Psychiatry: my personal experience
— gaining fundamental insights — Part 2
At a glance…
Part 1 of this major and seriously educational exposé took us in detail through the Author's first internment in a psychiatric hospital, pointing out the mind-bogglingly irrational basis and functioning of the whole psychiatric / 'mental health' system and mindset, and also showing how he was progressively learning masses of important things for future very constructive use.
This second part of the exposé takes us more briefly through each of his subsequent three hospitalizations, and his other dealings with the local mental health facilities — particularly the Crisis Resolution Team. This leads us into seriously important discussion of a number of related issues, including how 'patients' in 'mental health' establishments could make the most of their experiences there for a positive experience for all involved, and a maximally positive and constructive outcome — and of course how 'mental health' workers at all levels need to change their mindset and ways in order to genuinely benefit their 'patients'.
These experiences and the underlying principles are of great relevance not only to 'mental health' workers and service users but to prison / probation service workers and prospective and extant prisoners, who in some cases would find a whole mindset and practical approach they could take on board to turn their lives right around. Yes, the prison / probationary service workers as well as the offenders and ex-offenders.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER
With regard to any of the various psychiatric and 'mental health' workers, 'healers', 'lightworkers' and purveyors of healing / 'spirituality' associated products or services who may consider that I've presented a seriously misleading image of them and their words / actions towards and dealings with me here or elsewhere on this site, if any of them has read this page and believes that I've got things significantly wrong about them, it's fully open to any of them to give me a full explanation (at last!) of what was really going on for them in relation to me.
If that explains all my actual physical observations of events at least as well as my own necessarily rather speculative interpretations of their behaviours, then I'd definitely give strong consideration to presenting their own version here, even in place of my own interpretations if I considered it appropriate for me to do so in the light of the need to honestly get to the heart of the matter and not just indulge particular individuals' wishes to present a particular rosy image of themselves.
Hospitalization 2 — The politician's
Consultant's promise…
Surely not again!
Okay, I'd goofed a bit, for, as already noted, (a) at that stage I'd actually not really begun to understand significantly and thus become able to address the big underlying problem — that of weaknesses in my non-physical aspects enabling the garbage to interfere with and attack me, and (b) I simply had no-one close enough for me to turn to in order to sleep away from my flat and with supportive company for a few nights when the garbage made things difficult for me.
Late November that year (i.e., 2004), the ordeals returned to me with a vengeance*. Late on Sunday 5th December, after three consecutive nights with no sleep, it appeared that I was in the process of dying. The only hope, apparently, was to get out quickly from my flat and stay out for a few nights somewhere else with a supportive person or people around — but my acute isolation pattern had meant that, as I've already intimated, I still had no-one to turn to for that purpose. Well, except for…
* Actually, this wasn't the complete relapse to 'square one' that it could easily appear to have been, for, although still quite confused and still with a problem of weak grounding of part of my awareness, I'd actually learnt quite a lot from the previous crisis event, and wasn't so open to a fair number of things that the garbage would otherwise have tried on me again.
As I understand it now, each successive time the garbage sought to seriously disrupt my life, its options to achieve that were more limited than the previous time, because of my having gained more insights about what it was up to, and indeed my thus grounding progressively more morsels of my awareness and so rendering them relatively immune to this sort of thing, and thus progressively increasing my overall immunity. The garbage thus had to adopt a different approach and use different 'story' to confuse me each time, because the stories it had sought to get me involved in previously could no longer be so effective on me.
This time the ordeals centred around an intimidating scenario of it supposedly being imperative
that at that particular time I got working directly on healing an absolutely massive
emotional trauma that I was allegedly carrying, relating to my horrendous early childhood night
torments, which I nowadays understand to have been two levels of genuine hell
experience, though it wasn't till well on in the following year that I learnt that those
experiences were nothing other than what are widely and rather misleadingly called
'night terrors').
It was being forcefully put to me that I had to undergo severe attacks with fear-related emotions repeatedly, and relive many of my horrendous childhood night time torment (i.e., night hell) experiences, day and night for a seemingly indefinite period in order to 'heal' all the alleged massive trauma within this lifetime of mine.
As I came to understand later on, that was all bullshit, although based on a true situation. In reality the trauma material involved was virtually all not mine at all, as I explain in Night terrors and hell experiences — Understanding and clearing them, and my real need, being strenuously hidden from me then, was to get rid of the parasitic lost souls attached to me, whose traumas were being used by the garbage in its attacks on me, and indeed which had been used as vehicles for all the hell experiences I'd ever had — and also to dissolve / inactivate my connections to primary archetypes, in which resided a much more massive pool of emotional trauma material that could be used in attacks on me.
And so it was, that in a state of desperation, and trembling strongly for much of the time*, early on Monday 6th December I took a taxi to that hospital that I'd emphatically said I'd never, never, never return to (at least as a patient). I presented myself as a voluntary patient asking for help this time, and, much as my supposed inner 'guidance' had said would be the case, I secured agreement from the consultant (again Andrew Blewett) and ward doctor, in my brief initial meeting with them, that they would allow me to guide them regarding my healing needs, so this would surely all work very differently from before.
* Actually that wasn't fully spontaneous, because part of the convoluted story that I was getting from my 'guidance' was that it was only my vigorously trembling that was preventing me from dying right there and then in my flat (and then, later, initially in the hospital)! So, every time the trembling seemed to be flagging I was frantically working hard to keep it going!
That in itself was an attempt by the garbage at a classic wrecking tactic — but instead of allowing that tactic to run to my complete exhaustion (and very likely the garbage then doing something very nasty to me in my then exceptionally ungrounded state), I most unsportingly chose to start pulling myself out of all that by taking my first step to start regrounding / rebalancing my awareness — in other words, my hiring that taxi to take me straight to Wonford House.
Actually, when I arrived at the hospital, I did so in particular trepidation, because my 'guidance' was repeatedly emphasizing to me that the consultant had seen the original version of this very page (i.e., nowadays Part 1 of this long account), which had already been on my website for a few weeks by then, and was extremely hurt and angry about what I'd written about him and the ward doctor, and so I'd have some really grovelling apology to do, and with very uncertain outcome.
In the event this was clearly more bullshit, for I'm sure that neither of them either knew of any web page of mine, nor would have had any interest in visiting it if they had come to know of it. They just wouldn't have wanted to get involved with something that they'd have realized (as it was written by me!) pointed so much away from their familiar (but absolutely useless and downright harmful) territory of psychiatry, and which would have been calling into question the value of their social and professional status as psychiatric doctor / consultant.
Please do thoroughly read How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients to see how soundly-based are my scathing comments about the current role of psychiatrists at all levels, and what we really need them to be doing instead with their time and brain power!
Keeping the elephants away
I'm not giving a repeat of the degree of detail that I've given above for my first stay at the hospital, and will here concentrate on some things that were different this time, and any additional observations and lessons to be learnt.
That Monday afternoon I allowed myself an offered one-off medication of a 5 mg tablet of Haloperidol, an antipsychotic drug that the nurses were keen that I take. At that stage I was still rather assuming that I was dying and the tablet wouldn't really make any difference to that (please note that it was a practical assumption and not an actual belief!) — except that in my previous hospitalization I'd similarly been supposedly dying and had had a similar tablet initially, and this time I did really slightly value it as a sort of comforter in reminding me of that other time when actually I didn't die at all but very rapidly recovered — even though the Haloperidol itself presumably had little or no truly beneficial effect.
I'd been allocated a twin room in the near end of the 'pong' section of the men's accommodation, and lay down for a much-needed nap, and indeed to die if indeed that were to happen, because there really was nothing any more that I could sensibly do to stop it happening. Indeed, initially I was still getting some fragments of commentary from my 'guidance', and I particularly remember my 'guidance' telling me, once I'd got myself lying on that bed, that my 'causal body' was now separating off, which I assumed meant that I was in the well-nigh final stage of my supposed dying.
My understanding is that what some traditions call the 'causal body' is roughly equivalent to what others would call the soul. At that time I didn't know that, apparently, I have no soul, so would then presumably have had no 'causal body' to separate off! . Actually my understanding is additionally that nothing at all separates off from the body. Rather, the particular aspect of fundamental consciousness that has functioned as the particular personality simply ceases to be physically located, rather than going anywhere different — so it's more like a switch turning off.
I guess that the aim was to get me even more frantically trying to keep the trembling going. However, I realized that to do so made no sense, because the most that that could do (if indeed I'd been given correct information) would be to put off completion of my dying till I was too exhausted to continue trembling, and I wasn't going to get anxious and worked up about that, and so just 'turned the other cheek' and lay defiantly quiet and still, allowing myself to enjoy each moment as best I could.
At least I was now in a reasonably peaceful place to die, and also I had the comforting thought that I'd been apparently dying in this place before, and it had all turned out to be otherwise — though I wasn't troubling to stress myself out by hoping for anything. Whatever would happen would happen, whatever I or anyone thought or believed…
…As I lay there and the passing minutes became an hour or so, increasingly I felt more normally dozy, as the weird feelings that in fact the garbage had been giving me to try to convince me that I really was dying were progressively fading away. Gradually I started getting a slight feeling of an unbelieving sort-of wide-eyed wonder, as it was increasingly looking as though I wasn't dying at all. (! )
Evening meal time came, and, a bit shakily, surprised at myself, I joined the other inmates in the dining room for that rather minimal meal (as previously noted, lunch was the main meal of the day there). There were the odd inmates who I knew from my previous visit. This was indeed most remarkably not like dying — even though I could think of quite a few other places I'd rather be, such as sitting on top of the delectably remote-feeling craggy Sgurr Eireagoraidh in the bonnie western Scottish Highlands, eating my packed lunch while looking out over distant Mallaig and the sea to the Cuillins of Skye on a sparkling sunny day in May!
Whoever tells us that paradise is after you die (i.e., if you have been 'Good') doesn't know what (s)he is talking about! Anyway, no point in trying to talk with anyone here in Wonford House about the delights of hiking over North Morar, for they'd have simply assumed that that was part of my particular set of delusions that had got me hospitalized! (That is, apart from certain of the nurses, who, I think, really did recognise some really weird mental healthiness about me*, despite my immediate problem).
* In late 2018, during a very temporary garbage attack situation, when I had cause to call the Crisis Resolution Team, on a few occasions I actually got on the line S, who had been a nurse in Ash Ward during my two stays there. I'd always been particularly on-guard about her because she seemed to me to have a rather intimidatingly busy, officious and bossy manner, and had on one occasion given me a bit of telling-off about my being supportive to the odd other 'patients' there.
But when I spoke to her on the phone in 2018 I was quite taken aback by her. She sounded quite
thrilled to hear from me, and was full of praise for me from back in 2004, like nothing I'd heard
from any of the nurses before. She kept emphasizing that the nurses in the ward had particularly
liked me and she always felt that there was something very special and intriguing
about me, which
had always impressed her, and that I was a thoroughly good person
and one of the few true
gentlemen
she'd ever known.
So, yes, that as well as odd other bits of feedback from other Crisis Team workers who'd been nurses in the hospital wards where I'd stayed, goes a long way to support my own impression of their view of me.
Lest any reader here may be feeling rather unimpressed by my apparent boasting about my having some supposedly superior qualities, I'd best remind that it's necessary to make the above point in various places in this long exposé because the vast majority of people habitually assume that anyone who's had dealings with psychiatric / 'mental health' services is mentally disordered and thus supposedly inferior and somebody to disregard if not keep well away from.
In any case, the reality that has dramatically became apparent in more recent years (this sub-note written in 2024), is that, whether anyone likes it or not, I do have a whole set of personal attributes and aptitudes that do indeed mark me out from other people, including truly exceptional mental clarity, especially when it comes to gaining deep understandings of situations, including the overall 'human condition'. See About Philip Goddard to get an idea of how I do stand out from the crowd, and indeed, how and for what purpose that had come about.
If you come to understand that properly, then you'd see that it's as natural and 'okay' as an eyebrow, an arm or an arse that in describing my dealings with psychiatric / 'mental health' services I would stand up my full height and call-out the many supposed 'experts' for their low-grade (and indeed inferior) mental functioning — not to put myself on a confounded pedestal but to point to real needs for clearing out the whole mess of human dysfunction, which latter is compounded rather than addressed by the whole psychiatry and.'mental health' mindset.
It's important that their irrational (and thus mentally disordered!) attitudes be challenged at every reasonable opportunity, and also that the major significance of my writings be made as clear as possible to individuals who would seek to find reasons to dismiss me and my work.
That night I accepted the one-off sleeping tablet just as I did for my first night the previous time, but I didn't follow that up with Diazepam — I was resolute that that was a no-no for me.
One particular difference from the previous time was that, although initially on my presenting myself at the hospital I was accepting the actually completely false information (from the garbage posing as my 'guidance'), I was quick to drop all the 'story', and indeed ignore the 'inner voice' altogether.
However, there was one potentially very risky thing I did before I dropped all that, and that was, to go along with the claim from my 'guidance', that I'd overdone my state of self-actualization and had opened my 'crown chakra' so much that 'astral beings' were free to enter it at will and be my tormentors for evermore (i.e., including beyond this lifetime) — and the only hope for me would be to receive some ECT.
So, when I was given an interview with a particular senior nurse (Jamie) to find out more about what care / treatment I needed during that hospitalization, I actually did the dread thing and asked if I could have ECT. Fortunately Jamie was one of the more aware ones, who I'd already come to respect quite a bit, and he advised that ECT was a serious sort of thing to do (as though I really didn't already know that! ), and it would be best if we sat upon the idea for a little, and then if I still was sure I wanted it in a few days' time they'd give it due consideration.
Fortunately, once I'd had my first night's sleep there I was then able to observe unequivocally that I wasn't dying at all and indeed was no longer being tormented, so it was clear that the thing about receiving ECT was just another bit of reckless 'guidance' and something completely to ignore. Thankfully, my request for ECT hadn't set anything obvious in motion, for ECT for myself was never mentioned to me by anyone again.
At the Wednesday ward round the doctors were keen that I accept a long-lasting injection (for which they used the jargon word 'depot') of Haloperidol. I didn't want it at all, being well aware that it would be totally useless except perhaps for keeping (nonexistent) elephants away, but at that stage was prepared to compromise a bit just in order to pacify the doctors. This was actually a low-dose one-week tester, but at that time I was told that it was the full 4-week-lasting dose.
At the following Wednesday ward round I showed a list of positive steps that I'd worked out for myself to take in order not to run into further problems*, assuming that this would convince the doctors that I need not be at the hospital any longer.
* The steps were all in effect related to getting myself better grounded — even though at that time I wasn't actually thinking directly of grounding, because it wasn't till late 2006 (and more so in 2007) that I really woke up to the grounding / ungrounding issue and its crucial relevance to one's vulnerability or otherwise to the garbage's interference and attacks.
So, in that respect the list of measures was a valiant attempt, and much better than anything that any of the doctors or care workers could come out with, but I didn't know then that (a) I needed to clear certain extremely harmful items — sources of serious environmental stress — from my flat (particularly the sacred geometry 'healing' wands), which had to a very considerable extent caused my predicament, and (b) I needed to use appropriate methods to heal the weakening of my non-physical aspects caused by those harmful things and by my channelling and indeed involvements in spiritual healing (including Reiki), which had all contributed to my great vulnerability to the garbage.
However, they were insistent that in their view I was truly ill
(the consultant had asked me
more about the nature of my 'guidance' and had decided that I was indeed a bit psychotic, although
he never used that word to me) and must remain and accept their medication. They were not
interested in my planned positive steps that were meant to be an attempt at resolving the
underlying cause of the problems that had been arising. All they were interested in was treating
with drugs the alleged psychiatric disorder that they'd 'identified'.
I got the strong impression that at that point, if I'd put my foot down and unilaterally made to
leave, the consultant would have had me 'sectioned' straight-away. So much for the gentlemen's
agreement that I'd secured from him and the ward doctor on my day of admittance — a real politician's promise
! Clearly they had no understanding at all of what true healing needs were
(i.e., those of myself or anyone else) — or if they did have any such understanding, they were
keeping it well hidden under the counter in order to protect their professional standing as — yes!
— psychiatric doctors.
Oh, and another thing the consultant asked me about was various questions about my level of
energy. From my answers he confirmed his earlier conclusion that I was somewhat hypermanic and
therefore was also ill
in that respect and needing treatment. This was
lunacy, because my energy abundance was nothing to do with having pathological 'highs' but simply
to do with not being weighed down by all the emotional crap and restrictive rigid patterns that most people have in their systems*.
Actually it's a quite remarkable thing, that the massive interferences I received from the garbage didn't drain my energy, at least very much. Most people with such a scale of garbage and 'entity' interference would have energy level and overall health significantly compromised. Indeed, I've encountered over the months and years many people with such interferences, and they ALL have shown obvious signs of energy depletion and some degree of depression.
* In far-retrospective view, to be fair on him, I should add here that that statement isn't completely true, for, as already noted, each time I got admitted to psychiatric hospital the garbage actually attacked me with, yes, a certain degree of hypermania, specifically to make me appear a bit 'mentally ill' to the doctors / consultant! However, that was really only on the respective admission days (possibly for the first hospitalization it lasted another day or so), so it was still incorrect and extremely unhelpful of the consultant to regard me as generally hypermanic.
An enlightened person who also uses the Alexander Technique effectively as a self-actualization / self-realization method can't help but have a lot of energy available, but this energy is under the person's command and doesn't make the person problematically 'high' or 'manic'. Indeed, one of the nurses had particularly remarked on how his seeing my leisurely pacing up and down the corridors kept reminding him to find out more about the Alexander Technique, because he was so struck by my uprightness and visibly loose and relaxed state — hardly a description of hypermania! What I didn't have was all the tensions that normally weigh people down and tire them out.
Anyway, a little later that day I had the indignity of a 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol into my left buttock.
At the following Wednesday ward round (22nd December) the doctors decided to allow me out on two days' leave and then to discharge me (yes, on 24th December) provided all was well during that leave, and thus it was that I was once more free. It took considerable persistence on my part to insist on not continuing with the 'depot' medication, which the doctors in their non-wisdom insisted that I should accept as an ongoing thing in my everyday life.
They found it extremely difficult to accept my own practical and pragmatic viewpoint, that the correct way forward with the medication would be to not continue with it, and see if any further troubles arose after expiry of the current injection, and to take another 'depot' injection only if and when further troubles arose and I couldn't stem them by my various positive steps. If further troubles didn't arise (after all, I was already starting to take those positive steps that I assumed would be helping me to resolve the underlying cause), then what was the point of taking further medication?
And of course if the problem recurred while my 'depot' injection of Haloperidol was still current, that would be a sure indicator that a repeat dose would be pointless.
These doctors' logic was a bit like throwing torn-up newspaper out of the windows to keep the elephants away; you know it works because you don't encounter any elephants. (We remember of course that I'm in the UK and not Africa, and global warming hasn't yet proceeded that far!) It was also a manifestation of their general policy of drugging people to suppress symptoms and hide their issues rather than applying true healing methodologies.
In fact, so persistent were the doctors about the medication that early in January, a few weeks after my return home, I had a phone call from my regular doctor's secretary asking me to arrange a time for my next 'depot' injection, which apparently had been delegated to my own doctor's practice. The secretary was distinctly surprised when I laughed and said firmly that I'd have no more of those injections unless I found that I had a need for them, in which case I'd get in touch and ask for one. They were a bit put-out about that because they'd obtained a small stock of those injections, specifically for me.
Depression — the difference between 'treating' and healing
Treatment for depression in hospital? — WTF??!!!
Hang your heads in shame, every one of you staff who dealt with the 'patient' recounted here!
There was one particular patient who I have cause to mention this time round. This time I was sleeping in a twin room whereas in my first stay I'd been in a single one.
In fact this time my heart sank because I found that my allocated room mate, J, had severe depression and wanted to spend much of his time in bed, not speaking to anyone much. He was thus, on the face of it, to put it politely, not a good room mate for me with my own difficult issue when I first came in — more of a 'heart-sink' room mate!
At least he didn't burden me by talking to me about all his personal problems, because he was either asleep there in our room (most of the time) or he was moping in the smoking room, and so, to my relief, we just didn't have any sort of exchanges, for I kept right out of that room.
After about a week I encountered him one evening sitting on a seat just outside the smoking room and managed to get him to speak just a little (in his very 'low', depressed and hopeless voice), and he told how he'd spent much of his life in athletic activities and particularly in running, and how an ankle injury in his early 50s had put paid to all that and then the depression* had come down on him like a ton of bricks.
* In The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks I explain what depression really is, and point to how it really needs to be addressed.
I told him that actually that injury had been an important, and in a funny way positive, 'stop' signal for him, and how actually he'd been way out of balance all that time when he'd thought his life was just fine, because he'd kept himself closed to so many other potentialities of his, and now it was actually his very positive task and prospect, to open up his mind to some of those potentialities and to start realizing some of them, developing new interests and activities and so opening up and rejuvenating his life.
I said I could give him a simple but profound long-term healing* to make it easier for him to start opening out in that way, and he accepted the offer. Back in our room I gave the healing. It took only a few minutes, fortunately with no nurse poking in (the nurses did a ward check of all inmates every hour). I spent much more time in the all-important reinforcing pep-talk, reminding him again and again of what he'd been missing for so much of his life and now could at last start connecting with to start living a new life which didn't depend on running and physical, athletic achievements, and actually would bring richer rewards.
* Actually, as I much later came to understand, the supposedly special healing method that I was using then — courtesy my 'guidance', which was, of course, unbeknown to me, the garbage, was in itself largely bogus and indeed had a harmful aspect because of use of a supposed healing symbol that had been channelled to me, which was really quite harmful and would have made people more open and vulnerable to the garbage.
However, as far as I can ascertain through retrospective inner inquiry, J did gain something important from my giving him that 'healing' — in that it worked simply as a placebo, helping reinforce part of the 'message' in what I was saying to him, to the effect that he was actually okay and simply needed to let go of his old attachment to the running, and to enjoy the freedom of having multiple choices in his life — and he was effectively his own best 'healer' and would be much better off without the psychiatric or medical services having anything to do with this issue of his.
It's one of the many weirdnesses of the pretentiousness of the whole arena of medical and psychiatric care, that anything that works as a placebo is officially dismissed. Awarely and judiciously used, the placebo effect does have its places in genuine healing, where no better method is available.
2024 update
With my much stronger communication channel nowadays between 'ordinary mind' and my deepest aspects, I re-checked about that 'healing' I gave him. According to my indications now, even back then I had sufficient strength of connection between 'ordinary mind' and my deepest aspects for very positive things to happen. Although aspects of the procedure I used then would have been harmful rather than helpful, my placing both my hands on his shoulders or/and top of head with a strong empowerment intent did have a distinct empowering effect, notwithstanding that my doing the same now (albeit without a certain dratted symbol I'd have used then) would be much more effective. I must say, for somebody who was some little way from being no-soul, his coming out of that depression and latching onto my encouraging words so well seemed surprising at the time.
Probably the procedure in itself wouldn't have been able to achieve all that much directly, but the figurative 'positive energy boost' helped empower and motivate him to properly take on board my inspirational talk and 'vibes', so he really understood the importance of what I was saying, so embarking on a fair degree of inner recovery process despite all the obstacles that the whole 'mental health' setup was facing him with.
He was amazed, because NOBODY had said such things to him before. I too was amazed — but then was also not amazed because I knew this was how it usually went for so many people. One has to say yet again — What the f*ck did those doctors think they were doing drugging that man and electrocuting his brain without ever stopping to look at what the CAUSE of the depression was, and what simple measures could be taken by him to turn his own life completely around???!!! — And the nursing staff were also negligent in not asking him such basic questions themselves, though no doubt their training and likely conditions of employment proscribed doing anything so obviously essential!
You see, they neglect the most basic and fundamental principles of being a healer — even a 'decent' Western-style allopathic one! That's why I want all these psychiatric so-called 'doctors' struck off or compulsorily retrained in real healing. (And real healing from a professional would NOT be what nearly everyone thinks, but would be training the clients in being their own best 'healers' — not trying or pretending to do that task for them! - Again, see How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.)
Over the rest of my stay, J slowly but consistently became brighter and more alert, more inclined to get up earlier instead of lying in for each whole morning. I started to see a certain radiance around him, which had been obscured before because he'd been so weighed down and darkened with his depression. Meanwhile the doctors presumably imagined that it was their (actually destructive) regime of ECT and medication that was healing J! At least J had little doubt about the source of his healing, and he saw it as occurring in spite of — not because of — the doctors' efforts.
Before any bright spark jumps up and says the healing was obviously a result of the medication and ECT, let me ask any such people how it came that no such positive change was occurring for anyone else, for others were receiving similar 'treatment'. It was just the one patient to whom I'd given 'healing' (as I now understand, only of placebo value) and proper life change counselling (the really important thing), who was making that very strong progress. Indeed, from a 2023 perspective I'd pretty-well dismiss any supposed 'healing' I gave him and recognise instead the importance of that basic life-change counselling I gave him, including the distinct inspirational 'resonance' effect that he was getting from his interactions with me.
Actually, from my 2023 perspective it seems to me surprising that I've mentioned little or nothing on my pages here about the inspirational 'resonance' effect that amenable people experience in my proximity, especially when interacting with me. That is very much to do with my being no-soul (with specific 'hyper-tweaked' specialist configurations)* and having an ongoing self-actualization process. — And no, that's all there is to it; I'm not a 'holy man', even though many years ago I did have the odd person call me something like that!
* For an explanation, see the appropriate section in About Philip Goddard.
— Indeed, more or less all people who are widely regarded as 'holy' would actually have serious garbage issues themselves, usually remaining unaware of those issues, so being quite a menace to anyone who involves themselves with them. So, ironically, I turn out to be effectively MUCH more (genuinely) helpful to amenable people than any so-called 'holy man'!
'Progress' report on another inmate
Y was still there in that ward, with clear signs that his emotional troubles were catching up on him. That would have been great in an environment where emotional release was encouraged, but here more stops were pulled out to assist him in keeping his emotional rubbish in and preventing any crying or trembling. Yes, enabling him to keep it in was seen as helping him!
How I'd have liked to take the man aside and give him the support and encouragement that he really needed to let the crying and trembling out! But I knew by then that it would never be allowed there. I did, however, get an agreement with Y that once we were both out of the hospital we would meet up periodically for healing exchanges, for I could easily show him how to use his very definite healing ability, and he had the sort of personal warmth that made him a 'natural' with whom to exchange healing and emotional support.
In fact Y never chose to meet up for such sessions, and indeed went missing from the hospital for a while, which caused some concern, but I encountered him in the street on a number of occasions during 2005 and he did at the time seem to be slowly recovering — albeit not in the sense of a real forward moving self-actualization process.
However, more recently I saw him occasionally in the street, and he had about him a look of going to rack and ruin, and, curiously, for a long spell he pretended he hadn't recognised me, even when we came pretty well face to face — as though he was embarrassed at his own unwillingness to get together with me on a real self-healing 'journey'. He was very attached to his smoking, for one thing, and he knew I was a non-smoker and would be bound to encourage him to give it up if he were to set up any sort of mutual healing relationship with me.
Actually the whole idea of having regular 'healing' exchanges with him, although well-intentioned, was based on my ignorance at that time of what 'spiritual healing' in all its varieties actually does to one (greatly harmful — something I was still in the thick of progressively discovering), and the additional harmful effects for me of getting involved in any way with individuals who aren't reasonably close to my own level of awareness and motivation for positive life change.
So, although it's conceivable that the psychiatric doctors and mental healthcare service regard him as being some sort of success of theirs, the sad fact is that any 'success' was in damaging his mind (particularly with ECT) sufficiently for him to be unable to do other than go more consistently downhill, whether or not he attracts the attention of the mental healthcare services again.
More conclusions?
Not really, I think. I can't really claim to draw further conclusions from this second stay at Wonford House, apart from my gaining further experiences of value to myself, and underlining my previous observations and conclusions. Again, all I'd really needed was a number of supportive people around me in order to assist me in regrounding my awareness — not 'treatment' and indeed not doctors of any sort.
Having said all this, however, I feel it's worth noting that when I returned to the hospital for the second stay I was wondering if perhaps I'd been a bit over-harsh about the psychiatric service and the doctors. Perhaps they really did seek to work out with patients about positive life change and all that. And then, when I presented myself for this second stay these two doctors at the hospital made out initially that they would indeed be very happy to co-operate and allow me to be their guide as to what my healing needs were, so I approached all this with a very open mind, seeking to be fair to all concerned.
In the event the protestations of flexibility and openness proved false and the doctors turned out to be every bit as narrow in their perceptions and understanding as I'd originally thought. It's fair comment to say that they badly let me down on my second stay because they completely ignored their promise to me — but then evidently they'd had no understanding in the first place of what they'd been promising (just like so many politicians!). It was also disappointing on this occasion to have certain nurses who I'd thought knew better acting as mouthpieces for the doctors' grossly flawed outlook on my own situation and healing needs.
Actually, although that's fair comment on what actually happened physically, I think there was more to that situation than met the eye. Did those doctors really mean to be so dishonest and untrustworthy? I very much doubt it. I can't speak for the ward doctor, but the consultant actually had quite a reputation (I'm not sure how well founded) for being much more flexible and open-minded than the majority of psychiatric doctors / consultants — and I've already remarked that I observed signs that he actually did have some wish to learn from me because he could see that I had some important angle on mental health that he wasn't party to — BUT of course his sticking block was the old chestnut of his professional standing as a psychiatric consultant.
Thus, I very much suspect that when I came back to the hospital this time, the consultant would have been very much in inner conflict as to how to relate with me, and this would have been bound to lead to inconsistent behaviour. Most likely, when I was admitted that time he genuinely wanted to help by having me direct my own 'care plan', BUT then he would have taken fright, fearful of where it might take him in relation to his professional standing as a psychiatric consultant, and then inevitably he would have reacted by overstepping a bit on the conventional side.
Although this may look to be purely speculative, it's a much better explanation of the consultant's volte face than just negatively concluding that he was dishonest and untrustworthy (i.e., actually what you might call a bad man), and it's also underlined by a rather similar sort of thing that was much more clearly the result of inner conflict, relating to another doctor, which I relate much further below.
Roll on, the time when true holistic healing and self-actualization has replaced psychiatry! Then these lovely and basically caring people could be really serving the community by truly healing people — or rather, assisting people in becoming their own best 'healers' (which is the only genuine healing in the long run)…
Not quite a Hospitalization 3 — respite care the better way forward?
Naked nasties — confusions progressively unravel
On 20th January 2005 I found myself getting filled with fear / panic feelings again, but with the difference this time that not long before then I'd resolved not to interact with any alleged guidance or inner voice, and so these horrible feelings came to me as a completely pointless 'blind' assault with no explanation as to any alleged purpose for it. With no taste for another succession of horrendous ordeals with no sleep over several days / nights and then ending up in Wonford House yet again, I took what measures I could at least to give me the feeling that I was taking positive steps.
One desperate measure I took was to arrange with my doctor's practice for me to have another 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol after all. However, over those very difficult weeks it was clear that this was no answer — though my retrospective inner inquiry results point to the Haloperidol actually having just very slightly lessened the severity of my experience of the attacks — though it did so only through effects on my system that were harmful long term, so, use of it had never been a sensible or worthwhile measure to take.
I'm actually really glad, though, to have had that depot injection, because that enabled it to be seen directly how useless such a treatment was, at least for me. That, then, gave me the evidence on which to base any subsequent refusal of depot injections, and indeed rejection of Haloperidol itself in any form.
Another of the measures I took was to send an email about this new development to Hans Jager (henceforth abbreviated to HJ), a friendly email correspondent of mine at that time who was a young supposedly enlightened 'spiritual' teacher in the Netherlands. He quickly responded, saying he was pretty sure that astral beings were not the cause of my trouble, and that it was actually self-generated anxiety / panic attacks that were causing me to create thought forms and so was actually much more controllable by myself than I'd been thinking.
This did in fact make sense in a sort of way, and could conceivably even have explained the horrendous guided ordeals that had been inflicted upon me before, because, so I reasoned then, very likely old anxieties of mine had been creating thought forms that then had been presenting themselves as harsh and tormenting 'guidance', which then dragged me through nightmarish experiences, distortedly reflecting an anxiety of mine to do all my self-healing fully and thoroughly.
Actually, in hindsight I see that as not at all being a convincing or helpful explanation, and I did recognise it to a fair extent at the time, but I was simply so desperate to try to find some really meaningful and helpful explanation of what was going on for me at that time that to some extent I let my own good sense take back seat.
An anxiety on its own can't produce thought forms that would then torment you. Only the person could do that — and that simply wouldn't happen to any significant extent without the garbage interfering in particular ways to make it happen. So, in healing terms, we come straight back to the need do address the issue of the interference and attacks from the garbage.
There's also the point, that to identify particular exceedingly strong anxieties as the cause of the problem simply doesn't make sense, because that in turn begs the question as to what had caused or was causing the particular anxieties, and of such a magnitude!
Nowadays I'd recognise any strong anxieties that a person is carrying or experiencing as being direct or at least indirect attacks from the garbage anyway, so really HJ, although certainly meaning of the best, had just fed me an extremely unhelpful bit of poor reasoning in order to help keep in place his own particular very seriously harmful 'spiritual' illusory realities (i.e., to avoid gaining a more accurate understanding of what was really going on).
I also considered that, as, so I thought then, I'd been intimidated in at least one of my previous lifetimes* by the false teachings in Tibetan Buddhism about severe punitive karma and the hells, no wonder that I'd been experiencing thought forms appearing as 'guidance', shouting at me that I was due for ALL the hells, including the Hell of Ultimate Torment, and giving me various difficult and 'dark' experiences that appeared to be leading me towards that delectable prospect! And as apparently in a few lifetimes I'd been into seriously 'dark' practices*, no wonder that I'd been guided into attempted repeats of some of those practices — being taunted for good measure with what I was given to believe was the smell of roasting human flesh remembered from sacrificial rites in one of those lifetimes!
* My current understanding by means of inner inquiry and the results of applying the gained working model in my self-actualization process, is that, as already noted, I'm a no-soul person and therefore wasn't being affected by any past lives of my own (because I had none), but instead was being severely affected by past life traumas carried by parasitic 'lost' souls attached to me, plus contents of the massive cesspit of distorted emotional trauma energy residing in the primary archetypes to which I was connected, because the garbage was using those sources as its ammunition in the attacks and also in many of the illusory realities that it was seeking to get me to take on board as my 'reality'.
I found that by taking on this new perspective I could progressively loosen the hold of the panic feelings, and renewed pangs would dissolve again as I focused on the new understanding that they were only old anxieties and not any external entity assaulting me. I had a very fruitful, sleepless but peaceful night running my mind over these issues and observing the dissolution of many new pangs of fear, it becoming increasingly clear (at least so I thought then!) that HJ's interpretation must be correct.
This of course appeared to be great news for me, because, if it were correct, these old anxieties could all be addressed, and when they were seen as what they were they could no longer be intimidating and therefore couldn't sustain themselves and would dissolve when observed with understanding of their true nature. With this in mind I thought I could be pretty confident, with clear reason, that I'd have no cause to return to Wonford House as a 'patient', and that things would now get a lot better for me.
Actually, what had really happened was that, by getting hold of that apparently reassuring scenario from HJ and managing to make it appear to fit tolerably with my experiences, I'd slightly improved the grounding of a particular part of my awareness in such a way that I was temporarily able to break the feedback loop of trauma energy that constituted each attack.
Also, although I didn't realize it until my proper 'waking up' in 2007 about what was really going on for me, another thing that was most likely helping just a little even then was my having my first, tentative, experience of starting to regard the supposed 'astral beings' as not being actual conscious beings at all, and being related to some sort of activity of thought forms. At that time, however, I didn't have enough of the seemingly genuine picture for the new notion to 'add up' sufficiently in relation to what I was observing, and, without the security of it all 'adding up', I had no way to maintain that initial little 'window' in my interferences and attacks.
After a few days, however, I had powerful anxiety / depression / panic feelings return to me, and then I was despondently seeing myself as apparently falling into some serious sort of breakdown, with the prospect of hospitalization yet again. Panic mixed with depression is a particularly virulent and dangerous combination, which gave me suicidal feelings even at this stage* — even though I was strong-willed enough not even to seriously contemplate acting upon them.
* Actually they were virulent suicidal feelings, the like of which I'd never experienced before. Indeed, I'd never before had real suicidal feelings at all, even during all those pre-hospitalization ordeals.
Among the additional measures I took around this time to get my awareness better balanced (I wasn't at that stage thinking about grounding per se) were my making a regular fixture of having my lunch out at Herbie's, a very nice vegetarian restaurant, just a few minutes' walk from my flat, once every two weeks (it would have been more frequent but for my financial constraints then), and my starting to go to sessions of relevant support groups at the Joan of Arc Project. I say more of the latter much further below.
Then, on one of my desperate-feeling evenings, I telephoned Gordon Hughes
(henceforth abbreviated to GH), the 'lightworker' who had supplied my sacred geometry healing wands, and he
made what I thought was more sense of it all for me*. He had
supposedly advanced higher perceptions and, so he claimed, could determine during a phone
conversation what was going on for me. He assured me that the disruptively strong upwellings of
trauma emotion feelings that were plaguing me were actually from old issues, particularly from
previous lifetimes, being squeezed out
during my emotional and karmic clearance as what he
described as the final stage of my accelerated self-healing path — and thus were part of a very
positive process — in this case what's widely known as a 'healing
crisis'.
* I'd actually felt then and subsequently that he was holding back something important from me, and the apparent evasions and even downright deceptions from him became more obvious right up to his final contact with me in 2007.
For much more about GH's bizarre and seriously nefarious dealings with me, please see My 'Astral Beings' — Now the scary bit: What I was really dealing with, for a really detailed objective examination of what had really been going on between him and me.
And then, at the end of 2006, while it was appearing that GH was apparently quietly in despair about my situation and had 'written me off' (though many years later I worked out that there was much more to it than that, with a really sinister aspect), a surprise came out of the blue for me.
It so happened that Dalibor Zaviska (henceforth abbreviated to DZ), one particular 'lightworker' in the USA who himself was supposedly free of such garbage interferences, was introduced to my website by a client of his, and he at once saw the true nature of my predicament (albeit still a seriously distorted version of the real situation), which actually I'd been working through remarkably — considering! — but was still very ready for assistance.
Actually this 'lightworker', as it turned out, was quite a problematical and even dangerous individual because of his own garbage and 'entity' interferences, which he intransigently denied that he had. I write about him particularly in My Own Self-Actualization Process or 'Path' — Part 2. He offered me assistance and self-help methods that supposedly would enable me to be speedily clearing myself from all of what he described as external energy interferences (EEIs), which include interference from all (supposed) types of 'entities'.
As I now understand, DZ's 'assistance' was of limited value directly, because his own garbage interference was causing him to use seriously flawed methodology that of course couldn't remove 'entities' from anyone, let alone remove the garbage interference, and indeed which in some ways added to my problems (and would have become a massive problem for me if I'd stuck with his methods or indeed allowed him to get me into hypnotic trance as he was seeking to).
However, the primary positive thing he did bring to me was a whole new momentum and positive view and 'energy' towards true clearance of my 'entity' issue. Fortunately I had the clarity increasingly to see that there were problems about DZ and his methodology and indeed his whole outlook, and so became increasingly open to the real way forward that soon presented itself (in 2007).
— But I've jumped ahead of myself here…
As I'd been half suspecting would be the case, GH told me that in my single-minded enthusiasm to progress on my healing path, I'd been considerably overusing certain of the sacred geometry healing wands I'd obtained from him, and this was what was causing my particular problem. According to him, basically my extensive use of the wands every day on myself had been blasting me with their energies and forcing the pace of my self-healing, so causing the old emotional issues to surface in an unnecessarily intense and traumatic manner — though it would have been still necessary for me to experience them, but at a lower level.
I thus followed GH's advice to put all the wands away and not use them for the time being so that my energy system could supposedly catch up with itself and stabilize. Over a single day the attacks subsided and then I was free of the trouble for nearly a week, and then the arisings were at a manageable level without disruption of my life. — That is, until the next big peak…
So, then I saw another reason why during both my stays at Wonford House I recovered so quickly. Not only was I out of the oppressive solitude of my flat, but I was also away from those wands*.
* Yes, the wands were a serious problem, indeed extremely so. See:
-
Sacred geometry, wands and crystals — A serious warning,
-
My 'astral beings' — Now the scary bit: What I was really dealing with.
But, as I now well understand, the primary problem that was temporarily addressed by my being out of my flat and amongst supportive people was the poor grounding of part of my awareness, which had been making me so vulnerable to the garbage's deceptions and attacks. It was my gaining better grounding of my awareness that was the immediate primary factor in my rapid recoveries when hospitalized.
Getting gradually stronger (with ups and downs)…
Having resumed a careful and much more sparing use of certain of the sacred geometry 'healing' wands, I soon had the anxiety feelings resume*, sometimes with other trauma feelings such as fear, panic and a ghastly feeling that I now understand to be a distorted version of birth trauma — although at a much lesser intensity than when I was attacked with it before — and with my new understandings I was able to keep my prime focus in my peaceful and quietly joyful mindspace so that the old trauma feelings could gradually dissipate and be released from me for good. Or at least, that's how I was interpreting it all at that time.
* Actually, on reading back through my personal journal for that time, and conducting some inner inquiry, I'm fairly sure that despite all the damage already done to my non-physical aspects, and my consequent vulnerability to the garbage, resulting from my previous use of the sacred geometry wands, I'd have continued to have quite a lot less trouble if only I hadn't brought those extremely noxious devices back into use.
That's how I was going to handle all further arisings of the old trauma feelings, I reckoned, so that they could progressively release as I remained the proactively peaceful observer and got on with my life. Before all that long there would be no traumas left to release, and then life for me would be very different. — Well, that was the theory…
In April 2005 I had another crisis come up, of a combination of anxiety, apprehension, fear, panic and terror (a truly delectable mix!), which I had to respond to as an emergency. This time things worked out differently.
I contacted the Crisis Resolution Team (CRT) attached to Wonford House. Most members of this team of wonderful, caring people has, in some respects, much more open minds than appears to be allowed within the main hospital framework, and recognise that many personal crises are not medical issues (Alleluia!). Two lovely people (Alan and Bev) from the team visited me first for a very friendly and supportive chat and brief discussion as to what would be the most helpful option for me.
In fact they were able to arrange just what I thought I'd really needed in place of the previous year's hospitalizations — respite care. Within a couple of hours they had this arranged for me, and they drove me out to the home of a woman in the south-east Devon seaside resort of Sidmouth, who runs her house as a sort of guest house for people in crisis placed with her by the CRT and certain other support services. I was there just three days, and that was, to a point, more than enough for me to be out of that crisis*.
* Actually at the time I was really enthusiastic about this in my determination not to go into hospital again. However, by the time I returned home from that respite care I was already getting attacked again by the garbage, albeit not at crisis level. The problem about that respite care was that I was left on my own quite a lot of the time and so my awareness didn't get as well grounded as would have happened in hospital.
It was certainly very nice to be free to go out for strolls on the sea front and even up onto the nearby clifftops, but as I now understand, to have had some supportive people more or less constantly around me, as I'd have had in the hospital, would have got my awareness better grounded and thus would have served me much better.
Actually, there was one factor that made that particular respite care 'refuge' much less effective than it could have been for me in getting my awareness well grounded — the really nice and well intentioned woman who was my 'host' there. She herself was actually a spiritual healer — which at the time I automatically thought was great, and she even gave me a hands-on healing session.
The only trouble was that of course like almost all 'healers', she herself was being quite a bit led and deceived by the garbage, and her healing method and outlook were all quite ungrounded and astrally oriented — and thus, unawarely, garbage connecting. So, contrary to my superficial impression at that time, she was quite an unsuitable sort of person to take me in with my sort of issue (or indeed pretty well anyone else with so-called 'mental health issues'), for she herself wasn't properly grounded, and so would tend to be an ungrounding rather than grounding influence on me or anyone else!
Also, I unwittingly further compounded my troubles during that spell of respite care, through buying an attractive-looking silver bracelet bearing a sizeable piece of moldavite, which I then wore nearly all the time, believing it was helping me. That would have added further to the ungrounding of my awareness and making me still more vulnerable to the garbage.
After that I experienced a steady trend for the upwellings and peaks of fear-based trauma feelings to become briefer and less intense, and I felt increasingly to be master of my situation, despite the continued intrusions of the garbage, which by then I was recognising as 'astral beings' in my mindspace. However, it was soon to become clear that that was only a temporary lull, and overall I was still on a very rough ride.
It became clear from more recent channelled information, and indeed my own observations, that the interpretation of my situation by GH (who made my sacred geometry wands) had given me only part of the picture of what was going on for me that had resulted in the various ordeals.
Yes, the confusions and all the torments and trickery had been brought about by 'astral beings' (i.e., really illusory manifestations of what I nowadays know as the garbage) after all, and there was no way it could be just anxieties of mine creating thought forms that were masquerading as entities as HJ had been suggesting.
In any case, as already noted, if one believed the latter scenario, then one would be left with the rather obvious unanswered question as to the source of such big quantities of anxiety and other fear-based emotions. I go for explanations that 'add up' in ALL material aspects and don't leave significant aspects of the overall picture still unexplained.
More of the story is told in my page The 'forces of darkness' ('astral beings') — My own tough experiences. As I now understand, the garbage and its 'entity' manifestations are not conscious beings, and its true nature is more akin to a vast autonomous complex of self perpetuating computer malware programming, not in ordinary digital data but in 'thought energy'.
Subsequently, up till early 2007 I progressively gained some degree of self-assurance against the 'astral beings' by turning round on them and light-heartedly 'playing tormentor' to them, and, bit by bit, despite further waves of attack from 'them', I gradually gained more inner strength and stability — but this was a very slow and precarious business, with many 'false dawns'. Indeed, as I later came to realize, my responding to the interferences as though they were from actual conscious beings was actually hindering any possibility of my getting clear of their interference, even though it was boosting my own self confidence somewhat.
All this, of course, underlines my previous criticism of the woefully non-healing outlook of the doctors who dealt with me at that hospital, for there clearly were addressable underlying causes of the dire personal situations that had sent me to the hospital.
And then, with a little assistance from two particular 'healers' (who, of course the doctors would have dismissed as having a 'mild schizotype' personality disorder) I was eventually able to identify enough of those causes to gain a very small degree of benefit (although the really major resolution of the problem didn't begin till 2007) — whereas the doctors were not interested in the possibility of any underlying cause and the possibility of a true resolution of the issue, and simply saw me as requiring suppression of a delusional state by ongoing use of drugs.
Never did it occur to those perversely ill-informed and indeed deluded individuals that people get messages within their minds and have non-standard perceptions for quite specific reasons, and a label of 'hearing voices' or 'having delusions' or 'schizotype personality disorder' or indeed 'schizophrenia' as a supposedly pathological diagnosis would be laughable but for the harm the doctors do with their lack of any clue as to what they're really dealing with and their across-the-board prescription of drugs for individual patients' issues in which they have neither understanding nor genuine interest.
Since when has it made sense to address a person's troublesome neighbours problem by labelling that person as ill and drugging her to dull her awareness of her still-rampant neighbours? Since when has it made sense to label a boy who is being mercilessly bullied at school as psychotic and drug him to reduce his awareness of his being bullied?
Yet that's just what healthcare workers are widely doing to people who have unwanted garbage interferences or supposed non-physical 'entities' causing them trouble.
It's time that proper attention was placed on addressing the issue of the troublesome intruders or intruding influences and empowering the affected people so that they can eventually become strong enough to be immune to such unwanted presences and influences.
One blind alley — mental health support groups
I report this belatedly (in early 2009, with updates) and even now with a little reluctance because I appreciate that it's liable to cause some upset to certain people with whom I had very positive and friendly dealings, but I'm clear that no benefit comes from being politely silent about nice ideas (in principle) that are implemented by really nice people with the best of intentions but simply don't work — at least, in any really worthwhile respect.
In early 2005, while I was feeling quite desperate with all the strong attacks (which at that time, as explained further above, I didn't at all fully understand), I attended weekly meetings of two of the support groups that were part of the Joan of Arc Project (more recently the latter has been renamed to the Bridge Collective). This was in effect a peripheral facility of the mental healthcare services*, reasonably independently run (or co-ordinated / facilitated) by two very nice people with youthful and relatively open-minded outlooks, who were very accepting and empathetic, and who knew that the 'medical model' applied to people by the mental healthcare services was rubbish.
* Actually at that time it was under the wing of the MIND mental health charity, rather than the official mental healthcare system, and has since, as the Bridge Collective, become more independent.
I regularly attended a weekly general 'drop in' group and two of their weekly special topic groups: Hearing Voices, and also You'd better Believe it! (a topic name that really made me wince then and much more so now!) — the latter group intended for people who have unusual beliefs / outlooks. I'd actually felt a bit drawn to the idea of attending the Hearing Voices group when I'd seen a leaflet about those groups during my first hospitalization, but had also felt quite a strong resistance against that sort of involvement.
Theoretically such groups could be great for all who participate, and enable those people to truly get the best out of their lives — but that would be dependent on the groups being run by people with a particularly deep awareness and understanding of the issues involved, and would require a quite strictly enforced structuring of the sessions in order to get the participants really making something positive of their personal situations and not just getting reinforced in their limiting patterns and confusions.
In the event, that was exactly how the groups that I attended were not. They were really nothing more than laissez-faire socializing groups, in which people shared their confusions — their limiting patterns and distorted notions all being accepted without question. Conversations and discussion to a very considerable degree revolved around what medications one was taking, and one's experiences with psychiatric consultants and community psychiatric nurses (psychiatric social workers or care co-ordinators). Where was the healing and turning around of one's life in that?!!
Accepting the person is one thing, but to accept the person's problems and confusions as a 'given' is quite another. The only thing that, on the surface, wasn't being accepted in those groups was the medical / psychiatric diagnoses that had been dished out to most if not all the participants. But even there, I observed a general bland acceptance of many of the participants actually 'living out' their psychiatric labels. Yes, they intellectually thought the labels were shit, but in effect were still 'proudly' wearing those very labels in all but name, because nobody had been pointing them to any sort of true healing / self-actualization direction.
There was no understanding of the real healing needs of people. It was all really about making do with the situation that one had — one heard a lot about 'coping strategies' and sometimes 'recovery'*, but not about bringing about a real turnaround in one's life. The terms 'healing' and 'self-realization'** were used only by me, at least in the sessions that I attended, and no more than a handful of people there were even in the slightest interested in my own angle on powerful and broad-based healing and life improvement / self-actualization as being the real way forward, and of those I think no more than two actually visited my Self-Realization website to find out more, and even then that response appeared to be more out of curiosity than any real intent to embrace change in their lives.
* You might think that 'recovery' represents real healing, but that's the error of the whole medical approach, which ignores the fact that people are generally highly dysfunctional to start with — even those who are regarded as 'well' and 'doing fine' in their lives. Recovery simply means, at the very best, returning to some semblance of how the person was before the particular disruption came into the person's life — so it's not at all a matter of clearing out the underlying cause of the current problem so that the person can actually become better than they were before. THAT is what real healing is about.
** I hadn't come up with the term 'self-actualization' then as a more accessible and less ambiguous alternative to 'self-realization'.
So, all these people were meeting together to help make their lamentable and unhappy personal situations seem a little more bearable or indeed completely acceptable — NOT to transform their personal situations into tremendous, happy, vibrant, creative and abundant ones! No wonder that I felt really out of place there, and was going there at all only out of desperation in the face of continual severe attacks from the garbage, so that I could get the grounding effect of a little brief human company away from the isolation of my flat!
And no wonder that presently I found that an antipathy and even hostility towards me was steadily gathering among a fair proportion of the participants. This finally came into the open on an occasion (in mid April that year) when I challenged the way that a particular participant was being allowed to have an over-dominant role, which was particularly problematical because of her flaunting her Christian beliefs there, actually making it an unsafe and unsupportive place for many people, particularly those in a vulnerable emotional state.
By that time I'd already been thinking it was about time for me to stop attending those groups,
and the negative attitudes towards me of a good proportion of the participants, which were
expressed then, made it a 'no-brainer' to have nothing further to do with such groups. Basically,
at least half the participants saw me as a self-absorbed alien, an intruder, because I wasn't
accepting their limited, inward-looking ways, and indeed wasn't attending for the purpose of
socialization, and because I'd spoken out supposedly against
one of their clique.
So, on the basis of my own experience, I'd say that such 'support' groups actually support very little truly worthwhile at all, because they're supporting people's remaining more or less where they're already at, and aren't supporting in any material way what they really need to be doing to turn their lives around — despite the great and kind-hearted intentions of the group co-ordinators. Thus what is genuinely intended to be real support consistently becomes just a blind alley for the people who call upon it. I myself got out of that blind alley and left those groups behind.
Update, 2019 — Aren't my views about support groups like the Bridge Collective a bit over-the-top?
Far from it! In early 2019 I had a batch of double-sided quality flyers printed, advertising this site, with one side putting particular focus on the Crisis emergency self-help — Life upturn the SMART way page, and generally aimed to get the attention of people who were having 'troubles' and who could resolve those remarkably effectively using the insights and methods presented on this site. Naturally, I visited the Bridge Collective with a small bunch of the flyers in a clear plastic display stand. It was an uncomfortable experience because clearly no-one was really interested. I was given a strong impression that they were accepting them at all only because they knew me and thought they'd better keep me quiet by accepting them.
A little uncharitable of me to get that impression? — F*ck, not a bit of it! When I went back there a month later with more flyers, to top-up the display, the service user who appeared to have some organising function there, delegated from the official organisers, sounded and looked quite embarrassed, as though she'd forgotten all about those flyers, and making out to look around for them among the bits and pieces strewn around.
Then, decidedly embarrassed, she admitted that the display stand now being used for something else was my one, and my flyers must have been thrown out during one of their periodic tidy-ups. I gave her a far-too-gentle telling-off about that, and she agreed to take some more flyers but recommended that I leave only a few, so that fewer would get thrown away in the next tidy-up!!! Oh geez, how bone-headed and moronic can one get?!!
A few weeks later I looked in again. This time a lot of stuff, including my flyers, still in their display stand, had been moved into a side room because the Collective's AGM was in progress, but AB the official organiser who I periodically encounter, sounded most uninterested in the flyers, recommending that I take the display stand back because they don't really have room for it, but I could still leave the flyers, which they could fit in somewhere (no mention of actually displaying them!).
Well, it hardly requires a PhD to realize that if the flyers are being kept without display stand (and so potentially using more 'footprint' space than the stand), what was going to happen was that they would just get buried under other stuff and so definitely not be seen, even by any people who really could even save their lives through getting one of those flyers and following that up on this site!
So, a few weeks later again I looked in, with more flyers just in case. Again, an awkward embarrassed atmosphere. No-one knew whether any of the flyers were still there — but I did locate them. They weren't exactly buried under other stuff, but they were paper-clipped together in a box with a variety of other bits and pieces, and, 'presented' like that, didn't look at all as though they were flyers that people were meant to take out and read and — perish the thought! — actually follow up.
I did add a few flyers, but I have doubts whether I'll bother to leave any more, because if they're so uninterested that they just throw the flyers out or tuck them out of people's way, it's a waste of time and resources my either putting more flyers there or indeed having any further dealings with the Collective.
All that of course underlines my original impression, that the Collective and any other such 'mental health support groups' are not just a waste of time, but are seriously harmful, just as is mainstream 'mental health', because they are simply 'supporting' people in continuing to live degraded and distorted lives without any concept of genuine healing and life turnaround (i.e., self-actualization).
To them, such notions are alien and anathema. They are dead set against anything that would lead to genuine solutions to their biggest and most harmful issues. The Bridge Collective organisers have failed miserably to live up to the truly beneficial potential of their job (i.e., that of pointing people to those real solutions). Sad but true.
How come that this enlightened person has major emotional issues in the first place?
This ties up with the unusual circumstances of my own crossing the enlightenment threshold, as recounted in 'Spiritual' enlightenment — Personal experience, clarifications, tips. In the vast majority of cases so far, people crossing that threshold have first used ongoing meditation to clear their mindspace of most active thought processes and achieve great inner quietude.
To what extent, however, such people have cleared themselves of emotional issues rather than just put the lid on them is more than just a moot point, because ongoing meditation, although it does help dissolve various minor issues, actually progressively hides major issues, so they're then never worked upon and cleared. The mental state achieved in this way may seem to be peaceful, but it's a considerably distorted and unbalanced version of a genuine self-actualized state, which latter is the really healthy state that we all need to be working towards.
In contrast, I'd never formally meditated prior to my crossing the threshold of enlightenment, and my mind was an excited tumult at the time of that event. So, unlike people who take the insidiously, extremely harmful meditation route, I hadn't been putting the lid on issues that I was carrying*, and thus had a much more balanced awareness than those people, and was actually thus still able to progressively clear those issues, whereas the people who've taken the meditation route still have various emotional issues but are simply unaware of them and thus they never clear them.
* As I now understand, the masses of emotional trauma that I was carrying (and which the garbage was able to use in its attacks on me) were apparently not my own! Some of that would have belonged to the parasitic lost souls attached to me, while the major part would have been in the primary archetypes to which I was connected.
Almost everyone's view of what enlightened people are like comes from those enlightened people who've taken the meditation route and so, at least from the perspective of my own working model of our own true nature, are actually seriously unbalanced and still carrying hidden issues without their having any idea that the self-actualized state could be any different from what they're experiencing. On the other hand I myself have been quite widely seen as either something of a charlatan (just pretending to be enlightened) or as having something fundamentally wrong about me and my enlightened state because of my carrying emotional issues that were not hidden.
By the look of things, the reality was that it was my own state of enlightenment and self-actualization that was by far the healthier and more balanced, and indeed the better model for other people to use in order to gain an understanding of enlightenment and self-realization / self-actualization and their possible relevance to them. It was just that I'd been targeted by the garbage more or less at the beginning of my life, and apparently (at least in terms of my particular working model of what was really going on) given an exceptional load of traumatized parasitic lost souls attached to me, plus some very open and 'live' connections to what you could call the cesspit of all human experience — the primary archetypes.
There's a big message of hope here for a fair number of people, in that (at least for no-soul people) it's evidently possible to become enlightened without having to clear all emotional traumas or issues first. Enlightenment then makes the emotional clearance process much easier and more efficient.
A more effective method for emotional clearance — the EFT
Briefly in 2005, and again a bit less briefly in 2006, I tried using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). I could see that this method had real potential for clearing particular emotional issues, and so much wanted it to succeed, so that the 'astral beings' would no longer be able to attack me, at least with any sort of disruptive strength. It involves concentrating on a particular 'setup statement' that you've just set up, which focuses you on a particular emotional issue you want to address, while going through a sequence of tapping on various parts of your body — on specific points on purported meridians.
It did seem to me that the technique was working for me, except that the attacks were continuing unabated, and as soon as the next method, The Work, came to my attention (see below) I dropped using the EFT in favour of it. It seemed in any case that The Work worked at a more fundamental level and so would be more efficient.
I was always a bit uneasy about the EFT in any case because I was never confident that the basis of the EFT tapping points was genuine, for meridians and acupuncture and acupressure points never rang true for me. That was clearly a bit of real good sense coming through to my conscious 'mind' from my deepest aspects despite all the garbage's ongoing attempts to get me embroiled in all that harmful illusory stuff!
Indeed, in 2018 I finally took it on myself to come out with a new version of the EFT, which I call Clarity-EFT, whose tapping system is rationally rather than belief-based, and which integrates properly into my own current rationally-based methodology.
A great step forward, and three-quarters of a step back — The Work
In early 2006 a friend introduced me to The Work — a process of simple but very powerful inner inquiry for self-actualization and sorting out your life, developed by Byron Katie. This proved to be a much more direct and efficient means of clearance of emotional issues than any other I'd yet encountered, and for the most part I used it daily for the rest of that year. Initially the garbage attacked in ways to try and stop me using it, but it simply demonstrated to me that I must be doing something importantly 'right' for me, which was bound to be weakening the power of the garbage over me.
The Work is so simple and easy to use that it could be used not only to sort out ordinary people's lives and assist them towards enlightenment, but also could be an important healing and counselling tool throughout the whole of the mental healthcare services.
However, in the summer of 2006 I started getting more severe interferences and attacks from the garbage again, and indeed at times the latter even exploited my use of The Work to compound the developing crisis situation — of which more further below. As I shall show, eventually I found self-healing and emotional clearance methods that, for me, left even The Work out in the cold and effectively redundant, despite its many very strong points.
However, despite my having personally moved on from formal use of The Work, I still strongly recommend that method, to be used in an ongoing fashion for a month or two for people who are starting to use my current methodology, because The Work does more than directly enable various clearances to occur. It also trains the user to look at all situations and thoughts of theirs much more objectively, in a way that then makes my own methods more effective for them.
— And I still (in 2023) recognise it as an excellent method for mental health workers to get using on themselves and then guiding clients / 'patients' through using that inner inquiry procedure to clear various of their own issues.
That way, for a certain proportion of 'patients' they could dispense with all the harmful medication and ECT and instead get them starting to take proper command over their situations — even if the particular mental health workers still don't have quite enough common sense or courage to go further and take my own methodology on board and get some of their clients onto that and so making really spectacular life turnarounds.
…And another, eventually more significant, glimmer of light…
Another important step forward — indeed marking a very small beginning of the methodology that really took off for me from mid 2007 onwards — was my purchasing an Energy Egg in July 2006 — albeit with considerable and, as it was to turn out, decidedly well-founded, initial scepticism about that diminutive object and the claims being made for it by its purveyors.
That marked the beginning of a more meaningful retrospective healing process that was at last just beginning to heal the major damage done to my non-physical aspects by the sacred geometry wands and also the large collection of crystals in my flat. However, at that stage, compared with what was to come, it was a very slow process, and there was no instant freedom from 'astral beings' (i.e., garbage) troubles.
…And now a Hospitalization 3 after all — and my head stayed firmly on!
A plethora of educational astral realm and hell experiences — observing the inner workings of much of what people call 'schizophrenia'
Convoluted build-up of a new crisis
During the summer of 2006 I was quite intensively using The Work, and actually arranged with the Joan of Arc Project for me to give an introductory workshop on The Work at their premises on Tuesday 12th September. I went to a great deal of trouble to advertise the workshop widely in the mental healthcare services, some GP surgeries, etc, and in particular a detailed announcement about it, together with an article about The Work, which I put in the Joan of Arc Project Newsletter, which was sent out to over 600 service users and mental healthcare professionals. Surely I'd be swamped by people wanting to take this up, and would have to arrange overflow workshops!
Yet by the beginning of September I had only six people booked on the workshop. It appeared that almost none of the people for whom something like The Work would be such a pressing need were actually interested in trying such a powerful and direct emotional healing method, they being so addicted to the absolutely useless and indeed tremendously harmful 'medical model' and indeed psychiatry in all its grotesqueness, even if they dismissed it intellectually.
During late August, increasingly the garbage, posing as my 'higher consciousness', interfered with my daily The Work sessions, getting more pushy and giving me a lot of story about a Cosmos-wide healing scenario that I was allegedly involved in, and, supposedly, I was meant right there and then to be using The Work to heal existential terror, not only of my own but of the purported 'Creator Consciousness' itself. More and more attacks were coming in again, increasingly strongly — once more being claimed to be part of the healing process that was, purportedly, essential for me at that point.
My The Work inquiry sessions thus rapidly developed a nightmarish quality, in which the garbage was giving me an ever-growing list of troublesome thoughts and supposed beliefs* that I had to put to inquiry there and then, working on it into the night, and all with an increasing pressure of urgency, while being subjected to the various attacks.
* For the most part these were not really things that I'd fundamentally been needing to put to inquiry, but rather, they were being covertly fed into my mindspace by the garbage specifically so that it could then claim that I urgently needed to clear those by doing inquiry on them. A great recipe for getting screwed up fast!
On this basis I couldn't recommend The Work to anyone who was getting obvious interferences and attacks from the garbage, because sessions with The Work could thus be transformed into a tool that the garbage could use to propel the person into a major attack crisis event and very possibly suicide.
During early September 2006 this led into another crisis. However, things were very different this time from the previous crises. Indeed, at least, in relation to the rest of my own life experience, it was unique — indeed, from my own perspective, spectacularly so!
During the first week of September 2006 I was starting to get what seemed to be some useful channelled information from what I took to be my own higher consciousness*, though still with interference, and I gained the understanding that I'd already cleared out all my own emotional issues.
* The communications were actually from the garbage of course, still seeking to cause me very major problems, so that what I was taking to be 'useful' information was useful only to the garbage's agenda to cause me extremely serious problems. It was using the odd bits of true information (such as my very likely having no significant remaining emotional issues that were genuinely my own) to lure me into a highly problematical fictional scenario that would have caused me untold trouble far beyond this lifetime if I'd really taken it on board and held onto a belief in it.
As remarked elsewhere, as far as I can tell, the very concept of a partially separated-off' higher consciousness' that one can channel from as though it were some sort of 'higher being' is an extremely harmful fiction given to us by the garbage and widely believed among 'healers', psychics and people associated with the 'New Age' movement.
As I understand it, the point of this was to divert people away from tuning into their own deepest aspects for deeper knowledge, so that they would actually be getting 'information' from the garbage posing as one's 'higher consciousness'. And that was exactly what was happening for me.
Purportedly, the continuing attacks I was getting from the 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage) were actually using trauma energy from a number of people with whom my own higher consciousness had made special healing connections ('energy cords')* — specific people who had particularly strong past life connections with me. Thus, supposedly, through receiving those attacks I was powerfully clearing those people's own emotional traumas.
* In early 2007 the 'lightworker' DZ 'confirmed' the existence of those 'energy cords', but of course he and I were unaware then that he was being given misinformation to reinforce my own misinformation.
So, my understandings in the following paragraphs, although containing part of the truth about my situation, were still quite replete with misinformation too.
So, I 'understood' that THAT was why my self-healing task in this whole lifetime of mine, including all the earlier attacks from the 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage), had been so massive, and why I was still having so much emotional material to heal even after my crossing the enlightenment threshold. No wonder it had been such a taxing task and other people had been wondering how it could be that I apparently needed to make such a big task of my own self-healing!
Anyway, in early September 2006, what I'd been led to think was a utilization of 'astral beings' around me by supposedly higher powers*, supposedly for the purpose of bringing about important and major healing for others through 'attacking' me, culminated in a very strange, long and completely unplanned hike on Saturday 9th September.
* That description of what was going on was rubbish, of course! It was all part of the ongoing deceptions from the garbage. This whole scenario was being run and executed simply by the garbage, for its own seriously harmful purposes only.
By the end of that hike I noticed that my badly worn neck vertebrae seemed to have got distinctly worse, with more scrunching of shredded cartilage and rubbing of smooth bone against smooth bone than ever, and these ominous signs seemed to be a bit worse still the following day. My 'guidance' was then telling me that indeed the vertebrae were rapidly disintegrating, and even within that day my neck would break as it failed any longer to hold up the weight of my head, and I'd die in a gruesome and excruciating manner.
An elaborate and quite gruesome scenario was put to me to explain why this was all supposedly meant (by the supposed 'Creator Consciousness' itself) to happen, and it even included the notion that the whole Universe was on the point of starting to implode and we were all imminently going to enter into a succession of hells until, aeons hence, an expansion phase started again. There was a fascinatingly weird and crazy (and indeed notionally extremely intimidating) further convolution in that story, which I shan't go into here because I must draw the line somewhere in order to get on with the main points!
I had a sleepless night and was being attacked again, in ways that made it seem that my body really was in a process of disintegrating and dying — and of course I was given an elaborate fictional reason for this and why I was supposedly going to fall, upon my imminent spectacular death, into a succession of every hell and night terror that anyone had dreamed up*. Another sleepless night followed, with the threat seemingly increasing; I was getting a bit afraid to get up off my bed in case something horrible happened to my neck. Also this was resulting in me getting skimpy about getting meals for myself…
* Just why did I give such ideas any credence at all, when I'd had very similar misinformation from false 'guidance' before and basically knew that all such tales were fiction from 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage)?
The answer is actually not that I was stupid, nor psychotic in any useful sense, but that if you have the garbage giving you false information and fictitious scenarios, when a particular part of your awareness is poorly grounded you have difficulty in distinguishing between true and false information, and become a sucker for the garbage.
The times when I came unstuck in that way were all occasions when my awareness was more poorly grounded than usual and the garbage was then able to exploit the situation and play havoc with me as I let it walk over me in a way that could never happen when my awareness was properly grounded.
The issue of grounding is a particularly major one for me, as is the case for many other people who are very open and deeply self-aware, and also, for so much of my life I'd been lacking one key powerful grounding factor — human companionship.
So, unsurprisingly, having no suitable friends for me to turn to for support, to strong protests from my 'guidance' (yes, to that extent I'd now started openly rebelling and already beginning to regain command of my situation!), on Monday 11th September I phoned the Crisis Resolution Team, who were really great with me and responded quickly and appropriately with a visit*. They didn't have respite care available for me that time, but at least got me admitted at once, at my request, to psychiatric hospital, which would have to suffice as my respite care.
Actually, as already intimated, I subsequently came to realize that non-hospital respite care would have been less helpful for me because I'd most likely have had less people around me to ground my awareness — and so the hospital was, rather bizarrely, my best option in the circumstances. This was particularly the case in the light of the likelihood that the doctors and nurses, already knowing me a bit, would understand that, albeit by some means quite mysterious to them, I'd most likely make a speedy 'recovery' without any real need for medical intervention.
* Yes, and the Crisis Team people Alan and Bev, who arrived to witness my head not falling off as I opened my door to them and burst into a flood of tears of relief, were not only tremendous examples of the good, caring side of their profession, but they themselves found it to be a really powerful and moving experience, as indeed it was for me.
They struck up (and of course I was reciprocating) an immediate strong rapport, and I felt powerfully touched and inspired by their own amazed inspiration at the way I was spontaneously taking command of my dire situation and clearly knew what my needs were at that time, so was able to help them to help me, despite the seemingly dreadful situation I'd fallen into on that occasion.
They told me they were not at all used to people in crisis who they attend operating in that sort of mindset. The almost universal norm was for the 'patient' to be expecting them to somehow 'help' or indeed 'save' them, without making things easy for any of the professionals, who therefore had to just follow the seriously deficient procedures they'd been trained in. Hence my finding later that the Crisis Team seemed to have quite a poor reputation among many 'service users'.
No doubt at all, that poor reputation was in considerable measure the 'fault' of the service users themselves through unreasonably expecting those care professionals to take over their own self-responsibility and know what their needs really were — an impossible requirement!
Even in early 2018 particular circumstances caused me a macro-attack, against which my methods were ineffective for nearly three months, and I had cause once again to contact the Crisis Team a number of times for chats to help ground my awareness. Both Alan and Bev on different occasions spoke glowingly of their clear memories of that September 2006 occasion and indeed the first one when they'd come to me (April 2005), and how inspiring those experiences had been for them.
Let that be a little cautionary advice to anyone who may have dealings with mental healthcare workers. What you put in (if anything) is bound to have a strong bearing on what you get out of the professionals and indeed the service overall. Help them to help you, and be genuinely nice to them, and you'll get a much better experience and outcome. — Stands to reason!
In hospital again — complete with astral replica!
This time, however, it wasn't to gloomy Wonford House but to the neighbouring Cedars hospital, and the experience was tremendously different from my previous hospitalizations. The Cedars struck me as a really nice building, with what I felt as a warm and friendly energy both outside and within (at least, as compared with Wonford House!). The nurses were wonderful and really made me feel that I had caring and supportive friends around me. I had the same psychiatric consultant as before, but it felt quite a bit different with him this time.
My 'energy' no longer had its previous somewhat defensive and combative elements — after all, I was much more sure of my ground then, even though my understandings were still only partly 'there', and I felt at ease with the consultant (AB again). At least on the surface he showed a surprising degree of respect for me and my self-command, even while agreeing to disagree on the principle and practical details of using medication.
Of course he was still constrained by his own limited outlook, but at least he seemed this time to be a more caring individual than previously — more like a friend — who wanted the very best for me, even though he really had no idea what that 'best' would be.
While requiring me to take some medication while I was there (after all, that was a requirement embedded in the whole psychiatric hospital mindset)*, he accepted with apparent good grace that I had a different viewpoint and was taking my daily Risperidone** at the hospital only as a sop to the system and would drop it the moment I was discharged (which indeed I did), and he didn't seem to be unduly troubled by that.
* There it is again! We do have to require you to take something
, he said!!!
Absolutely, bafflingly insane! — In the National Health service outside the so-called 'mental health' arena, there's no such stipulation, that every patient has to take 'something' (i.e., medication), regardless of what their situation or condition may be, and of whether medication was actually needed at all — and so it effing-well should be!
How incredibly dysfunctional and irrational of the very workers responsible for supposedly assisting people with supposed 'mental health' issues! — What a sure sign that they simply haven't a clue on the very subject on which they're employed to be, and are posing as, experts!
** Risperidone is an antipsychotic, which the consultant prescribed for me after the initial strong drugging with the widely used antipsychotic Haloperidol. The 5 mg Haloperidol tablets had caused me very troublesome and persistent drowsiness (and hadn't stopped the ordeals during my first day or so, so its use was clearly absolutely pointless), and the consultant told me that urine retention was a known side effect of that drug; hence his then prescribing the alternative, which in the small (0.5 mg) dose used, seemed to have no obvious effect on me, good or bad (which was fine by me — my taking it being a sort of placebo for the doctors!).
No doubt the consultant was more flexible and accommodating towards me this time because he was presumably aware that considerable positive changes had occurred in me, and that since my previous hospital admissions I hadn't been going to rack and ruin through lack of his medical-model-based 'assistance'.
Actually, in far retrospect (2021) I'd like to give the consultant more direct credit about that situation. As remarked even in my account of my first hospitalization, it appeared to me that he was in considerable conflict about how best to deal with me.
His whole manner and bearing this time left me pretty sure that if he hadn't felt so constrained by the supremely crass institutional requirements that patients must receive some treatment (regardless of whether any available treatments were appropriate!!!), he'd have very happily not required me to take any medication at all — and also could have enjoyed his job a great deal more in the process!
The crisis ran its course over my first two days / nights at the hospital*, with me having amazing inner experiences in astral realms**, including my spending some very long periods (seemingly multiple nights within one night) going through some hilariously confused fictional but real-seeming scenarios including being 'guided' through some supposedly benign Satanistic practices, all in an extremely realistic astral replica of the hospital and its staff and patients, complete with fire engines arriving and police repeatedly searching for me (which never happened in the 'real', physical world), and also my being shown a selection of clips from various people's night terror and 'hell' experiences, allegedly including some from people in previous universes.
* Of course this meant that the garbage had got me neatly out of the way so that the long-awaited The Work workshop wasn't able to happen, for on Tuesday 12th September I was only still in the throes of coming out of the weird experiences of the crisis event and was in no state to run any workshop. We can speculate till the cows come home on a blue moon in a month of Sundays, about to what extent it was 'just coincidence' that the crisis was so well timed to prevent that workshop from happening.
Because of the huge amount of work for me to publicize that workshop, and the minimal response I'd had, I didn't attempt to arrange a similar workshop again. Indeed, all the signs since have been that nowhere in the mental healthcare service, nor in any of its peripheral services, organisations or support groups, is there any significant interest in real healing — as I've already remarked about the Joan of Arc Project (now the Bridge Collective).
At best, people want to be 'cured' or to 'recover', but don't want the major positive change that would come about from real, comprehensive healing (i.e., self-actualization process), nor in gaining any proper understanding of so-called mental illness and personality disorder. That whole arena is one of people colluding with each other in maintaining their confusions and complete denial of any underlying cause of people's problems — and thus really a very major denial of their own humanity.
** I recount some examples of my astral realm experiences in this hospitalization, in Beliefs and illusory realities — Their role in human irrationality.
Because I had so much more clarity of mind by this stage well on in 2006, I can actually say that in an important sense I ENJOYED* those experiences, even though they were taxing and were nothing I'd ever have chosen to go through. They were so awesome in their horrible disturbing ways, and in a way I felt privileged to have been given the opportunity to be proactively peaceful and loving observer of such things** — bearing in mind that it was only for a short period and I knew from my depths that it was only a show and I was fundamentally sound and no harm would really come to me.
* Shock horror — This guy ENJOYED such horrible, disgusting and
evil things?
, I hear somebody whispering…
Well, no, I didn't in quite the way that people usually mean by that word 'enjoy', for I was experiencing these things as an enlightened person. In true enlightened living you get an underlying enjoyment and sense of wonder through ALL life experience, never mind whether parts of it would be described by non-enlightened people as bad, terrible, evil, terrifying or unspeakably frightful.
** The grey panel — Observing in detail the inner workings of so-called 'schizophrenia' — a little further below makes full sense of that.
At one point during those highly interesting and demanding experiences I became aware of what seemed to be massive healing energy coming in from what I took to be higher beings, and my neck speedily became restored to its condition prior to the big hike.
Indeed, allegedly it had been starting to heal much more than that, but because this was purportedly an exceptional type of healing that used an energy template of my spine in a relatively unworn state, for the healing to work properly I'd have needed to be lying motionless for an hour or two for the healing to fully consolidate or 'take'*, and so as I moved about I inadvertently broke up most of the energy matrix that could have almost fully repaired my spine. The net result was my spine still being in poor condition, but at least no worse than immediately before the big hike. At least, no ghoulish head-falling-off scenario after all!
* I'm quite sure that really the physical 'healing' then was altogether fake. I've come to realize that the garbage could simulate my neck getting a lot worse by causing certain neck muscles to be in excess tension, which in turn would cause more than normal clicks and scrunching and rubbing of bone on bone, to try and frighten me. My neck returns to its previous (still poor) state when the garbage reduces that tampering with those muscles. So, the neck getting worse and then being given healing was actually easy to simulate.
The presence of supportive people around me in the hospital was massively restoring my grounding and so my 'balance' was rapidly restoring — so after the first two days at the hospital I was already out of the obvious astral realm experiences and was buoyant, relaxed and feeling an increasing buoyant 'okayness', just biding my time till I was let out.
As in my previous hospitalizations I had little to do during my days there, and spent a good deal of time in leisurely strolling up and down the corridors. However, this time my mind was much more happily and positively engaged, for increasingly I found that I was able to get what I took to be valuable new information from my higher consciousness, managing to bypass the interference from the 'entities'*. So, my happy and radiant peaceful walking 'meditations' were constructively used in periodically gaining what I thought was new information and insights about myself and the Cosmos, which, I still very gullibly assumed, would subsequently be the basis of new and challenging material on this website.
* As I now understand, I was still being 'pixie-led' by the garbage in all that channelling, even though less obviously so. As long as I was channelling rather than rigorously using Helpfulness Testing, I was bound to be picking up all sorts of troublesomely distorted and misleading 'information'.
As from April 2007, I let go of ALL channelled information, then understanding that channelled information from anyone — no matter what their reputation as a channel — is unreliable and intrinsically problematical for us. It was in May 2007 that I finally took up what I was to adapt and develop into Helpfulness Testing. For more about all this please see Channelling and clairvoyance problems — The safe alternative.
Nurses getting an undeserved bad name…
Periodically during my stay this time, there were disturbances where a group of the nurses would rush from the ward office to restrain one particular 'patient' and whisk her off to the 'Extra Care Area' (i.e., seclusion area). I could see how such events could get the nurses a very bad name through their being perceived to be wielding crude power over somebody who was failing to conform and be a 'good little girl'. And indeed the woman concerned was frequently, amid her floods of tears, going on and on about how oppressive the nurses and their whole system were, and how unnecessarily heavy-handed they were being towards her.
Yet, although I felt sorry for that woman, my prime sympathies were with the nurses, for that woman was giving them a difficult and stressful time by repeatedly making disturbances that clearly looked to the nurses (and indeed to me) as though something really untoward could happen, and in any case those disturbances were disruptive for the peace of mind of everyone, including all the other 'patients', so clearly something did need to be done about the disturbances she was creating. It's such a pity that nurses were having to double as a sort of petty police, but unfortunately that was the task they had to fulfil, to the best of their ability.
I've no idea whether there would have been a better way for the nurses to handle those particular disturbances, without forcefully restraining that woman. However, I was really wishing that the latter had been in a sufficiently receptive state of mind that I could gently point out to her how much really nice and genuinely friendly response I myself had been getting from those very same nurses.
I'd achieved that simply by thinking of them as people like myself, with their own needs and vulnerabilities, doing a difficult and stressful job, and always considering how I could actually be some sort of friend to each one, making his / her job that bit less stressful and indeed more enjoyable each day while I was there. That included such matters as being responsible and considerate about how one expresses one's troublesome feelings in such a communal environment.
Indeed, my always following that sort of approach towards the hospital staff was a major part of my own self-recovery process, because it was so grounding for me. Thus, first and foremost, I was doing it for MY benefit! You see, I was being a really practical old sod! There's nothing quite like being friendly and considerate to the nurses for one to gain consistently friendly and considerate responses from them! Stands to reason!
So, when we hear of heavy-handed behaviour from nurses it's well worth bearing in mind that, much more often than not, the nurses aren't at all meaning to be unnecessarily forceful in dealing with a disturbance, and are simply doing the very best they know how in order to keep the psychiatric unit a reasonably peaceful and unstressful place for all its occupants.
Unfortunately many psychiatric patients are at least to some extent lacking in a proper sense of their own personal responsibility, and it's inevitable that if they behave in disruptive ways they will be dealt with in some sort of forceful manner if they fail to desist when asked to do so. — And naturally, because of that lack of their own personal responsibility, they turn round and blame the nurses, or indeed anyone but themselves!
Of course, where force is used without there being a disturbance or some sort of real threat from a patient, that would suggest genuine malpractice, and I've no doubt that that does occur in some psychiatric units — and I've certainly heard of many cases of psychiatric patients far too readily being forcibly given injections — 'chemical coshes' — to sedate them.
Anyway, my own observations in all my hospitalizations failed to show up any 'horror stories' of seriously bad nurse behaviour, and, overall, showed them up pretty consistently in a positive light — bearing in mind that they were constrained by the crassness of the whole psychiatric Establishment, and didn't have the full level of personal awareness of, say, a real enlightened person.
My carving knife — the great button pusher…
One detail that tickled me was concerning a certain rather nice carving knife of mine, which I hardly ever use. It's normally kept with my other utensils in a kitchen drawer. On the day I'd called the Crisis Team when my crisis was still developing, as a matter of great prudence (mindful of the suicide pressures upon me immediately prior to my previous hospitalizations) I made sure that when the visiting party came to my abode I had that knife out on my dining table to remind me to hand it to those people and ask them to temporarily keep it in safe custody.
That was really just in case I didn't go to respite care or hospital at once and got further insane pressures on me from the crazy inner 'guidance' (i.e., really the garbage) while I was still at home. I took that measure precisely because I was determined that I was not going to allow any attempt at suicide to occur if the pressure became in some way too much.
At the hospital subsequently, in interviews with the consultant and doctor, and with certain nurses, I was repeatedly asked pointed (sic) questions about that knife. It seemed that upon my admittance to the hospital the Crisis Team people had mentioned that I'd had that knife on the table when they arrived — apparently not realizing that I'd put it there only to remind me to hand it to them, even though I'd explained that very point (sic) to them.
So, various staff at the hospital were quite concerned about my supposed suicidal tendencies
because I'd had that knife on the table. You have only to think of the simple statement, When we
arrived at his home he had this big sharp knife on his table!
to realize what buttons it would
have pushed, implying at once that I'd been right then at the point (sic) of attempting a
pretty juicy suicide.
I guess the Crisis Team people aren't used to dealing with people who are clear-minded enough to take such a precaution as I did on that occasion to ensure that they do NOT get driven to commit suicide! So my precaution presumably got a bit misinterpreted by my Crisis Team visitors, despite my actually very clear explanation to them about the knife, and then, as in the party game of 'Chinese Whispers', the picture got further distorted in the retelling of the story.
Anyway, I do honestly think I managed to convince all involved people eventually of the real situation. This does, however give me cause to consider what entertaining things I might put on my dining table for a similar situation in the future, should another such crisis arise, just so I could amuse myself by seeing what questions came home to roost at the hospital then!
The hospital's ambivalent attitude to self-harm
The above observation regarding my carving knife raises a serious point (sic). Psychiatric / 'mental health' workers generally are supposed to be quite hotly on the lookout for signs of a patient / client doing any sort of self harm or having any inclination to do so. Yet well-nigh universally they allow one pervasive and serious type of self-harm and accommodate it in these psychiatric establishments.
Yes, I'm referring to SMOKING. Okay, generally that doesn't have the dramatic potential of a juicy near-instant suicide that, say, a few well placed slashes with a nicely sharpened carving knife might have, but it's self-harm nonetheless and is in the process of causing major long-term health problems for every smoker, and in most cases a distinctly earlier death than one would have without smoking — not to mention all the health impact of smoking upon other people who get the second-hand smoke.
Not only that, but, perhaps even more bizarre, smoking is quite a major part of the problem that most patients come in with. Virtually universally people use smoking as a sort of emotional 'crutch' to reduce their awareness and motivation for really positive life change, and so naturally if the person is to clear a supposed 'mental health' problem, just about the first thing that (s)he needs to do is to QUIT SMOKING (Like it or lump it!).
Yet, as far as I could make out, nothing at all was being done to address that issue in any patients at all. Even in the main medical hospital just across the way smoking was completely banned, but in these psychiatric units smoking was allowed, although restricted to just one designated room. So, in other words, the smoking restriction was more just to avoid forcing non-smokers to be harmed by the smokers than it was about any serious attempt to get people off smoking.
Okay, it might be considered that it would be too much of an intrusion upon patients to try to get them to stop smoking, because they claim to 'enjoy' it or 'need' it — but then, if that were really the case, one has to ask why patients are required and even forced to take medication, while their self-harm and perpetuation of their problem with their smoking is being accommodated and to a certain extent actively colluded with! This simply doesn't make sense, and is just one more thing that demonstrates how the whole psychiatric / 'mental health' approach to patients' problems hasn't been thought out at all in any really intelligent way.
A sign of their trust in me!
Just before this particular crisis event had come to fruition, I'd ordered a second Energy Egg*, and knew that it would almost certainly be delivered to my flat on the day of my admittance to the hospital, or the following day. I was very concerned to get that Energy Egg into use as quickly as possible to assist me in becoming stronger against the 'entity' attacks and interference (i.e., pragmatically accepting a working assumption that the Energy Egg really was working for me in the manner that its producers were claiming that it would).
* I remind that this was well before I'd developed the much superior Clarity-Sphere, which in turn I declared redundant in 2018, so this isn't meant to be seen as a recommendation of an Energy Egg nowadays.
Also, if I remember rightly, just before this hospitalization I'd followed some barmy instruction from my 'guidance' to take my extant Energy Egg off its transmitter base, so I was supposedly not receiving any Energy Egg assistance at that time.
I explained to the very friendly and unusually aware ward doctor (i.e., unusually aware for a psychiatric doctor ), who I shall call V (not his real initial) about how the Energy Egg was part of my strategy for addressing the problem underlying my various 'entity' crises, and how I'd ordered the second one and really wanted to have it here with me in the hospital to help speed my healing process, and how, to that end, I really needed to nip back to my flat very briefly to pick up the new Energy Egg. A little to my surprise, I didn't have to put much effort into persuading him to agree to my doing that.
It was a trifle awkward physically, of course, because that would have been on the day after my catheterization, I having gone into urine retention over the first two days, having then been catheterized on the Wednesday — so I had a pee bag strapped to my left leg.
Anyway, I used the local bus service, and I think in fact I rather surprised the staff as to how promptly I returned, with a satisfied look about me as though I'd discovered I were pregnant, having indeed picked up the new Energy Egg and having it in my pocket, and also having put my first Energy Egg (still on a shelf in my living room at home) back on its transmitter base, so that it too would supposedly be assisting me in my clearance and strengthening process.
Presumably there would have been more difficulty or, most likely, a total block, over my nipping back home like that if I'd been 'under Section', but the latter wasn't the case this time and so some flexibility was allowed.
Actually my doing that little errand was in itself a very helpful part of my awareness-grounding process at that time, for it gave me a purposeful focus on the physical here-and-now, and also underlined the understanding that nothing untoward was really happening to me, and that I was in command of the beginnings of a real process of progressive resolution of my 'entities' problem, very much under my own steam and self-command.
A 'goodbye' to the pee bag — and final discharge…
My discharge from the hospital came just a week after my admittance, with the consultant and doctor taking great trouble to ensure that I was released as quickly as possible but with all care being taken to ensure that I wasn't left with any troublesome issues. In particular, as noted above, I'd gone into urine retention again in the first two days, allegedly possibly the Haloperidol having precipitated it*, and had then been catheterized on the Wednesday.
* That was the consultant's view, as urine retention is a known side effect of Haloperidol. However, as I've already remarked with respect to my urine retention episode during my first hospitalization, at home Haloperidol never appeared to have that effect on me, and on the other hand the garbage certainly did frequently constrict my bladder sphincter and make it difficult to pee (and also severely constricted my anus, making it very painful and aggravating my haemorrhoids).
Since then I've been able to get a speculative confirmation about this by means of inner inquiry, the results of which latter have been strongly suggestive that although Haloperidol, like ALL other antipsychotics, is seriously harmful in all sorts of subtle long-term effects that the medics neither know nor want to know about, for me personally it wasn't significantly affecting my urine flow, and virtually the whole culprit for my peeing troubles was particular garbage interference. My prostate enlargement was only a minor factor — at least, directly.
This time, the consultant and doctor actually made an impromptu decision (at my suggestion) to remove the catheter immediately before I left, and to see that I had some sensible post-discharge follow-up. I not only take my sun hat off to those two, but (if it were not for considerations of acceptable decorum) I'd have given them both a warm and loving hug!
It's worth noting that during this hospitalization I got no 'loaded' questioning nor overt
'diagnoses' from the consultant / doctors. There was altogether more of a sense of the doctors
understanding that in some mysterious way I really was in command of my situation, even if I hadn't
got everything exactly right. Apart from my being required to take 'some' medication (but at least
a really minimal and largely ineffective dose), which I sort-of magnanimously accepted just as a
sop to them (the consultant's words were something like Our system requires that you take
something
), I wasn't significantly in conflict with them during that whole stay
there.
Again, what a laughable unwitting admission of the complete lack of a rational or genuinely
scientific basis of their whole psychiatry mindset and supposed methodology! — Our system requires that you take something
, indeed! — Well, if it's just 'something' that I must take, if I get landed in psycho hospital
ever again, let's try suggesting that the best 'something' for me to take is a couple of 'grand' —
or maybe just a little bit more. That would help me considerably more than a pointless
antipsychotic tablet, to promote not only my own self-actualization (healing) process but also that
of other people who take on my methods!
Hospitalization 4 — Nobby taken seriously at last!
On Sunday 22nd October 2006 the 'entities' (i.e., the garbage) unleashed upon me a seemingly massively strong attack. My 'guidance' was emphatic that this was the strongest attack I'd ever had — though because of my better groundedness now I wasn't as badly affected by that as I'd been by certain attacks in 2004/5.
The attacks had been cranking up over the previous three days, and after I'd very shakily cleared up after my evening meal on this Sunday I saw little option but to phone the Crisis Resolution Team again. Two lovely people from the team visited me just ¾ hour later, and it was agreed that they'd take me into the Cedars hospital again right then. Curiously, my 'guidance' (allegedly my higher consciousness but of course really still the garbage) was emphatic that this was what was meant to happen at this point — I was actually meant to get hospitalized*.
* Yes, that was true in one sense, in that the garbage appeared then to be meaning to get me hospitalized in order to gain a continuation of the appearance to many people of me being somehow mentally disordered, so greatly harming my credibility as a promoter of self-healing and true self-realization / self-actualization. There was, however, no 'higher' or bona fide presence or 'will' that was meaning me to be hospitalized.
On the other hand, as on other occasions, I'm quite sure that the garbage was actually trying to cover up its failure to achieve its primary aim — still to wreck me or take me over in a way that I explain further below. Each time previously, once I'd decided that enough was enough of the particular crisis level attack event and I'd rebel by getting into hospital or at least call the Crisis Team, I'd effectively scuppered the primary wrecking intent for me at that point.
Naturally the garbage wouldn't then admit such defeat, but would seek to cover up by indicating that getting hospitalized or calling the Crisis Team was just what I'd been meant all along to be doing at this point. It got quite comical, really, how consistently disingenuous it was in such situations!
This time it was into the other, ground floor, ward (Coombehaven) that I was directed, as all the beds in Delderfield were full, though it made little difference because the two wards were very similar and there was an interchange of staff between the two.
In my previous hospitalization-causing crises my awareness had been ungrounded enough for me to be confused at a certain level by the 'entities' (i.e., really the garbage) as to what was reality and what was fiction, and had thus been technically 'psychotic' in the doctors' view for the first day or two each time. On this occasion, however, I stayed well enough grounded that I'd remained impervious to the garbage's attempts to aggressively pose as guidance that I supposedly had to follow, and to give me fiction that I was supposed to believe.
On this occasion, nearly all the time I managed even to be switched out of the 'voice channel' altogether. So my only issue this time was the attack. This eased off to a fair extent during that Sunday evening*, was much less on the Monday**, and was down to background level on the Tuesday.
* Actually, because I was strong enough to be so peaceful that evening despite the attack, and not trembling by the time I was taken to the hospital, the garbage actually added to the attack some mild hypermania (which was visible), just to help convince hospital staff during my admission process that there really was something up with me — to help ensure that I didn't get sent straight home again that evening.
Actually, apart from the unwanted medication, it really was helpful to be out of my flat and among some supportive people for a couple of days, so, although there would have been no benign intent of the garbage in helping to ensure that I was hospitalized, it was (presumably inadvertently) quite helpful in that one respect. As I already carried the stigma of having been in a psychiatric hospital, that particular damage had already been done, and surely one more very short stay wouldn't make any significant difference to that stigma.
** In fact on that Monday, early evening, I was assisted in the grounding of my awareness by one particular thing that was nothing to do with the hospital — Mother Nature instead: there was a mild thunderstorm! I love thunderstorms (which are a rarity in Exeter even in the summer), and the nursing staff seemed to trust me enough to allow me to stand just outside the main doorway to watch the occasional flashes of lightning across the (night) sky and enjoy the wild atmosphere with the squall and heavy rain and hail falling.
However, as I suddenly realized in October 2009, there was actually more to that experience than I realized at the time.
Because I was so much more together this time when I was admitted, along with the previous experience of me recovering quickly with minimal medication during my hospitalizations, this time nobody sought to get me to take initial stronger medication, and what medication I had was minimal right through (0.5 mg Risperidone twice daily — the placebo for the doctors — and an optional Zopiclone sleeping tablet at bedtime, which I took just for the first night), so I had no troublesome drowsiness at all.
Also, this time, despite the garbage interfering a bit with my pee sphincter, I didn't go into actual urine retention, so right from the start this hospitalization was a relaxed one with no distracting issues.
Once again, during my stay there I had really nice and positive interactions with staff and various patients, and the doctors seemed very interested indeed in my insights into what was going on for me, and my insights into the true healing issues and healing options that underlie virtually all mental health and personality disorder issues.
Although those insights of mine at that time were still quite distorted, because they were still based on channelled 'information', progressively my understandings were 'sharpening up' and already becoming a bit closer to the picture that I was subsequently to piece together, from mid 2007 onwards, then using a more rigorous and discerning 'inner inquiry' supported by Helpfulness Testing instead of channelling.
On the afternoon of Tuesday 24th October, still not two full days from my admittance there, I had a ward visit (which may have been an official ward round, I'm not sure) that was supposed to be with the consultant and a doctor, but the consultant was away on leave, so I got the doctor V, who I mention further below, and another doctor, JA, who I didn't remember seeing before but said she knew me from one of my stays in Wonford House.
Surprisingly, I could sense that JA was quite unlike any other psychiatric doctors I'd encountered, for she herself appeared to be at least potentially a 'healer' and to be very psychic — whether or not she herself recognised the fact.
Indeed she did show a lot more awareness and acceptance of, and indeed interest in, my own (albeit still rather flaky) understanding of what was going on for me — though nowadays I'd recognise her as not being a suitable sort of person for me to be much involved with because her own weak grounding would tend to have a certain weakening effect on my own grounding — and of course for the same reason really she was unsuitable to be dealing with people with so-called 'mental health issues'.
What really touched me was that JA told me openly and directly in that session that those who knew me among the nurses there and at Wonford House, and also the Crisis Resolution Team people, had all become quite fond of me because of the appreciation and positive messages they'd got from me.
Not only was that very touching, especially as it was coming from one of the psychiatric doctors there, but it was also a great sign, that my whole approach to my interactions with the mental healthcare workers was bang-on and would make it much easier in the future to get really helpful co-operation from them if / when I had cause to call upon them again as a result of some new crisis. It also meant that I was being an effective living model of and 'ambassador' for my whole self-healing / self-actualization approach to 'mental health'.
V and JA agreed that there was no point nor need for me to delay my return home any further, so I was then allowed out 'on leave', to return the following day to report back, and, all being well, I'd be formally discharged then — as actually happened.
I thus left feeling truly uplifted by the experience, and knowing* that in any future crises I was now strong and grounded enough to have only the attack and not significant confusions to deal with, and so any future hospitalizations could be similarly brief, and with a great deal of respect from the doctors as well as nurses, and minimal risk of getting seriously regarded as mentally ill or disordered because of my crisis-level attacks and non-physical perceptions and unorthodox insights into mental health issues — at least, as long as I was still in Exeter and dealing with more or less the same people.
* Oh no, I didn't know that! I thought at that time that I knew it! Just see further below how I got 'pixie-led' once again! Still, I was gradually 'getting there', and gaining a mass of crucially important observational data about the garbage's modus operandi that was really to come into its own during the following years. And then, of course, once I quit channelling altogether in April 2007 I could no longer get 'pixie-led' like that at all.
Yes, Nobby taken seriously at last — and they're still not satisfied!
During my consultation with the already mentioned doctor 'V' on the first morning there I was tickled by one detail. V, a lovely guy, I think of Indian origin, who saw me on occasions during my previous hospitalization, was asking me some questions about this particular crisis that had been the cause of my readmission this time, and was writing down notes of what I said. I told him how much more strong and grounded and in command of my situation I was now, and, as an aside I remarked that I regularly made fun of the 'entities' when they sought to interfere with me, and called them Nobby or indeed Little Knob ("because they stick themselves into everyone's business" ) to anger and belittle them.
True to his medical training, the doctor appeared to be studiously writing even those details down. So after that I was getting the giggles whenever I thought of that and how the notes he took then would look — and the face of some more straight-laced doctor who happens to read those notes in the future!
Oh well, there will always be some people who will see me as nuts!
A doctor's dilemma…
And now, a little about the uneasy subject of psychiatric doctor-patient relationships.The aforementioned doctor, V, was clearly in some inner conflict about me, in a similar sort of way to what I've already described relating to the consultant. I didn't encounter him in my first two hospitalizations, so my first dealings with him were in my third hospitalization, when I first came to the Cedars. I could see at once that he had a much deeper awareness and altogether more inner freedom and flexibility* about him than the consultant or that ward doctor in Wonford House. He also seemed to like me a lot and to be really interested in my very different angle on 'mental health' issues — in a way that seemed quite genuine (i.e., not just patronization to keep me happy).
* Actually in my 'inner vision' I also noticed a whitish radiance around him, like what I'd 'seen' around the guy X who I've commented about during my first hospitalization at Wonford House. As noted before, I nowadays recognise that impression as an intimation from my deeper aspects that any such person has some issue to do with weak groundedness — usually to the effect of the person being weakly grounded him/herself. In this particular case V was himself distinctly weakly grounded and really needed to be doing something about that — but I didn't have that understanding then, so wasn't able to give him any friendly constructive input on that.
He even had a brief email exchange with me after that September hospitalization, relating to things on my Self-Realization & Spirituality website (the predecessor of this site). His tone was warm, enthusiastic and friendly.
But during this October 2006 hospitalization it was different. He was still friendly and
enthusiastic in manner, but he'd put a clear barrier between himself and me, and always
addressed me formally, as Mr Goddard
. NONE of the other staff — consultant, doctors, nurses nor
anyone else — had addressed me thus, and during my September hospitalization he'd been just as
happy as anyone else there to call me Philip.
It wasn't just the words of his addressing me, though. This time his whole demeanour and
various turns of phrase were used to put across the strong unspoken message, Yes, I know I opened
up a bit to you, but that was careless of me because I have to think of my professional reputation
as a psychiatric doctor…
— and of course I was left feeling a bit snubbed, though not seriously
so because I could see what was going on, and I was just a bit sorry for him.
I suppose my main feeling was just a small disappointment that he'd drawn back from the brink of
opening up his life with new and greatly important insights — and I felt also that there was
something about him that made him a 'natural' to be an ongoing personal friend of mine in a healthy
and unattached, mostly arm's length
sort of way, and presumably he'd been aware of that too, and
that was part of what had caused him to take fright and stick up that barrier.
Of course there's the possibility that he may have felt something stronger towards me and potentially not so helpful, such as an emotional or erotic attraction — and if that were the case his taking fright a bit and putting up that barrier would have been particularly understandable.
But what he had no means of knowing was how aware and responsible I happen to be about such matters, and, far from drawing him into any inappropriate relationship, I'd have encouraged a truly healthy friendship centred around sharing the odd healthy activity, such as co-working on using and developing genuine healing and self-actualization methods, and, according to his particular interests, perhaps getting out hiking together sometimes, and so on. I simply wouldn't have allowed anything unhealthy or truly professionally compromising to develop.
Since that hospitalization I sent out a very occasional newsletter to relevant mental healthcare workers, including the nurses, the consultant, V, the Crisis Resolution Team, my 'community psychiatric nurse' (of which more further below) and my own doctor. In that newsletter I gave updates on my further insights and progress in clearing my troubles from the garbage. I got feedback that this was very much appreciated — not least, because of the ongoing friendly interest I was taking in them.
However, I never got any response to those from V. — Nothing actually wrong about that, of course, and nowhere in this account do I mean any criticism of him at all, but I mention it simply as part of the picture of his having sadly felt obliged to clam up towards me. Professional status is everything, and genuine human considerations get forced into, at best, second place.
…And another hint of an intriguingly positive relationship, at a distance
During both my Cedars hospitalizations I occasionally saw (in passing) another doctor, also clearly Asian, and in that case I'm fairly sure Pakistani, who caught my gaze in an almost startling way each time. On the odd occasion indeed, he noticed me, even at some distance, and I'm sure impression was mutual, and there was a transient sense of 'Wow!' as our gazes transiently met. It was clear that he had a deep and strong awareness — which appeared to be stronger, deeper and more focused than that of V, and more like my own.
On one occasion, I think in the first of the Cedars hospitalizations, he stood in for the doctor V, who was absent for one of his scheduled ward rounds, and so this striking man and I spoke together.
Of course, back then I couldn't usefully tell him anything about what I was sensing about him, for I had to be careful not to say anything that might cause him to think I was being 'psychotic' or indeed had a crush on him, and in any case he had only a matter of minutes to carry out his brief ward-round consultation. I didn't pick up his name, I think because again I was feeling a bit unsure of myself, and indeed lacking the vital piece of insight that came to me only quite a few years later on, which would have made proper sense of that apparent connection between him and me.
After that consultation, on further occasions when I saw him in passing by, that transient eye contact was then accompanied by a smiling nod of recognition and greeting, each time giving me a quite strong impression that he really wanted to talk more with me. I'd never had such a response (i.e., just in passing, at a distance) from any of the other doctors, or indeed other staff there, so there had to be something very significant about those fleeting 'wow' eye contacts.
Then, after that final hospitalization, for a while I sometimes cheekily visited the main (general) hospital just to use the Oasis Restaurant there for a satisfying and quite heavily subsidized lunch. On at least two occasions that doctor was having his own lunch there, in the Staff area, and again he recognised me and looked as though he'd so much like to talk with me — I repeatedly got the impression that he saw me as somebody 'special' or at least 'very interesting', who he wanted to know more about. Of course, it was possible that the consultant or indeed V had told him I was an interesting case, and so reinforced his immediate spontaneous 'deep recognition' eye contacts.
However, I was too timid then to go over to him, particularly as I could see that he was in a hurry to get away, doctors of course being busy mortals.
What I now recognise about him, from my 2023 perspective, is that he was, like me, not only a no-soul person, but one with a 'sniff-it-out' specialist configuration. And not only that, but my inner inquiry about him points to there being some quite important connection between his and my respective incarnational threads from long before this lifetime, and almost certainly well before this solar system, such that deeper consciousness had adjusted his developmental trajectory to maximize the chances of bringing him and me together at a stage beyond my expected severe garbage troubles in our current incarnations — such as, say, about now.
The catch was that a person's developmental trajectory isn't a scheduled 'destiny' (which is a harmful garbage-sourced concept), but a probabilistic matrix, and so on this occasion the crossing of our trajectories had occurred, but unexpectedly early, and too much so for what deeper consciousness was really intending — i.e., the two of us coming together in some sort of friendship, companionship or friendly sharing of a positive and creative project.
In other words, we're talking about something immensely more healthy and life-enhancing than any sort of 'romance' or attached 'relationship' as understood in our current, highly dysfunctional civilization.
Drugs — that ever-mandatory final course to meals
There's just one other little point to draw to attention before I finish about my Cedars visits. I mentioned previously about the drug dispensing sessions being in the 'Clinic Room' next to the dining room in Ash Ward at Wonford House. Well, here in Cedars the equivalent 'clinic room' was just a little further removed from the dining room. So, guess what! The nurses had it all organised that, late in mealtimes, they brought out a sort of cocktail bar trolley with the mouthwatering (and unfortunately mind-and-body-screwing) sweeties (i.e.,'candies' to you USA folk!), and parked it right outside the dining room entrance, to remind everyone that it was time for their final and most sumptuous course.
You've just had Strawberry Surprise, Caramel Whip or Angel Delight? Now it's your turn, maybe, for Diazepam Surprise or Haloperidol Marvel (indeed, Haloperidol Humdinger if you're really lucky) — not to mention Temazepam Twirl, Seroquel Split, Zyprexa Zuggle, Zopiclone Zest or Mogadon Munch… All washed down with a priceless little measure of delicious life-supporting Exeter tap water…
How would one live without it? I can't wait to get back there — yum, yum!
Follow-up — the dreaded CPN!
The Crisis Team had notified the area mental health services of my hospitalizations, and so some days after my return home I was contacted by my allocated 'care co-ordinator' (previously known as community psychiatric nurse (CPN) or psychiatric social worker). I did have a CPN following on from my December 2004 hospitalization, but although he was a nice guy he was really too busy to be a useful support when I was under severe attack (and there seemed to be something a little 'fuzzy' and unfocused in his outlook, which actually didn't make him feel as supportive as would really have helped me), and after a little while at that time I'd ill-advisedly got the mental health services to drop my 'case' as an 'active' one so I no longer had the occasional contacts from him.
This time I learnt that that CPN had left, and the temporary one allocated to me was a very nice, accepting and supportive woman — and with quite an openness and depth of awareness herself. She was very accepting of my unorthodox description of what had been going on for me — indeed she was really interested in what I said, and even was keen to get reading some of my writings on (the predecessor of) this site — albeit the relevant writings being quite a bit different from how they are now, and at that stage still containing quite a lot of channelled misinformation.
She did something that the previous CPN never did — got together with me to draw up an official Care Plan. Although such care plans have no doubt widely been one of the system's tools for imposing its 'medical model' regime upon 'service users', in this case my Care Plan turned out to be a Bloody Good Thing.
This document enabled me to put into it my own account of what appeared to be going on for me and what was most helpful for me and what was unhelpful for me, and also to explain to care workers unfamiliar with me just what they may observe when I'm experiencing problems. The care co-ordinator gave me a draft of the document and invited me to write certain sections that were still blank and to rewrite others to ensure that my own view was 100% conveyed.
Copies of this document would then, when finally agreed and typed up, go to the Crisis Resolution Team and my doctor, and it would be available on computer for all mental healthcare workers who at any time got involved with me. That would ensure that healthcare workers who had dealings with me and had read my details would know to a fair extent how to be supportive, what was unhelpful to me, and what my medication needs were and what they were not. I was even allowed to include in my care plan the addresses of relevant web pages of mine, including this one, to further inform the care workers.
Although that particular care co-ordinator was only temporary, she told me that if I wasn't happy with my next one I was fully entitled to ask for a different one*. I've heard many horror stories of CPNs who in my view were grossly unsuitable to be employed in that or any type of care work, because of lack of awareness and their having major emotional issues of their own that they were not addressing and were allowing to adversely affect their interactions with 'service users' — so it's well worth knowing that one doesn't have to stick with an unsupportive or even abusive CPN / care co-ordinator.
* In the event I was very happy with my new allocated care co-ordinator, a delightful man with considerable awareness and openness, who showed real interest in my explanations of what had been going on for me. However, when I first met him, in passing I saw two of the other care co-ordinators, who came out to meet other clients, and I was aware that neither of them would have got on so well with me, for neither had the sort of awareness that would enable them to be so open to a viewpoint outside the 'medical model' — though I'm sure they'd have still done their best to try to make sense of what I said.
I strongly recommend to other 'service users' that they don't accept less than the best, and insist on a change of care co-ordinator if they don't feel that their present one is properly supportive and accepting, and to ensure that their own understanding and viewpoint is fully and accurately represented in their care plan, so that the latter is an instrument of true support for them and not an instrument of oppression from the medics and other care workers.
Not Quite a Hospitalization 5 — The alleged departure of 'Mr Poo'!
As recounted in My own self-actualization process or 'path' — Part 2, in late December 2006 I was contacted through this website by a supposedly highly reputed 'lightworker', Dalibor Zaviska (henceforth abbreviated to DZ), who was offering to assist me in clearing my troublesome 'entities'. I immediately got to work using the methods he gave me for supposed clearance of these interferences, and he also gave me some sessions over the phone (such work could supposedly be done remotely) with the intent to clear some of my interferences and so speed the overall clearance process.
In the early stages of the apparent clearance process I saw representations of supposed demons in my energy system being transformed into 'Light beings' and transported away to a high 'dimension', and had various other indications at times of further groups of supposed 'entities' being released from me. I understood from DZ that actually it wasn't that rare for a person to have hundreds of 'dark' entities attached to them (which had to be removed in 'layers' over a period of time), so it was no surprise to me that I'd had a fair number of entities removed but yet still had more to go.
However, what I can say now is that anyone who sees themselves as a 'lightworker', and indeed almost anyone who is supposedly a 'healer', is to varying extents themselves being deceived and led astray by the garbage — just the same as had been interfering with me so disruptively. I'm now clear that DZ's 'healings' for me, and the methodology he gave me, removed no genuine entities or garbage connections. Both he and I were being extensively deceived by the garbage and had been simply shown various completely spurious 'visuals' of supposed demons and other types of entity being actively removed.
For this reason I'm now clear that my understanding during the experiences related below was still confused by the misinformation that both I and DZ had been receiving.
Actually, I did gain some important things from DZ despite his methods not casting out any 'undesirables', and indeed exposing me to additional danger as I explain in my account of his dealings with me on the above-linked page.
On Saturday 3rd February 2007* I was getting various disturbing manifestations in my mindspace, including very aggressive visual 'No!' flashes in response to many of my thoughts and a very intrusive, hectoring and bullying inner 'thought voice', plus a build-up of attack, which were reminiscent of the lead-ups to previous major ordeals that had led me to hospitalizations. That night, when I went to bed and closed my eyes I saw weird and disturbing tumultuous visuals that I understood to be from the 'Dark Realm'**.
* Actually, this crisis didn't come out of the blue on that day, but once again it was a culmination of a build-up over about two weeks, with myself getting more and more embroiled in a convoluted story that the garbage was giving me and seeking to get entangled with my ongoing self-healing work.
However, I was much more resistant to any attempts to get me allowing myself to be dragged through gruelling ordeals, so the problems during the two-week build-up were just increasingly convoluted 'story' about myself and my alleged 'soul history', and of course attacks, which at times were quite severe but generally not enough to be as disruptive for me as during the previous really serious attack crisis events.
But then on that Saturday it was as though the garbage had succeeded in overcoming some particular protective 'block' that I'd had in place, and it was only then that I became aware that it was looking to be another major crisis event developing.
** This was another bit of troublesome misinformation! What was actually happening was that the garbage was showing me particular types of hell (including night terrors) visuals, though at that point it wasn't attacking me, at least to a great extent, with the intense fear-related emotions that make the complete hell / night terrors experience.
My 'guidance' (now claiming to be the supposed Creator Consciousness itself, which was of course really rubbish) made clear to me that I wasn't going to be allowed to sleep and was going to be given some work to do. As it was supposedly some overridingly important work that it was my destiny to perform, I was told in no uncertain terms that taking a sleeping tablet wasn't an option. This then led into my being taken through what seemed at the time to be the most monumentally spectacular and severe all-night ordeal that I'd ever experienced. I was going through this for about 10 hours in Earth time, but subjectively I was in a rather different time-scale, the ordeal seeming to last about 16 hours.
There was an involved story behind what I went through on this particular night, but I'm not going into that here. Suffice it to say that for an alleged very special 'higher' purpose I was being taken through experiences purporting to be those of part of the supposed Creator Consciousness itself, actually at the supposed beginning of Creation when, allegedly the so-called Dark Realm formed*.
* All the story about the purported Dark Realm and indeed Creator Consciousness that I was receiving at that time was, unsurprisingly, a convoluted fiction that was an immense distortion of what I now understand to be the true state of affairs. For more about the latter please see The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks. So, please be aware that the non-physical 'reality' that I was engaging with in this particular crisis situation was actually an illusory one that I was being given by the garbage, and was NOT something that I'd nowadays call 'real'.
This involved my being taken through visual impressions of myself as part of the Creator consciousness actually becoming the Dark Realm and being given intense feelings of the terror that was allegedly the basis of the whole Dark Realm — my task being to maintain my awareness of myself as Creator consciousness and so continuing to be proactively peaceful observer of all the experiences, no matter how severe. The alleged purpose of this was to bring healing to the 'dark' part of the Creator consciousness and thus assist an alleged healing and 'Enlightening' process for the whole Dark Realm.
After a short while immersed in the purported Dark Realm impressions I'd be prompted to draw myself back to the 'Light' of the main part of the Creator consciousness and then to go back into the 'Dark Realm', a bit more deeply and intensely — till after several such 'descents' of increasing depth and severity I 'descended' to a level where it seemed as though my body would break up if the terror feelings became any more severe (but still while I was being the peaceful observer of the experience and not actually getting terrified).
Then, after that most intense incursion into 'the Dark', I was taken into a whole range of purported scenes in the supposed Dark Realm, with strong 'terror' feelings* to match — all the time succeeding in being the peaceful observer and so actually not getting emotionally traumatized by any of this, though of course it was still very taxing.
Actually my indications from much more recent inner inquiry point to the purported Dark Realm scenes that I was shown being simply different sets of hell / night terrors visuals.
* Although at the time I thought of myself as being attacked with terror feelings, and my so-called 'guidance' was describing the attacks as being with terror, it's really not possible to label such feelings accurately with a specific emotion like that. Basically I was getting a very strong and menacing ache at my solar plexus, and its intensity varied a great deal, so that when it was at its very strongest it seemed to extend out into my limbs. I wasn't getting the standard physical symptoms of terror, and on this occasion had almost no bouts of trembling.
As I'd already been through the most intense experiences at a quite early stage in the ordeal, the purported 'being raped by demons' tableau, when it eventually came, relatively late on, was quite an anticlimax, for the images presented at that point were very confused and vague (indeed with nothing that I could identify as having sexual connotations), and I was watching it all more with an anticipatory curiosity rather than being scared or upset by it — the attack with nasty feelings being comparatively subdued at that point and only mildly mixed with a few transient waves of sexual arousal. After all, I knew it was just a 'movie' display and really no more 'real life' than watching something disturbing on large-screen TV.
As time dragged on and on, and I was eventually thinking it must be close to getting-up time, and I was wondering how much longer this was going to go on for, I was given more intimidating scenarios, being told that for a particular supposedly higher purpose (which I'm not going into here) I'd then actually got to jump right into the Dark Realm instead of just observing — but some sort of inner 'warning signal' of mine caused me repeatedly not to allow myself to try to do that, despite the increasing pressure upon me to do so.
This last paragraph has an extremely chilling significance, as I came to understand only in late November 2007. Basically, it looks very much as though the garbage was trying to get me to go out-of-body sufficiently for it to stage a partial walk-in upon me, which would have been disastrous for me if it had succeeded.
Finally, it being clear that it was way past my normal getting-up time and it had got quite
light outside, and my having been told I'd now got bloodthirsty demons set upon me to eat up my
body and ensure that I now fell into the Dark Realm to become a 'dark' being there whether I wanted
to or not, the more grounded part of my awareness, which had been my saving feature all along,
thought Sod the lot of you — you've had your turn, now it's mine!
— and I got out of bed!
Immediately I was out of bed and on my legs I was staggering all over the place and could feel all sorts of ominous burning-tingling feelings moving about in various parts of my body. The bullying inner voice was shouting at me that I was a fool and should get back onto my bed at once, as the demons were in the process of eating my body and I'd just fall over and die an agonizing death anyway in a moment. I was also given a very strong impression that I wasn't really awake in the real world at all but was in a replica of it in an astral realm* — something that I'd experienced genuinely during my September ordeals during my first night or two at The Cedars.
* I recount in Beliefs and illusory realities — Their role in human irrationality some of my astral realm experiences during my first stay at Cedars.
In fact in retrospect I'm sure that my being aware that I was or could be in an astral realm then was effectively a warning signal for me, because, despite all the confusions, I then had an inkling that quite possibly if I didn't take decisive action at that point in some way to step out of that astral realm by means of getting my awareness grounded I might not have another chance to do so and could be effectively cut off from 'real' reality.
Despite feeling a great resistance against flying in the face of what the voice was telling me to do, and this strong sense that I was just in an astral realm and therefore there was nothing I could do to change things for the better, I chose to force myself to go ahead and open my bedroom door and get breakfast — even if it really was all a replica in an astral realm and indeed felt as though it would be just too much trouble. If demons really were feasting on me, then, okay, I'd soon be dead anyway. Otherwise, breakfast for me seemed a pretty good option for continuing to live!
So, despite an eerily strong feeling of resistance, but also being aware of the many troublesome fictitious scenarios that had been given to me so convincingly at various times before, I made myself have breakfast, and then phoned the Crisis Resolution Team* (never mind whether that too was an astral replica!), for at that stage I actually wanted to get back into Cedars for just a couple of nights, so I could once more get into balance, thwarting the pressures from the bullying 'entity'.
* As I now understand it, this was actually crucial, for I was actually in some danger at that point because I was indeed in an astral realm in which the garbage could quite possibly have taken full possession of me (in the sense of getting me nicely 'fitted up' with a controlling and highly troublesome partial walk-in or spirit attachment or do something else to me that would have effectively wrecked or destroyed me). It was my determinedly-followed choices to get and eat breakfast and then call the Crisis Team that brought me fully out of the astral replica of my flat, into the 'real world' version of it and thus out of the clutches of the garbage.
The Crisis people were wonderful. Indeed, one of them was Jan, one of the nurses fondly remembered from my first hospitalization. Within an hour I had two of them — lovely people — visit me. They were greatly supportive, and it was clear that my previous positive interactions with the Crisis Team had helped, for they all had a liking and respect for me, knowing that basically I knew what my needs were and thus I could assist them in being as helpful as possible.
On this occasion, they very apologetically told me that just then there were no free hospital beds locally*, so it was a matter of getting what support I could from the Crisis Team people themselves. They had a long and very supportive chat with me and agreed for me to phone them for a chat when I felt the need, and to have further visits from them on subsequent days.
I understand that Ash Ward in Wonford House was closed down soon after my last hospitalization there, and, more recently, Bucknill, the remaining 'acute' ward there, was also closed — patients then being directed to The Cedars, resulting in a still greater over-stretching of the local psychiatric hospital facilities.
* That was probably the case, but I can't rule out the possibility that, in the light of my self command and (to them) quite dramatic recovery during previous hospitalizations, a decision had been made at some level that I was generally too low a priority person for hospitalization, in view of the considerable and increasing pressure on their hospital bed-space.
It was greatly helpful to have so much loving and caring support from these people, and just knowing they were really caring about me and were putting themselves on the line as much as they could was a great reassurance. However, there was one looming problem — what would happen during that Sunday night when I went to bed — still here alone in my flat?
Yes, I'd take a Zopiclone sleeping tablet plus a little Risperidone, but if the 'entities' (i.e., the garbage) interfered and attacked strongly again, then that medication wouldn't be enough to get me much or even any sleep — and I wasn't going to play about with higher doses (so much for my supposed suicidal tendencies!).
My concerns were underlined during afternoon and evening, as I felt a rising pressure of 'entity' attack, and the bullying inner voice was pressuring me to contact all manner of people to cry out for help — though in practice there was nobody just then for me to usefully 'cry out' to apart from the Crisis Team people. When bedtime came, with trepidation and still feeling a quite strong attack, I took my Zopiclone and Risperidone and got into bed — but then actually fell asleep even before the medication had had time to act, and then I had a pretty good and undisturbed night's sleep after all!
On the Monday evening I had an emergency session over the phone with DZ, and as a result of this, supposedly I finally got the bullying entity removed. My understanding at that point was that it had been the ringleader in all my troubles, 'orchestrating' the interference and attacks from 'astral entities' of various purported types as well as posing as some sort of higher guidance itself, so my at last getting it sent off appeared to be quite a coup.
As part of my policy of supposedly belittling and disempowering these 'dark' beings, I retrospectively named the departed troublemaker Pooh Bear, or, more respectfully, Mr Pooh.
Although after that I still had interference and at times lesser attacks from 'dark entities' (i.e., the garbage), at least then, so I thought, I knew the true nature of the cause of the big ordeals and various other major troubles*, and had got rid of it.
* Actually, no, I didn't know half of it then! I was still being decidedly misinformed and confused because I was then still accepting information from what I was assuming was a 'higher' and thus supposedly beneficial and reliable source. I've learnt since that, as already noted, ALL apparently external non-physical entities / beings or information sources are bogus and are appearances or apparitions created in people's minds by the garbage, as explained in The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks.
In fact almost certainly no entities of any significance, including that supposed 'Mr Pooh' (or Little Poo as I liked to refer to it) had actually been removed at that stage in early 2007. It was an old deceit of the garbage to pretend that it was actual removable entities that have been sent off, when all it had done was to have suddenly gone more into hiding, then continuing to interfere in more sneaky, covert ways.
However, all that said, in late October 2008 I gained a new, speculative, understanding about the true nature of the garbage and how it had been interacting with me, and I now suspect that 'Mr Pooh' could have been part of a particular sequence of manifestations to me caused by the postulated cacoprotean network — what could be called the primary aspect of the garbage — giving me some relatively direct attention in a really concerted attempt to take me over or destroy me in one way or another. I think that what could have been such (relatively) direct interference from that network came to me only during my most serious crisis events.
'The End of the Affair' — My healing methods really 'biting' in earnest
Subsequently, I never had cause for psychiatric hospitalization again. Yes, although I was succeeding in nipping almost all incipient attacks in the bud, the garbage still continued trying to create further crises for me on the rare occasions when something pushed a sufficiently strong emotional button for me, which then gave a foothold for the garbage to start an unusually strong and sustained attack, but actual crises progressively became on average less severe and less frequent as I further developed my self-healing / self-actualization methods.
It was enough to phone the Crisis Resolution Team for a chat and a little brief support on the rare occasions when a particular sustained attack looked particularly intimidating and potentially disruptive or dangerous, and that together with my particular methods was in every case enough to dissolve the particular relatively mild crisis.
The last occasion that I called the Crisis Team was in very early 2010*, when actually the overall major problem was the garbage causing me very troublesome phantom pain in my anus and so depriving me of sleep. However, about the same time I very much sharpened up my 'methodology' for handling garbage attacks, so that after that I was fully self-sufficient in dealing with attacks.
* Except, oh no, it wasn't! — See Famous last words…(just this once)! just a little further below.
By then I was able, without calling for anyone else's assistance, to dissolve even the most threatening-seeming crisis attempts completely within an hour (though that had been a very rare situation, the last one in 2010 having been in mid July, and there was one such occasion in April 2011 when, as an experiment, I actually challenged myself by deliberately precipitating a major and very intimidating-seeming garbage attack on myself, which I then indeed dissolved over about an hour) — see blue panel further below for details of that.
I outline my strategy for handling a prospective rough night (i.e., with garbage interference / attacks or other 'psychic' or emotional shenanigans) in Ways of handling a prospective rough or sleepless night — and I recommend a similar strategy for anyone who has significant sleeping troubles — but the same principles really apply to all of everyday life (apart from the option of taking a sleeping tablet!).
Even at the end of 2010 I found another, really powerful way to be further improving the effectiveness of my self-healing methods and immunizing myself to garbage interferences / attacks, so things could only get better still. By that time I appeared to be well advanced in developing an 'energy' device that was distinctly more than a replacement for the Energy Egg 'family' of devices. That would be a potent tool for those who are prepared to actively use it to further their self-healing / self-actualization process and the clearance from themselves of all troublesome influences and interferences (and thus the root cause of what gets unhelpfully labelled as 'mental illness').
Indeed, in early 2011 I got to the stage that I'd completely discontinued using the Energy Egg 'family' of devices, and at that point I was clearly already getting at least as much benefit from my home-made Clarity-Sphere prototype instead, which device could be expected in the future to enable me to be still more efficient in further immunizing myself against all attempts at troublesome interferences in my life. My developing it thus marked a new and exciting level of self sufficiency.
This, then, appeared to be the end of my narrative here, for I didn't foresee myself then having cause for any further dealings with the mental health services, at least as any sort of patient or client. I eventually cleared out my little stock of yum-yum Risperidone and, I think, even a few Haloperidol tablets that were still lurking in my bedside cabinet — and, more recently I turned out even the little remainder of Zopiclone tablets, not having used any for a long time.
Famous last words…(just this once twice)!
In late December 2015 I was taken aback by my starting to get strong and indeed sometimes severe garbage attacks once again, and therefore had to give the nice people in the Crisis Resolution Team quite a surprise by calling upon them for some supportive chats, particularly at night, to help ground my awareness. The attacks seemed to be particularly directed to trying to stop me sleeping, and so presumably to wear me down and drive me eventually to suicide (yawn… I've heard it all before! ).
Yep, I had to get taking periodic Zopiclone again! My methods for stalling and dissolving attacks and immunizing myself to future attacks, which had been working so spectacularly well for some years, appeared to have suddenly stopped working (i.e., specifically for me). I had a rough time for some 2½ months before that died out and my methods were working for me again. What the eff was going on?
And then the same happened again in late November / early December 2017 — but then I was able to make further observations that enabled me at last to understand what was really going on then, and which pointed to means to prevent such situations arising again.
Each of those macro-attacks had originated from my doing some inner inquiry that in particularly bold ways was seeking to work out extensions to my extant self-healing / self-actualization methodology, and had actually, despite my best efforts to remain circumspect about inner inquiry results, had been somewhat led astray by a troublesome phenomenon that I dubbed the 'sticky layer', which exists in each person's mind — i.e., not just mine — and adulterates any inner inquiry that impinges on particular fixations / obsessions that are stored in that subconscious aspect of one's mind.
Once I understood that, I was able to start the rather tricky and bumpy process of disengaging myself from the 'sticky-layer'-sourced scenarios that the garbage was then using as the basis for the current macro-attack, and, bit by bit, bringing about a quite bumpy overall accelerated progressive decline in the macro-attack.
Meanwhile I succeeded in working out a choice of three methods, each of which could potentially be used to clear one's 'sticky layer' of its untoward content, and started using those methods as well as putting them up on this site for others to try.
In 2018 I finally worked out as to why my methods had become ineffective as a result of each significant engagement with 'sticky-layer'-derived 'story' or fixations. It looks as though theoretically my attack-zapping methods had remained as effective as ever, BUT that particular type of engagement of mine with 'sticky layer' contents had enabled the garbage each time temporarily to be able to re-route its attack mechanisms through the sticky layer itself, which is a particular aspect or 'area' of consciousness where my methods have so far never been effective.
That underlines the need to disengage from any sticky-layer derived material, particularly thoroughly, in order to stop the garbage being able to use the sticky layer in that way, and thus to speedily recover one's ability to zap any attacks speedily and effectively. It should be possible to achieve this by using a straightforward declaration of intent (DOI) to completely repudiate and let go of all information, data, story or other communications that one has ever received from any non-physical source, including of course one's 'sticky layer'.
However, the upgrade to my methodology in September 2018, which rendered the Clarity-Sphere and indeed all external aids redundant, apparently has the effect of fairly rapidly resolving the problem of the garbage's being able to attack through the sticky layer with impunity from one's attack-zapping methods. The new methods were all 'tunnelling' straight through one's blockages instead of bypassing them, which latter was the primary effect of the Clarity-Sphere.
As I understand it so far, this 'tunnelling' produces a much cleaner route, with the sticky layer contents along that route being progressively dissolved, along with all other blocks and distortions. That means that the likelihood of any further macro-attacks caused by the garbage exploiting one's unwitting engagement with sticky layer contents would rapidly reduce to virtually zero, and any such attacks in the interim would be of rapidly decreasing strength and duration.
However, as part of my Project 'Fix the Human Condition', I identified the 'sticky layer' as none other than a faulty deep-level working data cache, which apparently deeper consciousness then fixed on a universal level (in early 2022), so theoretically it should no longer cause problems.What all this 'performance' was REALLY about
This is where at last I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, because, although I haven't yet fully cleared out all my garbage interference, I've cleared out plenty enough to have gained liberating new insights on what had been going on. I now have a great deal of insight into the agenda and modus operandi of what I'd been interpreting as 'astral beings' (i.e., really the garbage, the universal cack, the naff, or whatever you're inclined to call it).
The circumstances of my gaining this new understanding
As related in some detail in My own self-actualization process or 'path' — Part 2, in mid-May 2007 I went on a workshop that provided me with a set of powerful yogic practices (not ordinary 'Yoga') and an inner inquiry method called Energy Testing, which I adapted and enhanced, eventually renaming it to Helpfulness Testing, which marked a particularly dramatic breakthrough point.
Through using the practices daily, and indeed adapting and modifying / extending certain of them, I experienced NOT the standard sort of daily 'recharge' that people experience from their daily dose of Yoga or Tai Chi, but instead a consistently incrementing positive change in the way I was experiencing life, with a corresponding progressive gradual weakening of the various garbage interferences and attacks, and their becoming increasingly sidelined within my everyday experience.
I also added the odd practices that I'd adapted from other sources (e.g., especially Grounding Point), and most of the practices, as adapted and extended by me, are presented on this site — notably in Some potent self-actualization / healing practices.
Not only was life coming to feel steadily more joyful and free, but I was steadily gaining in further mental clarity, as various mental blocks and patterns and deceptions / illusory realities sourced from the garbage dissolved. I was thus steadily gaining new insights into what had been going on for me, and all that the garbage had been strenuously seeking to conceal from me was progressively getting uncovered and rudely exposed — and there was little more (and that too was steadily decreasing) that the garbage could do about this to try to 'save its bacon' and stop me from writing in public about its modus operandi and indeed its true nature and how people can clear themselves of its interferences and influence.
As explained in My own self-actualization process or 'path' — Part 2, I have strong pointers to the garbage having previously been able to attack me with such severity because it was using as powerful weapons against me a particularly heavy load of 'lost' human consciousnesses (loosely referred to as 'souls') that had been attached to me since my first year or so of life.
It was thus the emotional traumas of these 'lost' souls (not my own traumas, as I simply didn't have any of my own to speak of) that would have been used in the attacks. In The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks I explain in some detail about the apparent significance of such parasitic 'lost' human souls and how, according to my working model, they're used by the garbage as weapons and instruments of control on people.
— And then, as already alluded to, more recently I found that there's an additional, more extensive and powerful source of trauma material with which I was being attacked, and which is used in attacks upon other people too — the festering cesspit of pooled distorted human experience that underlies or is represented by what I call the primary archetypes.
I counsel that you don't draw the simplistic conclusion that there was something very peculiar about me if I had such lost souls attached to me, plus the 'archetype' connections. If my working model is correct, almost certainly you yourself would have some attached / connected to you, and they'd similarly be used by the garbage to interfere with you to keep you turned away from true self-actualization, which latter would free you from the garbage's influence for good and make your life unimaginably happier and more positive in all manner of ways.
What would have marked me out from the crowds, however, was the exceptional size of the 'load' that I'd been given — and now we come to consideration of the reason for that and indeed just why the garbage gave me such a rough time.
The explanation in part — sinister strategies for a 'partial walk-in'
This is where, to avoid duplication and further extending this page too much, I refer you to the page Partial walk-ins — how the 'forces of darkness' nearly got me, where I tell the unedifying story of one thing that the garbage appeared to be actually trying to do. Psychiatrists and other psychiatric workers in particular, please take on board particularly the paragraphs of the introduction to that page, which are specially addressed to you.
The more basic explanation — to get me out of the way somehow!
Actually, the partial walk-in attempts look to have been only part of the more general 'intent'* of the garbage to try to get me right out of the way, even by killing me if necessary. Careful retrospective examination of what was going on during those most troublesome times for me revealed pretty obvious attempts at a mind-bogglingly wide range of serious attempts to take me over or wreck / destroy me in all manner of ways — quite often a particular crisis being set up like a sort of multiple pun so that, supposedly if one aspect of it failed to do the job, other aspects of it surely would — but somehow I came out of all of that unscathed in real terms, and armed with more data that I'd before long be able to start using against the garbage for its own 'undoing'.
* It needs remembering that, to the best of my current understanding, the garbage was programming in 'thought energy' and isn't an actual self-aware conscious being or 'presence'. Thus any talk of it having an intent or a plan is merely an anthropomorphism, and it all too easily leads us into seriously misunderstanding the true nature of the garbage, and thus into inappropriate and unhelpful methods to try to address the problems that it creates for us.
Do we talk of a computer virus as having an 'intent'? — Surely, it itself has no intent, but it's simply programmed to execute a particular agenda. Just how the programming of the garbage, and indeed the garbage itself, originally arose, nobody could genuinely know (though of course masses of people have beliefs about its nature and origin). However, I do give an unusually reasoned and helpful speculation on this in The true nature of 'the forces of darkness' and its interference and attacks.
Fortunately the series of what appeared to have been actual attempts on my life by the garbage all failed, as I explain in The 'forces of darkness' ('astral beings') — My own tough experiences and My 'astral beings' — Now the scary bit: What I was really dealing with.
To the best of my current understanding, the reason for all these dire shenanigans was both because at the time of my birth my 'energy' was identified by the garbage as carrying an exceptional 'freedom' and 'independence of mind' aspect, which indicated a potential strong threat to the garbage and its agenda. Also the garbage would undoubtedly have routinely 'read' my apparent underlying 'life task' of seeking to find out the true nature of the underlying cause(s) of the universal grievous human dysfunction.
That in particular would have rung strong alarm bells for the garbage — and thus, no wonder that I got landed with the particularly big load of parasitic lost souls and the strong connections to primary archetypes, and then was heavily targeted, initially with particularly severe childhood night hells and then much more recently, with all the gross interference and attacks to try to take me over or destroy (indeed murder) me (again, see the latter page link above).
A weird conundrum — about the garbage not doing the obvious to me
There is, however, one point about all this that still eludes satisfactory explanation. I have masses of observations that appear to strongly support the hypothesis that the garbage was repeatedly trying to destroy me, even to the point of killing me. Yet all these attempts were based on particular psychic attack strategies — only (well, except for trying to get me to kill myself while at home during the thick of my troubles).
It became very clear during my disrupted years that the garbage could work out its troublesome agenda for a particular person through other people anywhere on the planet (e.g., through giving channelled 'readings' that all appear to verify each other, which are aimed at causing the person serious problems).
Yet, apparently, the garbage never did the presumably very easy and obvious thing to dispose of me: to manipulate or control somebody into seeking to kill me physically or into having a motoring 'accident' that just happened to kill me, on a hitch-hike on one of my regular hiking outings — and neither has such a possibility been a real concern of mine*, even though I've always been aware of such possibilities.**
* Please note that carefully, those people who are trawling through this page for evidence that I'm fundamentally mentally disordered and indeed a paranoid schizophrenic (as indeed one couple of astute and supposedly 'honourable' businesspeople who you'd have thought would have known much better were doing).
** Indeed, the garbage showed itself clearly capable, at least during one of my phases of severe interferences, of instructing somebody to interact with me in a specific way to further the garbage agenda. In One really weird hike — 'Grand design' or outlandish psychic attack? I recount how it was clear that a particular youngish couple were interfered with to make them give me a lift on a hitch-hike from outside Exeter that was intended to be into far Cornwall, and then to dump me at the first major junction, visibly shaken and looking as though they'd seen something very nasty indeed in a woodshed.
If they could be interfered with like that, why were other people with more troublesome tendencies not interfered with to make them in some way physically 'get rid of' me?!
Over the years I've had a very few attempts by individuals, in response to this site's contents, to send me potentially lethal psychic attacks by email, and my inner inquiry (whose results always need to be regarded as somewhat speculative) supports the reasonable hypothesis that a 'modest' succession of attempted psychic attacks sent by other means has notionally come to me and still does so.
That would be inevitable, because of my public profile through this uniquely challenging site, which cuts right through all traditions and belief systems — but I'm simply immune to all that sort of stuff, and spontaneously dissolve any trace of such an attempt that does 'stick' a little, without being consciously aware of any of that going on at the time.
In order to be susceptible to a psychic attack you need to be carrying whatever illusory realities the attack is programmed to exploit. If you've been systematically dissolving your load of illusory realities over the years in an ongoing self-actualization process, as I have, it's very unlikely that you'd still be carrying any of those that would be required for a psychic attack to have any significant effect on the target person.
Also, the very positive 'energy' about me is presumably what's been preventing the garbage from causing me to have serious 'accidents' on my own, on mountains or exposed cliff edges, both of which I have quite a taste for in my hiking outings! Even during the thick of my 'dark' times I went on hikes and still enjoyed negotiating the odd fairly seriously exposed situations on cliffs, in some amazement that the supposed 'astral beings', or whatever, appeared not to be even trying to cause a physical problem there — whether causing an 'accident' or simply giving me some story leading into an instruction to jump over the cliff edge or to divert from my normal route onto a stupidly dangerous bit.
I guess the answer about that is that in such situations my own mental clarity came into the foreground as the challenge of all the more precarious hiking / scrambling situations forced me to pay proper attention to what I was doing, so temporarily improving the grounding of the relevant aspect of my awareness and thus rendering me temporarily much less gullible and open to garbage interferences. See Fear versus reality — A salutary mountain experience, for example — the experience related there being in 1982, and so very much pre-dating my big garbage shenanigans.
Let's point out here that this anomaly of the garbage apparently not using physical means to dispose of me, apart from trying to get me to kill myself by physical means within or, rarely, close to, my own home (nowhere else), is one of the many aspects of its behaviour that point to it being programming-driven rather than being any sort of conscious, aware and reasoning being.
If the garbage had been the latter, then surely it would have been monstrously more difficult if not impossible for me to avoid being destroyed by it. Indeed, in that scenario 'Humanity' as we know it couldn't have survived as anything we'd recognise as human, so I, as this funny little man on Earth at this particular time, couldn't have come into existence!
Does all this about trying to get rid of me actually matter?
Actually, from my current perspective, writing this note in late 2017, it not only hardly matters but could all too readily be a harmful side-track if given more than a rather cursory glance, even though it's no doubt sort-of true in a way.
The point that we all need to keep focused on is how to get out of any current left-over impressions of garbage interferences and attacks and to make ourselves as immune as possible to any further attempts by the garbage to mess up our lives. My methodology cuts right through all the 'story', so that you don't need to know whether any of it's 'true' at all.
As to why I say 'left-over impressions of garbage interferences…', please see Underlying causes of human dysfunction now in past tense….
You simply pay proper regard to the simple mechanisms of the attack and use the simple and easy methods that I present on this site for dissolving those mechanisms and progressively immunizing yourself to further such interferences. Then it's also easy to see what a lot of inconsequential flatus (fart gas) all that story really was, even if it was 'true'!
Thought forms — free gifts from the doctors, which nobody tells you about
I've already mentioned the nice little toxic 'sweeties' or 'candies' that the doctors quaintly call 'medication' and dish out to suppress your symptoms and your humanity at the same time, but there's something else quite 'toxic' that the doctors hand out with total abandon — not only to the patients but to well-nigh everyone who they deal with. These free gifts are totally invisible, but they also help suppress the humanity of the lucky recipients.What on earth is this crazy man on about?
I'll tell you. Thought forms. Ever heard of them? They're used in 'magic', and, most virulently, in black magic, voodoo and similar traditions. When a person puts a spell or a curse on you, that person sends you one or more thought forms, which are troublesome constructs of programming in 'thought energy' of one kind or another that have been given a sort of autonomous existence and can be used as weapons to harm or control another person. They're stock in trade of the 'dark' practitioner.
I'd stress here that, as with anything non-physical, the concept of the thought form is really a means of describing a particular phenomenon of human experience and behaviour in a way that assists us in resolving problems arising from that phenomenon.
I can't categorically say that thought forms as such actually exist, but the only problem if I assumed that they don't exist would be that then I'd have no explanation for various highly troublesome phenomena, and no 'handle' with which I could actually get effectively addressing such problematical occurrences and actually stopping them happening.
So, just as with the concept of the garbage, thought forms are something that you couldn't prove to exist, but you could point to many seemingly weird observations that make best sense if you understand thought forms to be part of the picture.
Therefore, although in this section I make convenient categorical-sounding assertions about thought forms, these need to be understood to be part of a somewhat speculative understanding, which I give here simply because I myself have found it so helpful for finding appropriate solutions to particular issues and problematical types of interactions with people.
However, we ALL unawarely generate thought forms, many of which simply take hold on ourselves, helping us become more entrenched in our beliefs about ourselves and reality. That in itself is quite unhealthy enough! But, particularly where there are power / control related interactions between people, those people who are asserting some sort of personal status (whether real or imaginary) or control agenda over other people actually send thought forms completely unawarely to the other people, thus causing them to feel in particular ways deferential and maybe submissive, subservient or inferior to the person asserting the power / control 'message'.
Such thought forms tend to remain with the affected person because the garbage has ways of keeping them in place and preventing them from dissolving over a few weeks as they otherwise would.
So, my great news for everyone who's had dealings with any sort of doctor — and particularly psychiatric doctors*, never mind how 'nice' the latter may seem to be — is that they've almost certainly picked up from the particular doctor one or more thought forms that are stunting their ability to be truly themselves and to be self determining and fully responsible for themselves, and which are making them tend to be dependent on doctors and the whole medical healthcare system rather than live truly healthy lifestyles in which they're fully in charge of their own health and mental and emotional well-being.
* At least the vast majority of psychiatric doctors have strong patterns of wanting to exert control over people and to be seen as superior ("I'm okay, you're not okay" sort of thing) — even though they may be really nice people in many respects and may not be conscious at all of their problematical patterns and motivations. Indeed such personal power / control patterns generally keep their lucky owners quite oblivious of their presence.
The Good News is that anyone can get dissolving such seriously mentally disabling thought forms that the doctors have unawarely given them, through use of certain of the practices that I describe or point to in Some potent self-actualization / healing practices. Indeed, I describe there a practice particularly for dissolving thought forms, though for full effectiveness it really needs to be used in conjunction with one or more of the other practices mentioned on that page.
I came to get intimations of this issue in December 2007, when my own inner inquiry results were strongly suggestive that I myself had picked up significantly problematical thought forms from the psychiatric doctors with whom I'd had dealings, which were apparently to a certain extent hindering my whole self-actualization process (including clearance of the 'entities' — i.e., garbage interference — issue). My discovering this, however, was good news rather than bad, because I simply used the thought form dissolution procedure given in the aforementioned page.
N.B. A great way to maintain and reinforce such thought forms by a process of mutual resonance is to be an active member of any sort of mental healthcare 'service user group' or support group such as a Hearing Voices group where patients and ex-patients come together, perhaps socially. That's actually one of the most unhealthy things such people can do! Sad but true!
The only healthy way such people could come together would be in groups dedicated to self-actualization, in which they don't socialize, at least to any great extent, and spend their time on working together on truly effective self-actualization practices such as the ones presented on this site, and actually clearing the thought forms they're carrying, instead of talking about them and 'sharing' them with each other (more literally than they'd ever want if they really understood what was going on for them).
Conclusion
Like people putting fig leaves over the 'private parts' of statues of naked people (except far worse, because it does immense harm), psychiatric workers routinely stick diagnostic labels on people to protect themselves from even beginning to understand what they're really working with*. That has got to stop if people, and thus the human race at large, are ever to emerge from the morass of destructive unawareness and irrationality that are increasingly threatening the very continuation of the human species on Earth.
* I'm reminded of the shaggy dog story about the man in a train, who
finds himself sitting next to another man, who has a bunch of flowers sticking out of his ear on
that side. Eventually the first man plucks up courage and asks the other, Can you tell me, please,
why you have that bunch of flowers sticking out of your ear?
-To which the other responds: I'm
sorry, I can't hear you because I've got a bunch of flowers in my ear!
.
Now, if the man with the bunch of flowers in his ear happened to be a psychiatric doctor or consultant, his response would
have been a bit different: EITHER Sorry, I can't make out what you're trying to say because you
have a bunch of flowers sticking out of your mouth!
OR, more likely, something like"…So you have
a delusion that people have bunches of flowers sticking out of their ears. …Now, let's calculate
your dose of Haloperidol…".
My point here is that psychiatric workers have been getting their own covert interferences from the garbage, in such a manner that when anyone faces them with anything that in any way reflects issues that, in some form or other, they themselves have, instead of honestly acknowledging their own issues they effectively 'scapegoat' their patients, projecting their own issues (and a lot else) onto them.
On this site I point to the real way forward for ALL mental healthcare, and it's summed up in the simple terms self-realization or self-actualization, with a top priority on grounding. To find some excellent methods to achieve these, please go to Healing and self-actualization — the safest and quickest way, and also follow the links given on that page for particular methods. Please also see How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.
Ideally that would simply mean each 'patient' or 'client' (as well as ALL psychiatric / mental healthcare workers) being fully self-directing in using self-actualization methods on themselves. Although that isn't the 'real world' at the moment, because few at this stage would take up any sort of self direction, there is a really practicable way forward in bringing self-actualization process into mental healthcare.
That simply involves the psychiatric and mental healthcare workers taking up self-actualization methods themselves, using them on themselves on an ongoing, daily basis, and then after they've been experiencing significant positive change over at least some months (and they're still using the methods on themselves), to start guiding patients / clients, whether individually or in groups, through using certain of those methods themselves.
On this site I present or point to a number of such methods. A particularly powerful and effective one to get groups of patients doing regularly is Self-Power Walking, and another is Grounding Point, which I present on the same page. On the individual consultation / counselling side, guiding patients / clients through the inquiry process of The Work* is by far the most (genuinely) helpful approach, instead of all the time-wasting psychology / psychiatry based approaches, which all have the common factor of using various demeaning sorts of intellectualization that deny the people's humanity and point everyone away from addressing and resolving the real issues.
* It's best to have both these methods at hand, because they have their own different strong points, and, each person being unique, some respond better to one of those methods while others respond better to the other method.
Why do I NOT recommend 'mindfulness' training?
In a section in my page Crisis emergency self-help — Life upturn the SMART way I explain just why I turn my nose up at what people are calling mindfulness, even though real mindfulness isn't just good but tremendous, and the way we need to be going. Basically, despite its superficially appearing to help a lot of people, the currently fashionable 'mindfulness' is an incomplete, imbalanced, travesty of full and complete mindfulness, and has an insidiously harmful aspect derived from the regular meditation used to achieve that 'mindfulness'. See also the much more recent page Dissolving the ego — Why one could never achieve that aim.
By contrast, my own methodology opens up and cultivates the proper, proactive mindfulness, (which is what I call clear-mindedness or mental clarity), which involves recognising issues and resolving them instead of hiding those issues and developing a passive, issue-avoidance sort of life mindset, which latter is what people tend to develop from use of the standard, meditation-based version of 'mindfulness'.
As well as using such methods, there needs to be a firm and universal policy in ALL psychiatric institutions and services, to be proactive about getting patients / clients to STOP SMOKING and to understand clearly that their smoking has been a major aspect of their problem, whether or not they'd realized that before.
There's no good reason for pussyfooting on this issue on the basis that it would be intruding on personal freedom, because (a) the service or institution has no business to be purporting to be helping these people if it backs away from addressing a quite crucial aspect of their problems, and (b) it actually already shows no real respect for patients' freedom anyway, because of the compulsory nature of the administration of drugs and other 'treatment', plus all the compulsory detention of patients.
So, currently what's harmful and ineffective (i.e., to genuinely resolve any problem) is compulsory, whereas what would be a genuinely beneficial compulsory element (i.e., to enforce quitting of smoking) is shied away from. What arse-about-face logic!
As in ALL medical establishments, staff can't be effective in helping clients / patients to quit smoking if they themselves are smokers — so another requirement is that ALL psychiatric / mental healthcare workers (indeed, really ALL healthcare workers, of any type), at all levels, who currently smoke must themselves fully and permanently quit smoking in order to be properly effective in their work. The need is for those who are unwilling to do so (even with assistance offered) to leave the profession or indeed to be sacked if they won't go voluntarily.
So, to sum up from this whole page from the viewpoint of my own personal experiences, although I withdraw nothing that I've previously said in criticism of psychiatry, it was possible for me to find a very human and loving face to my more recent situations involving it — even though I continue in a friendly manner to put out strong challenges to psychiatric and mental healthcare workers to change their outlooks and their ways.
A lot of this comes down to how we're all mirrors to each other's issues. As we come to understand when we use The Work, when you have in your mind particular judgments on a situation or a person, it's because that situation or person is mirroring issues of your own which you'd do well to resolve (please take that on board, all psychiatric workers!), and which various of the self-actualization methods given on this site enable one to resolve so amazingly simply and quickly if they're awarely and consistently applied.
Because of all my self-healing and specifically my thorough ongoing use of The Work from March 2006*, I'd cleared a small but quite significant quantity of 'my' emotional issues** before the time of the September 2006 hospitalization. Thus I came into the hospital only with masses of love and no judgments on anyone, and this reflected straight back to me and dramatically changed the way I experienced the people, the situation and the whole hospital setup.
* True, as far as I can tell, but that was nothing compared with the effectiveness of the methods I took up from May 2007, when almost at once The Work had become redundant for me.
** i.e., actually not mine but those of the parasitic lost souls attached to me.
It has amazed me how various individuals have written in to me or posted in forums summarily dismissing my insights and my healing / self-actualization methods on the basis of their particular beliefs, while in the real world, through applying careful observation and clear thinking to all my experiences, however 'difficult', I actually pieced together my own working model / hypothesis of what was happening, and was able not merely to 'recover' from particular crises but was able use each crisis and indeed each single attack as a 'handle' for my progressively immunizing myself to such interferences and disruptions and indeed to turn my life around and make of it altogether something greatly more positive, joyful and creative than it had ever been before.
I haven't yet heard of anyone achieving such a thing out of such a dire situation as I was in —
and indeed presenting his/her methods for doing so on a website for others to use. What are people so afraid of in my achievements that they have to dismiss me in such
terms as flawed
, misguided
, mentally disordered
, delusional
, paranoid
, schizophrenic
, something not quite right about him
, deeply disturbed
, impostor
, arrogant
, narrow-minded
, intolerant of others' views
, seeking to thrust his beliefs upon others
, driven by a huge ego
,
and so forth? — Amazing indeed!
…And from an early 2022 perspective, just look how far I've got now in use and indeed validation of my methodology and my whole mindset and modus operandi — no, not just for myself but for all human-type beings in all of 'Existence':
Project Fix the Human Condition
>> Hot Topic
-
“ 'The astral' now closed! —
Universal life upturn follows… ”
(Terms and conditions may apply)
Finally, I wish to point out that I nowadays have a page on this site that's particularly for people who are in a crisis situation, to help them come out of it double-fast and, in many cases, never have such a level of crisis again. The page in question is
Crisis emergency self-help — Life upturn the SMART way.
And I remind again that I also have a page especially for psychiatric workers (though extremely useful educational reading for anyone) — How all psychiatrists could begin genuinely to help their clients.
And really, finally, finally, as I've already remarked:
Let's look forward to some future time when nobody has good cause to issue such a caution!
Appendix 1 — How to get the best out of a psychiatric hospital
It's time now for me to briefly put together what my experience has shown to be helpful for getting the most sympathetic and accommodating and genuinely helpful responses from doctors, nurses and other mental healthcare staff, both in and out of hospital, and generally, to make the best possible experience of your hospitalization.
Okay, I seem to have been particularly lucky in not getting any of the many 'bad apples' in the mental healthcare services, but in no way does that detract from my conclusions; it's just that with less aware and sympathetic staff it would have been more difficult for me, but I'd have still got the best possible out of them through responding to them positively and seeking to assist them in assisting me.
Indeed, I was well aware of non-critical problematical tendencies in various of the nursing staff, but sought always to tiptoe round those and engage with their positive aspects. As with people in general, even some of those nurses who seemed very aware and to be quite supportive let their side down once in a while by intruding upon me by giving me unsolicited, unwanted and plain unhelpful advice about how I supposedly needed to sort my life out — as though they knew anything really about my lifestyle and life situation anyway, or genuinely understood what a really healthy mode of living would be like!
However, I think that generally I succeeded in getting the message across, that such advice wasn't helpful and wasn't what I'd come into hospital for — and, thankfully, such advice wasn't a really significant feature of any of my stays in hospital, and really was nearly all restricted to my second hospitalization.
Certain nurses had strong authoritarian, controlling 'streaks', which could have caused me some difficulties if I hadn't spotted them and thus hadn't been careful to engage with the more human aspects of those people. There were the odd patients who had a very rough time in being controlled and restrained by nursing staff — though, as already remarked, they were bringing it on themselves by being disruptive in various ways, and were actually giving the involved staff no option but to take what action they did (bearing in mind the limitations of awareness in their training).
Also, two of the nurses seemed to me much more like patients than nurses, because they themselves were so submerged in quite severe emotional issues (and indeed 'entity' / garbage interferences), and particularly needed to be sorting themselves out before trying to help anyone else. I see such people as quite unsuitable to be in caring services or professions at all, and it seemed to me bizarre indeed that those individuals were employed as psychiatric nurses — except that it fits nicely into the pattern of the 'blind' and mentally distorted trying to lead the 'blind' (and often not so 'blind'!) and supposedly mentally screwed up.
Would you believe this: the guy 'X', who I mention in Part 1, in my account of my first hospitalization, was actually trying to get a job as — yes, you've guessed! — a psychiatric nurse, and seemed to have some idea that he could get such a job!
Fair enough, his discernment was all screwed up by his garbage and 'entity' interference and his enormously harmful cocktail of mind-numbing poisons that were bizarrely being called 'medication', but nonetheless, it does appear to reflect on the nature and state of psychiatric institutions at the current time, that such a person be thinking of 'psychiatric nurse' as the most natural line of job for him to take up.
I'd add, however (writing this note later, in 2008), that actually, without the load of problems he was carrying, he'd very likely have naturally gravitated towards a caring profession (though NOT anything psychiatric, which he would have recognised as an abomination), because he was what I'd recognise as a no-soul person (as I appear to be), and thus, aside from all the superimposed distortions, was fundamentally a deeply caring and loving individual and potentially a strong natural healing influence.
One nurse who I encountered only a few times, in one of the hospitalizations, seemed okay until
I said something about my developing understandings of my situation, and he at once got
self-righteously dismissive of what I was saying, stating something like No, I'm not interested
because I'm a Christian and don't agree with any of that!
. That was 100% unsupportive and
unprofessional, and a sort of response that ALL mental healthcare workers should be trained
never to give, ever.
Really, holding a religious belief makes ANY person unsuitable for mental healthcare work of ANY kind — but at the very least, if anyone with such belief has to be employed, then it's essential that it be clearly laid down to them that their beliefs are to be kept out of sight at all times in their dealings with patients / clients. Retraining, redeployment or dismissal needs to be mandatory if they're found to be in default over that.
Another small point that in my view wasn't all right, which I noticed in my third hospitalization, which occurred in quite warm weather in September, was that patients were being nannied at for wearing shorts. Indeed, I was wearing shorts initially, and at a quite early stage some hints were dropped to me that shorts were not exactly 'proper' clothing for that hospital, even though it was warm enough and shorts were more natural and comfortable.
Some other patients were spoken to in a much more forthright and nannyish way over the same
matter, such as Xxxx, isn't it time now you were dressed properly?
I'd say that that was no way
to speak to any patient, particularly when the only 'issue' was their wearing shorts rather than
long trousers.
I note that, during brief stays in the main hospital for small operations on my backside in 2010 and 2011, absolutely no issue was made of me or anyone else wearing shorts. So, just why should patients in the psychiatric unit be treated any differently?
I'm aware, too, that I was very lucky in having no major problem with fellow 'patients'. In my second hospitalization there was one woman who for a couple or so days was convinced that I was German and thus (in her view) a Nazi, and made a lot of bad atmosphere towards me. But then, after my having made discreet representations to the relevant senior nurses, one of whom then had a quiet word with her, she woke up to my not being German and a Nazi after all and apologized profusely and indeed resumed saying flattering things to me, though I still sought to avoid her (in as friendly a manner as possible) because of her strong energy-sucking pattern — the latter being a feature of a high proportion of psychiatric patients.
And in my fourth hospitalization there were two individuals, one with dementia (and surely even more in the wrong place than most of the other inmates), both of whom I learnt to steer well clear of, lest either of them get 'stroppy' with me because of my not buying their own intrusive, energy-sucking agendas — but really that was all.
So, leaving my little niggle points behind, here follow my recommendations for the smoothest possible passage of somebody as 'patient' in the psychiatric unit…
-
See all staff members as fundamentally decent well-intentioned people, and any problems with them as arising from the system within which they're working, and / or their own emotional issues and 'entity' / garbage interferences.
-
Allow yourself to like the staff members as people — even ones with whom you disagree over certain things. If you genuinely like them they will feel it and will like you, whether or not any particular individual shows it openly. If you can actually think of them as friends (in a non-attached sort of way), that's even better, and they will feel that way about you.
-
Show an interest in them personally. Even just a really meant
How are you?
,Wow, you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning!
, orYou look tired / a bit down; has it been a stressful shift?
, and then really paying interested attention to what they say (rather than immediately shifting emphasis onto your own issues), does wonders to make them like you and see you as a nice person who they want to be kind to and really help rather than just wielding power over you.They aren't used to 'patients' who actually take a friendly interest in them, so by doing so yourself you're onto a winner. Their work is stressful, and a 'patient' who pays attention to them in unstressing and gently caring ways won't only seem very nice but also remarkably sane — provided it's done in a natural, sensitive and non-intrusive manner.
Operating in this manner also helps balance your own perspective on life, making your problems seem more manageable.
-
If at all possible, seek to understand your situation or 'condition' from other, non-medical sources. If you have holistic insights gained, say, from this website or some similar resource, then sensitively but firmly explain about that to the doctors and tell them what your true healing needs are and what they're not.
Make it clear that you know that drugs and ECT only hide symptoms (at best) and don't resolve the real problem(s), and therefore are no true healing solution. Refer them to your information source(s), for example giving them links to relevant pages on this site.
They may well disagree and almost certainly would require you to take a bit of medication, which it may be necessary to diplomatically accept, but the more command and understanding you have of your situation, the more the medics are likely to accommodate reasonable wishes of yours, at least to a point, and the more it would be a genuine learning experience for them even if they appeared at the time to be unreceptive to your ideas.
-
If you lack specific information about your own particular problem(s) with which to inform the doctors and other care workers, you can at least tell them of the importance of emotional release methods for yourself, because efficient means of clearance of old emotional traumas is a fundamental healing need in virtually all mental health and so-called personality disorder issues, and, crucially, you can tell them about the top priority importance of getting one's awareness properly grounded, which isn't achieved by any of the medical treatments 'on offer'.
So, you could include in your true healing needs stated to the doctors something like
Assistance / support in getting my awareness grounded and balanced again, and clearing my buried emotional traumas with efficient self-actualization methods like what Philip Goddard presents on his website
. It would thus be helpful to learn something about such methods, so that you can inform the doctors / nurses a bit. -
Relating to the last point, see yourself as fully responsible for sorting out your issue(s). You're taking on board some assistance, yes, but it needs to be only assistance for your own process of self healing. Most 'patients' abandon most or all of their responsibility for their healing and recovery, passing it to the medics and care staff, and the system strongly encourages this. That's a greatly unhelpful, non-healing approach.
- Go even further and see yourself and your problem(s) fully as a learning opportunity for the
doctors and other care workers. They don't necessarily know better than you about your issues, and
in important respects may know very much less (despite their confidence in their ill-based
diagnoses and labels), and can be assisted by you towards a better understanding.
However, it's necessary to be sensitive and give them the feeling of being gently assisted and not being bludgeoned by your views and told what they've got to think. I often find something like "I know this would probably seem weird to you, with your training, but my own understanding / experience is…" is a good start for an explanation to a doctor / consultant.
-
If you have a disagreement with any of the care workers — especially the doctors and nurses — it's best to avoid like the plague getting emotional about it on the spot. You can deal with your feelings of frustration, anger, etc. afterwards in private, and, if this is done responsibly (especially with methods such as the The Work or, even better, Self-Power Walking or the Grounding Point procedure), would gain you great respect for your responsible self command.
Getting emotional in a disagreement with doctors / care workers pushes all the wrong buttons for them and makes it much more difficult for them to really pay proper attention to you and take on board anything important that you say, and makes it much more likely that they will then wield power over you (usually actually because they're then afraid of you and your emotions and feel that they don't really know what to do about you and have to somehow bring you under control).
I've no doubt that it's been this sort of issue that has led to many 'service users' in Exeter having reported negatively on their experiences with the Crisis Resolution Team, while, with the odd minor exceptions, I've had only positive experiences from them, with much supportive friendliness. The exceptions were simply:…
Click to read more / less…-
One member of the team, at least during my really difficult times in 2005, clearly had insufficient depth of awareness to be suitable for working in such a job, and when, under pressure from further attacks from the 'entities', I telephoned the Crisis team and got her on the line my heart sank, because I could feel at once that she was completely out of her depth.
She asked a variety of questions that were all not quite 'on the ball', and she gave pointless and not properly focused advice (which I didn't ask for and didn't want) and was quite incapable of supportively listening to me because she had no clue what I was going on about — all this stuff about 'astral beings' attacking me and all that. But I kept my cool (though my inner exasperation may well have shown a bit) and simply had to 'write off' that particular contact with the Crisis Team and look forward to getting one of the good ones another time.
On a much later occasion I got another rather similar person, though in that case it wasn't only the awareness issue, but also the point mentioned below about people wanting to get me off the line pretty soon, and I really felt pretty let down by her for her lack of true supportiveness and clearly having no idea what being a supportive listener really entails*.
* One good illustration of that was her response when I sought to explain to her my need then for the odd friendly chats with Team members to better ground my awareness. In a bored-sounding tone she remarked
Oh well, if that's what you feel you want…
-but in such a tone that she might just as well have saidOh well, if that's what turns you on… But I'd much rather that you'd just run along now like a nice man, so that I can get on with my job!
. -
One particular Crisis Team member, who was in a more recent visiting party at my abode, not only had a bit of an awareness problem but actually had a seriously dark and twisted 'energy', and by use of inner inquiry supported by Helpfulness Testing I established that the prime cause of this looked like being soul fragments that were attached to him.
If that was indeed the case, however good his conscious intentions, he really wouldn't be suitable to be employed in any sort of caring profession, until those soul fragments had been cleared off him. (The means for achieving that are presented on this site.) There are a lot of care workers around generally with such problems, and thus who are currently really unsuitable to be care workers in the first place.
-
In my contacts with the Crisis Team in 2008, all I needed in order to get my awareness sufficiently grounded to clear the particular crisis attempt was a few chats with supportive people. On that occasion I found that, apart from the odd particularly aware individuals who I think understood more deeply, there was a tendency for them not to be really that interested in me and to want to get me off the phone line pretty quickly.
The general unspoken message that I was picking up was that if I was so much in command of my situation and just needed to talk with some people, the CRT had other priorities.
I did keep explaining that I lived on my own and had no accessible supportive friends to turn to, and the CRT people all still said apparently the right things, and
Yes, do feel free to call us anytime — that's what we're here for
and all that, but I could feel from their 'vibes' and also their no longer calling back or offering visits, that because I was no longer considering hospital as a possible requirement, nor taking medication, I was simply too 'well' to warrant their assistance.It seemed to me at the time that most of them didn't see themselves as properly doing their job if all it amounted to for a particular person was a small number of friendly chats. I've no means of knowing, of course, whether that was a fully correct interpretation of my impressions.
Having said that, however, I do have to report that in late 2009, when I had cause to call the Crisis Team after over a year free of crisis-level attacks, the Team seemed to be every bit as forward as I've known them in doing their best to be helpful — and this at a time when I'd have thought they'd be having still more pressure on their very limited staff resources.
Just maybe somebody there had read my comments above and got the message — i.e., that I was in no way wasting their time whenever I called, and that my just having that 'lifeline' of a few supportive people who I could talk with briefly, and who would check up on me that I really was okay and handling my situation effectively, was if anything more of a life and sanity saver for me than the sort of actions that would have been indicated from their training and routine experience with people in crisis.
However, it may be that the difference this particular time was that my initial call to them had been in response to a potentially quite dangerous type of garbage attack that I'd just had in the middle of the night, and I'd actually asked about the possibility of immediately getting into hospital or at least some sort of respite care for a couple of nights. On the other hand it might be that I was just unlucky on the 2008 occasion and they happened to have their hands rather full just at that time with other people in crisis coming to them needing urgent attention.
Yes, this is because they have their own emotional issues, which for the most part they aren't addressing and healing. Their training has little or nothing to do with their getting themselves healed and really sorted out. — Crazy!
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After your hospital stay, at some appropriate point(s) it's really cool to write a letter to the doctor(s) involved and the nurses on the ward and indeed any Crisis Team if they were involved, thanking them for their support and telling them positive things about your hospital experience and how your situation is developing, and giving them any further insights you have gained as to the true nature of your problem and what has and hasn't worked for you in addressing it.
I was told that my letters to the Crisis Resolution Team and to the staff on the wards had actually been pinned up, so it looks to be a good idea to print any such letters on one side of the paper.
Not only does it feel great to write such letters, but if you have to call on those people's services later on, they will be delighted to see you again and will find it easier to give of their best for you, and will understand more about what's really going on for you.
They'd also be more likely to accommodate any insights you have concerning your problem, if you have been showing that those insights have been demonstrably helpful for your recovery / healing process.
Appendix 2 — Somebody, please remind me what psychiatry and so-called 'mental health' is supposed to achieve!
EITHER…
- Degrading, disempowering 'diagnoses' that are nothing more than prejudicial labels;
- Any professional counselling or 'analysis' has the general effect of trying to remain in denial of the real, underlying cause of any issue, and usually to dwell upon analysing or responding to details of the issue's 'illusion side', so actually reinforcing the garbage involvement — and it's almost always disempowering;
- You have to undergo 'treatment' — drugs, ECT (all very harmful long term and intrinsically disempowering);
- Attempting to hide problems and, at best, to patch a person up to be able to 'cope' — much being made of 'coping strategies';
- Normality (i.e.,a normal level of dysfunction) is the ultimate goal, NOT healthy, full functioning;
- By the same token, if you're enlightened and relatively advanced in your self-actualization process, you're liable to be diagnosed as somewhat disordered, and thus as a person who needs 'treatment' for certain of your areas of abnormally good functioning;
- If you talk at all of the garbage — the real cause of much if not all your problem(s) — you're at once seen as at least somewhat disordered;
- You accumulate harmful and disempowering thought forms and sometimes even 'entities' (soul fragments or/and elementals), picked up from doctors, mental healthcare workers and also other 'patients';
- Your awareness progressively dulls, contracts and becomes less deep.
- Result - If you're very 'lucky' you might become less
aware of your issue(s) and thus just possibly become a bit more comfortable and 'normal' — but
you'd always tend to depend on the medical and psychiatric services — the supposed 'experts' — when
things get 'difficult'. Your life experience is dull and limited, even if you believe you're
'happy' (actually not knowing what real happiness is). You aren't anything much of a positive force
for other people.
Unless you're exceptionally lucky, your problems would get progressively worse, for they've been aggravated and added to, and you'd thus become progressively more open and vulnerable to garbage interferences and 'entity' attachments.
Your physical health wouldn't improve, and indeed would deteriorate further over a long period. You may take medication to try to hide the real problem by countering some symptoms, but that can't stop the overall decline in your health.
Also, for the rest of your life you'd be carrying a social stigma — of having been labelled as 'mentally ill', whether or not you'd been really ill at all. You'd be denied all sorts of job opportunities and also could have problems with various types of insurance.
OR…
Philip Goddard's self-actualization methodology — Introduction
A whole methodology for PROPER, proactive mindfulness and the ULTIMATE MENTAL HEALTH
- Applying clear-mindedness to the issue, and recognising its real underlying cause and the true nature of the latter;
- Effective measures to progressively resolve the issue — all of them joyful, beneficial and profoundly and comprehensively life-enhancing self-actualization methods — all of them self-empowering, and most of them grounding;
- Full and healthy functioning is the goal — NOT normality, NOR what people expect of you;
- Because you're working on yourself, using the resources of your own deepest aspects, and not requiring anyone else's assistance, your self-healing methods can't cause you to pick up entities, thought forms or other 'energy nasties' from anyone;
- Your methods progressively strengthen and immunize you against garbage interference / attacks and entity attachments;
- You progressively gain in extensiveness and depth of awareness.
- Result - You become progressively LESS normal,
because you're becoming FREE, more clear-minded and more and more happy in a joyful, vibrant sort
of way. Your life experience becomes more vivid, abundant and positive. You're a strong positive
force for other people — being a natural catalyst of other people's beginning to move towards
self-actualization and gaining inner clarity and freedom.
Your physical health would improve (mostly very gradually) over a long time. In areas of your physical condition where actual improvement isn't possible, at least any deterioration would considerably slow down.
There's no should
or shouldn't
about any of this.
I understood and made my choice. Your choice is yours alone to make!
"It's really cool to be normal…"
A sideways look at what it means to be 'normal'…
Are you really so sure you want to be 'normal'?
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