposed to have the problematical energy cord connections, as you can read on my page One really weird hike — 'Grand design' or outlandish psychic attack?.

By the end of that hike I noticed that my badly worn neck vertebrae seemed to have got distinctly worse, with more scrunching of shredded cartilage and rubbing of smooth bone against smooth bone than ever, and these ominous signs seemed to be a bit worse still the following day. My 'guidance' was then telling me that indeed the vertebrae were rapidly disintegrating, and even within that day my neck would break as it failed any longer to hold up the weight of my head, and I'd die in a gruesome and excruciating manner.

An elaborate and quite gruesome scenario was put to me to explain why this was all supposedly meant (by the supposed 'Creator Consciousness' itself) to happen, and it even included the notion that the whole Universe was on the point of starting to implode and we were all imminently going to enter into a succession of hells until, aeons hence, an expansion phase started again. There was a fascinatingly weird and crazy (and indeed notionally extremely intimidating) further convolution in that story, which I shan't go into here because I must draw the line somewhere in order to get on with the main points!

I had a sleepless night and was being attacked again, in ways that made it seem that my body really was in a process of disintegrating and dying — and of course I was given an elaborate fictional reason for this and why I was supposedly going to fall, upon my imminent spectacular death, into a succession of every hell and night terror that anyone had dreamed up*. Another sleepless night followed, with the threat seemingly increasing; I was getting a bit afraid to get up off my bed in case something horrible happened to my neck. Also this was resulting in me getting skimpy about getting meals for myself…

So, unsurprisingly, having no suitable friends for me to turn to for support, to strong protests from my 'guidance' (yes, to that extent I'd now started openly rebelling and already beginning to regain command of my situation!), on Monday 11th September I phoned the Crisis Resolution Team, who were really great with me and responded quickly and appropriately with a visit*. They didn't have respite care available for me that time, but at least got me admitted at once, at my request, to psychiatric hospital, which would have to suffice as my respite care.

In hospital again — complete with astral replica!

This time, however, it wasn't to gloomy Wonford House but to the neighbouring Cedars hospital, and the experience was tremendously different from my previous hospitalizations. The Cedars struck me as a really nice building, with what I felt as a warm and friendly energy both outside and within (at least, as compared with Wonford House!). The nurses were wonderful and really made me feel that I had caring and supportive friends around me. I had the same psychiatric consultant as before, but it felt quite a bit different with him this time.

My 'energy' no longer had its previous somewhat defensive and combative elements — after all, I was much more sure of my ground then, even though my understandings were still only partly 'there', and I felt at ease with the consultant (AB again). At least on the surface he showed a surprising degree of respect for me and my self-command, even while agreeing to disagree on the principle and practical details of using medication.

Of course he was still constrained by his own limited outlook, but at least he seemed this time to be a more caring individual than previously — more like a friend — who wanted the very best for me, even though he really had no idea what that 'best' would be.

While requiring me to take some medication while I was there (after all, that was a requirement embedded in the whole psychiatric hospital mindset)*, he accepted with apparent good grace that I had a different viewpoint and was taking my daily Risperidone** at the hospital only as a sop to the system and would drop it the moment I was discharged (which indeed I did), and he didn't seem to be unduly troubled by that.

No doubt the consultant was more flexible and accommodating towards me this time because he was presumably aware that considerable positive changes had occurred in me, and that since my previous hospital admissions I hadn't been going to rack and ruin through lack of his medical-model-based 'assistance'.

The crisis ran its course over my first two days / nights at the hospital*, with me having amazing inner experiences in astral realms**, including my spending some very long periods (seemingly multiple nights within one night) going through some hilariously confused fictional but real-seeming scenarios including being 'guided' through some supposedly benign Satanistic practices, all in an extremely realistic astral replica of the hospital and its staff and patients, complete with fire engines arriving and police repeatedly searching for me (which never happened in the 'real', physical world), and also my being shown a selection of clips from various people's night terror and 'hell' experiences, allegedly including some from people in previous universes.

Because I had so much more clarity of mind by this stage well on in 2006, I can actually say that in an important sense I ENJOYED* those experiences, even though they were taxing and were nothing I'd ever have chosen to go through. They were so awesome in their horrible disturbing ways, and in a way I felt privileged to have been given the opportunity to be proactively peaceful and loving observer of such things** — bearing in mind that it was only for a short period and I knew from my depths that it was only a show and I was fundamentally sound and no harm would really come to me.

At one point during those highly interesting and demanding experiences I became aware of what seemed to be massive healing energy coming in from what I took to be higher beings, and my neck speedily became restored to its condition prior to the big hike.

Indeed, allegedly it had been starting to heal much more than that, but because this was purportedly an exceptional type of healing that used an energy template of my spine in a relatively unworn state, for the healing to work properly I'd have needed to be lying motionless for an hour or two for the healing to fully consolidate or 'take'*, and so as I moved about I inadvertently broke up most of the energy matrix that could have almost fully repaired my spine. The net result was my spine still being in poor condition, but at least no worse than immediately before the big hike. At least, no ghoulish head-falling-off scenario after all!

The presence of supportive people around me in the hospital was massively restoring my grounding and so my 'balance' was rapidly restoring — so after the first two days at the hospital I was already out of the obvious astral realm experiences and was buoyant, relaxed and feeling an increasing buoyant 'okayness', just biding my time till I was let out.

As in my previous hospitalizations I had little to do during my days there, and spent a good deal of time in leisurely strolling up and down the corridors. However, this time my mind was much more happily and positively engaged, for increasingly I found that I was able to get what I took to be valuable new information from my higher consciousness, managing to bypass the interference from the 'entities'*. So, my happy and radiant peaceful walking 'meditations' were constructively used in periodically gaining what I thought was new information and insights about myself and the Cosmos, which, I still very gullibly assumed, would subsequently be the basis of new and challenging material on this website.

 

Observing in detail the inner workings of so-called 'schizophrenia'

Even during those extraordinary first couple of days, replete with astral realm experiences, at a deep level I was experiencing a gradually increasing sense of wonder and excitement, initially something vague and seemingly subterranean but progressively becoming more prominent and 'present' — and a sense of being greatly 'privileged' to be going through all this. Why on earth?!

— Because I was in fact progressively more and more clearly picking up intimations from my own deepest aspects that all these astral realm experiences were showing me something of the experience and inner workings of what the 'Psychiatry Brigade' call schizophrenia. As far as I could (and can) tell, one particular thing that stopped me from actually ticking enough boxes to get that prestigious and seriously prejudicial label stuck upon me by the doctors was that I was still making a clear distinction between those illusory experiences and 'reality'.

It's true that during those two days and the preceding couple of days, I'd got so ungrounded that I was superficially and temporarily getting fairly confused between the illusory 'story' and astral realm experience on the one hand and 'What Is' on the other hand, but I was fully aware of the confusion — an immensely important point! That was fundamentally different from regarding the illusory experiences as simply being 'reality' and 'fact', which would undoubtedly have got me a 'schizophrenia' diagnosis.

It was clear that all along at a deeper level I was anchored in 'real reality', and was intuitively using all these experiences to learn something of what was really going on. By the end of my second crazy day at Cedars I was really feeling that excitement, understanding that all this was making it possible sometime in the future to explain properly to all those ignorant psychiatrists and other psychiatric workers what 'schizophrenia' really is, how it works, and how it can be cleared (in many but probably not all affected people).

I recognised then, as I recognise now, that, as with other psychiatric 'diagnoses', the 'schizophrenia' label is extremely unhelpful in all sorts of ways. What is really going on is simply the garbage giving to the person various stories about himself and his 'reality', together usually with various astral realm illusory 'action' scenarios — all of which theoretically could be cleared by the person by use of the methodology I present on this site. The sticking-block for most of them, however, would be an ongoing more or less complete inability to recognise their illusions as being other than genuine reality.

For a fair proportion of those unfortunate people it should be possible, with ongoing assistance over quite a period, for them to get their awareness grounded enough increasingly to distinguish properly between 'real' and 'illusory' — and thus also to become increasingly able and maybe motivated to use the methodology presented on this site to clear their garbage interferences and all their illusory realities and 'non-real' experiences.

On the other hand, a certain proportion unfortunately would most likely be stuck in that unenviable predicament because their inability to distinguish between real and 'non-real' is caused by either a physical brain defect or some other physical defect that in turn causes that particular brain malfunction.

Nurses getting an undeserved bad name…

Periodically during my stay this time, there were disturbances where a group of the nurses would rush from the ward office to restrain one particular 'patient' and whisk her off to the 'Extra Care Area' (i.e., seclusion area). I could see how such events could get the nurses a very bad name through their being perceived to be wielding crude power over somebody who was failing to conform and be a 'good little girl'. And indeed the woman concerned was frequently, amid her floods of tears, going on and on about how oppressive the nurses and their whole system were, and how unnecessarily heavy-handed they were being towards her.

Yet, although I felt sorry for that woman, my prime sympathies were with the nurses, for that woman was giving them a difficult and stressful time by repeatedly making disturbances that clearly looked to the nurses (and indeed to me) as though something really untoward could happen, and in any case those disturbances were disruptive for the peace of mind of everyone, including all the other 'patients', so clearly something did need to be done about the disturbances she was creating. It's such a pity that nurses were having to double as a sort of petty police, but unfortunately that was the task they had to fulfil, to the best of their ability.

I've no idea whether there would have been a better way for the nurses to handle those particular disturbances, without forcefully restraining that woman. However, I was really wishing that the latter had been in a sufficiently receptive state of mind that I could gently point out to her how much really nice and genuinely friendly response I myself had been getting from those very same nurses.

I'd achieved that simply by thinking of them as people like myself, with their own needs and vulnerabilities, doing a difficult and stressful job, and always considering how I could actually be some sort of friend to each one, making his / her job that bit less stressful and indeed more enjoyable each day while I was there. That included such matters as being responsible and considerate about how one expresses one's troublesome feelings in such a communal environment.

Indeed, my always following that sort of approach towards the hospital staff was a major part of my own self-recovery process, because it was so grounding for me. Thus, first and foremost, I was doing it for MY benefit! You see, I was being a really practical old sod! There's nothing quite like being friendly and considerate to the nurses for one to gain consistently friendly and considerate responses from them! Stands to reason!

So, when we hear of heavy-handed behaviour from nurses it's well worth bearing in mind that, much more often than not, the nurses aren't at all meaning to be unnecessarily forceful in dealing with a disturbance, and are simply doing the very best they know how in order to keep the psychiatric unit a reasonably peaceful and unstressful place for all its occupants.

Unfortunately many psychiatric patients are at least to some extent lacking in a proper sense of their own personal responsibility, and it's inevitable that if they behave in disruptive ways they will be dealt with in some sort of forceful manner if they fail to desist when asked to do so. — And naturally, because of that lack of their own personal responsibility, they turn round and blame the nurses, or indeed anyone but themselves!

Of course, where force is used without there being a disturbance or some sort of real threat from a patient, that would suggest genuine malpractice, and I've no doubt that that does occur in some psychiatric units — and I've certainly heard of many cases of psychiatric patients far too readily being forcibly given injections — 'chemical coshes' — to sedate them.

Anyway, my own observations in all my hospitalizations failed to show up any 'horror stories' of seriously bad nurse behaviour, and, overall, showed them up pretty consistently in a positive light — bearing in mind that they were constrained by the crassness of the whole psychiatric Establishment, and didn't have the full level of personal awareness of, say, a real enlightened person.

The hospital's ambivalent attitude to self-harm

The above observation regarding my carving knife raises a serious point (sic). Psychiatric / 'mental health' workers generally are supposed to be quite hotly on the lookout for signs of a patient / client doing any sort of self harm or having any inclination to do so. Yet well-nigh universally they allow one pervasive and serious type of self-harm and accommodate it in these psychiatric establishments.

Yes, I'm referring to SMOKING. Okay, generally that doesn't have the dramatic potential of a juicy near-instant suicide that, say, a few well placed slashes with a nicely sharpened carving knife might have, but it's self-harm nonetheless and is in the process of causing major long-term health problems for every smoker, and in most cases a distinctly earlier death than one would have without smoking — not to mention all the health impact of smoking upon other people who get the second-hand smoke.

Not only that, but, perhaps even more bizarre, smoking is quite a major part of the problem that most patients come in with. Virtually universally people use smoking as a sort of emotional 'crutch' to reduce their awareness and motivation for really positive life change, and so naturally if the person is to clear a supposed 'mental health' problem, just about the first thing that (s)he needs to do is to QUIT SMOKING (Like it or lump it!).

Yet, as far as I could make out, nothing at all was being done to address that issue in any patients at all. Even in the main medical hospital just across the way smoking was completely banned, but in these psychiatric units smoking was allowed, although restricted to just one designated room. So, in other words, the smoking restriction was more just to avoid forcing non-smokers to be harmed by the smokers than it was about any serious attempt to get people off smoking.

Okay, it might be considered that it would be too much of an intrusion upon patients to try to get them to stop smoking, because they claim to 'enjoy' it or 'need' it — but then, if that were really the case, one has to ask why patients are required and even forced to take medication, while their self-harm and perpetuation of their problem with their smoking is being accommodated and to a certain extent actively colluded with! This simply doesn't make sense, and is just one more thing that demonstrates how the whole psychiatric / 'mental health' approach to patients' problems hasn't been thought out at all in any really intelligent way.

A sign of their trust in me!

Just before this particular crisis event had come to fruition, I'd ordered a second Energy Egg*, and knew that it would almost certainly be delivered to my flat on the day of my admittance to the hospital, or the following day. I was very concerned to get that Energy Egg into use as quickly as possible to assist me in becoming stronger against the 'entity' attacks and interference (i.e., pragmatically accepting a working assumption that the Energy Egg really was working for me in the manner that its producers were claiming that it would).

Also, if I remember rightly, just before this hospitalization I'd followed some barmy instruction from my 'guidance' to take my extant Energy Egg off its transmitter base, so I was supposedly not receiving any Energy Egg assistance at that time.

I explained to the very friendly and unusually aware ward doctor (i.e., unusually aware for a psychiatric doctor ), who I shall call V (not his real initial) about how the Energy Egg was part of my strategy for addressing the problem underlying my various 'entity' crises, and how I'd ordered the second one and really wanted to have it here with me in the hospital to help speed my healing process, and how, to that end, I really needed to nip back to my flat very briefly to pick up the new Energy Egg. A little to my surprise, I didn't have to put much effort into persuading him to agree to my doing that.

It was a trifle awkward physically, of course, because that would have been on the day after my catheterization, I having gone into urine retention over the first two days, having then been catheterized on the Wednesday — so I had a pee bag strapped to my left leg.

Anyway, I used the local bus service, and I think in fact I rather surprised the staff as to how promptly I returned, with a satisfied look about me as though I'd discovered I were pregnant, having indeed picked up the new Energy Egg and having it in my pocket, and also having put my first Energy Egg (still on a shelf in my living room at home) back on its transmitter base, so that it too would supposedly be assisting me in my clearance and strengthening process.

Presumably there would have been more difficulty or, most likely, a total block, over my nipping back home like that if I'd been 'under Section', but the latter wasn't the case this time and so some flexibility was allowed.

Actually my doing that little errand was in itself a very helpful part of my awareness-grounding process at that time, for it gave me a purposeful focus on the physical here-and-now, and also underlined the understanding that nothing untoward was really happening to me, and that I was in command of the beginnings of a real process of progressive resolution of my 'entities' problem, very much under my own steam and self-command.

A 'goodbye' to the pee bag — and final discharge…

My discharge from the hospital came just a week after my admittance, with the consultant and doctor taking great trouble to ensure that I was released as quickly as possible but with all care being taken to ensure that I wasn't left with any troublesome issues. In particular, as noted above, I'd gone into urine retention again in the first two days, allegedly possibly the Haloperidol having precipitated it*, and had then been catheterized on the Wednesday.

This time, the consultant and doctor actually made an impromptu decision (at my suggestion) to remove the catheter immediately before I left, and to see that I had some sensible post-discharge follow-up. I not only take my sun hat off to those two, but (if it were not for considerations of acceptable decorum) I'd have given them both a warm and loving hug!

It's worth noting that during this hospitalization I got no 'loaded' questioning nor overt 'diagnoses' from the consultant / doctors. There was altogether more of a sense of the doctors understanding that in some mysterious way I really was in command of my situation, even if I hadn't got everything exactly right. Apart from my being required to take 'some' medication (but at least a really minimal and largely ineffective dose), which I sort-of magnanimously accepted just as a sop to them (the consultant's words were something like Our system requires that you take something), I wasn't significantly in conflict with them during that whole stay there.

Again, what a laughable unwitting admission of the complete lack of a rational or genuinely scientific basis of their whole psychiatry mindset and supposed methodology! — Our system requires that you take something, indeed! — Well, if it's just 'something' that I must take, if I get landed in psycho hospital ever again, let's try suggesting that the best 'something' for me to take is a couple of 'grand' — or maybe just a little bit more. That would help me considerably more than a pointless antipsychotic tablet, to promote not only my own self-actualization (healing) process but also that of other people who take on my methods!

Hospitalization 4 — Nobby taken seriously at last!

On Sunday 22nd October 2006 the 'entities' (i.e., the garbage) unleashed upon me a seemingly massively strong attack. My 'guidance' was emphatic that this was the strongest attack I'd ever had — though because of my better groundedness now I wasn't as badly affected by that as I'd been by certain attacks in 2004/5.

The attacks had been cranking up over the previous three days, and after I'd very shakily cleared up after my evening meal on this Sunday I saw little option but to phone the Crisis Resolution Team again. Two lovely people from the team visited me just ¾ hour later, and it was agreed that they'd take me into the Cedars hospital again right then. Curiously, my 'guidance' (allegedly my higher consciousness but of course really still the garbage) was emphatic that this was what was meant to happen at this point — I was actually meant to get hospitalized*.

This time it was into the other, ground floor, ward (Coombehaven) that I was directed, as all the beds in Delderfield were full, though it made little difference because the two wards were very similar and there was an interchange of staff between the two.

In my previous hospitalization-causing crises my awareness had been ungrounded enough for me to be confused at a certain level by the 'entities' (i.e., really the garbage) as to what was reality and what was fiction, and had thus been technically 'psychotic' in the doctors' view for the first day or two each time. On this occasion, however, I stayed well enough grounded that I'd remained impervious to the garbage's attempts to aggressively pose as guidance that I supposedly had to follow, and to give me fiction that I was supposed to believe.

On this occasion, nearly all the time I managed even to be switched out of the 'voice channel' altogether. So my only issue this time was the attack. This eased off to a fair extent during that Sunday evening*, was much less on the Monday**, and was down to background level on the Tuesday.

Because I was so much more together this time when I was admitted, along with the previous experience of me recovering quickly with minimal medication during my hospitalizations, this time nobody sought to get me to take initial stronger medication, and what medication I had was minimal right through (0.5 mg Risperidone twice daily — the placebo for the doctors — and an optional Zopiclone sleeping tablet at bedtime, which I took just for the first night), so I had no troublesome drowsiness at all.

Also, this time, despite the garbage interfering a bit with my pee sphincter, I didn't go into actual urine retention, so right from the start this hospitalization was a relaxed one with no distracting issues.

Once again, during my stay there I had really nice and positive interactions with staff and various patients, and the doctors seemed very interested indeed in my insights into what was going on for me, and my insights into the true healing issues and healing options that underlie virtually all mental health and personality disorder issues.

Although those insights of mine at that time were still quite distorted, because they were still based on channelled 'information', progressively my understandings were 'sharpening up' and already becoming a bit closer to the picture that I was subsequently to piece together, from mid 2007 onwards, then using a more rigorous and discerning 'inner inquiry' supported by Helpfulness Testing instead of channelling.

On the afternoon of Tuesday 24th October, still not two full days from my admittance there, I had a ward visit (which may have been an official ward round, I'm not sure) that was supposed to be with the consultant and a doctor, but the consultant was away on leave, so I got the doctor V, who I mention further below, and another doctor, JA, who I didn't remember seeing before but said she knew me from one of my stays in Wonford House.

Surprisingly, I could sense that JA was quite unlike any other psychiatric doctors I'd encountered, for she herself appeared to be at least potentially a 'healer' and to be very psychic — whether or not she herself recognised the fact.

Indeed she did show a lot more awareness and acceptance of, and indeed interest in, my own (albeit still rather flaky) understanding of what was going on for me — though nowadays I'd recognise her as not being a suitable sort of person for me to be much involved with because her own weak grounding would tend to have a certain weakening effect on my own grounding — and of course for the same reason really she was unsuitable to be dealing with people with so-called 'mental health issues'.

What really touched me was that JA told me openly and directly in that session that those who knew me among the nurses there and at Wonford House, and also the Crisis Resolution Team people, had all become quite fond of me because of the appreciation and positive messages they'd got from me.

Not only was that very touching, especially as it was coming from one of the psychiatric doctors there, but it was also a great sign, that my whole approach to my interactions with the mental healthcare workers was bang-on and would make it much easier in the future to get really helpful co-operation from them if / when I had cause to call upon them again as a result of some new crisis. It also meant that I was being an effective living model of and 'ambassador' for my whole self-healing / self-actualization approach to 'mental health'.

V and JA agreed that there was no point nor need for me to delay my return home any further, so I was then allowed out 'on leave', to return the following day to report back, and, all being well, I'd be formally discharged then — as actually happened.

I thus left feeling truly uplifted by the experience, and knowing* that in any future crises I was now strong and grounded enough to have only the attack and not significant confusions to deal with, and so any future hospitalizations could be similarly brief, and with a great deal of respect from the doctors as well as nurses, and minimal risk of getting seriously regarded as mentally ill or disordered because of my crisis-level attacks and non-physical perceptions and unorthodox insights into mental health issues — at least, as long as I was still in Exeter and dealing with more or less the same people.

Yes, Nobby taken seriously at last — and they're still not satisfied!

During my consultation with the already mentioned doctor 'V' on the first morning there I was tickled by one detail. V, a lovely guy, I think of Indian origin, who saw me on occasions during my previous hospitalization, was asking me some questions about this particular crisis that had been the cause of my readmission this time, and was writing down notes of what I said. I told him how much more strong and grounded and in command of my situation I was now, and, as an aside I remarked that I regularly made fun of the 'entities' when they sought to interfere with me, and called them Nobby or indeed Little Knob ("because they stick themselves into everyone's business" ) to anger and belittle them.

True to his medical training, the doctor appeared to be studiously writing even those details down. So after that I was getting the giggles whenever I thought of that and how the notes he took then would look — and the face of some more straight-laced doctor who happens to read those notes in the future!

Oh well, there will always be some people who will see me as nuts!

A doctor's dilemma…

And now, a little about the uneasy subject of psychiatric doctor-patient relationships.

The aforementioned doctor, V, was clearly in some inner conflict about me, in a similar sort of way to what I've already described relating to the consultant. I didn't encounter him in my first two hospitalizations, so my first dealings with him were in my third hospitalization, when I first came to the Cedars. I could see at once that he had a much deeper awareness and altogether more inner freedom and flexibility* about him than the consultant or that ward doctor in Wonford House. He also seemed to like me a lot and to be really interested in my very different angle on 'mental health' issues — in a way that seemed quite genuine (i.e., not just patronization to keep me happy).

He even had a brief email exchange with me after that September hospitalization, relating to things on my Self-Realization & Spirituality website (the predecessor of this site). His tone was warm, enthusiastic and friendly.

But during this October 2006 hospitalization it was different. He was still friendly and enthusiastic in manner, but he'd put a clear barrier between himself and me, and always addressed me formally, as Mr Goddard. NONE of the other staff — consultant, doctors, nurses nor anyone else — had addressed me thus, and during my September hospitalization he'd been just as happy as anyone else there to call me Philip.

It wasn't just the words of his addressing me, though. This time his whole demeanour and various turns of phrase were used to put across the strong unspoken message, Yes, I know I opened up a bit to you, but that was careless of me because I have to think of my professional reputation as a psychiatric doctor… — and of course I was left feeling a bit snubbed, though not seriously so because I could see what was going on, and I was just a bit sorry for him.

I suppose my main feeling was just a small disappointment that he'd drawn back from the brink of opening up his life with new and greatly important insights — and I felt also that there was something about him that made him a 'natural' to be an ongoing personal friend of mine in a healthy and unattached, mostly arm's length sort of way, and presumably he'd been aware of that too, and that was part of what had caused him to take fright and stick up that barrier.

Of course there's the possibility that he may have felt something stronger towards me and potentially not so helpful, such as an emotional or erotic attraction — and if that were the case his taking fright a bit and putting up that barrier would have been particularly understandable.

But what he had no means of knowing was how aware and responsible I happen to be about such matters, and, far from drawing him into any inappropriate relationship, I'd have encouraged a truly healthy friendship centred around sharing the odd healthy activity, such as co-working on using and developing genuine healing and self-actualization methods, and, according to his particular interests, perhaps getting out hiking together sometimes, and so on. I simply wouldn't have allowed anything unhealthy or truly professionally compromising to develop.

Since that hospitalization I sent out a very occasional newsletter to relevant mental healthcare workers, including the nurses, the consultant, V, the Crisis Resolution Team, my 'community psychiatric nurse' (of which more further below) and my own doctor. In that newsletter I gave updates on my further insights and progress in clearing my troubles from the garbage. I got feedback that this was very much appreciated — not least, because of the ongoing friendly interest I was taking in them.

However, I never got any response to those from V. — Nothing actually wrong about that, of course, and nowhere in this account do I mean any criticism of him at all, but I mention it simply as part of the picture of his having sadly felt obliged to clam up towards me. Professional status is everything, and genuine human considerations get forced into, at best, second place.

…And another hint of an intriguingly positive relationship, at a distance

During both my Cedars hospitalizations I occasionally saw (in passing) another doctor, also clearly Asian, and in that case I'm fairly sure Pakistani, who caught my gaze in an almost startling way each time. On the odd occasion indeed, he noticed me, even at some distance, and I'm sure impression was mutual, and there was a transient sense of 'Wow!' as our gazes transiently met. It was clear that he had a deep and strong awareness — which appeared to be stronger, deeper and more focused than that of V, and more like my own.

On one occasion, I think in the first of the Cedars hospitalizations, he stood in for the doctor V, who was absent for one of his scheduled ward rounds, and so this striking man and I spoke together.

Of course, back then I couldn't usefully tell him anything about what I was sensing about him, for I had to be careful not to say anything that might cause him to think I was being 'psychotic' or indeed had a crush on him, and in any case he had only a matter of minutes to carry out his brief ward-round consultation. I didn't pick up his name, I think because again I was feeling a bit unsure of myself, and indeed lacking the vital piece of insight that came to me only quite a few years later on, which would have made proper sense of that apparent connection between him and me.

After that consultation, on further occasions when I saw him in passing by, that transient eye contact was then accompanied by a smiling nod of recognition and greeting, each time giving me a quite strong impression that he really wanted to talk more with me. I'd never had such a response (i.e., just in passing, at a distance) from any of the other doctors, or indeed other staff there, so there had to be something very significant about those fleeting 'wow' eye contacts.

Then, after that final hospitalization, for a while I sometimes cheekily visited the main (general) hospital just to use the Oasis Restaurant there for a satisfying and quite heavily subsidized lunch. On at least two occasions that doctor was having his own lunch there, in the Staff area, and again he recognised me and looked as though he'd so much like to talk with me — I repeatedly got the impression that he saw me as somebody 'special' or at least 'very interesting', who he wanted to know more about. Of course, it was possible that the consultant or indeed V had told him I was an interesting case, and so reinforced his immediate spontaneous 'deep recognition' eye contacts.

However, I was too timid then to go over to him, particularly as I could see that he was in a hurry to get away, doctors of course being busy mortals.

What I now recognise about him, from my 2023 perspective, is that he was, like me, not only a no-soul person, but one with a 'sniff-it-out' specialist configuration. And not only that, but my inner inquiry about him points to there being some quite important connection between his and my respective incarnational threads from long before this lifetime, and almost certainly well before this solar system, such that deeper consciousness had adjusted his developmental trajectory to maximize the chances of bringing him and me together at a stage beyond my expected severe garbage troubles in our current incarnations — such as, say, about now.

The catch was that a person's developmental trajectory isn't a scheduled 'destiny' (which is a harmful garbage-sourced concept), but a probabilistic matrix, and so on this occasion the crossing of our trajectories had occurred, but unexpectedly early, and too much so for what deeper consciousness was really intending — i.e., the two of us coming together in some sort of friendship, companionship or friendly sharing of a positive and creative project.

Drugs — that ever-mandatory final course to meals

There's just one other little point to draw to attention before I finish about my Cedars visits. I mentioned previously about the drug dispensing sessions being in the 'Clinic Room' next to the dining room in Ash Ward at Wonford House. Well, here in Cedars the equivalent 'clinic room' was just a little further removed from the dining room. So, guess what! The nurses had it all organised that, late in mealtimes, they brought out a sort of cocktail bar trolley with the mouthwatering (and unfortunately mind-and-body-screwing) sweeties (i.e.,'candies' to you USA folk!), and parked it right outside the dining room entrance, to remind everyone that it was time for their final and most sumptuous course.

You've just had Strawberry Surprise, Caramel Whip or Angel Delight? Now it's your turn, maybe, for Diazepam Surprise or Haloperidol Marvel (indeed, Haloperidol Humdinger if you're really lucky) — not to mention Temazepam Twirl, Seroquel Split, Zyprexa Zuggle, Zopiclone Zest or Mogadon Munch… All washed down with a priceless little measure of delicious life-supporting Exeter tap water…

How would one live without it? I can't wait to get back there — yum, yum!

Follow-up — the dreaded CPN!

The Crisis Team had notified the area mental health services of my hospitalizations, and so some days after my return home I was contacted by my allocated 'care co-ordinator' (previously known as community psychiatric nurse (CPN) or psychiatric social worker). I did have a CPN following on from my December 2004 hospitalization, but although he was a nice guy he was really too busy to be a useful support when I was under severe attack (and there seemed to be something a little 'fuzzy' and unfocused in his outlook, which actually didn't make him feel as supportive as would really have helped me), and after a little while at that time I'd ill-advisedly got the mental health services to drop my 'case' as an 'active' one so I no longer had the occasional contacts from him.

This time I learnt that that CPN had left, and the temporary one allocated to me was a very nice, accepting and supportive woman — and with quite an openness and depth of awareness herself. She was very accepting of my unorthodox description of what had been going on for me — indeed she was really interested in what I said, and even was keen to get reading some of my writings on (the predecessor of) this site — albeit the relevant writings being quite a bit different from how they are now, and at that stage still containing quite a lot of channelled misinformation.

She did something that the previous CPN never did — got together with me to draw up an official Care Plan. Although such care plans have no doubt widely been one of the system's tools for imposing its 'medical model' regime upon 'service users', in this case my Care Plan turned out to be a Bloody Good Thing.

This document enabled me to put into it my own account of what appeared to be going on for me and what was most helpful for me and what was unhelpful for me, and also to explain to care workers unfamiliar with me just what they may observe when I'm experiencing problems. The care co-ordinator gave me a draft of the document and invited me to write certain sections that were still blank and to rewrite others to ensure that my own view was 100% conveyed.

Copies of this document would then, when finally agreed and typed up, go to the Crisis Resolution Team and my doctor, and it would be available on computer for all mental healthcare workers who at any time got involved with me. That would ensure that healthcare workers who had dealings with me and had read my details would know to a fair extent how to be supportive, what was unhelpful to me, and what my medication needs were and what they were not. I was even allowed to include in my care plan the addresses of relevant web pages of mine, including this one, to further inform the care workers.

Although that particular care co-ordinator was only temporary, she told me that if I wasn't happy with my next one I was fully entitled to ask for a different one*. I've heard many horror stories of CPNs who in my view were grossly unsuitable to be employed in that or any type of care work, because of lack of awareness and their having major emotional issues of their own that they were not addressing and were allowing to adversely affect their interactions with 'service users' — so it's well worth knowing that one doesn't have to stick with an unsupportive or even abusive CPN / care co-ordinator.

I strongly recommend to other 'service users' that they don't accept less than the best, and insist on a change of care co-ordinator if they don't feel that their present one is properly supportive and accepting, and to ensure that their own understanding and viewpoint is fully and accurately represented in their care plan, so that the latter is an instrument of true support for them and not an instrument of oppression from the medics and other care workers.

Not Quite a Hospitalization 5 — The alleged departure of 'Mr Poo'!

On Saturday 3rd February 2007* I was getting various disturbing manifestations in my mindspace, including very aggressive visual 'No!' flashes in response to many of my thoughts and a very intrusive, hectoring and bullying inner 'thought voice', plus a build-up of attack, which were reminiscent of the lead-ups to previous major ordeals that had led me to hospitalizations. That night, when I went to bed and closed my eyes I saw weird and disturbing tumultuous visuals that I understood to be from the 'Dark Realm'**.

My 'guidance' (now claiming to be the supposed Creator Consciousness itself, which was of course really rubbish) made clear to me that I wasn't going to be allowed to sleep and was going to be given some work to do. As it was supposedly some overridingly important work that it was my destiny to perform, I was told in no uncertain terms that taking a sleeping tablet wasn't an option. This then led into my being taken through what seemed at the time to be the most monumentally spectacular and severe all-night ordeal that I'd ever experienced. I was going through this for about 10 hours in Earth time, but subjectively I was in a rather different time-scale, the ordeal seeming to last about 16 hours.

There was an involved story behind what I went through on this particular night, but I'm not going into that here. Suffice it to say that for an alleged very special 'higher' purpose I was being taken through experiences purporting to be those of part of the supposed Creator Consciousness itself, actually at the supposed beginning of Creation when, allegedly the so-called Dark Realm formed*.

This involved my being taken through visual impressions of myself as part of the Creator consciousness actually becoming the Dark Realm and being given intense feelings of the terror that was allegedly the basis of the whole Dark Realm — my task being to maintain my awareness of myself as Creator consciousness and so continuing to be proactively peaceful observer of all the experiences, no matter how severe. The alleged purpose of this was to bring healing to the 'dark' part of the Creator consciousness and thus assist an alleged healing and 'Enlightening' process for the whole Dark Realm.

After a short while immersed in the purported Dark Realm impressions I'd be prompted to draw myself back to the 'Light' of the main part of the Creator consciousness and then to go back into the 'Dark Realm', a bit more deeply and intensely — till after several such 'descents' of increasing depth and severity I 'descended' to a level where it seemed as though my body would break up if the terror feelings became any more severe (but still while I was being the peaceful observer of the experience and not actually getting terrified).

Then, after that most intense incursion into 'the Dark', I was taken into a whole range of purported scenes in the supposed Dark Realm, with strong 'terror' feelings* to match — all the time succeeding in being the peaceful observer and so actually not getting emotionally traumatized by any of this, though of course it was still very taxing.

As I'd already been through the most intense experiences at a quite early stage in the ordeal, the purported 'being raped by demons' tableau, when it eventually came, relatively late on, was quite an anticlimax, for the images presented at that point were very confused and vague (indeed with nothing that I could identify as having sexual connotations), and I was watching it all more with an anticipatory curiosity rather than being scared or upset by it — the attack with nasty feelings being comparatively subdued at that point and only mildly mixed with a few transient waves of sexual arousal. After all, I knew it was just a 'movie' display and really no more 'real life' than watching something disturbing on large-screen TV.

As time dragged on and on, and I was eventually thinking it must be close to getting-up time, and I was wondering how much longer this was going to go on for, I was given more intimidating scenarios, being told that for a particular supposedly higher purpose (which I'm not going into here) I'd then actually got to jump right into the Dark Realm instead of just observing — but some sort of inner 'warning signal' of mine caused me repeatedly not to allow myself to try to do that, despite the increasing pressure upon me to do so.

Finally, it being clear that it was way past my normal getting-up time and it had got quite light outside, and my having been told I'd now got bloodthirsty demons set upon me to eat up my body and ensure that I now fell into the Dark Realm to become a 'dark' being there whether I wanted to or not, the more grounded part of my awareness, which had been my saving feature all along, thought Sod the lot of you — you've had your turn, now it's mine! — and I got out of bed!

Immediately I was out of bed and on my legs I was staggering all over the place and could feel all sorts of ominous burning-tingling feelings moving about in various parts of my body. The bullying inner voice was shouting at me that I was a fool and should get back onto my bed at once, as the demons were in the process of eating my body and I'd just fall over and die an agonizing death anyway in a moment. I was also given a very strong impression that I wasn't really awake in the real world at all but was in a replica of it in an astral realm* — something that I'd experienced genuinely during my September ordeals during my first night or two at The Cedars.

Despite feeling a great resistance against flying in the face of what the voice was telling me to do, and this strong sense that I was just in an astral realm and therefore there was nothing I could do to change things for the better, I chose to force myself to go ahead and open my bedroom door and get breakfast — even if it really was all a replica in an astral realm and indeed felt as though it would be just too much trouble. If demons really were feasting on me, then, okay, I'd soon be dead anyway. Otherwise, breakfast for me seemed a pretty good option for continuing to live!

So, despite an eerily strong feeling of resistance, but also being aware of the many troublesome fictitious scenarios that had been given to me so convincingly at various times before, I made myself have breakfast, and then phoned the Crisis Resolution Team* (never mind whether that too was an astral replica!), for at that stage I actually wanted to get back into Cedars for just a couple of nights, so I could once more get into balance, thwarting the pressures from the bullying 'entity'.

The Crisis people were wonderful. Indeed, one of them was Jan, one of the nurses fondly remembered from my first hospitalization. Within an hour I had two of them — lovely people — visit me. They were greatly supportive, and it was clear that my previous positive interactions with the Crisis Team had helped, for they all had a liking and respect for me, knowing that basically I knew what my needs were and thus I could assist them in being as helpful as possible.

On this occasion, they very apologetically told me that just then there were no free hospital beds locally*, so it was a matter of getting what support I could from the Crisis Team people themselves. They had a long and very supportive chat with me and agreed for me to phone them for a chat when I felt the need, and to have further visits from them on subsequent days.

It was greatly helpful to have so much loving and caring support from these people, and just knowing they were really caring about me and were putting themselves on the line as much as they could was a great reassurance. However, there was one looming problem — what would happen during that Sunday night when I went to bed — still here alone in my flat?

Yes, I'd take a Zopiclone sleeping tablet plus a little Risperidone, but if the 'entities' (i.e., the garbage) interfered and attacked strongly again, then that medication wouldn't be enough to get me much or even any sleep — and I wasn't going to play about with higher doses (so much for my supposed suicidal tendencies!).

My concerns were underlined during afternoon and evening, as I felt a rising pressure of 'entity' attack, and the bullying inner voice was pressuring me to contact all manner of people to cry out for help — though in practice there was nobody just then for me to usefully 'cry out' to apart from the Crisis Team people. When bedtime came, with trepidation and still feeling a quite strong attack, I took my Zopiclone and Risperidone and got into bed — but then actually fell asleep even before the medication had had time to act, and then I had a pretty good and undisturbed night's sleep after all!

On the Monday evening I had an emergency session over the phone with DZ, and as a result of this, supposedly I finally got the bullying entity removed. My understanding at that point was that it had been the ringleader in all my troubles, 'orchestrating' the interference and attacks from 'astral entities' of various purported types as well as posing as some sort of higher guidance itself, so my at last getting it sent off appeared to be quite a coup.

As part of my policy of supposedly belittling and disempowering these 'dark' beings, I retrospectively named the departed troublemaker Pooh Bear, or, more respectfully, Mr Pooh.

Although after that I still had interference and at times lesser attacks from 'dark entities' (i.e., the garbage), at least then, so I thought, I knew the true nature of the cause of the big ordeals and various other major troubles*, and had got rid of it.

'The End of the Affair' — My healing methods really 'biting' in earnest

Subsequently, I never had cause for psychiatric hospitalization again. Yes, although I was succeeding in nipping almost all incipient attacks in the bud, the garbage still continued trying to create further crises for me on the rare occasions when something pushed a sufficiently strong emotional button for me, which then gave a foothold for the garbage to start an unusually strong and sustained attack, but actual crises progressively became on average less severe and less frequent as I further developed my self-healing / self-actualization methods.

It was enough to phone the Crisis Resolution Team for a chat and a little brief support on the rare occasions when a particular sustained attack looked particularly intimidating and potentially disruptive or dangerous, and that together with my particular methods was in every case enough to dissolve the particular relatively mild crisis.

The last occasion that I called the Crisis Team was in very early 2010*, when actually the overall major problem was the garbage causing me very troublesome phantom pain in my anus and so depriving me of sleep. However, about the same time I very much sharpened up my 'methodology' for handling garbage attacks, so that after that I was fully self-sufficient in dealing with attacks.

By then I was able, without calling for anyone else's assistance, to dissolve even the most threatening-seeming crisis attempts completely within an hour (though that had been a very rare situation, the last one in 2010 having been in mid July, and there was one such occasion in April 2011 when, as an experiment, I actually challenged myself by deliberately precipitating a major and very intimidating-seeming garbage attack on myself, which I then indeed dissolved over about an hour) — see blue panel further below for details of that.

I outline my strategy for handling a prospective rough night (i.e., with garbage interference / attacks or other 'psychic' or emotional shenanigans) in Ways of handling a prospective rough or sleepless night — and I recommend a similar strategy for anyone who has significant sleeping troubles — but the same principles really apply to all of everyday life (apart from the option of taking a sleeping tablet!).

Even at the end of 2010 I found another, really powerful way to be further improving the effectiveness of my self-healing methods and immunizing myself to garbage interferences / attacks, so things could only get better still. By that time I appeared to be well advanced in developing an 'energy' device that was distinctly more than a replacement for the Energy Egg 'family' of devices. That would be a potent tool for those who are prepared to actively use it to further their self-healing / self-actualization process and the clearance from themselves of all troublesome influences and interferences (and thus the root cause of what gets unhelpfully labelled as 'mental illness').

Indeed, in early 2011 I got to the stage that I'd completely discontinued using the Energy Egg 'family' of devices, and at that point I was clearly already getting at least as much benefit from my home-made Clarity-Sphere prototype instead, which device could be expected in the future to enable me to be still more efficient in further immunizing myself against all attempts at troublesome interferences in my life. My developing it thus marked a new and exciting level of self sufficiency.

 

A dramatic test of my methods…

In April 2011, one evening I put my progress to the test in fairly grand style. I was about to pack up at the computer and make tracks for bed, when I had an intuition to watch an online video of the infamous '9/11' terrorist outrage involving the destruction of the World Trade Centre towers.

I'd never before seen other than the odd blurry newspaper images of that event (I have no television, preferring a hole in the head to having one of those!), and I was sure that my watching a video of the event would 'push buttons' for me very strongly indeed and set off a strong garbage attack, which I'd then do my best to dissolve. This would be a particularly challenging time of day to initiate an attack, because it was close to bedtime.

In the event, yes, it all happened as I expected, and by the time I saw the final, monumental collapse of the remaining tower, I had a very strong to severe garbage attack under way, with strong and extremely menacing solar plexus ache and pseudo-thoughts telling me that I'd 'done it' now and would be overwhelmed by this and would have a desperate night, and all that. It felt truly hellish, as though I were being completely overwhelmed and consumed by a monumental blackness of unimaginable hugeness and was now to be totally destroyed, with no escape this time.

The important thing this time, however, was that I knew what was happening and what to do about it. I carried out several retunings of the Clarity-Sphere to all current environmental stresses (which includes the emotional 'button-pushing'), and used my large marble working Clarity-Sphere to carry out the Grounding Point procedure to 'zap' a few relevant illusory realities.

Once in a while I carried out further Clarity-Sphere retunings to current environmental stresses — because when one 'button-pushing point' starts to become unavailable to the garbage, the latter will then switch to successive other, related vulnerabilities. Thus a whole sequence of related vulnerabilities can be 'revealed and sealed' during a single attack event, so that a whole area of attack vulnerability is no longer available for future exploitation, and one's overall immunity is thus increased.

Within an hour the obvious manifestations of the attack were already gone, and I had only a few minor incursions of attack during the night, each of which I quickly 'zapped' by retuning the Clarity-Sphere to all current environmental stresses — though I had little sleep, with a sort of 'overactive mind' state, which is a different, less serious, sort of garbage interference. — And, no, I did NOT fall back on medication to try to get more sleep!

The indications, thus, were that I did indeed have some really useful understanding, and that I must actually have got doing something rather impressively right!

This, then, appeared to be the end of my narrative here, for I didn't foresee myself then having cause for any further dealings with the mental health services, at least as any sort of patient or client. I eventually cleared out my little stock of yum-yum Risperidone and, I think, even a few Haloperidol tablets that were still lurking in my bedside cabinet — and, more recently I turned out even the little remainder of Zopiclone tablets, not having used any for a long time.

Famous last words…(just this once twice)!

In late December 2015 I was taken aback by my starting to get strong and indeed sometimes severe garbage attacks once again, and therefore had to give the nice people in the Crisis Resolution Team quite a surprise by calling upon them for some supportive chats, particularly at night, to help ground my awareness. The attacks seemed to be particularly directed to trying to stop me sleeping, and so presumably to wear me down and drive me eventually to suicide (yawn… I've heard it all before! ).

Yep, I had to get taking periodic Zopiclone again! My methods for stalling and dissolving attacks and immunizing myself to future attacks, which had been working so spectacularly well for some years, appeared to have suddenly stopped working (i.e., specifically for me). I had a rough time for some 2½ months before that died out and my methods were working for me again. What the eff was going on?

And then the same happened again in late November / early December 2017 — but then I was able to make further observations that enabled me at last to understand what was really going on then, and which pointed to means to prevent such situations arising again.

Each of those macro-attacks had originated from my doing some inner inquiry that in particularly bold ways was seeking to work out extensions to my extant self-healing / self-actualization methodology, and had actually, despite my best efforts to remain circumspect about inner inquiry results, had been somewhat led astray by a troublesome phenomenon that I dubbed the 'sticky layer', which exists in each person's mind — i.e., not just mine — and adulterates any inner inquiry that impinges on particular fixations / obsessions that are stored in that subconscious aspect of one's mind.

Once I understood that, I was able to start the rather tricky and bumpy process of disengaging myself from the 'sticky-layer'-sourced scenarios that the garbage was then using as the basis for the current macro-attack, and, bit by bit, bringing about a quite bumpy overall accelerated progressive decline in the macro-attack.

Meanwhile I succeeded in working out a choice of three methods, each of which could potentially be used to clear one's 'sticky layer' of its untoward content, and started using those methods as well as putting them up on this site for others to try.

In 2018 I finally worked out as to why my methods had become ineffective as a result of each significant engagement with 'sticky-layer'-derived 'story' or fixations. It looks as though theoretically my attack-zapping methods had remained as effective as ever, BUT that particular type of engagement of mine with 'sticky layer' contents had enabled the garbage each time temporarily to be able to re-route its attack mechanisms through the sticky layer itself, which is a particular aspect or 'area' of consciousness where my methods have so far never been effective.

That underlines the need to disengage from any sticky-layer derived material, particularly thoroughly, in order to stop the garbage being able to use the sticky layer in that way, and thus to speedily recover one's ability to zap any attacks speedily and effectively. It should be possible to achieve this by using a straightforward declaration of intent (DOI) to completely repudiate and let go of all information, data, story or other communications that one has ever received from any non-physical source, including of course one's 'sticky layer'.

However, the upgrade to my methodology in September 2018, which rendered the Clarity-Sphere and indeed all external aids redundant, apparently has the effect of fairly rapidly resolving the problem of the garbage's being able to attack through the sticky layer with impunity from one's attack-zapping methods. The new methods were all 'tunnelling' straight through one's blockages instead of bypassing them, which latter was the primary effect of the Clarity-Sphere.

As I understand it so far, this 'tunnelling' produces a much cleaner route, with the sticky layer contents along that route being progressively dissolved, along with all other blocks and distortions. That means that the likelihood of any further macro-attacks caused by the garbage exploiting one's unwitting engagement with sticky layer contents would rapidly reduce to virtually zero, and any such attacks in the interim would be of rapidly decreasing strength and duration.

However, as part of my Project 'Fix the Human Condition', I identified the 'sticky layer' as none other than a faulty deep-level working data cache, which apparently deeper consciousness then fixed on a universal level (in early 2022), so theoretically it should no longer cause problems.

What all this 'performance' was REALLY about

This is where at last I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, because, although I haven't yet fully cleared out all my garbage interference, I've cleared out plenty enough to have gained liberating new insights on what had been going on. I now have a great deal of insight into the agenda and modus operandi of what I'd been interpreting as 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage, the universal cack, the naff, or whatever you're inclined to call it).

The circumstances of my gaining this new understanding

As related in some detail in My own self-actualization process or 'path' — Part 2, in mid-May 2007 I went on a workshop that provided me with a set of powerful yogic practices (not ordinary 'Yoga') and an inner inquiry method called Energy Testing, which I adapted and enhanced, eventually renaming it to Helpfulness Testing, which marked a particularly dramatic breakthrough point.

Through using the practices daily, and indeed adapting and modifying / extending certain of them, I experienced NOT the standard sort of daily 'recharge' that people experience from their daily dose of Yoga or Tai Chi, but instead a consistently incrementing positive change in the way I was experiencing life, with a corresponding progressive gradual weakening of the various garbage interferences and attacks, and their becoming increasingly sidelined within my everyday experience.

I also added the odd practices that I'd adapted from other sources (e.g., especially Grounding Point), and most of the practices, as adapted and extended by me, are presented on this site — notably in Some potent self-actualization / healing practices.

Not only was life coming to feel steadily more joyful and free, but I was steadily gaining in further mental clarity, as various mental blocks and patterns and deceptions / illusory realities sourced from the garbage dissolved. I was thus steadily gaining new insights into what had been going on for me, and all that the garbage had been strenuously seeking to conceal from me was progressively getting uncovered and rudely exposed — and there was little more (and that too was steadily decreasing) that the garbage could do about this to try to 'save its bacon' and stop me from writing in public about its modus operandi and indeed its true nature and how people can clear themselves of its interferences and influence.

As explained in My own self-actualization process or 'path' — Part 2, I have strong pointers to the garbage having previously been able to attack me with such severity because it was using as powerful weapons against me a particularly heavy load of 'lost' human consciousnesses (loosely referred to as 'souls') that had been attached to me since my first year or so of life.

It was thus the emotional traumas of these 'lost' souls (not my own traumas, as I simply didn't have any of my own to speak of) that would have been used in the attacks. In The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks I explain in some detail about the apparent significance of such parasitic 'lost' human souls and how, according to my working model, they're used by the garbage as weapons and instruments of control on people.

I counsel that you don't draw the simplistic conclusion that there was something very peculiar about me if I had such lost souls attached to me, plus the 'archetype' connections. If my working model is correct, almost certainly you yourself would have some attached / connected to you, and they'd similarly be used by the garbage to interfere with you to keep you turned away from true self-actualization, which latter would free you from the garbage's influence for good and make your life unimaginably happier and more positive in all manner of ways.

What would have marked me out from the crowds, however, was the exceptional size of the 'load' that I'd been given — and now we come to consideration of the reason for that and indeed just why the garbage gave me such a rough time.

The explanation in part — sinister strategies for a 'partial walk-in'

This is where, to avoid duplication and further extending this page too much, I refer you to the page Partial walk-ins — how the 'forces of darkness' nearly got me, where I tell the unedifying story of one thing that the garbage appeared to be actually trying to do. Psychiatrists and other psychiatric workers in particular, please take on board particularly the paragraphs of the introduction to that page, which are specially addressed to you.

The more basic explanation — to get me out of the way somehow!

Actually, the partial walk-in attempts look to have been only part of the more general 'intent'* of the garbage to try to get me right out of the way, even by killing me if necessary. Careful retrospective examination of what was going on during those most troublesome times for me revealed pretty obvious attempts at a mind-bogglingly wide range of serious attempts to take me over or wreck / destroy me in all manner of ways — quite often a particular crisis being set up like a sort of multiple pun so that, supposedly if one aspect of it failed to do the job, other aspects of it surely would — but somehow I came out of all of that unscathed in real terms, and armed with more data that I'd before long be able to start using against the garbage for its own 'undoing'.

Fortunately the series of what appeared to have been actual attempts on my life by the garbage all failed, as I explain in The 'forces of darkness' ('astral beings') — My own tough experiences and My 'astral beings' — Now the scary bit: What I was really dealing with.

To the best of my current understanding, the reason for all these dire shenanigans was both because at the time of my birth my 'energy' was identified by the garbage as carrying an exceptional 'freedom' and 'independence of mind' aspect, which indicated a potential strong threat to the garbage and its agenda. Also the garbage would undoubtedly have routinely 'read' my apparent underlying 'life task' of seeking to find out the true nature of the underlying cause(s) of the universal grievous human dysfunction.

That in particular would have rung strong alarm bells for the garbage — and thus, no wonder that I got landed with the particularly big load of parasitic lost souls and the strong connections to primary archetypes, and then was heavily targeted, initially with particularly severe childhood night hells and then much more recently, with all the gross interference and attacks to try to take me over or destroy (indeed murder) me (again, see the latter page link above).

A weird conundrum — about the garbage not doing the obvious to me

There is, however, one point about all this that still eludes satisfactory explanation. I have masses of observations that appear to strongly support the hypothesis that the garbage was repeatedly trying to destroy me, even to the point of killing me. Yet all these attempts were based on particular psychic attack strategies — only (well, except for trying to get me to kill myself while at home during the thick of my troubles).

It became very clear during my disrupted years that the garbage could work out its troublesome agenda for a particular person through other people anywhere on the planet (e.g., through giving channelled 'readings' that all appear to verify each other, which are aimed at causing the person serious problems).

Yet, apparently, the garbage never did the presumably very easy and obvious thing to dispose of me: to manipulate or control somebody into seeking to kill me physically or into having a motoring 'accident' that just happened to kill me, on a hitch-hike on one of my regular hiking outings — and neither has such a possibility been a real concern of mine*, even though I've always been aware of such possibilities.**

That observation is all the more pertinent because I've heard about certain individuals where the latter sort of thing appears to have been happening, with various people very definitely seeking to bring them to physical harm and also a variety of serious physical 'accidents' befalling them. For the time being I can only very tentatively speculate that the difference in my situation is to do with my being an enlightened no-soul person with a strong intent for and actual process of self-actualization, and with a very strong survival 'instinct' to boot, and thus I have a particular very positive 'energy' configuration that tends to inhibit physically destructive responses from other people towards me.

Over the years I've had a very few attempts by individuals, in response to this site's contents, to send me potentially lethal psychic attacks by email, and my inner inquiry (whose results always need to be regarded as somewhat speculative) supports the reasonable hypothesis that a 'modest' succession of attempted psychic attacks sent by other means has notionally come to me and still does so.

That would be inevitable, because of my public profile through this uniquely challenging site, which cuts right through all traditions and belief systems — but I'm simply immune to all that sort of stuff, and spontaneously dissolve any trace of such an attempt that does 'stick' a little, without being consciously aware of any of that going on at the time.

In order to be susceptible to a psychic attack you need to be carrying whatever illusory realities the attack is programmed to exploit. If you've been systematically dissolving your load of illusory realities over the years in an ongoing self-actualization process, as I have, it's very unlikely that you'd still be carrying any of those that would be required for a psychic attack to have any significant effect on the target person.

Also, the very positive 'energy' about me is presumably what's been preventing the garbage from causing me to have serious 'accidents' on my own, on mountains or exposed cliff edges, both of which I have quite a taste for in my hiking outings! Even during the thick of my 'dark' times I went on hikes and still enjoyed negotiating the odd fairly seriously exposed situations on cliffs, in some amazement that the supposed 'astral beings', or whatever, appeared not to be even trying to cause a physical problem there — whether causing an 'accident' or simply giving me some story leading into an instruction to jump over the cliff edge or to divert from my normal route onto a stupidly dangerous bit.

I guess the answer about that is that in such situations my own mental clarity came into the foreground as the challenge of all the more precarious hiking / scrambling situations forced me to pay proper attention to what I was doing, so temporarily improving the grounding of the relevant aspect of my awareness and thus rendering me temporarily much less gullible and open to garbage interferences. See Fear versus reality — A salutary mountain experience, for example — the experience related there being in 1982, and so very much pre-dating my big garbage shenanigans.

Let's point out here that this anomaly of the garbage apparently not using physical means to dispose of me, apart from trying to get me to kill myself by physical means within or, rarely, close to, my own home (nowhere else), is one of the many aspects of its behaviour that point to it being programming-driven rather than being any sort of conscious, aware and reasoning being.

If the garbage had been the latter, then surely it would have been monstrously more difficult if not impossible for me to avoid being destroyed by it. Indeed, in that scenario 'Humanity' as we know it couldn't have survived as anything we'd recognise as human, so I, as this funny little man on Earth at this particular time, couldn't have come into existence!

Does all this about trying to get rid of me actually matter?

Actually, from my current perspective, writing this note in late 2017, it not only hardly matters but could all too readily be a harmful side-track if given more than a rather cursory glance, even though it's no doubt sort-of true in a way.

The point that we all need to keep focused on is how to get out of any current left-over impressions of garbage interferences and attacks and to make ourselves as immune as possible to any further attempts by the garbage to mess up our lives. My methodology cuts right through all the 'story', so that you don't need to know whether any of it's 'true' at all.

You simply pay proper regard to the simple mechanisms of the attack and use the simple and easy methods that I present on this site for dissolving those mechanisms and progressively immunizing yourself to further such interferences. Then it's also easy to see what a lot of inconsequential flatus (fart gas) all that story really was, even if it was 'true'!

Thought forms — free gifts from the doctors, which nobody tells you about

I've already mentioned the nice little toxic 'sweeties' or 'candies' that the doctors quaintly call 'medication' and dish out to suppress your symptoms and your humanity at the same time, but there's something else quite 'toxic' that the doctors hand out with total abandon — not only to the patients but to well-nigh everyone who they deal with. These free gifts are totally invisible, but they also help suppress the humanity of the lucky recipients.

What on earth is this crazy man on about?

I'll tell you. Thought forms. Ever heard of them? They're used in 'magic', and, most virulently, in black magic, voodoo and similar traditions. When a person puts a spell or a curse on you, that person sends you one or more thought forms, which are troublesome constructs of programming in 'thought energy' of one kind or another that have been given a sort of autonomous existence and can be used as weapons to harm or control another person. They're stock in trade of the 'dark' practitioner.

However, we ALL unawarely generate thought forms, many of which simply take hold on ourselves, helping us become more entrenched in our beliefs about ourselves and reality. That in itself is quite unhealthy enough! But, particularly where there are power / control related interactions between people, those people who are asserting some sort of personal status (whether real or imaginary) or control agenda over other people actually send thought forms completely unawarely to the other people, thus causing them to feel in particular ways deferential and maybe submissive, subservient or inferior to the person asserting the power / control 'message'.

Such thought forms tend to remain with the affected person because the garbage has ways of keeping them in place and preventing them from dissolving over a few weeks as they otherwise would.

So, my great news for everyone who's had dealings with any sort of doctor — and particularly psychiatric doctors*, never mind how 'nice' the latter may seem to be — is that they've almost certainly picked up from the particular doctor one or more thought forms that are stunting their ability to be truly themselves and to be self determining and fully responsible for themselves, and which are making them tend to be dependent on doctors and the whole medical healthcare system rather than live truly healthy lifestyles in which they're fully in charge of their own health and mental and emotional well-being.

The Good News is that anyone can get dissolving such seriously mentally disabling thought forms that the doctors have unawarely given them, through use of certain of the practices that I describe or point to in Some potent self-actualization / healing practices. Indeed, I describe there a practice particularly for dissolving thought forms, though for full effectiveness it really needs to be used in conjunction with one or more of the other practices mentioned on that page.

I came to get intimations of this issue in December 2007, when my own inner inquiry results were strongly suggestive that I myself had picked up significantly problematical thought forms from the psychiatric doctors with whom I'd had dealings, which were apparently to a certain extent hindering my whole self-actualization process (including clearance of the 'entities' — i.e., garbage interference — issue). My discovering this, however, was good news rather than bad, because I simply used the thought form dissolution procedure given in the aforementioned page.

Conclusion

Like people putting fig leaves over the 'private parts' of statues of naked people (except far worse, because it does immense harm), psychiatric workers routinely stick diagnostic labels on people to protect themselves from even beginning to understand what they're really working with*. That has got to stop if people, and thus the human race at large, are ever to emerge from the morass of destructive unawareness and irrationality that are increasingly threatening the very continuation of the human species on Earth.

On this site I point to the real way forward for ALL mental healthcare, and it's summed up in the simple terms self-realization or self-actualization, with a top priority on grounding. To find some excellent methods to achieve these, please go to Healing and self-actualization — the safest and quickest way, and also follow the links given on that page for particular methods. Please also see How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.

Ideally that would simply mean each 'patient' or 'client' (as well as ALL psychiatric / mental healthcare workers) being fully self-directing in using self-actualization methods on themselves. Although that isn't the 'real world' at the moment, because few at this stage would take up any sort of self direction, there is a really practicable way forward in bringing self-actualization process into mental healthcare.

That simply involves the psychiatric and mental healthcare workers taking up self-actualization methods themselves, using them on themselves on an ongoing, daily basis, and then after they've been experiencing significant positive change over at least some months (and they're still using the methods on themselves), to start guiding patients / clients, whether individually or in groups, through using certain of those methods themselves.

On this site I present or point to a number of such methods. A particularly powerful and effective one to get groups of patients doing regularly is Self-Power Walking, and another is Grounding Point, which I present on the same page. On the individual consultation / counselling side, guiding patients / clients through the inquiry process of The Work* is by far the most (genuinely) helpful approach, instead of all the time-wasting psychology / psychiatry based approaches, which all have the common factor of using various demeaning sorts of intellectualization that deny the people's humanity and point everyone away from addressing and resolving the real issues.

As well as using such methods, there needs to be a firm and universal policy in ALL psychiatric institutions and services, to be proactive about getting patients / clients to STOP SMOKING and to understand clearly that their smoking has been a major aspect of their problem, whether or not they'd realized that before.

There's no good reason for pussyfooting on this issue on the basis that it would be intruding on personal freedom, because (a) the service or institution has no business to be purporting to be helping these people if it backs away from addressing a quite crucial aspect of their problems, and (b) it actually already shows no real respect for patients' freedom anyway, because of the compulsory nature of the administration of drugs and other 'treatment', plus all the compulsory detention of patients.

So, currently what's harmful and ineffective (i.e., to genuinely resolve any problem) is compulsory, whereas what would be a genuinely beneficial compulsory element (i.e., to enforce quitting of smoking) is shied away from. What arse-about-face logic!

As in ALL medical establishments, staff can't be effective in helping clients / patients to quit smoking if they themselves are smokers — so another requirement is that ALL psychiatric / mental healthcare workers (indeed, really ALL healthcare workers, of any type), at all levels, who currently smoke must themselves fully and permanently quit smoking in order to be properly effective in their work. The need is for those who are unwilling to do so (even with assistance offered) to leave the profession or indeed to be sacked if they won't go voluntarily.

So, to sum up from this whole page from the viewpoint of my own personal experiences, although I withdraw nothing that I've previously said in criticism of psychiatry, it was possible for me to find a very human and loving face to my more recent situations involving it — even though I continue in a friendly manner to put out strong challenges to psychiatric and mental healthcare workers to change their outlooks and their ways.

A lot of this comes down to how we're all mirrors to each other's issues. As we come to understand when we use The Work, when you have in your mind particular judgments on a situation or a person, it's because that situation or person is mirroring issues of your own which you'd do well to resolve (please take that on board, all psychiatric workers!), and which various of the self-actualization methods given on this site enable one to resolve so amazingly simply and quickly if they're awarely and consistently applied.

Because of all my self-healing and specifically my thorough ongoing use of The Work from March 2006*, I'd cleared a small but quite significant quantity of 'my' emotional issues** before the time of the September 2006 hospitalization. Thus I came into the hospital only with masses of love and no judgments on anyone, and this reflected straight back to me and dramatically changed the way I experienced the people, the situation and the whole hospital setup.

It has amazed me how various individuals have written in to me or posted in forums summarily dismissing my insights and my healing / self-actualization methods on the basis of their particular beliefs, while in the real world, through applying careful observation and clear thinking to all my experiences, however 'difficult', I actually pieced together my own working model / hypothesis of what was happening, and was able not merely to 'recover' from particular crises but was able use each crisis and indeed each single attack as a 'handle' for my progressively immunizing myself to such interferences and disruptions and indeed to turn my life around and make of it altogether something greatly more positive, joyful and creative than it had ever been before.

I haven't yet heard of anyone achieving such a thing out of such a dire situation as I was in — and indeed presenting his/her methods for doing so on a website for others to use. What are people so afraid of in my achievements that they have to dismiss me in such terms as flawed, misguided, mentally disordered, delusional, paranoid, schizophrenic, something not quite right about him, deeply disturbed, impostor, arrogant, narrow-minded, intolerant of others' views, seeking to thrust his beliefs upon others, driven by a huge ego, and so forth? — Amazing indeed!

…And from an early 2022 perspective, just look how far I've got now in use and indeed validation of my methodology and my whole mindset and modus operandi — no, not just for myself but for all human-type beings in all of 'Existence':

Project Fix the Human Condition
>> Hot Topic

Finally, I wish to point out that I nowadays have a page on this site that's particularly for people who are in a crisis situation, to help them come out of it double-fast and, in many cases, never have such a level of crisis again. The page in question is

Crisis emergency self-help — Life upturn the SMART way.

And I remind again that I also have a page especially for psychiatric workers (though extremely useful educational reading for anyone) — How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.

And really, finally, finally, as I've already remarked:

Let's look forward to some future time when nobody has good cause to issue such a caution!

Appendix 1 — How to get the best out of a psychiatric hospital

It's time now for me to briefly put together what my experience has shown to be helpful for getting the most sympathetic and accommodating and genuinely helpful responses from doctors, nurses and other mental healthcare staff, both in and out of hospital, and generally, to make the best possible experience of your hospitalization.

Okay, I seem to have been particularly lucky in not getting any of the many 'bad apples' in the mental healthcare services, but in no way does that detract from my conclusions; it's just that with less aware and sympathetic staff it would have been more difficult for me, but I'd have still got the best possible out of them through responding to them positively and seeking to assist them in assisting me.

Indeed, I was well aware of non-critical problematical tendencies in various of the nursing staff, but sought always to tiptoe round those and engage with their positive aspects. As with people in general, even some of those nurses who seemed very aware and to be quite supportive let their side down once in a while by intruding upon me by giving me unsolicited, unwanted and plain unhelpful advice about how I supposedly needed to sort my life out — as though they knew anything really about my lifestyle and life situation anyway, or genuinely understood what a really healthy mode of living would be like!

However, I think that generally I succeeded in getting the message across, that such advice wasn't helpful and wasn't what I'd come into hospital for — and, thankfully, such advice wasn't a really significant feature of any of my stays in hospital, and really was nearly all restricted to my second hospitalization.

Certain nurses had strong authoritarian, controlling 'streaks', which could have caused me some difficulties if I hadn't spotted them and thus hadn't been careful to engage with the more human aspects of those people. There were the odd patients who had a very rough time in being controlled and restrained by nursing staff — though, as already remarked, they were bringing it on themselves by being disruptive in various ways, and were actually giving the involved staff no option but to take what action they did (bearing in mind the limitations of awareness in their training).

Also, two of the nurses seemed to me much more like patients than nurses, because they themselves were so submerged in quite severe emotional issues (and indeed 'entity' / garbage interferences), and particularly needed to be sorting themselves out before trying to help anyone else. I see such people as quite unsuitable to be in caring services or professions at all, and it seemed to me bizarre indeed that those individuals were employed as psychiatric nurses — except that it fits nicely into the pattern of the 'blind' and mentally distorted trying to lead the 'blind' (and often not so 'blind'!) and supposedly mentally screwed up.

One nurse who I encountered only a few times, in one of the hospitalizations, seemed okay until I said something about my developing understandings of my situation, and he at once got self-righteously dismissive of what I was saying, stating something like No, I'm not interested because I'm a Christian and don't agree with any of that!. That was 100% unsupportive and unprofessional, and a sort of response that ALL mental healthcare workers should be trained never to give, ever.

Really, holding a religious belief makes ANY person unsuitable for mental healthcare work of ANY kind — but at the very least, if anyone with such belief has to be employed, then it's essential that it be clearly laid down to them that their beliefs are to be kept out of sight at all times in their dealings with patients / clients. Retraining, redeployment or dismissal needs to be mandatory if they're found to be in default over that.

Another small point that in my view wasn't all right, which I noticed in my third hospitalization, which occurred in quite warm weather in September, was that patients were being nannied at for wearing shorts. Indeed, I was wearing shorts initially, and at a quite early stage some hints were dropped to me that shorts were not exactly 'proper' clothing for that hospital, even though it was warm enough and shorts were more natural and comfortable.

Some other patients were spoken to in a much more forthright and nannyish way over the same matter, such as Xxxx, isn't it time now you were dressed properly? I'd say that that was no way to speak to any patient, particularly when the only 'issue' was their wearing shorts rather than long trousers.

I'm aware, too, that I was very lucky in having no major problem with fellow 'patients'. In my second hospitalization there was one woman who for a couple or so days was convinced that I was German and thus (in her view) a Nazi, and made a lot of bad atmosphere towards me. But then, after my having made discreet representations to the relevant senior nurses, one of whom then had a quiet word with her, she woke up to my not being German and a Nazi after all and apologized profusely and indeed resumed saying flattering things to me, though I still sought to avoid her (in as friendly a manner as possible) because of her strong energy-sucking pattern — the latter being a feature of a high proportion of psychiatric patients.

And in my fourth hospitalization there were two individuals, one with dementia (and surely even more in the wrong place than most of the other inmates), both of whom I learnt to steer well clear of, lest either of them get 'stroppy' with me because of my not buying their own intrusive, energy-sucking agendas — but really that was all.

So, leaving my little niggle points behind, here follow my recommendations for the smoothest possible passage of somebody as 'patient' in the psychiatric unit…

• See all staff members as fundamentally decent well-intentioned people, and any problems with them as arising from the system within which they're working, and / or their own emotional issues and 'entity' / garbage interferences.

• Allow yourself to like the staff members as people — even ones with whom you disagree over certain things. If you genuinely like them they will feel it and will like you, whether or not any particular individual shows it openly. If you can actually think of them as friends (in a non-attached sort of way), that's even better, and they will feel that way about you.

• Show an interest in them personally. Even just a really meant How are you?, Wow, you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning!, or You look tired / a bit down; has it been a stressful shift?, and then really paying interested attention to what they say (rather than immediately shifting emphasis onto your own issues), does wonders to make them like you and see you as a nice person who they want to be kind to and really help rather than just wielding power over you.

  They aren't used to 'patients' who actually take a friendly interest in them, so by doing so yourself you're onto a winner. Their work is stressful, and a 'patient' who pays attention to them in unstressing and gently caring ways won't only seem very nice but also remarkably sane — provided it's done in a natural, sensitive and non-intrusive manner.

  Operating in this manner also helps balance your own perspective on life, making your problems seem more manageable.

• If at all possible, seek to understand your situation or 'condition' from other, non-medical sources. If you have holistic insights gained, say, from this website or some similar resource, then sensitively but firmly explain about that to the doctors and tell them what your true healing needs are and what they're not.

  Make it clear that you know that drugs and ECT only hide symptoms (at best) and don't resolve the real problem(s), and therefore are no true healing solution. Refer them to your information source(s), for example giving them links to relevant pages on this site.

  They may well disagree and almost certainly would require you to take a bit of medication, which it may be necessary to diplomatically accept, but the more command and understanding you have of your situation, the more the medics are likely to accommodate reasonable wishes of yours, at least to a point, and the more it would be a genuine learning experience for them even if they appeared at the time to be unreceptive to your ideas.

• If you lack specific information about your own particular problem(s) with which to inform the doctors and other care workers, you can at least tell them of the importance of emotional release methods for yourself, because efficient means of clearance of old emotional traumas is a fundamental healing need in virtually all mental health and so-called personality disorder issues, and, crucially, you can tell them about the top priority importance of getting one's awareness properly grounded, which isn't achieved by any of the medical treatments 'on offer'.

  So, you could include in your true healing needs stated to the doctors something like Assistance / support in getting my awareness grounded and balanced again, and clearing my buried emotional traumas with efficient self-actualization methods like what Philip Goddard presents on his website. It would thus be helpful to learn something about such methods, so that you can inform the doctors / nurses a bit.

• Relating to the last point, see yourself as fully responsible for sorting out your issue(s). You're taking on board some assistance, yes, but it needs to be only assistance for your own process of self healing. Most 'patients' abandon most or all of their responsibility for their healing and recovery, passing it to the medics and care staff, and the system strongly encourages this. That's a greatly unhelpful, non-healing approach.

• Go even further and see yourself and your problem(s) fully as a learning opportunity for the doctors and other care workers. They don't necessarily know better than you about your issues, and in important respects may know very much less (despite their confidence in their ill-based diagnoses and labels), and can be assisted by you towards a better understanding.
  

  However, it's necessary to be sensitive and give them the feeling of being gently assisted and not being bludgeoned by your views and told what they've got to think. I often find something like "I know this would probably seem weird to you, with your training, but my own understanding / experience is…" is a good start for an explanation to a doctor / consultant.

• If you have a disagreement with any of the care workers — especially the doctors and nurses — it's best to avoid like the plague getting emotional about it on the spot. You can deal with your feelings of frustration, anger, etc. afterwards in private, and, if this is done responsibly (especially with methods such as the The Work or, even better, Self-Power Walking or the Grounding Point procedure), would gain you great respect for your responsible self command.

  Getting emotional in a disagreement with doctors / care workers pushes all the wrong buttons for them and makes it much more difficult for them to really pay proper attention to you and take on board anything important that you say, and makes it much more likely that they will then wield power over you (usually actually because they're then afraid of you and your emotions and feel that they don't really know what to do about you and have to somehow bring you under control).

  I've no doubt that it's been this sort of issue that has led to many 'service users' in Exeter having reported negatively on their experiences with the Crisis Resolution Team, while, with the odd minor exceptions, I've had only positive experiences from them, with much supportive friendliness. The exceptions were simply:…

  Click to read more / less…

  • One member of the team, at least during my really difficult times in 2005, clearly had insufficient depth of awareness to be suitable for working in such a job, and when, under pressure from further attacks from the 'entities', I telephoned the Crisis team and got her on the line my heart sank, because I could feel at once that she was completely out of her depth.

    She asked a variety of questions that were all not quite 'on the ball', and she gave pointless and not properly focused advice (which I didn't ask for and didn't want) and was quite incapable of supportively listening to me because she had no clue what I was going on about — all this stuff about 'astral beings' attacking me and all that. But I kept my cool (though my inner exasperation may well have shown a bit) and simply had to 'write off' that particular contact with the Crisis Team and look forward to getting one of the good ones another time.

    On a much later occasion I got another rather similar person, though in that case it wasn't only the awareness issue, but also the point mentioned below about people wanting to get me off the line pretty soon, and I really felt pretty let down by her for her lack of true supportiveness and clearly having no idea what being a supportive listener really entails*.

    * One good illustration of that was her response when I sought to explain to her my need then for the odd friendly chats with Team members to better ground my awareness. In a bored-sounding tone she remarked Oh well, if that's what you feel you want… -but in such a tone that she might just as well have said Oh well, if that's what turns you on… But I'd much rather that you'd just run along now like a nice man, so that I can get on with my job!.

  • One particular Crisis Team member, who was in a more recent visiting party at my abode, not only had a bit of an awareness problem but actually had a seriously dark and twisted 'energy', and by use of inner inquiry supported by Helpfulness Testing I established that the prime cause of this looked like being soul fragments that were attached to him.

    If that was indeed the case, however good his conscious intentions, he really wouldn't be suitable to be employed in any sort of caring profession, until those soul fragments had been cleared off him. (The means for achieving that are presented on this site.) There are a lot of care workers around generally with such problems, and thus who are currently really unsuitable to be care workers in the first place.

  • In my contacts with the Crisis Team in 2008, all I needed in order to get my awareness sufficiently grounded to clear the particular crisis attempt was a few chats with supportive people. On that occasion I found that, apart from the odd particularly aware individuals who I think understood more deeply, there was a tendency for them not to be really that interested in me and to want to get me off the phone line pretty quickly.

    The general unspoken message that I was picking up was that if I was so much in command of my situation and just needed to talk with some people, the CRT had other priorities.

    I did keep explaining that I lived on my own and had no accessible supportive friends to turn to, and the CRT people all still said apparently the right things, and Yes, do feel free to call us anytime — that's what we're here for and all that, but I could feel from their 'vibes' and also their no longer calling back or offering visits, that because I was no longer considering hospital as a possible requirement, nor taking medication, I was simply too 'well' to warrant their assistance.

    It seemed to me at the time that most of them didn't see themselves as properly doing their job if all it amounted to for a particular person was a small number of friendly chats. I've no means of knowing, of course, whether that was a fully correct interpretation of my impressions.

    Having said that, however, I do have to report that in late 2009, when I had cause to call the Crisis Team after over a year free of crisis-level attacks, the Team seemed to be every bit as forward as I've known them in doing their best to be helpful — and this at a time when I'd have thought they'd be having still more pressure on their very limited staff resources.

    Just maybe somebody there had read my comments above and got the message — i.e., that I was in no way wasting their time whenever I called, and that my just having that 'lifeline' of a few supportive people who I could talk with briefly, and who would check up on me that I really was okay and handling my situation effectively, was if anything more of a life and sanity saver for me than the sort of actions that would have been indicated from their training and routine experience with people in crisis.

    However, it may be that the difference this particular time was that my initial call to them had been in response to a potentially quite dangerous type of garbage attack that I'd just had in the middle of the night, and I'd actually asked about the possibility of immediately getting into hospital or at least some sort of respite care for a couple of nights. On the other hand it might be that I was just unlucky on the 2008 occasion and they happened to have their hands rather full just at that time with other people in crisis coming to them needing urgent attention.

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  Yes, this is because they have their own emotional issues, which for the most part they aren't addressing and healing. Their training has little or nothing to do with their getting themselves healed and really sorted out. — Crazy!

• After your hospital stay, at some appropriate point(s) it's really cool to write a letter to the doctor(s) involved and the nurses on the ward and indeed any Crisis Team if they were involved, thanking them for their support and telling them positive things about your hospital experience and how your situation is developing, and giving them any further insights you have gained as to the true nature of your problem and what has and hasn't worked for you in addressing it.

  I was told that my letters to the Crisis Resolution Team and to the staff on the wards had actually been pinned up, so it looks to be a good idea to print any such letters on one side of the paper.

  Not only does it feel great to write such letters, but if you have to call on those people's services later on, they will be delighted to see you again and will find it easier to give of their best for you, and will understand more about what's really going on for you.

  They'd also be more likely to accommodate any insights you have concerning your problem, if you have been showing that those insights have been demonstrably helpful for your recovery / healing process.

Appendix 2 — Somebody, please remind me what psychiatry and so-called 'mental health' is supposed to achieve!