My Little Brush with Psychiatry

Visit 1 - Out of the hell-fire, into the...

What led up to this?

The full background is given in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. Basically, when I started channelling (supposedly from 'higher', and thus supposedly positive and beneficial, non-physical beings) in October 2003 I innocently dropped myself right in the most delectably deep, brown and festering shit, because:

• I didn't know (as indeed few people yet know) that channelling ALWAYS works through an extremely troublesome influence that I now call the dark force (or, when I choose to be more informal about it, the Universal Kak, or simply the Kak or the Garbage), and
• I also didn't know that the dark force had had me already targeted right from the beginning of my life, to manoeuvre me eventually into a situation in which I'd weakened my subtle or non-physical aspects sufficiently for it to be able to take me over and make me one of its puppets or to destroy me. Well, that appears to have been the intent anyway - if you can really talk of a quasi-autonomous complex of rogue programming in thought energy (a bit akin to a computer virus) having an intent...

So, the big troubles for me that started with my channelling from October 2003 onwards marked the onset of that concerted and long-set-up 'campaign' by the dark force. In those final months of 2003 the emphasis was on giving me lots of convoluted 'story' that was supposed to be about myself and my purported broader context, including alleged (but actually fictitious) past lives of mine and a purported major destiny of mine for the whole human race, which was supposedly to come to fruition in a matter of a very few years. All that included much serious and reckless trickery, which was causing me much confusion and getting to cause problems through disruption of my life and also causing friends and acquaintances to start to back off and see me as 'getting a bit loopy'.

In the beginning of 2004 the attacks started with a vengeance, and that was a desperately trying time for me. Allegedly it was 'ascended masters' and even 'Divine Consciousness' itself attacking me, supposedly as "testing and training" for my alleged future very major and prominent role. However, these attacks ceased after a particularly severe attack crisis event during the spring, and I then assumed that I was out of serious trouble, though I still got quite a bit of trickery in my channelling. This was always put down to interference by 'astral beings' in what were supposedly basically genuine communications from allegedly real 'higher' beings.

It was towards the weekend of 9/10th October that year that I was getting increasing intrusiveness from my non-physical 'guidance', with very aggressive visual 'no' flashes* to various of my thoughts, and more purposeful and convoluted 'story' was being put to me, with something pretty weird and 'spooky' going on during a hiking outing of mine on the 8th October. My 'guidance' (really the dark force, though I didn't realize that at the time) was getting more and more pushy over the next few days, dragging me through some very harsh experiences that were claimed to be essential self healing practices to help me clear out particular past life traumas of mine, and it was insisting that I had to go through a whole lot of "testing and training" too.

* In The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences I explain about my means, at that time, of receiving inner communications from non-physical sources, and how I came to be getting those effing intrusive visual 'no' flashes.

It was thus that it came about that I was being subjected to a series of severe ordeals for a week, particularly over the five days / nights leading up to Sunday 17th October 2004. By the latter day I'd had five consecutive days/nights with no sleep at all and it was amazing that I was keeping going at all - especially when one knows what I'd had to endure during those nights. 

I was in great confusion during that time as to the true nature of my 'guidance'. I know in retrospect what the problem was. A particular part of my awareness had become seriously weakly grounded and this had resulted in my having become breathtakingly gullible towards what the non-physical 'guidance' was telling me, and so I was unwittingly letting the dark force kid me that I was still getting some sort of 'higher' guidance even when I was being directed to muck around with Satanism (though at that time it wasn't always being called that), because allegedly I had to connect with purported (actually fictitious) 'dark' practices in certain previous lifetimes of mine (again fictitious) in order to fully heal myself. Thus the dark force was able, to a fair extent, to walk all over me. So, yes, I even got taken through the odd Satanistic practices, including a horribly exhausting long evening of a very gruelling Satanistic solo sexual practice. Amazing that there are people who (on the surface) actually choose to do such things to themselves! But then again, that 'choice' would simply reflect the extent to which they are being manipulated or indeed controlled by the dark force.

For my current understanding of the true nature of the dark force (note that, for good reason, I use the term in the singular, because there is actually only one 'dark force'), please see The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

On the particular Sunday, 17th October 2004, it appeared to me that I had a lethal curse* working on me. It had come to my notice the previous day and had given me a rough night, still yet again with no sleep. It was supposedly put upon me by 'astral beings' and was going to cause my abdominal organs to liquefy, resulting in my death, and then, allegedly, I would fall into a succession of the hells that pretty well all the traditions had come up with** - though actually the delectable collection of hells dreamed up in the teachings of Buddhism were the prime focus, and they were 1,000,001% too many as far as I was concerned! Just to rub my nose in this juicy prospect, my 'guidance' was taunting me more and more frequently with a strongly disturbing smell, which was allegedly that of roasting human flesh***...

* It was really just a severe attack with a cocktail of fear-related emotional trauma energies from the dark force, which latter was attaching a menacing 'story' to the attack.

** For an explanation of what hells really are, please see Night Hells (Night Terrors) and Hearing Voices.

*** My understanding now, on the basis of interrogation of deeper aspects of my own consciousness, and supported by the results of energy testing on the subject, is that the smell was actually that of a sacrifice being carried out as part of a Satanistic or black witchcraft / black magic ritual. The smell actually had two components. One was a rather sweet but (to me) very disturbing smell that had been given to me a lot during the ordeals over the previous few days (it first started being given to me when I was dragged through the previously mentioned gruelling Satanistic sexual practice session), and I understand this to be of a concoction that was kept at the altar, where participants in rituals would anoint themselves with it. The other component of the smell - i.e. the one that was new on this particular Sunday - was indeed that of burning flesh.

The burning flesh was actually most likely that of an animal, though the possibility that on at least one occasion an actual human was sacrificed can't be ruled out (some black magic cults are known to sacrifice human babies even nowadays). Such smells that were presented to me were actually past life memories that were not mine but were held by one or more of the parasitic lost souls attached to me. - But, as I say, I knew nothing of that at the time, i.e. in 2004.

I couldn't dissolve this 'curse' and was feeling absolutely ghastly with it at the solar plexus (a deep, menacing ache there with a hellish quality about it whose awfulness is impossible to describe). It really seemed that there was nothing I could do about this, because there appeared to be nobody who had a proper understanding of whatever was going on, and thus nobody who could genuinely assist me - so actually I was pretty well resigned to my being very soon indeed to die*.

* Contrary to easy conclusions that no doubt many people jumped to about me, this didn't represent some stupid belief that I'd taken on, but was simply the best assumption that I could make at that time on the basis of available evidence. I still actually had an open mind about everything - but it would have been plain stupid of me to be so 'open minded' that I simply didn't engage at all with my very real experiences and operate on the basis of the best working assumptions that I could in the circumstances. If I'd operated like that I'd have been completely out of touch with reality and extremely ungrounded and thus in much greater danger than I was in the actual situation through my very practical and common-sense outlook on the weird proceedings that were intruding upon me and so disrupting my life.

As a clutch at a straw, I phoned the healer Christopher Strong in Evesham, who had assisted over the phone to enable me to come out of a serious 'astral' (i.e. dark force) attack crisis in April of that year, and he made a few suggestions for getting my awareness out of the 'nasty' that was going on for me - in particular for me to take a gentle walk somewhere very open where there was grass and trees, and keep my gaze level-to-rather-upwards rather than tending to downwards as it would so often be, and then to phone him again for him to see what else needed doing.

That was actually very good advice, and I followed that, shakily having a little walk down by the River Exe and wondering how I'd keep myself from keeling over - but it was not obviously dislodging this curse or whatever it was. As I started returning towards my flat, I have to admit, having no idea what else to do, I clutched at another straw and went into the little church by The House That Moved and asked the very nice and well intentioned two women in there, who were apparently members of the team running that church, to pray for me because it looked as though I was being possessed by demons and at the moment was not succeeding in clearing them out, and it looked as though I was now close to being killed by them. (I deliberately used language that would mean something to them and encourage them to try to be genuinely supportive in some way). I take my hat off to them, that they didn't lay a Jesus or God trip on me, and, most concerned, they said that indeed they would pray for me. Just that little bit of human contact had a certain 'comfort value'*.

* Although actually 'comfort value' can often be problematical, in diverting one away from where one really needs to be pointing, on that occasion that sense of 'comfort value' was because in a very small way I had truly benefited from that encounter - albeit briefly. It was NOT the church nor the religion at all, nor any praying. What it was, was simply my awareness having got briefly very slightly more grounded by my having an interaction (and indeed sharing just a brief word about my seemingly acute problem, without any of the 'story') with two friendly and kind hearted people who were doing the best they knew how to be supportive. As I was to discover in my hospitalization experiences, that grounding of my awareness by having the opportunity to interact in positive ways with supportive people around me was the primary immediate need in all my attack crisis situations.

I say that, however, without prejudice to the general principle, that involving oneself with a church or religion in any way simply compounds one's problems, at least in the long term, because of its increasing one's unaware involvement with and openness to the dark force.  
Also, as I well understood even then, praying is a particularly ineffective way of focusing a positive or indeed healing intent towards somebody - but of course in the particular situation the two women simply wouldn't have understood any request for a different and more genuinely helpful way of focusing their intent, so I was being, one could say, commendably pragmatic in asking them to pray for me.

Understandably, when I reported to Christopher Strong that I'd been into that church and asked the two women there to pray for me, he sighed and said (as I understood even then, quite correctly) that by doing that I'd actually made things a bit more difficult for myself - though he then reassured me that that wasn't "the end of the world", and he spent a minute or two doing some sort of remote healing action; he just asked me to "wait while I do a thing or two...", and then gave some further advice such as avoiding dairy products in my diet, and, more immediately, getting myself a light lunch of scrambled eggs on toast - something I hadn't had since I'd left my parents' home in 1967! Just why it had to be scrambled eggs on toast, I still have no idea! 

Actually, in retrospect I think that getting myself that scrambled egg on toast was quite a helpfully grounding thing for me to be doing at that time, especially as I was then following a suggestion from a supportive person who clearly had some degree of understanding of my situation, but also because doing something somewhat different from my regular daily routine would very likely in itself just then have been having a bit of grounding effect. However, it evidently wasn't providing sufficient grounding of my awareness to get me out of my seemingly dire situation then.

However, if only I'd had some means of knowing at that point that everything was really all okay and such attacks from the dark force are actually not fatal, nor indeed nearly as harmful as the dark force itself makes them out to be, and they simply tail off after a time (indeed, much more quickly if one does grounding things of the sort that I was trying to do at that time), my attention would have come straight out of the feedback loop of trauma energy that constituted the attack, and much of what follows below need never have happened. So, it was not that Christopher was suggesting useless things to me, but simply that I was at that point lacking a key factor that would have enabled his very appropriate suggestions to be fully effective for me and lead me to come quickly out of the attack.

On the other hand, an important part of my awareness had got so ungrounded that undoubtedly I'd have been struggling with a whole succession of further major confusions and attacks, so, what actually happened just a little later on that Sunday was most likely the best thing for me on balance, as it was to give me a clean break, which, despite all its 'downsides', would enable me to start the process of gathering my wits sufficiently to eventually be getting really clear of all the dark force interference and attacks.

This was particularly true because an especially important aspect of any such 'clean break' - if it were to be really effective for me - would be that it would get me away from healers and similarly poorly grounded people who would on the face of it appear to be much more suitable and supportive company for me. Although I didn't recognise the problem about such people till much later, the issue was that the ungroundedness and (sadly to say) serious dark force connections of such people could only tend to exacerbate my problems by resonating with my own aspects of ungroundedness and thus inhibit my getting my awareness better grounded. I could also have picked up further problems from such people, such as what one could describe as 'foreign energies' or indeed troublesome 'entities'.

Incidentally, the recommendation about avoiding dairy products was a nice try, which Christopher had also recommended in my original crisis consultation with him in April 2004 - but my retrospective energy testing indicates that actually dairy products were not enough of a problem for me for them to have a significant bearing on the particular issue, though my simply paying attention to a diet change would have helped a bit in improving the grounding of my awareness and thus temporarily somewhat reducing my vulnerability to dark force attacks.

Before that, and indeed sometime about mid-morning, as another bit of final straw-clutching, I'd mentioned my pressing problem to my immediate neighbour and had suggested that if she knew anyone who was experienced with assisting people with demonic possessions, to put them in touch with me pronto, because it looked as though I would be dead within 24 hours*. I wasn't in the slightest expecting my telling her that to achieve anything, but it seemed only fair to her to let her know in a nutshell what my situation was, so at least she'd be braced for my imminent death rather than, maybe, have the shock of just finding a body.

* I was actually pretty peaceful at the notion of imminent death, because when I crossed the threshold of enlightenment in 1997 I at least largely lost my fear of death, and so even though I now seemed to be in a dire situation I was doing a pretty good job of peacefully living 'in the present' despite what appeared to be going on for me.

Actually, I think there was an additional reason for my peacefulness at that prospect - my own deepest aspects keeping me in touch with a deeply sourced understanding that I was just going through a difficult experience and everything was fundamentally okay for me, and I really wasn't dying at all. So, I had this underlying 'gut feeling' that the apparent menace of my situation then was just another experience that would pass harmlessly like the other menaces that I'd had from my (actually dark force) 'guidance'.

However, evidently and most understandably she'd got a bit worried and her inquiries had set something in motion, because while I was shakily tottering around in my little kitchen, doing my best to prepare that scrambled egg and toast, wondering how much longer I'd be able to keep going at all, two very nice policemen called at my door, wanting to come in and have a little talk with me because "neighbours have been getting worried about you". The policemen urged me to go to the main hospital with them, where I could get some support and maybe treatment as necessary. I said, no, this wasn't a medical issue, but the policemen, while being extremely friendly and seeming genuinely interested in me and doing what they could to help, hadn't come here to take 'no' for an answer, and, being a bit fuzzy round the edges by then and not relishing the oppressive solitude of my flat for my place of dying, I acquiesced.

In any case, perhaps at the hospital at least I could have a dying space that had people around and wasn't so cheerless as my own flat would have been for that purpose. I'd make it as clear as possible to all concerned that I didn't want resuscitation, drugs or life support measures, for if I was really meant to die then, there was no point in delaying it, even if for some arcane reason I really had to go through all those hells as part of some sort of training.

And so it came about that I found myself waiting for some four hours in the waiting space at Accident & Emergency at the RD&E Hospital (Wonford), screened off from the waiting hordes, feeling inexorably worse and worse. This was a tremendous practice in patience - though it was a sort of muted practice, because I didn't really know what there was for me to wait for, except for my very shortly dying. Well, at least it was a tremendous practice in remaining peaceful in the face of whatever all this really was, and this apparent immediate prospect of my dying and then allegedly falling into all those delectable hells - and all the time being taunted increasingly frequently with whiffs of that supposed 'roasting human flesh' smell to remind me of that prospect!

Eventually someone came to see me and told me they were now going to transport me to Wonford House, effectively the psychiatric unit of the main hospital. "NO! Not there!", I exclaimed at once - a bit shocked, actually, because it hadn't crossed my mind that what was happening to me would get interpreted as a psychiatric issue - 'mental illness', of all things!

"Don't worry", they said. "It's just that you'll get a more peaceful bed, and it won't be treated as a physical problem there." Well, as I say, I was pretty fuzzy round the edges - more so by then! - and it seemed that I wouldn't be alive much longer whatever happened, so again I acquiesced as I didn't know anything better to do anyway. The whiffs of 'roasting human flesh' didn't go away, but indeed intensified, as though to gleefully say "Yes, we've got you now...!"*.

* Actually it was a bit more literal than that, because in fact that was a definite 'fanciful' impression that I had right then, of a gleeful 'presence' gloatingly repeating to me "Yes, this is it! We've got you now!", and, as I now recognise, the dark force had at that moment actually been intruding covert 'pseudo-thoughts' into my mindspace to give exactly that impression - the real aim presumably being to try to get me freaked out. But I remained consistently and most inconsiderately un-freakable, simply accepting 'What Is', however it was - indeed, with a certain underlying joyful fascination, because this was all new experience!**

** That may sound crazy, but actually it's part and parcel of being enlightened. When you are truly enlightened you don't judge experiences as 'good' or 'bad' in the way that 'normal', non-enlightened people do, and there tends generally to be a certain level of joyful fascination in being peaceful observer of even the most difficult experiences - particularly if they are new and unfamiliar types of experience - even though they aren't at all experiences that one would choose to have.

Enter my prison

Part of Wonford House, including the main entrance. On my memorable first 
 acquaintance with the hospital it was late afternoon, with fading light, so the building had a 
 much more sombre and brooding appearance than is shown here in this later photo. 
 Now, if self realization replaced psychiatry in such establishments we could take 
 down those "Abandon hope all ye who enter" notices that currently have invisible 
 pride of place above every doorway!

My heart sank as I was escorted into Wonford House - curiously, in a wheelchair although I could walk (okay, at that point, probably totter!) perfectly well. It was an extensive old building with high ceilings and seeming to have masses of stagnant, 'dark' energy and, I thought, some problematical entities (spirit presences), all no doubt left there from problems brought in with previous psychiatric patients. I could feel these energies keying in with my desperately dark and nightmarish feelings from the 'curse' (i.e. really the dark force attack), clutching at me and pulling me down further. What a nightmarish place for me to have to die in! 

As I was taken through, I noticed one curious feature in the main stairwell: a very coarse net of what looked like grey rope, suspended across the vertical space between the floors. It looked for all the world like a grotesque giant spider's web in some haunted mansion taken from a B-grade movie. It wasn't till later that I realized that it must have been put there NOT to make the place look still more spooky but to stop any patients from trying to commit suicide by putting themselves over the rail to free-fall down the stairwell. Not the greatest of morale boosters!

It was a long traipse along corridors that all had a dismal, cheerless, lifeless feel about them, eventually to reach the particular ward. I was registered in at the ward office, had the odd belongings and my money taken away and put in safe keeping, and then, after being offered, I think, a tail end of some sort of minimal evening meal, I could go to bed, having been given two tablets. The nurses were pretty determined that I should 'take' something, even though I said "no mind-affecting drugs", so I gave in to having, as a one-off, just one small sleeping tablet and what I think in retrospect must have been a 5mg Haloperidol tablet (as I found out later, Haloperidol is an antipsychotic). In any case if I was soon going to be dead anyway, it wasn't going to make much difference.

The medicine room, where inmates collected and took their various tablets and other medications, was to become very familiar to me in a bizarre sort of way - as it was generally open, often with queuing inmates, four times a day: immediately following mealtimes and last thing at night. The door of that room had a label on it saying 'Clinic Room' and a room number. You recognised it by its situation next to the dining room - the rationale presumably being that the medication was the final course of each meal. Some bright spark should have given it a different name so that there would be no doubt about its purpose - Sweet Shop. Okay, for American readers - Candy Store. Perhaps if, up and down the country, people had stuck such labels on the doors of those rooms of iniquity in their respective psychiatric units, somebody somewhere would have started to get the message...

I was allocated a single room, near the ward office, not in the corridor round the corner with the other male sleeping accommodation (including shared rooms and dormitories). This, as I understood later, was regarded as a 'special observation' room. Like the doors of the other patient rooms and dormitories, that of my room had a small square window in it, so that nurses could peek in once in a while (shining a torch in if necessary) to see that I was still in there and not hanging myself or slashing my wrists or whatever. Well, at least here it looked as though I could have a peaceful death, undisturbed by other inmates - and even at that point I was feeling a little bit of relief.*

In the event, for about my final week in this hospitalization I was moved to a single room in the main men's accommodation area - though fortunately not quite as far down the corridor as the main 'pong' area, which centred around the dormitories - something I comment on further below.

* Actually that relief stemmed from an inner awareness, just beginning to glimmer up into my conscious awareness, that I was already beginning to get better grounded, enabling the end of this crisis to be already beginning.

Once in bed, in addition to the horrendous feelings of the 'curse', one of the earlier ordeals was returned to me: as I lay there wanting to go to sleep, I was assailed by a strong nausea, having to endure that while just lying there concentrating on my deep breathing, while the inner voice was plying me with various way-out scenarios relating to me and my current situation, like one involving a massive wave of intense psychic attacks supposedly occurring that evening from Satanists all over the planet, focused on my flat and causing a large meteorite to smash it into a deep crater in the ground (thus allegedly the real truth was that I'd been manoeuvred into the hospital to save me from being destroyed in that little catastrophe).

Once in a while a torch light was shone into my room through the little window in the door, and even on the odd occasion a nurse slightly opened the door and looked in; we may even have exchanged a few words, though I can't remember about that for sure on that occasion. This felt surprisingly comforting, and seemed quite bizarre, because at one level I was so sure I was in a late stage of the dying process and was captive of something nasty beyond imaginings, which nobody understood, and yet here were periodic indications that people here were really interested in my wellbeing, and also nobody in the slightest seemed to have any thought that I might actually die there - weird! I didn't realize at the time, but this was already helping the process of getting my awareness better grounded, and so was something very positive.

One thing that did surprise me rather - indeed in quite a pleasant sort of way - was that a bit of slight gut ache resolved into an actual, albeit small, fart. ...Now, why would I ascribe any significance to just one little fart, of all things, and actually mention it here? -- Because liquefied abdominal organs (including presumably intestines) would have made such a happening impossible! According to all the story I was getting at that time from my supposed 'guidance', my abdominal contents were already in an advanced stage of their liquefaction, so if anything came out of my 'back end', it would have had to be a very nasty mess indeed - not at all an elegant little fart!

And indeed, although it was never admitted by my dark force 'guidance', if my abdominal organs had really been in even the slightest state of liquefaction I simply couldn't have been alive by then for a fart or indeed anything else to happen for me! However, at once then I was being given the story that there was no point in taking heart in that fart, nor indeed in anything at all, for soon it would be a very different story and I'd die excruciatingly, promptly passing on into all those hells - though I still took heart in my little observation and kept a very open mind about what was really going on...

For a short while I had the impression of actually being taken towards those very hells. I was given visual images in an 'astral realm' (a type of illusory reality), as I'd now recognise it, of my passing on through an intensely dismal and increasingly twilight unpeopled landscape in which there were forbidding-looking grim cheerless grey houses that looked as though they could be of metal rather than any sort of bricks or stone, and I passed by the odd strange futuristic-looking tallish columns, each topped with a large globular polyhedral structure - looking completely mystifying as to their purpose / significance. Those too were of a grim, cheerless grey, as indeed the whole landscape seemed to be. It was all disturbingly impersonal in appearance, indeed with an indescribable quality that I can only label as 'hellish', and it all seemed familiar to me (not in any nice way at all!) from a very long time ago, as though I'd been to hell before...

... And then I woke up, having actually had a fair amount of SLEEP (Alleluia! ) and being aware that the 'curse' seemed no longer to be working on me. Later on, in fact I learnt that the curse had been a simulation anyway, given to me allegedly by my higher consciousness*, so in truth my innards hadn't even started dissolving.

* The story of my supposed higher consciousness communicating to me was bullshit! Or, to put it more discreetly, a lot of old dinosaurs' testicles! That 'curse' had simply been one of the many varieties of severe, crisis-level attacks that the dark force could put upon me. I describe the mechanism of such attacks in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks and Anatomy of a Dark Force ('Astral Entities') Attack Crisis.

And, as it's necessary for me to keep explaining, the widely held notion that we have an apparently partially separated-off 'higher consciousness' is another pernicious fiction, much embraced in the New Age movement and actually sourced from the dark force.

A whole new meaning for 'voluntary patient'...

So, on the Monday I was a bit weak and weary, but it appeared to be all okay and I wanted to get out*. Could I, hell! Even though I was supposedly a voluntary patient and free to leave, I was kept in - and my following my guidance to seek to escape just led to my being stopped each time and clearly being regarded as some sort of unstable miscreant who had to be kept in. Monday evening, and I had directions from my 'guidance' (i.e. of course the dark force), to put up a stronger resistance against the nurses' attempts to keep me in, which led to my being hustled off to the so-called Extra Care Area, where difficult characters such as myself could be restrained as necessary without the other patients seeing what was going on. I was put in a guarded seclusion room with a foam mattress on the floor, so I had to do my best to sleep on that.

* Well, er, actually there was a whole lot more to it than that, because - yes, you've guessed it! - the notion of my trying to get out of there was being put to me repeatedly by my 'guidance' with supposed great urgency, still as part of some alleged grand plan involving me having some major role for all Humanity and therefore it being absolutely imperative that I try to get out at the earliest possible moment, that day, for this hospitalization was on the verge of completely wrecking the great plan through its taking me out of action. A succession of variant plans for my immediate escape from there were pressed on me by my 'guidance', generally involving my running like the blazes once I'd managed to slip out of one door or another (except in practice I was always stopped at the door by one or other of the nurses), and then to get picked up by a car that would be waiting for me down the road - and then everything would be all right and the other members of 'my team' would sort things out with the hospital, police or whoever was trying to find me.

Actually, the notion of me running like the blazes - or indeed running at all - at that time was a bit hilarious, considering the actually pretty debilitated and somnambulent state I was in, thanks to the wonderful, life-enhancing medication that I'd been given!

During that night, while lying there on the floor of that seclusion room, I had more directions from my 'guidance'. This was still part of the supposed tests that were being given to me. These directions related to a challenging scenario that was in fact another bunch of fiction, but I couldn't at that point be sure that it was so, which was why I wasn't just ignoring the directions*. As part of that scenario I was supposed to allow myself to be transported non-physically to a location in Newton Abbot, a little way south-west of Exeter, in order to get joined up with my team who were supposed to have some forthcoming leadership function for all Humanity (rather bizarrely, the name Dominic Muldowney kept getting mentioned as an important member). However, several apparent attempts didn't work and I was directed to put up a big show of agitation to get out, so that I would be sedated, and then when I was sedated it would all work. So, being a quite good actor (indeed I'd been in a local amateur theatre group some years before), I acted my part and duly got sedated by the ward doctor. Then still nothing happened and eventually I got a very little sleep, I then having to assume that the scenario that my 'inner guidance' had given me was all fiction. Thus I resolved to have no further truck with such 'inner guidance' for the time being, and just to concentrate on being myself.

* Actually the underlying reason, which could be recognised only in hindsight, was that the seriously ungrounded part of my awareness was still only in the early stages of getting more grounded, and so at that point I was still extremely gullible towards the dark force's interferences and 'story'; otherwise I'd have dismissed it all summarily as a lot of old bairy hollocks.

However, just being myself and visibly well was one thing, but I had already set the machinery of the Establishment in motion. When I came out of the isolation room and met my guards (nurses) I had a piece of paper given to me explaining that I was now put under the provisions of the infamous Section 2 of the Mental Health Act of 1983 - I had been 'sectioned'. This allowed me to be kept in hospital against my will at the discretion and whim of a psychiatric doctor (!) for up to 28 days (extendable through Section 3 of the Act), and so now the violation of my basic rights was legitimized and I couldn't leave anyway. Of course that would hardly have mattered if the psychiatric doctors were effective healers, and, first and foremost, would understand and properly respond to my own healing needs...

Monday and Tuesday at 'medication rounds', I meekly accepted an evil-looking yellow tablet that was 'in the book' for me, prescribed by the ward doctor. As I remember it, this was Diazepam, otherwise known as Valium. Just why I, with such a strict policy of not taking mind-affecting drugs, accepted such medication even for two days, I don't know for sure, though I rather assumed that my 'higher consciousness'* wanted me to get a little 'inside' experience and so encouraged me to be weak-willed about it. Anyway, the medication did nothing to make me feel good, and for those two days I was in a relatively dull and rather somnambulent state, and my speech was somewhat slurred - presumably the state which the doctors wanted me to be in (!), as distinct from my much more vibrant and challenging natural and healthy state that would become apparent once I'd stopped taking that stuff.

* As already noted, I now recognise that the whole concept of a more or less separated-off 'higher consciousness' is one of the inventions of the dark force for the purpose of luring us into channelling and thus getting involved with the dark force.

However, in this particular case my current 'take', using energy testing to back up my intuition, is that my own deepest aspects (i.e. my true deepest and wisest parts) were quietly seeking to indicate to my ordinary mind that there was a case for taking those harmful tablets at that point for the sake of a bit of 'inside' experience. This was in the knowledge that I was not going to keep taking them and that somewhat later on I would be healing all the harmful effects from medications and other environmental stresses and damage that I'd accumulated during the whole of my life - as indeed has been happening with increasing effectiveness since I first bought an Energy Egg in 2006, and in 2008 developed the much more effective Clarity-Sphere.

My awareness getting better grounded...

On the Tuesday and Wednesday I managed to get visitations from my immediate neighbour in order to be brought a few essentials from my flat. No cause to mention such a triviality here of course - except for the fact that this did considerably ease my mind about two things. Parallel with the big stories I'd been given by the 'inner voice' on my first night in the hospital, about a tiny asteroid or large meteorite having smashed my flat into some deep crater in the ground, was another yarn that was intricately linked with all the confusing 'story' about the supposed great plans for me as some sort of world leader, which had been running through the series of ordeals that had led up to this hospitalization.

That 'alternative reality', put to me in an accusing / pitying tone, was that I was already finished and broken, and the whole purported 'Human Plan' was wrecked as a result. Allegedly the attempts to get me transferred into a new body (an actually fictitious plan that I explain about in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences) had failed because I had proved myself not to be up to the great leadership role planned for me (thus having let down the whole of Creation), and the 'Human Plan' itself was now in disarray, with nobody else truly suitable to take Humanity forward in its allegedly planned great step forward in its evolution. The young man (allegedly Mike Mousley*, which is a name out of one of my novels) whose body I was supposed to have been transferred into was now established in my flat, I was told, and he had been given my identity, and he was even right now using my computer. He had all my official IDs, and he even had had all my relevant personal memories transferred to him so that nobody could dispute who he was. So now I myself was (allegedly) abandoned, discarded by all higher powers - just a tragic husk of a human with no future and nowhere to go, and to be left to die miserably with no further point or purpose in life, and with my body rapidly deteriorating and in particular my neck soon to cause me excruciations as it progressively disintegrated.

* There was a typical distorted logic about 'Mike Mousley' having been chosen, for this was part of another of the convolutions in all the 'story' that the dark force had been giving me right through the ordeals. In the relevant novel (Dead Pigs) I'd had Mike Mousley doing nasty things to people, though there was a clear and highly bizarre reason why he was never (until the end of the novel) able to recognise that he was actually harming anyone, and then at the end he'd entered his own, apparently self created 'hell', which was also a pretty good representation of the severe punitive 'karma' that many people misguidedly believe in. Actually I put the record straight with regard to what karma really is, in Karma - Cutting Through the Confusion.

The dark force at various times sought to use 'Mike Mousley' in attempts to get me intimidated and emotionally wound up (though it didn't succeed), on the basis that allegedly I was the most monumental hypocrite in the whole of Creation, and here was I, pretending to be a so-called 'spiritual teacher', having treated my characters and particularly this Mike Mousley so unspeakably frightfully in my novels - so now, as the 'inner voice' kept telling me, there was no escape for me, for I had broken the Laws of the Universe, and the karma of the Universe would now descend on me with all its severity, and there was no way I could 'heal' that sort of karma or wriggle out of it... You get the sort of picture? 

I didn't actually believe this nor disbelieve it, but just faced it all with a peaceful open mind*. After all, I had no means to know what the true state of affairs was - except that my immediate neighbour at home had just come with some essentials from my flat and not mentioned anything untoward!! That implied that the meteorite catastrophe was definitely fiction and that virtually certainly the Mike Mousley scenario was fiction too.

* I appreciate that to the vast majority of people, that would appear to be strongly dysfunctional in itself and a sign of me being mentally ill. The reality (sic), however, is that such a peaceful open mind is the natural state of every one of us - which points to how almost universally dysfunctional are people generally, including ALL who are regarded as 'normal'. Particularly when you become enlightened, as I did at the beginning of 1997, you open up to your own peaceful open-mindedness, which persists even when you are having difficult times and on the surface are experiencing various emotional 'tribulations', as I pretty spectacularly experienced during all the ordeals brought to me by the dark force.

Yet despite that really quite watertight reassurance, it seemed that a part of me even then was actually still convinced of the Mike Mousley story, and I was feeling very unsure as to whether I'd really be able to get back into my flat or indeed live much of a life upon release from the hospital. As I well understand in retrospect from my much greater clarity now, some years later, what was really going on was that, with me still having a fair degree of ungroundedness of a particular part of my awareness at that time, the dark force was constantly and mostly covertly feeding into my mindspace 'pseudo-thought' messages that were repeating and reinforcing that Mike Mousley scenario, and by constantly doing that it was succeeding in building up an illusory reality in a particular aspect of my awareness that is only partly conscious.

Thus, although 'officially' I not only held no belief in the story but actually was sure it had to be rubbish, in practice I was also experiencing a certain level of belief in the story simply because it had been lodged by the dark force in that part of my awareness where my beliefs would be stored if I were holding beliefs. Thus, overall, I really just kept an open mind, having a certain rather nervous 'wait and see' feeling about the situation.

I think actually the dark force was failing quite magnificently in that trick, because I'm sure its real aim was to get that belief established sufficiently deeply in my system that it would either freak me out in a climactic sort of way, or/and, more insidiously and potentially fatally, bring about a sort of subtle energy feedback loop of self destruction though believing that I actually was then rapidly disintegrating, having lost all intrinsic 'life support' and life purpose. Yet in practice, my consistent open-mindedness and also my consistency in progressively grounding my awareness while I was there in the hospital, prevented any such thing from happening.

Still, I do have to say that, despite all the indications that things were really going fine for me, when I eventually did get away from the hospital and back to my flat and opened my front door to find everything just as I'd left it (including dried-up mouldering remains from that scrambled eggs and toast, and some blackened shrivelled bananas, all patiently waiting there for me to clear them up...), I sighed one massive sigh of relief, for at that time that was the only way I could fully clear myself of that illusory reality - to see for myself that it had all been fiction and everything actually was okay, 'in the real'.

This marks the end of my dwelling on the dark force interferences during this hospitalization. So now, back to my first week at the hospital - resuming my original account of the actual physical events. You'll now be able to see how I was progressively getting my awareness further grounded, having turned my back on that 'inner voice' (actually the dark force, though I hadn't properly understood that then) and all its fictions...

That's what they call taking the piss...

On Tuesday evening, two days after my admission to the hospital, I broke ranks and refused point-blank to have anything more to do with mind-affecting drugs, just continuing with a stool softener for my back-end problems (overtightness and clenching caused by the 'entities' (i.e. the dark force), and aggravating my mild haemorrhoids). Surprisingly, although I was greeted with great reluctance and shaken heads about that, I was not forced to take the evil yellow tablet and so I went without it, slightly nervously wondering what comeback I might get from the consultant about that. 

Unsurprisingly, on Wednesday I was much more my vibrant self again - though by then I was caught by a physical problem - possibly my enlarged prostate had decided it was time to act, for my normal difficulty in peeing when in strange and not very private places (the so-called shy bladder syndrome) escalated into no pee at all for well over a day, and I had to be catheterized (at that point I delivered a fat 1.8 litres - the overworked surgeon who catheterized me was impressed), then having a pee bag strapped to my leg until such time in the future that I have surgery for the condition. Oh what a catalogue of calamities!

It actually turned out that my prostate was not the cause, or at least the major part of it, and in January 2005 I had the catheter removed and was able to pee normally. Possibly the medication had aggravated the effects of my 'shy bladder' syndrome, but actually my being in such a place was, I think, plenty enough pusher of shy bladder 'buttons' to fully account for the trouble.

Subsequently I came to realize that almost certainly the 'astral beings' (i.e. the dark force) had been the primary cause of the problem, both aggravating the 'shy bladder' syndrome and directly causing my pee sphincter to constrict, with the intent of making me think I had prostate trouble and that my self healing methods were failing to resolve the shy bladder issue. 

Much more recently, being by then in a very advanced stage of clearance of my dark force interferences, and having means of interrogating my own deepest aspects directly (i.e. through energy testing), I obtained further confirmation that the issue was purely dark force interference. Indeed, the extra powerful self healing / self realization methods that I took up in mid 2007 and developed further in 2008 have resulted in a great diminution of the shy bladder effect, and also from late February I have ceased to have to get up at least once every night for a pee (which I'd had to do consistently for at least a decade until mid 2007), so that nowadays more often than not I have an undisturbed night. That's definitely one in the eye for any medics who think I need to do something about my prostate, and it helps support my energy testing 'reading' to the effect that not only is my prostate no longer enlarging but it is actually slightly reducing in size, thanks to my self healing methods and especially the Clarity-Sphere.

Meet the doctor...

On the odd occasion I was seen by the ward (psychiatric) doctor, who had the typical emotionally controlled and closed manner of a psychiatrist. Undoubtedly he was a likeable and well intentioned man in his own sort of way, but his 'vibes' were particularly disagreeable to me owing to his being what I then interpreted as reflecting his being an incarnation of an angel*, and therefore warm and potentially able to resonate very positively with me, but this effect was distorted by his defensive 'front' of the type that puts people into psychiatrist careers in the first place** - sort of "I'm the doctor and I'm emotionally controlled and therefore all right, and you're the patient and therefore not all right". I told him he was a "strong healing channel" (I meant, spiritual healing, which nowadays I recognise as problematical) and explained very briefly that he was actually an angel incarnation, and with virtually unchanged expression and tone he uncomprehendingly told me that actually he knew he was a healer - though, he emphasized, of a different kind (i.e. a psychiatric doctor). I almost choked on the diplomatic and decidedly unconvinced 'yes' that I uttered, having seen something of the evidence of his supposed healing powers in the patients in this ward - of whom more anon...

* I now have a different interpretation of his qualities that I had at that time interpreted as signifying his being an incarnation of an angel. I explain about this change of view in 'Old Souls' - People said to be incarnated 'angels' and other higher beings. Basically he was either a no-soul incarnation (as I am) or had soul-incarnated very few times, and thus potentially had unusually deep awareness. What was causing him to have such a lack of awareness superficially was a spirit attachment or possibly a partial walk-in, which was being used as a means for the dark force to control him. Without a doubt, if he hadn't had that entity issue, he'd have never had anything to do with psychiatry. You can read about partial walk-ins and spirit attachments in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

** This actually reflects a quite significant emotional problem of the doctors concerned.

I put it to him that I was perfectly well and should not be held there. In his quiet, controlled manner, he disagreed, saying that he wanted to keep me under observation, because on Monday night he'd seen for himself that I'd got quite agitated. That I'd been acting then and he hadn't noticed that simple fact, and I'd been perfectly well and stable since (apart from the debilitating - NOT healing! - effects of the initial relatively strong medication), didn't get through to him. It also apparently hadn't occurred to him that there was something a bit strange in the first place about holding somebody against his will to be kept under observation in hospital just because he'd got a bit agitated a few days before. After all, up and down the land people get very agitated - indeed often very much more so than I'd appeared to be during my stay in this hospital - and they aren't regarded as cause to be sectioned in a psychiatric unit. In fact, so pervasive and mind-numbing was the effect of this whole establishment that I didn't even think to put that very point straight to him!!!

Because I was held and effectively imprisoned under 'Section 2', my protestations that I had important work at home that was being harmed by my absence*, and which I needed to return to immediately, cut no ice with this man, to whom the only consideration was that he wanted to keep me in, under observation. Basic human rights meant nothing to him.

* This wasn't just bullshitting of mine, for there was a troublesome situation that was cause for me to be very concerned about being kept away from home and thus prevented from getting on with certain work on the computer. You see, late in the ordeals leading up to this hospitalization, the dark force - posing as my supposedly 'real', 'higher' guidance - had put great pressure upon me to delete my whole Self Realization & Spirituality (as it was called then) website, because, allegedly, it was no longer necessary - and I had 'caved in' and actually deleted it all, AND, under very great pressure indeed (by means of attacks and emotional manipulations), I'd deleted all my backups of that site as well.

So, while being held prisoner in the hospital I had visions of the whole site being lost, as the cached pages at Google expired after the search engine had 'spidered' my site again and found no pages there any more - and the longer I was held there in the hospital, the more cached pages would have expired.

Thankfully, in the event, upon my eventual return home I found that Google still listed pretty well all the site's pages, even though by then they'd been absent from the server for close on two weeks - so I was then able to retrieve and clean up for re-use the cached versions in Google's listing, and I thus managed to restore the website in just a few days.

Well, here's the ward -- now where's the cure?

What was there for me to do there? Well, I could take naps on my bed or I could pace up and down the two corridors of the ward. I could sit in the smoking room, where I'd be fumigated by other inmates and be a passive smoker and be subjected to various flavours of pop / rock music which were all disagreeable to me. Or I could sit in the television lounge and enjoy the programmes there. However, to me television is a sort of torture; I live my life without one, and am clear that I need one just as I need a hole in the head. So, apart from the odd very brief incursions into one or other of those rooms I basically kept to naps or in very leisurely fashion pacing up and down those corridors, day in and day out - well, except when I was writing up my personal journal for my stay there.

The men's dormitories and bedrooms were down one end, with the two corridors joining at right angles, the women's sleeping quarters being at the far end of the other corridor. Men were not allowed into that part of the corridor serving the women's sleeping quarters. To add a little entertainment, each time in my to-and-fro pacings I came to the section with the men's sleeping quarters, I became strongly aware of the pong. Yes, the men's quarters stank - of unwashed sweaty feet. Presumably it must be because many of the inmates hadn't had the best personal hygiene and the contamination and smell from their feet had got onto the carpet there. For the most part people didn't talk about it, and I could almost have imagined that I was the only person who noticed the rather gut-churning smell. Oh well, at least it reminded me that I wasn't in the Ritz!

Because I'd been 'sectioned', I was not allowed to leave the ward at all without an accompanying member of staff, and in fact during my time there I had only three short absences from the ward:

• The small-hours visit to the main hospital to be catheterized, accompanied by one of the nurses;
• I was in a friendly manner pressured to spend a bit of one morning down at Occupational Therapy, which I didn't bother about again as there was nothing there for me to do except have a friendly chat with the two staff who ran that pitifully underfunded unit. I had to be accompanied by a nurse to go down there and again for the return;
• One short stroll outside in the grounds of the building, accompanied by one of the nurses (a very nice fellow) when things were a bit quiet and he didn't have much demand on his time.

The nurses and indeed the hard-working woman who did the cleaning and put out our meals were all lovely people who helped make my imprisonment a positive experience despite its problematical aspects. I cannot blame the nurses for feeling constrained by a rotten system and so occasionally the odd ones crossing with me because of that constraint. Most of them were fundamentally quite 'open' and aware individuals, and for the most part their personal views on what patients really needed were closer to my own and they mostly knew that drugging the patients wasn't really the answer, but they just felt unable to speak out about the wrongness of the psychiatry mindset, which, via the doctors, ran the show.

The patients

As far as I was concerned, I myself was not a patient but simply a prisoner. In fact, during my stay I was increasingly open in using the latter word for myself rather than 'patient', and I could feel this putting some of the nurses and indeed some of the patients rather on edge - which of course was precisely my intention. Not that I wanted to create disharmony as such, but in this place to speak your truth meant inevitably a certain degree of 'rocking the boat'. If other people had previously been prepared to risk 'rocking the boat' in order to speak their truth I needn't have been in this situation in the hospital now.

Well? Where's the cure? ...Seriously!

What were the patients actually in there for? It seemed they all had some notion that they were going to be cured or 'get better', but, as far as I could make out, none had any idea of what really getting better entailed, and none appeared to have any coherent notion of any positive direction for their lives. Seeing that all the indications were that the doctors had no idea either, it was evidently a case of the blind leading the blind.

The patients were all receiving some degree of mind-numbing medication, and I was shocked (sic) to learn that some were having electro-convulsive therapy (ECT). I'd been under the misapprehension that this barbaric and destructive procedure had been jettisoned some time ago, but clearly I'd been mistaken about that. At least as far as I could ascertain, this procedure was not being forcibly given to anyone in a punitive way - something which I understand used to occur in psychiatric establishments (perhaps it still does in some). At least I got no indications that frontal lobotomy was on anyone's agenda.

ECT - the mind smasher

What was particularly appalling about the medication was that it was pretty routine for the various mind-numbing drugs to have various undesirable side effects, with the result that the affected patients were then given additional drugs to try to suppress those side effects. Thus most patients were consuming quite a cocktail of drugs.

I could not get a great deal of rapport with the patients, not just because of the various personal issues that they'd brought in, but I think particularly because of their drugged state. Most of them I found spoke very quietly and were very difficult to understand, and I have to assume that in at least a fair proportion of cases this was the result of the drugs they were on - especially as my own speech was markedly affected for the worse while I was on Diazepam. Another factor that also was helping to make them like that was the whole mindset of their being treated as patients with disorders rather than people with strongly positive qualities that needed uncovering through emotional release to resolve their personal issues so that they could 'grow' and stand their full height in body and mind.

Another distinct problem for most of the patients, relating to me, was that I myself was pretty well standing my full height in body and mind, and that tended to be felt a little bewildering and threatening in relation to what they'd been led to understand about their own nature - i.e. that there was nothing about them that was even worth their lifting their heads about. Not only that, but I was quite open with them about my seeing the whole psychiatry mindset as wrong and its 'treatments' as being unhelpful to say the least. Those points, then, were no doubt making it more difficult for them to relate with me.

Healing? -- Where?

The nurses sought to prevent any close or healing connections being established between myself and patients there. I had admonishments from particular nurses to the effect that any such healing connections would be interfering with the good work of the doctors - indeed they would interfere with the almost 100% ineffectiveness and even destructiveness of the doctors' 'care plans' for the patients, so could not be allowed. Also, to show warmth and closeness to another patient was completely not on, because the establishment had a 'duty of care' to ensure that there were no abuses, and it's a widely known fact, although of course not openly admitted by those who apply such policies, that up and down the land, psychiatric patients are seen as having no right to warmth and closeness at all (much as also tends to be the case for physically disabled people), unless perhaps from a close relative who comes visiting. Love, the great healer, was definitely not in order for psychiatric patients.

So, when one new female patient turned to me and started speaking about herself and felt my warmth and supportiveness, and started crying, and held onto me so that I put an arm around her, giving her a bit of direct attention, with no sense of desire at all, I promptly received an admonishment and a little lecture from one of the nurses. The sad irony was that the lion's share of what she needed to do in order to achieve a full healing for herself - light years beyond what the doctors' 'treatments' could achieve for her - was simply the clearance of emotional issues, and what she had tried to do with me and what this hospital was geared to try and prevent at all cost by means of drugs and even ECT was the most basic form of emotional release / healing*. Sick!

* It would be sort-of correct to say that all that was needed was full clearance of all her emotional issues (most of which would actually not have been hers at all but belonging to parasitic 'lost' souls attached to her), but at that stage I did not realize that the basic natural emotional release processes like crying are just too slow and inefficient to clear out major issues in a reasonable time. So, although actually avoiding crying was unhelpful, the real need in order to gain a useful degree of recovery was not crying but one of the much more efficient emotional clearance methods mentioned in Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way - and indeed clearance of her load of attached parasitic lost souls, which, again, is something totally unrecognised in psychiatric establishments.

I can say pretty definitely that for nearly all, if not all, of the patients who were in that ward when I was there, the primary healing need, apart from getting themselves more grounded, was for addressing old emotional traumas and fully releasing them - and that was the one thing that they hadn't a dog's chance in Hades of getting or being pointed towards in a psychiatric establishment.

I sadly observed one lovely young-middle-aged man who I shall call Y, who seemed to be going steadily downhill during my stay there. He actually believed that he was getting better, and was bewildered by my outspoken words about the doctors' attitude and their keeping me in without good reason. His eyes steadily developed a pleading quality, at least when he faced me, and he gave the impression of sinking into some deep mire beyond his control. He was one of those having ECT, and no doubt that and the drug treatment were numbing him to his previously uncomfortable emotional feelings so that he was being fooled into thinking he was getting better. [More about him further below.]

Another man was in for depression* and was just left sitting around on his own, looking dejected and doing nothing. He went down to Occupational Therapy for a while most weekday mornings, although, as I've already remarked, Occupational Therapy in this place was of limited usefulness because of lack of funds, and the one time I went down there (under a little friendly pressure from the odd nurses) all I could do was have a friendly chat with the two staff who were running that little department. It did, however, give a little safety valve from the boredom of life on the ward. (Curious - I thought love, not boredom, was supposed to be the great healer. Had I missed something?) Maybe that patient benefited a little through sleeping away from his home situation for a while, much as I'd done, but apart from that I should say that this hospital was one of the last places I would recommend for him or anyone seriously wanting to clear their depression.

* In The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks I explain what depression really is, and point to how it really needs to be addressed.

Beware of the schizo!

On the evening of Sunday 24th October another new patient was escorted in, who I shall call X. He was a tall young man who looked to be quite a handful, having about him the undisciplined demeanour of a yob and hooligan with a strong criminality element, and no doubt drugs issues too - but I could also see that he was what I interpreted then as a powerful 'being of light'*. Interesting!

* What I meant by this was that I could sense about him a very strong energy (of the subtle type that is felt by psychics and 'sensitive' people) that I recognised as marking him out as having what I understood at that time to be a very 'deep' spiritual connection and being potentially a very strong channel for spiritual healing. Associated with this, in my inner vision I could see a pronounced white radiance around him.

More recently I have gained a more accurate or at least much more helpful understanding of this type of perception of mine, and I now understand the impression of a faint white light around somebody as indicating that that person is inadequately grounded.  It generally tended to coincide also with having a particularly deep level of awareness. Indeed, X was extremely poorly grounded, which was a very major part of his problem.

As for what I was then interpreting as his having a very deep spiritual connection and being a strong healing channel, I now retrospectively interpret as his being, like myself, a no-soul incarnation, with all the resultant special qualities.

Later, I was slowly making for the kitchen, and X came up to me in the corridor and embraced me affectionately*, in full view of other patients and the odd nurse or two. Then, as I continued towards the kitchen, he put an arm around my shoulders, I seeking to disengage him, pointing out that it would be problematical with the nurses for us to be seen doing things like that (much as I had no problem about that otherwise).

* Although this came as quite a surprise to me, it was actually not a threatening or troublesome experience for me, even though I was also very circumspect about him. Indeed, it was a delightful and positive experience for me.

One of the many emotional problems that the vast majority of 'normal' men have in our culture, and which I largely lacked, was a fear or revulsion towards warm, affectionate embracing with other men. To me all warm and aware hugging is wonderful, regardless of gender, both feeling great and having important healing and relaxing effects. What is repellent to me in some people's hugs (of either gender) is not the act of hugging, but the usually unaware personal agendas that come with hugs from many people.

In the case of X, although I was very much on guard because of his evident very major issues, his embraces were remarkably unaffected and natural, as though from a child who'd not yet learnt to keep screwed up and emotionally 'closed'.

In the kitchen, where patients went to make hot drinks and collect fresh fruit to eat, X turned to me, looked me intensely in the eyes and said that he could see that I had a very open mind and he felt that I was the person he was looking for. He said he'd had 'guidance' (i.e. from some non-physical source) to get himself admitted to this hospital because there was a very special person who he was meant to encounter here in the hospital. I told him I was in fact a healer, so very likely was the one who he was meant to encounter. He then told me of some traumatic episodes in his life and asked if I could somehow heal him of the painful mental disturbance they were causing him. He also told me of a role of 'gatekeeper', which he had 'known' for much of his life that he would have to fulfil, and wanted to know what this was about. He also regularly 'heard voices' and had been labelled as schizophrenic.

I was able to discreetly attempt a little healing for him*, and channelled a little information which made sense of his situation. Allegedly he was the sole incarnation of a 7th dimension being. Allegedly, incarnations of 7th and 8th dimension beings were rare and almost always powerful beings of light. His gatekeeper role was, allegedly, a future role for the Network of Light around the planet. Subsequently I was able to 'verify' about the gatekeeper role with a 'lightworker' 'friend' of mine**. According to him the Network of Light would have a fair number of gatekeepers. I didn't know what a gatekeeper did, but it was supposed to be a role carried out by the person's 'higher consciousness', and not a physical task.

* Actually, the healing methods I was using then would have been pretty well totally ineffective for his issues, because the methods I was using were distorted by dark force influence, as is the case in all spiritual healing traditions, including Reiki. Would that he had encountered me with the arsenal of really effective healing and self realization methods that I have now!

As for my channelled information about X - it was all fiction, fiction, fiction! That channelled information came from the dark force, as actually does ALL channelled information, whether the apparent source looks to be 'dark' or 'Divine'. The story of the Network of Light is a very pernicious piece of fiction that's rife in the New Age movement, having been sourced from the dark force to cause major problems for people on a theoretically global scale. There is no such Network of Light, except in various individuals' dark force sourced illusory realities.

As I now understand it, as already noted, X was simply, as a no-soul incarnation, as I am, and that accounted for the strong 'energy' resonance between him and me, and for his seeming to have a very deep level of awareness and having a severe grounding problem that made him particularly vulnerable to entities and the dark force. He had major interferences from the dark force and the usual complement of attached parasitic 'lost' souls (as I had) but also had a powerful and very troublesome spirit attachment or partial walk-in (both of which are sorts of discarnate human consciousness in particular types of unfortunate predicament) - most likely a partial walk-in. It would have been the latter entity that was the major causal factor in his mass of emotional and behavioural problems, including his compulsive association with criminals and 'druggies' and thus no doubt taking on various of their ways.

He most likely really did get 'guided' to encounter me, but I'm not sure to what extent that was for the purpose of gaining him healing or to try to cause problems for me - though, on the basis of all my experiences with him I'm sure that his conscious attitude towards me has always been benign and indeed remarkably trusting, seeing me as a very positive person who he'd never want to harm or cause trouble for.

** Well, at that time I thought he was a friend of mine - but 'friend', my haemorrhoidal arse! That was ZM, the guy who was (unbeknown to me till late 2008), in 2005 and onwards, trying to kill me through a particular type of psychic attack, and whose sacred geometry wands had played a major part in weakening me so that the dark force could be giving me all these troubles and leading to my hospitalization! Yes ZM did corroborate the story about gatekeepers and the Network of Light, but that was only because the dark force was interfering with him too and giving him similarly false information in order to lead us all astray. I had quite a saga with him, as you can read in Troublesome Astral ('Dark') Beings - My Own Experience.

 As for X's label of 'schizophrenic', that was just a psychiatrist's way of shrugging off responsibility for really paying attention to the issues that needed resolving. Give the person a label for a disorder, and, hey presto, you've already done much of your job - you can then make some sort of attempt to 'treat' the disorder, and in the process you let the person down completely.

Early the following morning I was just dressing when X knocked on my door and I bade him enter. He sat down on my bed and said something about himself that caused him to start to crying - exactly what he needed to do - and I sat down beside him and put a supportive arm around his shoulders. At that moment, the door opened and one of the nurses looked in. Another admonishment - "You're not supposed to be sharing rooms, you know..." I can only imagine what that nurse thought had been going on between myself and X! But even if we had been doing that, so bloody well what?

I sensed then a difficult energy from various nurses; clearly news about X and myself had got around and caused a certain consternation, and I felt that I was soon going to get some sort of more detailed admonishment. This came after breakfast from one of the more senior nurses, who took me aside into a private room and warned me not to have anything to do with X, and made various dark innuendos about him. The innuendos no doubt had substance - I was quite aware from my own 'reading' that he was likely to have been and still to be in a lot of trouble with the Law and would need regarding with healthy circumspection. However, it was apparent that there was another side to him - the more human side - that all these people were failing to recognise, and he had come to me for healing and guidance and was showing a deep trust in me that was quite extraordinary for the sort of person who everybody was seeing him as. Neither were the nurses recognising my own standing as an enlightened healer as distinct from some old fool in his 60s who'd simply got infatuated with a young fellow who would take him for a ride and steal all his possessions and maybe murder him in his bed as well for good measure.

Later that day X managed to escape from the hospital, but returned the following morning, making a bee-line for me. He had a meeting with his psychiatrist there later that morning and indeed persuaded him to call me into the meeting to explain his situation. I take my hat off to that particular psychiatrist, who, despite saying he disagreed with my viewpoint, at least listened with concentration and then thanked me warmly for my explanation and admitted that I'd made sense for him of certain things about X which had had him baffled.

You see? The views that I as an enlightened healer have on such matters may look far-out from a materialist's viewpoint, but, unlike anything that a materialist can come up with, my view provides explanations that 'add up' and make sense of all aspects of our life, without having to recourse to "Perhaps there isn't any cause for that" or "That just happened" or "It was just chance that it worked out that way". I explore and demolish such nonsenses in depth in my article On the Nature of Reality and Truth.

Naturally my explanations at that time contained a variety of confusions and New-Age related fictions that I'd channelled unwittingly from the dark force, but nonetheless they were at least pointing part way to true healing approaches, which is more than could be said of the medical angle - and it was clear from what that psychiatrist had said to me, that he had absolutely no idea why X was as he was, or how to be really genuinely helpful to him. Nowadays I'd still point to a much broader perspective than the medical approach, but without the fictions and confusions.

X left soon after, having been 'de-sectioned', and then it was up to him to get in touch with me at home if he wished, for further healing / guidance as appropriate. Well, he'd benefited from coming into the hospital, but, as far as I could tell, that benefit was from his meeting with me there and nothing else. Schizophrenic, my arse! Some difficult issues, yes, but they needed understanding, addressing and resolving, not labelling as a disorder and then 'treated'. And, particularly important in his case, those difficult issues couldn't even begin to be understood without looking at him and his life from a broader perspective than the physical and 'mental'.

"We want to keep you under observation..."

I learnt that a ward round was due on my first Friday. The ward round was a sequence of meetings with each of the patients, involving the consultant, usually the ward doctor, and a nurse and possibly other helpers who'd been associated with the particular patient. This was where patients' cases were reviewed, and so I assumed that I could then make the case that I was perfectly well and be released forthwith.

In the event, that ward round was postponed from the morning because of the consultant having been called out, and then it didn't happen in the afternoon either. To my dismay I then found that I was stuck there for the weekend, but with a promise that I'd be seeing the doctor or consultant on the Monday and could put my case then. Prior to that Monday two successive very nice nurses who were both pretty 'open' and aware, and actually very sympathetic to me and my situation, interviewed me so that they could be supportive to me in any reviews with doctor / consultant, and indeed both got very interested because I explained to them about their own depth of awareness and how they were potentially strong healers themselves.

Getting reminders of Mr K...

So, I'd already been there a full week plus. On Monday there was no consultation with the doctor / consultant after all - but I did manage to buttonhole the doctor informally and spoke very directly to him in a manner that I think he was not well used to.  I told him in a friendly but forthright manner that I, as a perfectly well citizen, had every reason to be very angry with him for keeping me in against my will and when I was so clearly well and in an emotionally stable state, and it was very important that I be let out without further delay and allowed to get on with my important work*. Confronted like this, he changed his normal supercilious stance and sought to sound sympathetic, saying that he understood and would do his best to help when we met at the ward round on Wednesday.

* As previously explained, there really was some 'rescue' work that was quite urgent for me to get doing on my computer, but I didn't want to go talking of that situation to these doctors, because I was fairly sure that they would simply regard the story that I would have told them as more justification for their keeping me in hospital. I really wanted to keep right away from telling the doctors any of the specifics of what had been going on for me during the ordeals - something completely outside their understanding.

By this stage a funny name was starting to pop up in my mind. Kafka. You know of that fellow? The Czech author Franz Kafka, who wrote The Castle, The Trial, and other mind-numbingly dreary but disconcertingly salutary novels portraying labyrinthine, depersonalized bureaucracy. As I slowly paced up and down the two corridors I looked out of the windows across the courtyard to other parts of this extensive old building and thought of The Castle, which I'd given up reading when I was about halfway through, and chuckled. Was my story about all this here going to be so cheerless or so boring? But then I thought also of how I'd heard that even Kafka's short story Metamorphosis, which at least hadn't bored me and had made me cry my guts out, had actually caused its author to fall about himself with laughter. I have a pretty good motto for myself, and, come to think of it, for everybody else too - There's a laughing space in everything. Yes, I knew, the sillier this all got here, the better and more meaningful the story I would have to tell at the end of it all...

So, it dragged on. So stupid. All that the doctor really need have done was to recognise that I was okay and get to my paperwork and rescind the Section 2 rubbish right there and then. But they have 'procedures' of course, against which basic human rights are seen as nothing. And the fact that various of the nurses - very likely pretty well all of them - considered that I should not be still held there carried no weight because the system required that I couldn't be released without a signature from a doctor, and even then it wasn't for a nurse to simply go to a doctor and say "This man shouldn't be here [because...], and so please sign here to release him". No, one had to wait for the next formal session, regardless of any human rights abuse that was involved in continuing the imprisonment.

Thank goodness! We've found something at last!

On Wednesday the ward doctor told me I wouldn't have long to wait as I was just second in the ward round list. In the event I was put back till last - incredibly stupid behaviour, because it's that sort of thing that is bound to get any inmate's rag out, so to speak, and cause completely unnecessary aggro.

Were those doctors actually seeking to provoke me into some sort of aggro? Surely not - yet in retrospect it looks almost as though they were! Surely all the other inmates hadn't unexpectedly become truly higher priority than me, sufficiently to warrant changing the ward round list order to that extent?! Perhaps it was the ward doctor's way of seeking to put me in my place in response to my having talked to him in a forthright manner two days before and seeking to get out as soon as possible - who knows? If so, it was not only stupid but what I would describe as primitive and petty behaviour. It's up to such staff to set an example of healthy and intelligent behaviour - and only common-sense, seeing that inmates who are shown respect by them are more likely to show them reciprocal respect and thus make life more pleasant and less stressful for them.

Anyway, I was so sure that once my turn came all I needed to do was to just put my case, and I'd be released at once - but it didn't go like that. "I put it down to learning", as they say. The consultant and doctor asked me loaded questions about my special and positive qualities, and it was clear that they were perceiving each as a psychiatric disorder. I'd previously mentioned my having acted up at the beginning in response to guidance I'd received, so they were asking about that. "You mean you hear voices?"

Ouch!* However I described my 'guidance' in the face of the series of questions of that sort, it was clear that to these men of limited outlook my receiving guidance was none other than 'hearing voices' and thus to be seen as a psychiatric disorder. For them, the expression 'hearing voices' was like a Pavlovian trigger. I got the strong impression that their minds were loaded with a small and unedifying repertoire of such trigger expressions that rang the "DISORDER!" bell for them. Evidently experienced healers generally would thus also be seen as having a disorder that was causing them to 'hear voices', and cause their psychiatrists to salivate as they clocked up their little list of - er - disorders.

* It needs explaining here that up to that very point it had not occurred to me that ever since I'd started channelling I had actually been getting simply my own version of the sort of manifestation that doctors and psychiatrists routinely call 'hearing voices' (always with the woefully inaccurate assumption that it is just malfunction of the mind or brain and that there is nothing external actually communicating with the person). So, I was initially quite taken aback to have what I'd been regarding as my (albeit usually very troublesome) 'guidance' being interpreted as the supposedly medical condition of 'hearing voices'.

However, the plus side of this was that the superficially unwelcome surprise related above gave me my first really strong nudge towards beginning to understand the universality of interferences from the dark force, so that I could before long start to use my own experiences for the benefit of mental healthcare generally on a global basis - as I am now doing, largely through this website.

After having been through my various special qualities, not least my awareness of my having a 'higher purpose' for this lifetime (I think 'having a higher purpose' was another of their Pavlovian triggers), the consultant thanked me warmly for giving all this valuable information, which had raised a number of important questions - his tone implying that the 'questions' were actually instances of particular psychiatric disorders. I didn't trouble to ask them how many 'bells' had rung for them during their little interrogation.

The outcome was that they wanted to keep me in a bit longer yet, under observation, and would review my case again in the ward round on Friday.

I delivered an articulate bit of my general critique of their whole psychiatry mindset, which clearly embarrassed them, and I accused them of violating my basic human rights, but they knew they still had the upper hand because of that nonsensical Section 2 provision. I told them that I was thinking of taking out legal action against them for wrongful detention. They weren't worried about that, no doubt because they already knew that it would be unworkable to do so, as in fact I later established from a lawyer to be the case.

The consultant warned me that if I got cross with them it would make things more difficult for them to give me a favourable outcome on Friday - a sure sign, if any further sign were needed - that the whole issue here was really nothing to do with my health, whether it were physical or mental, but a blatant issue of wielding personal power over an inmate. Any ordinary person in my situation there would have had cause to be not just "cross" but more like irate at being kept in like this.

By this stage I had an appeal pending against my being held under that infamous Section 2, but the doctors seemed happy to keep me in until the appeal overturned their decision - knowing well that the hearing wouldn't be for at least a week yet and then it would be a few more days before the result of the appeal was notified. They clearly wanted a run for their money. My basic rights as a citizen were not a concern of theirs.

I was disturbed at the way that the nurse had kept quiet and didn't speak up for me in that session - though I say that not as a criticism of the nurse, who was a lovely and good hearted person, but of the whole hospital mindset that doesn't allow nurses to speak straight out to doctors. However, that evening a very friendly and sympathetic nurse on the night shift told me that the nurse who'd been in on my session had actually spoken up for me after I'd left the session, and had managed to get the consultant to see my situation in a more positive light so that I should have a more favourable outcome on Friday.

...And I eat babies too!

On Friday, again my name was put back to last on the ward round list*, but at least I did get seen, mid-afternoon. The consultant said that they were concerned about me because of my having got agitated on my first Monday at the hospital and because of all the 'questions' that had been raised in the last ward round. The consultant then asked me further questions. "I hear that you've been having sexual feelings for some of the patients on the ward", he started, as I groaned within - another Pavlovian trigger, which would undoubtedly lead to more...

* You see - again! I was really giving the doctor / consultant the benefit of the doubt while I was there in the hospital, for I wanted to keep my own experience as positive and as unsullied by any sour feelings as possible - but in retrospect I can draw only one conclusion from that behaviour!

They well knew that I wanted to be seen as soon as possible in order to get out as soon as possible (a consideration that didn't apply to the majority of other inmates at that point), so it appears that the doctors' behaviour was a deliberate snub for me. I suppose it was the way they routinely treated anyone who really spoke up for themselves and didn't 'toe the Party line'.

Actually it may not have been so much when I'd been seen with an arm around X that had now come back to roost, but rather, a certain breach of confidence on the part of one or two very nice and seemingly sympathetic nurses to whom I'd mentioned about the catheter (remember that?) causing me pain at night when I had erections, which latter had come quite frequently for a few nights because, it had seemed, X's 'higher consciousness' had connected with me and resulted in his sending me an erotically loving energy body or 'etheric double'* - a phenomenon that often occurred between myself and various people with whom I was very strongly connected. Anyway, whatever the exact communication pathway, the rumour had gone pear shaped as in that party game which, when I was young, I knew as Chinese Whispers, and 'one' had become 'some'. In fact I didn't have desire even for X, for as an enlightened person - something beyond the understanding of psychiatrists - I let go of desire whenever it seeks to arise, and instead I allow a mutual resonance of love, without any sense of attachment or clinging.

Love? What's that? This isn't a bordello, you know...

* That was the best understanding that I had at that time of the phenomenon, but inevitably it was based on channelled information, and that means that it had come from the dark force, with intent to mislead me.

Much more recently I gained a new insight into this phenomenon, and it turns out that many and probably the vast majority of such experiences that I'd been having were the result of the dark force seeking to manipulate me and get me to hanker after close involvement with highly inappropriate people. I was actually being given simulations of particular people sending me erotic 'energy bodies'.

In the case of X, I was resonating in a positive and healthy and loving but non-sexual way with his basic energy make-up, but the dark force was seeking to get me resonating with all his problematical tendencies (drugs and criminality and self gratification) by trying to get me associating that positive resonance with feelings of sexual arousal (themselves caused by a particular type of attack from the dark force) to try to get me to become emotionally attached to him and involve myself with him, in order to turn me away from my path of positivity and healing and happiness and into a maelstrom of depravity and torment. The dark force signally failed to achieve such a goal.

I now understand that virtually all inappropriate sexual desires that people experience worldwide are caused or at least greatly aggravated by attempts by the dark force to control the particular people and point them away from true, mutually respecting love and towards self gratification, thrill seeking and acting out power and control issues (which are all based on fear, not love), so bringing disharmony, unhappiness and indeed in some cases tremendous torment into their lives.

The questions that followed from the consultant about my sexual feelings and orientation were completely gratuitous and demeaning. He wanted to know whether I was attracted by men, by women, by children, and how often and even when I'd had sex this year... Amazing - that this man was allowed to call himself a doctor and claim to be some sort of healer! I could feel and hear his particularly strong interest in the question about whether I was sexually attracted to children. That was surely one of the real prime Pavlovian triggers for them! Surely I lusted after children - please let it be! But no, I didn't have a skeleton in my cupboard there, and so, that "DISORDER!" bell couldn't ring for them. Oh, how he wanted to discover abnormalities and disorders by the delicious dozen!

The dear soul actually missed a trick because he omitted to ask whether I'd 'done it' orally, but I guess if he'd salivated at that Pavlovian trigger it would have been a bit too close to the - er - knuckle. And then afterwards I realized I'd missed a trick too, because I hadn't told him about my ravishing of dead sheep during my hikes on Dartmoor and also my putting prime Tamworth sows in the family way during my raunchy farmyard visits. I like Tamworth pigs - they have style...  But then I knew I had to go a bit carefully because I was pretty determined that I would get out that day.

Later on, the nurse who'd been in on the session assured me that it was all okay and there had been no discrimination against me on the basis of sexual orientation, because the same set of questions was asked quite routinely of many inmates, regardless of their orientation. Oh great!

Another bit of creative rumour (or humour) relating to X showed up, because the consultant remarked that apparently I thought X was "some sort of Second Coming" (yes, his exact words!). Where the eff did he pick that one up? Could it be that this was another sexual reference?

Clearly the consultant wanted to find in me a messianic belief in some involvement of mine in a Second Coming, but it was a bit brazen that he arrived at that conclusion from my having told X and certain of the nurses (with X's permission), as any true healer could have done, that he was a very special person, allegedly with at least one very important role in the future*... But then, after all that joking of mine about these doctors' Pavlovian triggers, sadly we must remember that, for such doctors, who think almost exclusively in terms of disorders, the mere fact of openly acknowledging and cultivating a person's special and positive qualities appears problematical to start with.

* I inwardly groan on remembering this now, because of course this was referring to that confounded 'gatekeeper' role, which was all a very noxious fiction from the dark force. It had actually weakened my case a little, that I'd said anything to any of the nurses and indeed his psychiatrist about him having any future special life purpose.

Doctor, please cure me of my fixation on being let out!

Anyway, after all that, unsurprisingly the consultant said he still really wanted to keep me under observation. However, he was prepared to allow me out on four days' leave, still under the provisions of Section 2, so that I'd then have to return on Tuesday to see him again - this all told to me in a very grudging tone, as though my going home was not really in my best interests. I was repeatedly asked "Do you really think you could cope, back at home?"

These 'doctors' really wanted to see me as ill and needing their 'care'! I would say, if anyone was 'ill', it was them! Well, I didn't counter their question with something about a gay three-legged salamander perhaps not being able to cope when released from these gentlemen's clutches but as I myself didn't have a third leg to unbalance me... (you get the picture?) and instead just sounded somewhat surprised that they had any doubt about the matter of my copabillity at home.

My general impression was that the only reason that I was being allowed out at all at this stage* was because I'd made such a fuss and was making the doctors feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed by my forthright and articulate criticisms of their horrendously misguided psychiatry mindset and their claims to be healing people, and by my repeatedly and openly accusing both the system and them personally of abusing and violating my basic human rights. I'm sure they were not at all used to such responses to them from anyone who they saw as a 'patient'.

* My 'take' on this now, supported by some energy testing, is that it was almost certainly not the only reason, though it was still a major factor. My 'reading' now is that in fact the doctor and consultant were considerably bemused by my rapid 'recovery' from the initial disturbances, seeing that I'd had only a little initial medication, and they were unsure as to what to do about me. On the face of it, yes, I looked as though fully recovered and not at all in a state that warranted my being in hospital, but from their limited perspective I still seemed distinctly 'odd' to them (as I'd be bound to, as a no-soul incarnation), and they'd no doubt had various other inmates who had seemed to have phases of all-rightness and phases of supposed psychosis or whatever, and they were thus wary of my own apparent all-rightness so soon after a patch of what they would have labelled as psychosis, together with my various unusually positive and healthy attributes that they were clearly interpreting as some sort of either mental illness or personality disorder.

It was perfectly understandable, therefore, that they were reluctant in their willingness to let me out just then, particularly as I'm pretty sure that they had really been wanting to have more time in which they might persuade me that I needed ongoing medication. The poor guys really wanted to 'help', but simply had no idea what true help would have involved. And at that stage I didn't understand that it was grounding of my awareness that was crucial, and so couldn't even give them that bit of genuinely helpful information.

Also, although it did seem pretty weird how the doctors seemed reluctant to believe that I could cope at home, in all fairness to them, I still had my basic problem virtually untouched - I'd got my awareness better grounded in the hospital with all the nurses and inmates around me, yes, but once at home my awareness would be bound to get more ungrounded again, so my great confidence in things being okay for me back at home was really not soundly based. But then that was not something that the doctors could have any understanding about, and indeed I didn't have that understanding properly till October 2006.

So, in the event I was actually allowed out then, and returned home. In fact it turned out that I'd been a gnat's whisker of having to return to the hospital immediately for a roof over my head, because of being unable to gain entry to my flat. Reason? I'd had my flat keys left with my landlord (a local housing association) in case they needed to gain entry for emergency maintenance / repairs purposes, and so I had to pick them up before returning to my flat. And because I'd been made bottom of the ward round list that day, and thus was leaving at the end of the afternoon, it was a rush for me because the housing association's office might have already closed - especially as it was a Friday.

As it turned out, the office was just closed and the housing officer was just leaving - but he was really nice about it - I could have hugged him! - and unlocked the office again and got me my keys. Then once I was back in my flat I found that the pee in the pee bag strapped to my leg (remember?! ) had turned a rather alarming rosé colour, because my hurrying journey to the housing association office and then back to my flat had evidently caused chafing of the catheter somewhere 'inside my insides', and thus a little internal bleeding, so straight away I had to phone the out of hours medical service as a precaution about that - though fortunately no serious problem was indicated, and I got away with a course of antibiotic because there was actually a urethral infection anyway.

On the Sunday, unexpectedly I had a phone call from one of the nurses on the ward, asking how I was getting on. She sounded mighty doubtful that I would be coping, and thus sounded equally surprised when I laughed and said, of course I was doing fine, for as a perfectly well citizen I shouldn't have been imprisoned in the hospital in the first place. She sounded mighty impressed that I sounded so buoyant and upbeat, which struck me as funny and strange. (Had the consultant put in my records that I was a gay three-legged salamander?) Then on Monday another nurse phoned from the ward to ask how I was getting on. She sounded a little bit surprised too when I said I was doing fine. (She too must have seen something in my records...) At least those nurses presumably would give positive reports back for the meeting with the consultant on Tuesday (perhaps like "We've never known a gay three legged salamander do that well at home!"?), and surely the consultant would then not have a leg to stand on for keeping me in any more.

In all fairness to those really nice nurses, it is worth adding here that even at the time, although I saw the funny side as pointed to above, I was also actually quite surprised and touched that they were taking an interest and checking that I was all right. After all, I had come into the hospital in the first place with some considerable problem, so actually their concern was perfectly understandable, regardless of any interference and control agendas that may also have been running.

Also, in the light of my subsequent experiences I came to recognise that I couldn't take for granted any future freedom from severe 'entity' (i.e. dark force) attacks, which, as I recount further below, came to me in periodic phases, and thus subsequently I actually came to fully appreciate follow-up calls from support workers and not see such follow-up as at all strange, whether it be from nurses or community support workers - despite any slightly funny ideas they might have because they were unfamiliar with my situation and what was behind it.

Generally I enjoyed being to some extent their educator about what was actually going on for me and what my actual needs were, as this was all helping to show them that there was a better way than the so-called 'medical model' - and in any case they were generally simply nice people to have a chat with and so unwittingly to assist me in getting my awareness better grounded. I'm sure I experienced so much of their 'nice' aspects because I gave them such strong and positive attention in any conversations, speaking to them as friends in a way that few psychiatric patients ever would (all the more because of the effects of the latters' medication), and had a clear and focused angle on what was going on for me.

Forget about that schizo -- Beware of ME!

Tuesday came and the consultant seemed as uncomfortable as ever to meet me. He said he really thought that on the basis of the 'questions' (i.e. supposed disorders) that had come to light in the information that I'd given them about myself, there were significant reasons for my staying in the hospital for the time being, to be kept under observation, but he also admitted that he now had to acknowledge that I really didn't want to stay (My God, he'd noticed!) and reports from the nurses indicated that I was managing to cope on my own back at home - as though I hadn't managed perfectly well living on my own at home for decades! For that matter I'm sure even a gay three-legged salamander would cope perfectly well with just a little encouragement.

It was still a concern of his, as originally stated in the previous ward round, that I might once again run into the sort of circumstances that had had led to my being sent to Wonford House in the first place, and he wanted me to understand that "we are reluctant to allow you out of the hospital if you're just going to run into the same problem and come back here again". Just how I was supposed to sort out my home circumstances while being kept in hospital was not explained. And if the problem didn't show up when I was staying away from my flat, how ever would it come to light again to be further investigated? What a lack of logic and clear-mindedness about his outlook!

Now, since when have hospitals been saying such a thing to somebody who's been in for a broken bone or a cancer? Somebody slips on the ice and cracks a bone. Does the hospital say "We're keeping you in for the rest of the winter because we can't be reasonably sure you won't slip and come back with another fracture"? They want to get their patients out and doing okay at home as soon as possible - but this psychiatric unit wanted to cling onto this particular inmate with the most amazing excuses! It wasn't, either, as though they'd ever actually been through with me what had been going on for me at home that had led to my arrival at the hospital, and then sought to help to prevent such a problematical situation from recurring - but then of course that was not something that would have been reasonable to expect of them in the light of their closed minds and slavish adherence to their 'medical model', which in reality was no model at all of the human mind or human consciousness... (memories of a certain roasting smell on a memorable recent Sunday - and it wasn't my lunch either, unless of course there's a hell in which one eats one's own roasted flesh, but I don't think there is...)

The consultant then told me - it sounded as though it was meant to be some sort of trump card - that actually my collection of what I'd been calling special qualities were what he and other psychiatric workers regarded as indicators of my having a personality disorder which he called mild schizotype (pronounced with the final 'e' as an extra syllable). Thanks for that, Doc - just what I wanted for my joyful little verse further down this page!

That was, apparently, supposed to be a particular reason for my staying in and being observed and maybe even 'treated' by them. The very thought! Actually, one more extraordinary thing about this whole most unedifying episode - those two doctors never, never spoke of actually treating me or any supposed disorder of mine. Keeping me under observation was all they had ever spoken of. Any notion of 'treatment' was only implicit.

Presumably Jesus and all our healers and spiritual teachers* and promoters of self realization had or have this 'mild schizotype' condition (arguably not always so 'mild'!) and need hospitalization and treatment to bring them down to a blinding mediocrity of some supposed normality.

* I'd better clarify here that in 2007 I came to understand that ALL so-called spiritual teachers or 'masters', both present and past, and, yes, including Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha Shakyamuni, were in their different ways, and unbeknown to themselves, in deep trouble and really in need of assistance. That was, because of their having a particular part of their awareness poorly grounded and their having come, in one way or another, under covert control from the dark force. People who are not in that situation would not 'buy' the spirituality phenomenon but would promote self realization, clear of all belief and 'spirituality' (which really all revolves around some degree of belief in actually illusory 'higher' realities).

However, there's NO WAY that hospital nor the 'medical model' would do other than cause them still more harm. The way forward for every one of them would be through the sort of healing methodology that I present in Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way.

Anyway, because of my regrettable insistence on going home and my having demonstrated that I could manage there, the consultant admitted that it was "no longer tenable" for him to keep me there against my will (effing right, Mrs White!), and so I left as a free man with the provisions of Section 2 lifted from me.

"But you must understand - I have a career..."

One of the various things that struck me about the consultant and the ward doctor was a distinct air of something akin to sadness about them - particularly that final time I met them. I encountered the doctor in the ward soon after my final meeting with the consultant. I knew these were not happy people, even though they most likely believed that they were more or less happy, actually because, with their blocked awareness, they had no idea of what real happiness was like.

That unhappiness, presumably below the surface, seemed to be accentuated now, for they seemed to know inwardly that I was not only beyond their reach but I had something precious which they felt was barred to them. Being an empathetic person, I could feel something of that sort-of sadness of theirs, and nowhere was it stronger than when they each came to a point of agreement with me, almost for the first time. At this occasion of parting, they each actually came to agree with me that in future it would be best for me, in the event of any apparent crisis situation like what had landed me at Wonford House this time, to have alternative contingency arrangements already in place so that I wouldn't get pointed to a hospital at all and so be wasting the time of doctors for whom my particular issues were not relevant.

Yes, yes! They had both, independently, finally acknowledged what I had told them, and what almost anyone who wasn't a psychiatric doctor could have told them, in the first place! Yet my feeling at this point was particularly the inner sadness (or similar) of these two men. I can only surmise at what was stopping them from making a break and opening out to something of what I had been gently pointing them to during my whole stay in this hospital - though it felt like it was speaking directly out from them both: "How I'd like to learn something of your way! But you must understand - I have a career..."

I felt and do feel great empathy for these and the countless other doctors and other care professionals in a similar situation - but they have the answer to that issue in their very own hands. True healing begins when we take what is for us a courageous first step to lead us out of our self-created prisons of notionally comfortable personal circumstances, and start to embrace the truth that there really is greener grass - and a lot more besides! - the other side of that fence. When a career or professional / academic reputation is involved, it can seem a scary and even impossible step to take - to start asking oneself what one is achieving in that career. "Is this where I really want to be?" And, very importantly, "Does it really matter so much what people think of me if I start exploring and stepping beyond my current perceived limits? What would be the actual benefits of doing so?"

A good starting point for such people is the recognition: "I am not my career", and then, "What is most important about me is not any career of mine but ME". The so-called 'Christian work ethic' has a lot to answer for in having pervaded our culture with the insidious notion that our true life task is simply our career and we have little or no intrinsic worth as ourselves. Thankfully, many of us have now got clear of that misinformation and are discovering for ourselves how much more there is to life, and finding an underlying life purpose which had previously been hidden from us by our own unawareness, and which points us in fully positive and rewarding directions relating to ourselves and the others around us.

As I well know from my own experience of initiating positive changes in my life that meant stepping outside my limits as perceived at that time, the scary prospect of facing disapproval from some quarters and losing certain friends could feel intimidating, but this became outweighed as I gave proper consideration to where I could be pointing. And the latter was towards a more exciting and fulfilling life experience - on the one hand letting go of old and miserable feelings and all those friendships and relationships that would hold me back, and on the other hand experiencing new and more rewarding activities, drawing in new people into my life who were appropriate to and supportive of my new, positive direction.

I have left behind 'friends' who were attached to how I seemed to be at those times in the past and so didn't want me to change. And now, for all the apparent troubles and tribulations of my own uniquely challenging positive life direction, I am beginning to draw in people who who are truly like-minded and LOVE me - and that love is mutual. THAT'S what I'd been so afraid of before I made my first big step - which gives a whole new meaning to that horrible taunt "Don't look so worried; it might never happen"! 

I have found that once the seemingly tremendously intimidating first step has been taken and a positive life direction becomes established, further positive steps are nothing like as difficult to take, even if they too look formidable in anticipation. In taking such a positive direction we learn that we can face the fear that had been holding us back and had been often manifesting as limiting self perceptions, and know that the world does not fall apart when we take a forward step that may subjectively feel like abandoning much of what we'd ever known.

We discover more and more that it is as though the world, the Universe, the Cosmos, has been ever so patiently waiting all along for us to make each step and gently encourage us forward to the next one. And so we gradually discover that, far from being an indifferent or even hostile environment in which we just have to make do somehow, the Universe is actually a loving, nurturing environment for our own exploration of the life experience, in which we are given the means and the encouragement that are necessary for us to follow our directions of positive change, growth and broadening horizons - thus maximizing the abundance and variety of our life experience. New and more appropriate friendships and close relationships are always available to us and are naturally drawn to us as our horizons widen.

On this website I give a variety of pointers and means to assist people in initiating or enhancing their own requisite positive change and life direction. There is plenty here for people considering their first forward step, and likewise for those who are well on the way.

I embrace and salute all who get moving in this positive, healing direction. This is where real personal power comes in, for by bringing about such change in your own life you are positively affecting everyone who connects with you or relates with you in any way, and assisting them in their own emergence. We need not to be fooled by apparent negative reactions from those who on the surface do not understand, for those reactions are signs of their starting to feel challenged; in fact, in a small way their own process of positive life change my have already started.

With these points in mind, I can say with great security that there is absolutely no reason why, some time in the future, I couldn't find that particular circumstances bring the ward doctor or the consultant who I have been referring to, or indeed both of them, together with me as healer friends - true healers - then living very different and more rewarding lives than currently. And then, oh boy - would we get laughing together!

Some lessons from this experience

The Mental Health Act needs revision

In the UK we have so-called mental heath legislation that is a clear breach of human rights and should be amended without delay. Section 2 of the Mental Health Act of 1983 is notorious for this breach of human rights and has been widely misused, and yet politicians have still not seen fit to do anything about it. Why not? For no good reason, that's for sure!

I wrote to Ben Bradshaw, my Member of Parliament, giving him a link to this page, and was disgusted at his complete lack of interest in the subject. He suggested that if I wanted to complain I could discuss the matter with my doctor...

Section 2 provides for three main situations, any one of which would be grounds for keeping a patient in hospital against his will. I do not know the actual wording of the Act, so I am here detailing the substance. The allowed reasons for detaining a patient are:

• The person is a danger or potential danger to the community;
• The person is a danger or potential danger to himself;
• The person has a mental condition which in the view of a psychiatric doctor requires his being kept in hospital.

There clearly is a case for the first two options - particularly the first. But it is the third provision which defies commonsense and allows a doctor to effectively imprison anyone if they just don't happen to fit or indeed if they look like an interesting specimen to keep under observation. It actually gives a Draconian power which could even lead to the sort of excesses that were the hallmark of the old USSR, where political dissenters were routinely imprisoned in psychiatric hospitals. While I don't seriously expect the UK to go that far, there is no good reason for having legislation which makes such a state of affairs possible and in any case has enabled many serious violations of human rights to occur.

The only justifiable reasons for a psychiatric doctor deciding that a person should be kept in hospital against his will are surely the first two provisions listed above - if the person is a danger to himself or to the community or there is very strong evidence that he may be so - and even these could easily be abused. The third provision effectively gives free range to the doctor's whim and invites him to play God (and not any God who I'd want to know) with people's lives in a way that is inconsistent with civilization in the 21st Century. I cannot think of even one contingency in which this provision would be necessary for a beneficial purpose, and cannot understand the mentality of those who allowed it into this legislation.

If a person is judged by a doctor to be having delusions, so what? Free choice is a basic human right, as long as it isn't negatively and seriously impinging upon other people, and it is a fundamental right of ours that we be allowed our own, even deluded, perceptions of reality. Indeed, I know from my own perspective as an enlightened being, that ALL psychiatric doctors are deluded, so who is going to 'section' and hospitalize all of them so that they can be supposedly cured of their delusions (against their will)? Similarly, having emotional issues and at times instabilities is the normal human condition and is not cause to imprison people in a hospital or anywhere else, except if they become a danger to others or possibly to themselves. (The latter is actually contentious, because from a more enlightened perspective it is understood that people have a right to harm and even kill themselves in cases where it isn't harming other people (even though it's highly unlikely to be for their ultimate good for them to do so). That is already tacitly acknowledged in cultures around the globe, which allow people, for example, to smoke and so harm themselves and indeed thus subject themselves to unpleasant lingering deaths.)

In my own case there was nothing that showed me to be a danger to myself*, let alone to the community, and so even my having behaved strangely and appeared to get agitated when the nurses were preventing me from leaving was no justification for my being held at all - if we set aside the weasel words of that third provision in Section 2.

* For the sake of giving the complete picture, it's worth mentioning that that statement was true with regard to the information available to the hospital staff, but actually while I'd been under very severe pressure from the dark force there had actually been two threats to my safety: (a) it had become extremely difficult for me to continue getting my meals, and (b) the dark force (posing as higher guidance, giving a convoluted story to back up its instructions) at times instructed me to do the odd things that could potentially have killed me, particularly by smashing my skull.

Yes, I had been asked at the hospital if I'd ever thought of harming myself, and the honest answer that I gave was "No, definitely not", because I didn't see something that I was being instructed to do as being my own thoughts, and I'd never had any wish or intent of my own to harm myself.

Indeed, the nurses and doctors at Wonford House had much evidence that I was a significantly beneficial person in the community, though the nurses there sought to prevent me from being overtly beneficial to any of the patients and so I had to be sparing and discreet about that - I gave a minimal overt healing to a mere four of the patients while I was there, though quite possibly a certain amount of healing energy was quietly channelling through me to pretty well everyone who I encountered there, and my overall outlook would have been something of a 'brightener' for the whole setup there. The community lost out considerably through a hospital incarcerating me like that - except in that by doing so the hospital gave me the ammunition to enable me to formulate a public message that I had been wanting to put out for a long time but hadn't before had the basis of experience upon which I could usefully do so.

There was a new Mental Health Act in 2007, which came into effect in 2008, which was something of an amendment to the seriously deficient 2003 Act. Unfortunately the new Act has not changed anything for the better and has actually extended the possibilities of completely harmless individuals having their basic human rights violated and to have incarceration and/or seriously harmful 'treatments' enforced upon them, supposedly for the sake of 'improved public safety'. It is thus distinctly easier than before for 'political' considerations to determine whether a person is deprived of their basic rights and made a captive of the mental healthcare system and systematically harmed and even wrecked by it (ECT, for starters, is a wrecker) - and I'm really thankful that I'm not likely now (in 2009) to have cause to attract the attention of the mental healthcare services through any problems of mine.

A warning to psychics, healers, spiritual teachers and 'lightworkers' in the UK

Your ungrounded, astral sourced energy awareness* will get you labelled as having the schizotype personality disorder. If you allow yourself for any reason to become a hospital patient for a non-physical issue, not only the manifestations of your ungroundedness but also your special and positive qualities will most likely be noticed and will be seen as at least possible disorders and very likely used as reason to 'section' you; it would then be quite a struggle for you to get out - and possibly all the more so since the 1987 Act came into effect. Theoretically some doctors could even force 'treatment' upon you for your supposed disorder(s), this sanctioned by Section 2 of the 1983 Mental Health Act and more extensively by the 1987 Act. That treatment would include mind-affecting drugs but also could include the downright destructive ECT. None of those treatments would assist you in any way to get more grounded, and most would actually further weaken your grounding, as well as causing other problems very long term.

* For more about grounding and means to resolve any non-physical issue of yours that you may wish to address, please see Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way.

Also I strongly recommend such people to read The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks, which contains information that is extremely important for them, whether or not they recognise the fact.

The power hierarchy in hospitals needs a radical overhaul

One highly problematical thing that showed up again and again during my stay at Wonford House was that doctors were regarded by the whole system as superior and not to be questioned by other than fellow doctors. Because the whole system works that way, it isn't fair to criticize the doctors for their commonly supercilious and 'unquestionable' attitudes when the system within which they work actually encourages them to work that way. That is a crass setup, because nursing staff are the ones who best know the patients and indeed have masses of practical experience, and they should be not only free to but required to speak straight to doctors at all times, constructively calling into question the doctors' views about particular patients and even telling them directly and openly when they're clearly wrong. And of course conversely, doctors should be required to ask for the views of nurses and to take their views fully into account in making their decisions.

This is particularly true in psychiatric hospitals, where doctors are renowned for their lack of healing knowledge or ability, and patients' issues are by and large understood better by the nurses than the doctors - well, this latter point appears to be true if my own experience was anything to go by.

"Heal thyself first!"

I have already covered this here. This is crucial for all people in caring professions and activities.

A person doesn't warrant an 'ill' or 'disordered' label  just because he hears voices!

You wouldn't seriously call a person mentally ill just because she has troublesome neighbours or is being bullied at school - so it similarly makes no sense to call a person ill or label them with a personality disorder just because they have a troublesome external force interfering with them and causing them trouble. Of course the tormenting dark force, like a school bully or troublesome neighbours, may readily make a person highly emotionally stressed or indeed ill (i.e. physically), but their presence itself is not an illness but a troublesome situation that needs resolving and not hiding with medication or ECT.

Give precedence to getting patients out, not keeping them in!

That is commonsense that is generally applied in non-psychiatric hospitals, but, if my own experience was anything to go by on that particular occasion, it is not always applied in psychiatric establishments, and I think the above "Heal thyself first" point applies. Care workers and institutions need to learn not to hold onto patients and to have a detached viewpoint from which they can rejoice in having worked themselves out of a job with regard to each successive patient. Giving precedence to keeping patients in is a sure sign of a failing system.

However, I don't in any way mean that people should be simply parcelled out of hospital as soon as possible and 'dumped'. The real problem is this compulsory element, and the real need to treat 'patients' on a much more equal footing in arriving at any care plan, including duration of hospitalization, and any follow-up programme.

About the consultant who dealt with me

With good reason I pillory the consultant and ward doctor in this account of mine - although I do not mean it in a personal way. However, it has been brought to my notice that the particular consultant is highly regarded and praised by the nurses and indeed a fair proportion of the patients for his open-mindedness and flexibility as compared with many other psychiatric consultants, about whom I have heard a variety of horror stories (unfortunately true ones).

This in no way detracts from my own observations, but rather, is an indication of the absolutely horrendous attitude of many psychiatric doctors and consultants, who should never have been allowed to practise as any sort of doctor or care worker until they'd got themselves properly sorted out and learnt true healing methods. Sorry, but true!

Hospitals and especially psychiatric establishments need frequent 'energy clearance'

The energy I'm referring to here is what you might call 'subtle' or non-physical energies - what are left from the minds and energy systems of people who have been in the building. Unawarely, wherever we go we leave an imprint of our state of mind, and especially of troublesome aspects of our state of mind, in particular places where we spend some time, and especially where we have a difficult time. The energy and its imprints of very troubled or disturbed people can also attract discarnate human consciousnesses, which may then attach to people and cause them problems. Additionally, certain patients are liable to have in their non-physical aspects a particular phenomenon known as a portal or conduit, which is a type of subtle energy implant put there by the dark force, which can result in their being like a sort of doorway through which periodically emerge highly problematical entities (discarnate human consciousnesses in various unfortunate predicaments), which then may attach immediately to somebody or may 'hang around' in the particular place in wait for a suitable person for them to attach to (and thus then cause the affected individuals major problems).

It was frankly shocking to me, to enter a psychiatric unit that was in a building whose rooms and corridors harboured so much problematical energy, which was presumably remaining from patients who had been in there and had been discharged long ago. Such energies and any attracted entities are quite problematical for anyone, but especially so for those who are themselves in a weak and vulnerable emotional state, and poorly grounded (as indeed nearly all patients would be), aggravating their own condition and helping to ensure that when they are discharged they leave behind in the building even more troublesome energy imprints than they would have otherwise done.

The solution is relatively simple but lacks suitable people currently to carry it out. It requires people who have well grounded energy awareness - such as those trained by Stephen and Lynda Kane of The School of Energy Awareness. I write more about their methods in Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way. The problem is that nearly all people who have 'energy awareness', such as nearly all healers and ALL 'lightworkers', psychics, mediums and so forth have ungrounded energy awareness, which keeps them well open to and connected with the astral sub-reality so that all their supposedly higher perceptions are coming from the dark force and thus are worse than useless (even though their perceptions can appear impressive). So, it is no use at all employing psychics or so-called 'lightworkers' for real, effective energy clearance (as I was originally recommending here).

There are, however, a very few energy devices that are very helpful for energy clearance and even entity clearance in spaces, and I introduce these in Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way and The Clarity-Sphere - 'The Ultimate' Healing Tool.

It may not be fashionable yet to use such devices or employ people to do regular energy clearance, but doing so would be a very positive step forward, and would also be a move to recognising the need for a progression away from psychiatry as we know it altogether and replacing it with true, holistic healing - which brings me to my next, and major point...

Psychiatry urgently needs replacing with proper, holistic healing

Renaming psychiatry to the nicer-sounding 'mental health' would be only a cosmetic change, so let's dismiss that right now. There is only one genuine type of mental health, and that is genuine self realization.

The fact is that each of us is a whole consciousness (appearing to be an 'energy system') and not simply a body with a mind. So, separating 'mind' off for treatment is straightaway problematical, just as is separating off the body for purely physical treatments. We cannot effectively address 'mental problems' without looking at the whole, consciousness based, being.

The vast majority of issues or 'conditions' that are presented by patients in psychiatric work have two basic healing requirements, which don't need a psychiatrist, psychologist, or indeed a professional care worker at all. One of them is to get themselves and particularly their awareness better grounded. The other is to release old emotional traumas that they are carrying (no matter whether the traumas truly belong to them or belong to entities that are attached to them). Although Re-evaluation Counselling is a particularly focused method for facilitating the innate, natural emotional release processes (which include crying, trembling and laughter), it is a long-winded method and very dependent upon a high awareness level of its users. In Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way I indicate a range of methods that are much more effective for speedy and painless clearance of emotional issues and traumas, and also for getting better grounded. Particularly effective in mental healthcare establishments would be The Work (especially for using guided inquiry during counselling sessions), Power Walking and Grounding Post. Both of the latter practices (described in Some Potent Healing / Self-Realization Practices) would fit in extremely well, with groups or individuals who were willing to give them a try being guided through doing the practices so that they can learn to continue regular use of those practices for ongoing self healing once back at home.

In fact ALL of us (including all the doctors and nurses) to varying degrees have that need for clearance of emotional issues, and if it were fully met there would be virtually nothing left to recognise as mental illness - and we would all be functioning in spectacularly better and more wonderful ways than are evident at the moment even for people who were apparently 100% healthy and 'doing fine'. Going hand in hand with emotional release, we need some form of healing through proper self realization, which addresses properly the whole being (including all non-physical levels and aspects) and enables us to manifest our deepest and fullest natures. Such self realization work, when used effectively, can bypass any need to use dedicated emotional clearance methods*.

* Since May 2007 I've been experiencing this for myself on a quite spectacular scale in my own newly acquired self realization methods, so this is a matter of direct experience, not belief.

How are patients in psychiatric units 'treated' at the moment? By seeking to suppress what are seen as symptoms, that's how. That's like claiming to be healing people who have chest pains by just giving them painkillers, with no attempt to find out what was causing the pain. So, mind-numbing drugs are used and even, appallingly, still ECT. The latter is not just unhelpful but is downright destructive, for it disrupts memory connections in the brain and thus prevents the recipient from ever being able to fully release and resolve old emotional traumas in the current lifetime - just for the sake of a little immediate superficial comfort.

That is not what true healing is about. ECT helps ensure that the person can never open up properly to the happier and more abundant mode of living that had been ready to open out as old traumas were cleared. ECT is also immensely harmful to the victim's non-physical aspects ('energy system' in New Age type parlance), and thus causes a whole plethora of harmful physical, mental and emotional effects that gradually 'filter through' from the person's 'subtle' aspects over the years and decades - these effects then never being recognised by the medical profession as having resulted from the much earlier and seemingly unconnected ECT, and indeed generally then being put down to that person's general ageing process. 

Emotional release is seen as an undesirable symptom instead of the most essential natural healing process that it truly is. And as though that isn't enough, psychiatry labels people's special and positive qualities as disorders and therefore sees them as something that needs 'treating'. The aim is simply to reduce a patient's subjective experience of emotional discomfort and also to reduce or eliminate anything unorthodox and challenging about them, and not to acknowledge and resolve the cause of their emotional discomfort and manifest their deeper, more abundant selves as would happen in proper, holistic healing.

Psychiatry does not heal people; if anything it makes them worse, even if they subjectively think they've got better. Psychiatrists do not recognise or understand the true nature of a human being and so they have no model nor direction (apart from a notion of normality based on a normal set of human malfunctions and a normal degree of unawareness) upon which they can base their treatment methodology.

The only true healing is that of allowing and enabling people to become complete - i.e. self realized. By contrast, what psychiatry seeks to do is to try to help people to be 'normal' and free of recognised 'disorders' (many of which, as I've noted, are actually their special and positive qualities), and all this means pointing towards an unchallenging mediocrity, which is actually a highly dysfunctional state. A complete and fully functioning human is still an extreme rarity and is thus most certainly greatly abnormal. True healing therefore points us to our unique and intrinsic abnormality! Or, better expressed, it points us to our vibrantly positive uniqueness. In true healing, pointing towards a dull mediocrity or towards 'normality' - or indeed returning to how one was before - is not an option.

Am I claiming that under no circumstances should any symptom-suppressant or behaviour-quietening measures be used?

No, because the reality of the situation is that there is a small proportion of people who at the present time virtually nobody has the understanding or ability to handle, and for these people only, it is only commonsense to use what minimum means are necessary to quieten them so that the particular healers or other care workers can assist them. But such measures should be seen as only last-resort emergency or 'panic' measures - temporary measures of expediency - and not in themselves part of any healing plan or methodology, and should never be used for the prime purpose of making a person more comfortable for the purpose of avoiding addressing the underlying issues.

...And now a question

There is one pertinent matter that I never clarified during my incarceration. I would like to restore the balance now and ask. Would some nice friendly psychiatrist please tell me what expression is used by psychiatrists for the mental condition - which one might of course describe as a special quality - that makes people become psychiatrists?

Actually, ironically, one factor that at least often helps direct particular people to be psychiatrists is - yes! - covert interference from the dark force! This happens in just the same way that the dark force diverts people into religions instead of following direct and simple paths to enlightenment. The common factor is that the dark force is diverting people away from true self realization and holistic healing into paths or careers that feed patterns of power and control rather than love and free choice (and respecting the free choice of others).

Postscript - one place where the labels do stick, even for me

There is one potentially problematical end result of having been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, whether as a voluntary patient or as a prisoner under the provisions of 'mental health' legislation. The person then has in his medical record some basic details of that hospitalization and the diagnoses that were given by the hospital doctors, and these are not allowed to be deleted from a person's record even though they may be completely wrong and the person may have had no true 'mental health' problem beyond what we would regard as everyday life issues.

You can thus be stigmatized and potentially have problems getting jobs with employers or insurance firms that want to know if there are any 'mental health' issues in your medical record. This might not seem so bad if the diagnoses given actually meant something useful, but, as I have shown in my above account of my own experiences and indeed will further indicate below, the diagnoses of psychiatric doctors are not worth the paper they are written on.

A few weeks after my release I visited my regular doctor and checked out what was on my medical record. There were indeed, included in my computerized record, scanned copies of the letters sent to my doctor upon my admission and upon my release from the hospital. The admission letter referred to my 'having delusions' and the release letter gave a diagnosis that I was of a mildly schizotypal personality with some degree of hypermania.

My own doctor (GP) who I saw was a much more open-minded person than most GPs were until quite recently, and there seems to be quite a shift occurring now in general practice towards a broader and more holistic understanding of health issues. He had little doubt that I was talking sense when I told him about the psychiatric diagnoses being rubbish, as he had always appreciated and respected my 'aliveness' and self command, which made his job so much easier with me and gave him a positive experience in my rare consultations with him. He inserted an appropriate note in my record to the effect that I'd really been okay and the diagnoses were not a correct indication of my state - but he told me that nobody was allowed actually to delete the record of the hospitalization, including the letters of admission and discharge.

That is probably no problem for me, because I'm old enough now that I shall not be looking for jobs and there's unlikely to be cause for anyone now to be asking of me pointed questions about my medical history. But for very many other people such a situation would be serious. Even with a contradicting note from a more understanding GP after the event, the fact of having such a hospitalization and crass and completely pointless diagnoses of alleged psychiatric disorders on one's medical record could result in one's losing many job opportunities and even having problems in gaining certain types of insurance - even though the supposed diagnoses would simply be labels that had been given to normal or indeed often highly positive qualities or states of mind. Let's remember that almost everybody and certainly all psychiatrists and other doctors have emotional ('mental health') issues themselves whether or not these are recognised as such.

In April 2007 I had one e-mailed threat from ZM, a supposedly reputable but evidently very disturbed healer and 'lightworker' who is himself being significantly interfered with by the dark force, in response to my e-mailing him to ask in a friendly manner why he was demanding in a hostile manner that I never contact him again. He wrote the following:

You have not got the message. As not to contact me the matter is closed. Now if you contact me again I will have to contact the Police. With a record of mental illness I feel in your interest you should take my advice.

So, at least that individual had chosen to threaten me with my record of 'mental illness' - the implication being that he'd try to get me 'sectioned' in a psychiatric hospital again, presumably as some sort of risk to the public - actually a very silly threat because he has no evidence to use as a basis for a complaint about me. It's ironic that it was just the same sort of interference that had been interfering with me that was also directing him to behave thus towards me.

In January 2009 a street encounter with a local healer / 'lightworker' - who happens to have been doing some joint project with MZ - was uptightly terminated by him in response to my telling him something of the ways the dark force was interfering with him - and his (patronizingly-toned) response was: "Sorry, but what you say is unreliable, because you're mentally unstable because you believed you were going to be transferred into a new body, and you've been in a psychiatric hospital. No, you're mentally unstable and what you say is unreliable, and I'm having nothing to do with it...". He well knew the real situation relating to my dark force interference and the hospitalizations, yet he chose to close his mind to that and just to stigmatize me and tell me "You need help, mate!". Great!

For the record, I never actually believed that I was going to be transferred into a new body - though it was one of the stories that the dark force had been giving me, and I'd made that known to friends and acquaintances in case it happened, for at that time I simply didn't know whether there was any truth in it. Mark actually knew that, yet chose to switch off his intelligence and just use the "you believed..." stigma.

There must be very many others who have similar irrational responses towards me and are now shunning me as a result of such stigmatization - all the more because of my being open on this site and especially this page about my hospitalizations - despite the extremely positive use I made of those situations.

In my case it was wearily predictable that my most unorthodox situation that got me admitted to the hospital in the first place would get described as 'having delusions', for that was one of the 'Pavlovian triggers' of the blessed psychiatric doctors, and once they had attached that label, then they felt that there was a disorder that was available to 'treat'. But actually, a delusion is a belief about some aspect of reality that is held onto but isn't correct. So, to what extent was I actually holding onto any such incorrect belief about an aspect of reality?

We need to consider where the dividing line lies between being mistaken or misled and being deluded. Surely, if you are merely mistaken or misled, when you get further, contradicting, information you consider it and are prepared to let go of the mistaken notion if the evidence balances up the other way. On the other hand, if you hold onto a belief in your mistaken notion and persistently reject whatever contradicts it, then and only then can the word 'delusion' become appropriate.

In my own case, it must be very apparent from the earlier part of this account, that I was exceptionally open-minded and ready to let go of perceptions and notions that were put to me - whether from the physical world, non-physical aspects of reality or from apparently within my own mind. Indeed, I was holding no beliefs to start with, just working with the best available interpretations of data that I received. Also, it should have been very apparent to all concerned that I was dealing with issues that were outside the limited belief system and view of 'reality' that the psychiatric doctors had. Instead of recognising that fact, the doctors tried to interpret my own situation and state of mind in relation to their non-understanding. A truly honest person knows when to both recognise within and say openly, "This is beyond my understanding". The world does not fall apart when we make such admissions. When we do make such admissions we straightaway have opened the door to the possibility of gaining that understanding.

One greatly important thing that the psychiatric doctors did not understand was that for anyone the whole of life experience is built up on what we could call delusion. An enlightened person has a viewpoint that is outside delusion, and yet can also experience the illusions that make up the life experience - even while simultaneously being out of delusion altogether. In other words, what is a delusion for a non-enlightened person is merely an illusion for an enlightened person. Meanwhile a psychiatric doctor neither knows nor sees any of that and so remains wrapped up in his own delusions.

THAT is the fundamental absurdity of a psychiatric doctor referring to another person as having delusions - and this is all the more bizarre when that other person is an enlightened one and knows many things that the doctor could usefully learn from him!

I've already considered the nonsense about the term 'schizotype' to describe anyone who has a degree of non-physical perception, healing ability and a sense of some underlying purpose in their lives, but what about this 'hypermania' that was referred to?

What is that 'hypermania' diagnosis really telling us? I'll tell you what - they were frightened of me! They were frightened of me because they found themselves facing a human who was unbowed and uncowed by their wielding of personal power over their 'patients'. After the first two days (a little experiment of mine) I was clear of and unsullied by the drugs they use, which so helpfully keep inmates dull and submissive, and I had about me a vibrancy and self esteem that they knew inwardly was an implicit threat to their whole psychiatric career. So, that 'hypermania' label that they put in my record was, for the most part*, just their relative perception in defensiveness, out of their own fears of my own healthy energy as an enlightened mystic and healer.

* Actually the situation was not so clear-cut, because in my final hospitalization (detailed further below) I was aware that the dark force actually attacked me with a certain degree of hypermania precisely to make me appear that there was something amiss about me, because I was recovering so rapidly from its severe attack earlier that day and would very likely otherwise not have been admitted into the hospital at that time. It's thus very likely that the dark force more covertly attacked me with a bit of hypermania also on the previous hospitalizations - for, no doubt at all, it was seeking to get me widely regarded as mentally ill.

However, that would have been only an initial thing, affecting primarily my admission day, and the doctors clearly regarded my normal, healthy state as being somewhat hypermanic.

One confusion that these doctors were prey to was their association of a person's having a lot of vibrant energy with that person's being in a state of great tension or even agitation. What they could not bring themselves to recognise was that throughout my stay at that hospital - even when I was acting agitated on that one early occasion for a specific reason - I was generally supremely relaxed and peaceful with all that energy. That is one of the great hallmarks of a person who is enlightened.

To summarize, then.

In this postscript I have shown yet another iniquitous absurdity and harmful consequence that arises from a person being admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I look forward to the time when more aware general practitioners throw back those letters from psychiatric hospitals about their patients, saying something like "What the hell do you think you're doing, saying things like that about my patient, who you evidently know worse than nothing about!" - and of course, even more importantly, not referring patients at all to psychiatric services in the first place but instead pointing them to actual self healing methodology.

Visit 2 - The politician's consultant's promise...

Surely not again!

Okay, I'd goofed a bit, for, as already noted, (a) at that stage I'd actually not really begun addressing the big underlying problem - that of weaknesses in my non-physical aspects enabling the dark force to interfere with and attack me, and (b) I simply had no-one close enough for me to turn to in order to sleep away from my flat and with supportive company for a few nights.

Late November, and the ordeals returned to me with a vengeance*, and late on Sunday 5th December, after three consecutive nights with no sleep, it appeared that I was in the process of dying. The only hope, apparently, was to get out quick from my flat and stay out for a few nights somewhere else with a supportive person or people around - but my acute isolation pattern had meant that, as I've already intimated, I still had no-one to turn to for that purpose. Well, except for...

* Actually, this was not the complete relapse to 'square one' that it could easily appear to be, for, although still pretty confused and still with a problem of weak grounding of part of my awareness, I'd actually learnt quite a lot from the previous crisis event, and was not so open to a fair number of things that the dark force would otherwise have tried on me again. As I understand it now, each successive time the dark force sought to seriously disrupt my life, its options to achieve that were more limited than the previous time, because of my having gained more insights about what it was up to, and indeed my thus grounding progressively more small morsels of my awareness and so rendering them relatively immune to this sort of thing. The dark force thus had to adopt a different approach and use different 'story' to confuse me each time, because the stories it had sought to get me involved in previously couldn't be so effective on me any more.

This time the ordeals centred around an intimidating scenario of it supposedly being "imperative" that at that particular time I got working directly on healing an absolutely massive trauma that I was allegedly carrying, relating to my early childhood night torments, which I now understand to have been two levels of night hells (so-called night terrors), though it wasn't till well on in the following year that I learnt that those experiences were nothing other than what are widely and rather misleadingly called 'night terrors'). It was being forcefully put to me that I had to undergo severe attacks with fear related emotions repeatedly, and relive many of my horrendous childhood night time torment (i.e. night hell) experiences, day and night for a seemingly indefinite period in order to 'heal' all the alleged massive trauma within this lifetime of mine.

As I came to understand later on, that was all bullshit, although based on a true situation. In reality the trauma material involved was virtually all not mine at all, as I explain in Night Hells (Night Terrors) and Hearing Voices, and my real need, being strenuously hidden from me then, was to get rid of the parasitic lost souls attached to me, whose traumas were being used by the dark force in its attacks on me, and indeed which had been used as vehicles for all the night hell experiences I'd ever had.

And so it was, that in a state of desperation, and trembling strongly for much of the time, early on Monday 6th December I took a taxi to that hospital that I'd emphatically said I would never, never, never return to (at least as a patient). I presented myself as a voluntary patient asking for help this time, and, much as my supposed inner 'guidance' had said would be the case, I secured agreement from the consultant and ward doctor, in my brief initial meeting with them, that they would allow me to guide them regarding my healing needs, so this would surely all work very differently from before.

Actually, when I arrived at the hospital, I did so in particular trepidation, because my 'guidance' was repeatedly emphasizing to me that the consultant had seen the original version of this very page, which had already been on my website for a few weeks by then, and was extremely hurt and angry about what I'd written about him and the ward doctor, and so I'd have some really grovelling apology to do, and with very uncertain outcome. In the event that was clearly more bullshit, for I'm sure that neither of them either knew of any web page of mine, nor would have had any interest in visiting it if they did come to know of it. They just wouldn't have wanted to get involved with something that they would have realized (as it was written by me!) pointed so much away from their familiar (but absolutely useless and downright harmful) territory of psychiatry, and which would have been calling into question the value of their social and professional status as psychiatric doctor / consultant.

Keeping the elephants away

I'm not giving a repeat of the degree of detail that I've given above for my first stay at the hospital, and will here concentrate on what was different this time, and any additional observations and lessons to be learnt.

That Monday afternoon I allowed myself a one-off medication of a 5 mg tablet of haldol decanoate (also known as Haloperidol), an antipsychotic drug that the nurses were keen that I take. At that stage I was still rather assuming that I was dying and the tablet wouldn't really make any difference to that - except that in my previous hospitalization I'd similarly been supposedly dying and had had a similar tablet initially, and this time I did really slightly value it as a sort of comfort value in reminding me of that other time when actually I didn't die but very rapidly recovered - even though the Haloperidol itself presumably had little or no truly beneficial effect. 

I'd been allocated a twin room in the near end of the 'pong' section of the men's accommodation, and lay down for a much needed nap, and indeed to die if indeed that were to happen, because there really wasn't anything more that I could sensibly do to stop it happening. As time passed, increasingly I felt more normally dozy and decreasingly the weird feelings that in fact the dark force had been giving me to try to convince me that I really was dying. Gradually I started getting a slight feeling of sort-of wide-eyed wonder, as it was increasingly looking as though I wasn't dying at all. (! )

Evening meal time came, and a bit shakily, I joined the other inmates in the dining room for that rather minimal meal (lunch was the main meal of the day there). There were the odd inmates who I knew from my previous visit. This was indeed most remarkably not like dying - even though I could think of quite a few other places I'd rather be, such as sitting on top of the delectably remote-feeling craggy Sgurr Eireagoraidh in the bonnie western Scottish Highlands, eating my packed lunch while looking out over distant Mallaig and the sea to the Cuillins of Skye on a sparkling sunny day! Whoever tells us that paradise is after you die (i.e. if you've been 'Good') doesn't know what (s)he is talking about! Anyway, no point in trying to talk with anyone here in Wonford House about the delights of hiking over North Morar, for they would have simply assumed that that was part of my particular set of delusions that had got me hospitalized! (Well, apart from certain of the nurses, who, I think, really did recognise some really weird mental healthiness about me, despite my immediate problem).

That night I accepted the one-off sleeping tablet just as I did for my first night the previous time, but I didn't follow that up with Diazepam - I was resolute that that was a no-no for me.

One particular difference from the previous time was that, although initially on my presenting myself at the hospital I was accepting the actually completely false information (from the dark force posing as my 'guidance'), I was quick to drop all the 'story', and indeed ignore the 'inner voice' altogether. There was one potentially very risky thing I did, however, before I dropped all that, and that was, to go along with the claim from my 'guidance', that I'd overdone my state of enlightenment / self realization and had opened my crown chakra so much that 'astral beings' were free to enter it at will and be my tormentors for evermore - and the only hope for me would be to receive some ECT.

So, when I was given an interview with a particular senior nurse (Jamie) to find out more about what care / treatment I needed during that hospitalization, I actually did the dread thing and asked if I could have ECT. Fortunately Jamie was one of the more aware ones, who I'd already come to respect quite a bit, and he advised that ECT was a serious sort of thing to do, and it would be best if we sat upon the idea for a little, and then if I still was sure I wanted it in a few days' time they'd give it due consideration.

Fortunately, once I'd had my first night's sleep there, I was then able to observe unequivocally that I wasn't dying at all and indeed was no longer being tormented, so it was clear that the thing about receiving ECT was just another bit of reckless 'guidance' and something completely to ignore. Thankfully, my request for ECT hadn't set anything obvious in motion, for ECT for myself was never mentioned to me by anyone again.

At the Wednesday ward round the doctors were keen that I accept a long-lasting injection (for which they used the jargon word 'depot') of Haloperidol. I didn't want it but at that stage was prepared to compromise a bit. This was actually a low-dose one-week tester, but at that time I was told that it was the full 4-week-lasting dose.

At the following Wednesday ward round I showed a list of positive steps that I'd worked out for myself to take in order not to run into further problems*, assuming that this would convince the doctors that I needn't be at the hospital any longer. However, they were insistent that in their view I was truly ill (the consultant had asked me more about the nature of my 'guidance' and had decided that I was indeed a bit psychotic, although he never used that word to me) and must remain and accept their medication. They were not interested in my planned positive steps that were meant to be an attempt at resolving the underlying cause of the problems that had been arising. All they were interested in was treating with drugs the alleged psychiatric disorder that they'd identified.

* The steps were all in effect related to getting myself better grounded - even though at that time I wasn't actually thinking directly of grounding, because it wasn't till late 2006 (and more so in 2007) that I really woke up to the grounding / ungrounding issue and its crucial relevance to one's vulnerability or otherwise to the dark force's interference and attacks.

So, in that respect the list of measures was a valiant attempt, and much better than anything that any of the doctors or care workers could come out with, but I didn't know then that (a) I needed to clear certain extremely harmful items - sources of serious environmental stress - from my flat (particularly the sacred geometry 'healing' wands), which had to a very considerable extent caused my predicament, and (b) I needed to use appropriate methods to heal the weakening of my non-physical aspects caused by those harmful things and by my channelling and indeed involvements in spiritual healing (including Reiki), which had all contributed to my great vulnerability to the dark force.

I got the strong impression that at that point, if I'd put my foot down and unilaterally made to leave, the consultant would have had me 'sectioned' straightaway. So much for the gentlemen's agreement that I'd secured from him and the ward doctor on my day of admittance - a real "politician's promise"! Clearly they had no understanding at all of what true healing needs were (i.e. those of myself or anyone else) - or if they did have any such understanding, they were keeping it well hidden under the counter in order to protect their professional standing as psychiatric doctors.

Oh, and another thing the consultant asked me about was various questions about my level of energy. From my answers he confirmed his earlier conclusion that I was somewhat hypermanic and therefore was also 'ill' in that respect and needing treatment. This was lunacy, because my energy abundance was nothing to do with having pathological 'highs' but simply to do with not being weighed down by all the emotional crap that most people have in their systems. An enlightened person who also uses the Alexander Technique effectively as a self realization method cannot help but have a lot of energy available, but this energy is under the person's command and does not make the person problematically 'high' or 'manic'. Indeed, one of the nurses had particularly remarked on how his seeing me pacing the corridors kept reminding him to find out more about the Alexander Technique, because he was so struck by my uprightness and visibly loose and relaxed state - hardly a description of hypermania! What I didn't have was all the tensions that normally weigh people down and tire them out.

Actually it's a quite remarkable thing, that the massive interferences I received from the dark force didn't drain my energy, at least very much. Most people with such a scale of dark force and entity interference would have energy level and overall health significantly compromised. Indeed, I've encountered over the months and years many people with such interferences, and they ALL have shown obvious signs of energy depletion and some degree of depression.

Anyway, a little later that day I had the indignity of a 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol into my left buttock.

At the following Wednesday ward round (22nd December) the doctors decided to allow me out on two days' leave and then to discharge me (yes, on 24th December) provided all was well during that leave, and thus it was that I was once more free. It took considerable persistence on my part to insist on not continuing with the 'depot' medication, which the doctors in their non-wisdom insisted that I should accept as an ongoing thing in my everyday life. They found it extremely difficult to accept my own practical and pragmatic viewpoint, that the correct way forward with the medication would be to not continue with it and see if any further troubles arose after expiry of the current injection, and to take another 'depot' injection only if and when further troubles arose and I couldn't stem them by my various positive steps. If further troubles didn't arise (after all, I was already starting to take those positive steps to resolve the underlying cause), then what was the point of taking further medication?

These doctors' logic was a bit like throwing torn-up newspaper out of the windows to keep the elephants away; you know it works because you don't encounter any elephants. (We remember of course that I'm in the UK and not Africa, and global warming hasn't yet proceeded that far!) It was also a manifestation of their general policy of drugging people to suppress symptoms and hide their issues rather than applying true healing methodologies.

In fact, so persistent were the doctors about the medication that early in January, a few weeks after my return home, I had a phone call from my regular doctor's secretary asking me to arrange a time for my next 'depot' injection, which apparently had been delegated to my own doctor's practice. The secretary was distinctly surprised when I laughed and said firmly that I'd have no more of those injections unless I found that I had a need for them, in which case I'd get in touch and ask for one.

Depression - the difference between 'treating' and healing

There was one particular patient who I'd like to mention this time round. This time I was sleeping in a twin room whereas in my first stay I'd been in a single one. In fact this time my heart sank because I found that my allocated room mate, J, had severe depression and wanted to spend much of his time in bed, not speaking to anyone much. He was thus, on the face of it, to put it politely, not a good room mate for me with my own difficult issue when I first came in - more of a 'heart-sink' room mate!

After about a week I encountered him one evening in the smoking room and managed to get him to speak just a little (in his very 'low', depressed and hopeless voice), and he told how he'd spent much of his life in athletic activities and particularly in running, and how an injury in his early 50s had put paid to all that and then the depression* had come down on him like a ton of bricks. I told him how actually he'd been way out of balance all that time when he'd thought his life was just fine, because he'd kept himself closed to so many other potentialities of his, and now it was actually his very positive task and prospect, to open up his mind to some of those potentialities and to start realizing some of them, developing new interests and activities and so opening up and rejuvenating his life.

* In The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks I explain what depression really is, and point to how it really needs to be addressed.

I said I could give him a simple but profound long-term healing* to make it easier for him to start opening out in that way, and he accepted the offer. Back in our room I gave the healing. It took only a few minutes, fortunately with no nurse poking in (the nurses do a ward check of all inmates every hour). I spent much more time in the all-important reinforcing pep-talk, reminding him again and again of what he'd been missing for so much of his life and now could at last start connecting with to start living a new life which didn't depend on running and physical, athletic achievements and actually would bring richer rewards.

* Actually, as I much later came to understand, the supposedly special healing method that I was using then - courtesy my 'guidance', which was, of course, unbeknown to me, the dark force, was in itself largely bogus and indeed had a harmful aspect because of use of a supposed healing symbol that had been channelled to me, which was really quite harmful and would have made people more open and vulnerable to the dark force.

However, as far as I can ascertain through retrospective energy testing, J did gain something important from my giving him that 'healing' - in that it helped reinforce part of the 'message' in what I was saying to him, to the effect that he was actually okay and simply needed to let go of his old attachment and enjoy the freedom of having multiple choices in his life - and he was effectively his own best healer and would be much better off without the psychiatric or medical services having anything to do with this issue of his.

He was amazed, because NOBODY had said such things to him before. I too was amazed - but then was also not amazed because I knew that this was how it usually went for so many people. One has to say yet again - What the eff do those doctors think they're doing drugging that man and electrocuting his brain without ever stopping to look at what the CAUSE of the depression was, and what simple measures could be taken by him to turn his own life completely around???!!! You see, they neglect the most basic and fundamental principles of being a healer - even a 'decent' Western-style allopathic one! That is why I want all these psychiatric so-called 'doctors' struck off or compulsorily retrained in real healing.

Over the rest of my stay, J slowly but consistently became brighter and more alert, more inclined to get up earlier instead of lying in for each whole morning.  I started to see a certain radiance around him, which had been obscured before because he'd been so weighed down and darkened with his depression. Meanwhile the doctors presumably imagined that it was their (actually destructive) regime of ECT and medication that was healing J! At least J had little doubt about the source of his healing, and he saw it as occurring in spite of - not because of - the doctors' efforts.

Before any bright spark jumps up and says the healing was obviously a result of the medication and ECT, let me ask any such people how it came that no such positive change was occurring for anyone else, for others were receiving similar 'treatment'. It was just the one patient to whom I'd given healing and life change counselling who was making that very strong progress.

'Progress' report on another inmate

Y was still there in that ward, with clear signs that his emotional troubles were catching up on him. That would have been great in an environment where emotional release was encouraged, but here more stops were pulled out to assist him in keeping his emotional rubbish in and preventing any crying or trembling. Yes, enabling him to keep it in was seen as helping him!

How I would have liked to have taken the man aside and given him the support and encouragement that he really needed to let the crying and trembling out! But I knew by then that it would never be allowed there. I did, however, get an agreement with Y that once we were both out of the hospital we would meet up periodically for healing exchanges, for I could easily show him how to use his very definite healing ability, and he had the sort of personal warmth that made him a 'natural' with whom to exchange healing and emotional support.

In fact Y never chose to meet up for such sessions, and indeed went missing from the hospital for a while, which caused some concern, but I encountered him in the street on a number of occasions during 2005 and he did at the time seem to be slowly recovering - albeit not in the sense of a real forward moving self realization process. However, much more recently I've occasionally seen him in the street, and he has about him a look of going to rack and ruin, and, curiously, for a long spell he pretended he hadn't recognised me, even when we came pretty well face to face - as though he was embarrassed at his own unwillingness to get together with me on a real self healing 'journey'. He was very attached to his smoking, for one thing, and he knew I was a non-smoker and would be bound to encourage him to give it up if he were to set up any sort of mutual healing relationship with me.

So, although it's conceivable that the psychiatric doctors and mental healthcare service regard him as being some sort of success of theirs, the sad fact is that any 'success' was in damaging his mind (particularly with ECT) sufficiently for him to be unable to do other than go more consistently downhill, whether or not he attracts the attention of the mental healthcare services again.

More conclusions?

Not really, I think. I cannot really claim to draw further conclusions from this second stay at Wonford House, apart from my gaining further experiences of value to myself, and underlining my previous observations and conclusions. Again, all I'd really needed was a number of supportive people around me in order to assist me in regrounding my awareness - not 'treatment' and indeed not doctors of any sort.

Having said all this, however, I feel it is worth noting that when I returned to the hospital for the second stay I was wondering if perhaps I'd been a bit over-harsh about the psychiatric service and the doctors. Perhaps they really did seek to work out with patients about positive life change and all that. And then, when I presented myself for this second stay these two doctors at the hospital made out initially that they'd be very happy to co-operate and allow me to be their guide as to what my healing needs were, so I approached all this with a very open mind, seeking to be fair to all concerned.

In the event the protestations of flexibility and openness proved false and the doctors turned out to be every bit as narrow in their perceptions and understanding as I'd originally thought. It's fair comment to say that they badly let me down on my second stay because they completely ignored their promise to me - but then they evidently had no understanding in the first place of what they had been promising. It was also disappointing on this occasion to have certain nurses who I'd thought knew better acting as mouthpieces for the doctors' grossly flawed outlook on my own situation and healing needs.

Actually, although that is fair comment on what actually happened physically, I think there was more to that situation than met the eye. Did those doctors really mean to be so dishonest and untrustworthy? I very much doubt it. I can't speak for the ward doctor, but the consultant actually had quite a reputation (I'm not sure how well founded) for being much more flexible and open minded than the majority of psychiatric doctors / consultants - and I've already remarked that I observed signs that he actually did have some wish to learn from me because he could see that I had some important angle on mental health that he wasn't party to - BUT of course his sticking block was the old bogey of his professional standing as a psychiatric consultant.

Thus, I very much suspect that when I came back to the hospital this time, the consultant was very much in inner conflict as to how to relate with me, and this was bound to lead to inconsistent behaviour. Almost certainly when I was admitted that time he genuinely wanted to help by having me direct my own 'care plan', BUT then he'd taken fright, fearful for where it might take him in relation to his professional standing as a psychiatric consultant, and then he inevitably reacted by overstepping a bit on the conventional side.

Although this may look to be purely speculative, it is a much better explanation of the consultant's volte face than just negatively concluding that he was dishonest and untrustworthy (i.e. actually what you might call a bad man), and it is also underlined by a rather similar sort of thing that was much more clearly the result of inner conflict, relating to another doctor, which I relate much further below.

Roll on, the time when true holistic healing and self realization has replaced psychiatry! Then these lovely and basically caring people could be really serving the community by truly healing people - or rather, assisting people in becoming their own best healers (which is the only genuine healing in the long run)...

Not quite a Visit 3 - respite care the better way forward?

Naked nasties - confusions progressively unravel

On 20th January 2005 I found myself getting filled with fear / panic feelings again, but with the difference this time that not long before then I'd resolved not to interact with any alleged guidance or inner voice, and so these horrible feelings came to me as a completely pointless 'blind' assault with no explanation as to any alleged purpose for it. With no taste for another succession of horrendous ordeals with no sleep over several days / nights and then ending up in Wonford House yet again, I took what measures I could to at least give me the feeling that I was taking positive steps.

One desperate measure I took was to arrange with my doctor's practice for me to have another 4-week 'depot' injection of Haloperidol after all. However, over those very difficult weeks it was clear that this was no answer - though my retrospective use of energy testing indicates to me that the Haloperidol actually did to a very slight degree lessen the severity of my experience of the attacks - though it did so only through effects on my system that were harmful long term, so, use of it had never been a valid measure to take.

Another of the measures I took was to send an e-mail about this new development to Hans Jager, a friendly e-mail correspondent of mine at that time who was a young enlightened 'spiritual' teacher in the Netherlands. He quickly responded, saying he was pretty sure that astral beings were not the cause of my trouble, and that it was actually self-generated anxiety / panic attacks and so was actually much more controllable by myself than I'd been thinking. This did in fact make sense in a sort of way, and could conceivably even have explained the horrendous guided ordeals that had been inflicted upon me before, because, so I reasoned then, very likely old anxieties of mine had been creating thought forms that then had been presenting themselves as harsh and tormenting 'guidance', which then dragged me through nightmarish experiences, distortedly reflecting an anxiety of mine to do all my self healing fully and thoroughly.

Actually, in hindsight I see that as absolute rubbish, and I pretty well recognised it at the time, but was simply so desperate to try to find some really meaningful and helpful explanation of what was going on for me at that time that to some extent I let my own good sense take back seat. An anxiety itself cannot produce thought forms that would then torment you. Only the person could do that - and that simply wouldn't happen to any significant extent without the dark force interfering in particular ways to make it happen.

I also considered that, as, so I thought then, I had been intimidated, in at least one of my previous lifetimes*, by the false teachings in Tibetan Buddhism about severe punitive karma and the hells, no wonder that I'd been experiencing thought forms appearing as 'guidance', shouting at me that I was due for ALL the hells, including the Hell of Ultimate Torment, and giving me various difficult and 'dark' experiences that appeared to be leading me towards that delectable prospect! And as I had undoubtedly in a few lifetimes been into seriously 'dark' practices*, no wonder that I had been guided into attempted repeats of some of those practices - being taunted for good measure with what I was given to believe was the smell of roasting human flesh remembered from sacrificial rites in one of those lifetimes!

* My current understanding by means of energy testing and the results of applying the gained working model in my self healing process, is that I am a no-soul incarnation and therefore was not being affected by any past lives of my own (because I didn't have any), but instead was being severely affected by past life traumas carried by parasitic 'lost' souls attached to me, because the dark force was using those as their ammunition in the attacks and many of the illusory realities that it was seeking to get me to take on board as my 'reality'.

I found that by taking on this new perspective I could progressively loosen the hold of the panic feelings, and renewed pangs would dissolve again as I focused on the new understanding that they were only old anxieties and not any external entity assaulting me. I had a very fruitful, sleepless but peaceful night running my mind over these issues and observing the dissolution of many new pangs of fear, it becoming increasingly clear (at least so I thought then) that Hans' interpretation must be correct.

This of course appeared to be great news for me, because, if it were correct, these old anxieties could all be addressed, and when they were seen as what they were they could no longer be intimidating and therefore could not sustain themselves and would dissolve when observed with understanding of their true nature. With this in mind I thought I could be pretty confident, with clear reason, that I would have no cause to return to Wonford House as an inmate, and that things would now get a lot better for me.

Actually, what had actually happened was that, by getting hold of that apparently reassuring scenario from Hans and managing to make it appear to fit tolerably with my experiences, I'd slightly improved the grounding of a particular part of my awareness in such a way that I was temporarily able to break the feedback loop of trauma energy that constituted each attack.

However, after a few days I had powerful anxiety / depression / panic feelings return to me, and then I was despondently seeing myself as apparently falling into some serious sort of breakdown, with the prospect of hospitalization yet again. Panic mixed with depression is a particularly virulent and dangerous combination, which gave me even at this stage suicidal feelings - even though I was strong-willed enough not to act upon them.

Then 'ZM', the 'lightworker' who had supplied my sacred geometry healing wands, made what I thought was more sense of it all for me*. He had supposedly advanced higher perceptions and, so he believed, could determine during a phone conversation what was going on for me. He assured me that the disruptively strong upwellings of trauma emotion feelings that were plaguing me were actually from old issues, particularly from previous lifetimes, "being squeezed out" during my emotional and karmic clearance as the final stage of my accelerated self healing path - and thus were part of a very positive process - in this case what is widely known as a 'healing crisis'. As I had been half suspecting would be the case, he told me that in my single-minded enthusiasm to progress on my healing path, I had been considerably overusing certain of the sacred geometry healing wands which I had obtained from him, and this was what was causing my particular problem. Basically, my extensive use of the wands every day on myself had been blasting me with their energies and forcing the pace of my self healing, so causing the old emotional issues to surface in an unnecessarily intense and traumatic manner - though it would have been still necessary for me to experience them, but at a lower level.

* I had actually felt then and subsequently that he was holding back something important from me, and the apparent evasions and even downright deceptions from him became more obvious right up to his final contact with me in 2007.

My understanding now is that he'd had deceptions and agenda-based misinformation from from the dark force in his own channelling - the dark force thus deceiving ALL healers, 'lightworkers', mediums, channels and all other people aiming to work in 'spiritual' pursuits. What had been happening, basically, was that, unbeknown to me, he already knew - and saw yet again, with increasing dismay - that I was being massively interfered with and abused by the dark force.

His conscious intent and wishes for me may have been for the best, but the interference in his guidance - from the dark force again! - had resulted in his getting the message that it was important that he not let me know at all the true nature of my troubles, nor give me genuine assistance against the 'entities', because, supposedly, the 'Highest Will' required that I be left to work this issue out for myself unaided. My understanding now is that there was no such intent except from the dark force, and indeed there was no specific intent of any true 'highest will' in the first place that I have such a severe issue with the dark force or 'entities'.

He was not the only person who got misled by the dark force into believing the distorted scenario about some supposed Highest Will requiring me to be left to work it all out myself unaided, and thus not offering assistance to me. I understand that quite a large number of people who saw relevant information on this website - particularly this very page - had a good idea of what was going on for me and actually wanted to help*, but they all received the same interference from dark force, posing as their own 'guidance' or specific higher sources - so that I was left in what many saw as a desperate situation, all on my own, with an acute isolation and loneliness issue, for most of the time with 'entity' manifestations of the dark force as my only (and extremely unwanted) company, and with supportive communications from my own deepest aspects (the true 'highest' source) being blocked off or adulterated by the dark force.

* Actually it's very unlikely that any of those people would have genuinely been of real help, because of their own belief systems and indeed dark force control - and indeed it's very likely that certain of them would have brought me further problems that would have compounded the extant one - so, on balance I'm glad they did keep quiet.

And then, it so happened that almost at the end of 2006, while ZM, maker of my wands, was apparently in despair (behind my back) about my situation and had, quite understandably in the circumstances, 'written me off', one particular 'lightworker' in the USA who himself was supposedly free of such dark force interferences, was introduced to my website by a client of his, and he at once saw to a certain extent the true nature of my predicament, which actually I'd been working through remarkably but was still very ready for assistance. This 'lightworker' - actually, as it turned out, quite a problematical and even dangerous individual because of his own dark force and entity interferences, which he intransigently denied that he had - was Dalibor Zaviska, who I write about particularly in My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 2. He offered me assistance and self help methods that supposedly would enable me to be speedily clearing myself from all of what he described as external energy interferences (EEIs), which include all types of entities and dark force interferences.

As I now know, Dalibor's 'assistance' was of limited value, because his own dark force interference was causing him to use seriously flawed methodology that didn't significantly remove any entities from me, let alone the dark force interference, and indeed which in some ways added to my problems (and would have become a massive problem for me if I'd stuck with his methods or indeed allowed him to get me into hypnotic trance as he was seeking to). However, the primary positive thing he did bring to me was a whole new momentum and optimism towards true clearance of my 'entity' issues. Fortunately I had the clarity to increasingly see that there were problems about Dalibor and his methodology and indeed his whole outlook, and so became increasingly open to the real way forward which soon presented itself (in 2007).

I thus followed ZM's advice to put all the wands away and not use them for the time being so that my energy system could supposedly catch up with itself and stabilize. Over a single day the attacks subsided and then I was free of the trouble for nearly a week, and then the arisings were at a manageable level without disruption of my life - that is, until the next big peak...

So, then I saw another reason why during both my stays at Wonford House I recovered so quickly. Not only was I out of the oppressive solitude of my flat, but I was also away from those wands*.

* Yes, the wands were a serious problem, indeed extremely so (see Sacred Geometry, Wands and Crystals - A Serious Warning and The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences, but, as I now well understand, the primary problem that was temporarily addressed by my being out of my flat and amongst supportive people was the poor grounding of part of my awareness, which had been making me so vulnerable to the dark force's deceptions and attacks. It was my gaining better grounding of my awareness that was the immediate primary factor in my rapid recoveries when hospitalized.

Getting gradually stronger (with ups and downs)...

Having resumed a careful and much more sparing use of certain of the healing wands, I soon had the anxiety feelings resume*, sometimes with other trauma feelings such as fear, panic and a ghastly feeling that I now understand to be a distorted version of birth trauma - although at a much lesser intensity than when I was attacked with it before - and with my new understandings I was able to keep my prime focus in my peaceful and quietly joyful  mindspace so that the old trauma feelings could gradually dissipate and be released from me for good.

* Actually, on reading back through my personal journal for that time, and using energy testing, I'm pretty sure that despite all the damage already done to my non-physical aspects, and the consequent vulnerability to the dark force, resulting from my previous used of the sacred geometry wands, I'd have continued to have quite a lot less trouble if only I hadn't brought those extremely noxious devices back into use.

That is how I handled all further arisings of the old trauma feelings, so that they could progressively release as I remained the peaceful observer and got on with my life. Before all that long there would be no traumas left to release, and then life for me would be very different. -- Well, that was the theory...

In April 2005 I had another crisis come up, of a combination of anxiety, apprehension, fear, panic and terror (a truly delectable mix!), which I had to respond to as an emergency. This time things worked out differently. I contacted the Crisis Resolution Team (CRT) attached to Wonford House. This team of wonderful, caring people have, in some respects, much more open minds than appears to be allowed within the hospital framework, and recognise that many personal crises are not medical issues (Alleluia!). Two lovely people from the team visited me first for a very friendly and supportive chat and brief discussion as to what would be the most helpful option for me. In fact they were able to arrange just what I thought I'd really needed in place of the previous year's hospitalizations - respite care. Within a couple of hours they had this arranged for me, and I was driven out to the home of an actual spiritual healer in the south Devon seaside resort of Sidmouth, who runs her house as a sort of guest house for people in crisis placed with her by the CRT and certain other support services. I was there just three days, and that was, to a point, more than enough for me to be out of that crisis*.

Actually at the time I was really enthusiastic about this in my determination not to go into hospital again. However, by the time I returned home from that respite care I was already getting attacked again by the dark force, albeit not at crisis level. The problem about that respite care was that I was left on my own quite a lot of the time and so my awareness didn't get as well grounded as would have happened in hospital. It was certainly very nice to be free to go out for strolls on the sea front and even up onto the nearby clifftops, but as I now understand, to have had some supportive people more or less constantly around me, as I'd have had in the hospital, would have got my awareness better grounded and thus would have served me better.

Actually, there was one factor that made that particular respite care 'refuge' less effective than it could have been for me in getting my awareness well grounded - the really nice and well intentioned woman who was my 'host' there. She herself was actually a spiritual healer - which at the time I automatically thought was great, and she even gave me a hands-on healing session. The only trouble was that of course like almost all healers, she was herself being quite a bit led and deceived by the dark force, and her healing method and outlook were all pretty ungrounded and astral (and thus, unawarely, dark force) connecting. So, contrary to my superficial impression at that time, she was by no means the most suitable sort of person to take me in with my sort of issue, for she herself was not properly grounded, and so couldn't have a really strongly grounding effect upon me.

Also, I unwittingly further compounded my troubles during that spell of respite care, through buying an attractive-looking silver bracelet bearing a sizeable piece of moldavite, which I then wore pretty well all the time, believing it was helping me. That would have added further to the ungrounding of my awareness and making me still more vulnerable to the dark force.

After that I experienced a steady trend for the upwellings and peaks of fear-based trauma feelings to become briefer and less intense, and I felt increasingly to be master of my situation, despite the continued intrusions of the dark force, which by then I was recognising as 'astral beings' in my mindspace.

It became clear from more recent channelled information, and indeed my own observations, that the interpretation of my situation by ZM (who made my sacred geometry wands) had given me only part of the picture of what was going on for me that had resulted in the various ordeals. Yes, the confusions and all the torments and trickery had been brought about by 'astral beings' (i.e. really what I nowadays know as the dark force) after all, and there was no way it could be just anxieties of mine creating thought forms that were masquerading as entities as Hans Jager had been suggesting. In any case, if one believed the latter scenario, then one would be left with the rather obvious unanswered question as to the source of such big quantities of anxiety and other fear based emotions.

More of the story is told in my page The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. As I now understand, the dark force and its 'entity' manifestations are not conscious beings, and its true nature is more akin to a vast autonomous complex of self perpetuating computer malware programming, not in ordinary digital data but in thought 'energy'.

Subsequently, up till early 2007 I progressively gained some degree of self assurance against the 'astral entities' by turning round on them and 'playing tormentor' to them, and, bit by bit, despite further waves of attack from them, I gradually gained more inner strength and stability - but this was a very slow and precarious business, with many 'false dawns'. Indeed, as I later came to realize, my responding to the interferences as though they were from actual conscious beings was actually hindering any possibility of my getting clear of their interference, even though it was boosting my own self confidence somewhat.

One blind alley - support groups

I report this belatedly (in early 2009) and even now with a little reluctance, but I'm clear that no benefit comes from being politely silent about nice ideas (in principle) that are implemented by really nice people with the best of intentions but simply don't work - at least, in any really worthwhile respect.

In early 2005, while I was feeling pretty desperate with all the strong attacks (which at that time, as explained further above, I didn't at all fully understand), I attended weekly meetings of two of the support groups that were part of the Joan of Arc Project (more recently the latter has been renamed to the Bridge Collective). This was in effect a peripheral facility of the mental healthcare services*, reasonably independently run (or co-ordinated / facilitated) by two very nice people with youthful and relatively open-minded outlooks, who were very accepting and empathetic, and who knew that the 'medical model' applied to people by the mental healthcare services was rubbish.

* Actually at that time it was under the wing of the MIND mental health charity, rather than the official mental healthcare system, and has since, as the Bridge Collective, become more independent.

I regularly attended a weekly general 'drop in' group and two of their weekly special topic groups: Hearing Voices, and also You'd better Believe it! - the latter group intended for people who have unusual beliefs / outlooks. I'd actually felt a bit drawn to the idea of attending the Hearing Voices group when I'd seen a leaflet about those groups during my first hospitalization, but had also felt quite a strong resistance against that sort of involvement. Theoretically such groups could be great for all who participate, and enable those people to truly get the best out of their lives - but that would be dependent on the groups being run by people with a particularly deep awareness and understanding of the issues involved, and would require a quite strictly enforced structuring of the sessions in order to get the participants really making something positive of their personal situations and not just getting reinforced in their limiting patterns and confusions.

In the event, that was exactly how the groups that I attended were not. They were really nothing more than laissez-faire socializing groups, in which people shared their confusions, and their limiting patterns and distorted notions were all accepted without question. Conversations and discussion to a very considerable degree revolved around what medications one was taking, and one's experiences with psychiatric consultants and community psychiatric nurses (psychiatric social workers or care co-ordinators). Where was the healing and turning around of one's life in that?!!

Accepting the person is one thing, but to accept the person's problems as a 'given' is quite another. The only thing that was, on the surface, not being accepted in those groups was the medical / psychiatric diagnoses that had been dished out to most if not all the participants. But even there, I observed a general bland acceptance of many of the participants actually 'living out' their psychiatric labels. Yes, they intellectually thought the labels were shit, but in effect were still 'proudly' wearing those very labels in all but name, because nobody had been pointing them to any sort of true healing direction.

There was no understanding of the real healing needs of people. It was all really about making do with the situation that one had - one heard a lot about 'coping strategies', not about bringing about a real turnaround in one's life. The terms 'healing' and 'self realization' were used only by me, at least in the sessions that I attended, and no more than a handful of people there were even in the slightest interested in my own angle on powerful and broad-based healing and life improvement / self realization as being the real way forward, and of those I think no more than two actually visited my Self Realization website to find out more, and even then that response appeared to be more out of curiosity than any real intent to embrace change in their lives.

So, all these people were meeting together to help make their lamentable and unhappy personal situations seem a little more bearable - NOT to transform their personal situations into tremendous, happy, vibrant, creative and abundant ones! No wonder that I felt really out of place there, and was going there at all only out of desperation in the face of continual severe attacks from the dark force, for the grounding effect of a little brief human company away from the isolation of my flat! And no wonder that presently I found that there was an antipathy and even hostility towards me steadily gathering among a fair proportion of the participants. This finally came into the open on an occasion (in mid April that year) when I challenged the way that a particular participant was being allowed to have an over-dominant role, which was particularly problematical because of her flaunting her Christian beliefs there, actually making it an unsafe and unsupportive place for many people, particularly those in a vulnerable emotional state.

By that time I'd already been thinking it was about time for me to stop attending those groups, and the negative attitudes towards me of a good proportion of the participants, which were expressed then, made it a 'no-brainer' to have nothing further to do with such groups. Basically, at least half the participants saw me as an alien, an intruder, because I was not accepting their limited, inward-looking ways, and indeed was not attending for the purpose of socialization, and because I had spoken out "against" one of their clique.

So, on the basis of my own experience, I would say that such 'support' groups actually support very little that is truly worthwhile at all, because they are supporting people's remaining more or less where they're already at, and are not supporting in any material way what they really need to be doing to turn their lives around - despite the great and kind hearted intentions of the group co-ordinators. So, what is genuinely intended to be real support consistently becomes just a blind alley for the people who call upon it. I myself got out of that blind alley and left those groups behind.

How come that this enlightened person has major emotional issues in the first place?

This ties up with the unusual circumstances of my own crossing the enlightenment threshold. In the vast majority of cases so far, people crossing that threshold have first used ongoing meditation to clear their mindspace of most active thought processes and achieve great inner quietude - though to what extent such people have cleared themselves of emotional issues rather than just put the lid on them is more than just a moot point, because ongoing meditation, although it does help dissolve various minor issues, actually progressively hides major issues, so that they are then never worked on and cleared. The mental state achieved in this way may seem to be peaceful, but it is a considerably distorted and unbalanced version of a genuine self realized state, which latter is the really healthy state that we all need to be working towards.

In contrast, I'd never meditated prior to my crossing the threshold, and my mind was an excited tumult at the time of that event. So, unlike people who take the insidiously, extremely harmful meditation route, I hadn't been putting the lid on issues that I was carrying*, and thus had a much more balanced awareness than those people, and was actually thus still able to progressively clear those issues, whereas the people who've taken the meditation route still have various emotional issues but are simply unaware of them and thus they never clear them.

* As I now understand, the masses of emotional trauma that I was carrying (and which the dark force was able to use in its attacks on me) were not my own! They belonged to a type of entity of which I had a prodigious number attached to me - as I explain in My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 2.

Almost everyone's view of what enlightened people are like comes from those enlightened people who have taken the meditation route and so are actually seriously unbalanced and still carrying hidden issues without their having any idea that the self realized state could be any different from what they are experiencing. On the other hand I myself have been pretty widely seen as either something of a charlatan (just pretending to be enlightened) or as having something fundamentally wrong about me and my enlightened state because of my carrying emotional issues that were not hidden. The reality was that it was my own state of enlightenment that was by far the healthier and more balanced, and indeed the better model for other people to use in order to gain an understanding of enlightenment and self realization and their possible relevance to them. It was just that I'd been targeted by the dark force pretty well at the beginning of my life, and given an exceptional load of 30 traumatized parasitic lost souls attached to me.

There's a big message of hope there for a fair number of people, in that (at least for no-soul incarnations) it is evidently possible to become enlightened without having to clear all emotional traumas first. Enlightenment then makes the emotional clearance process easier and more efficient.

A great step forward - The Work

In early 2006 a friend introduced me to The Work - a process of simple but very powerful inner inquiry for self realization and sorting out your life, developed by Byron Katie. This proved to be a much more direct and efficient means of clearance of emotional issues that I'd yet encountered, and I used it pretty well daily for the rest of that year. Initially the dark force attacked in ways to try and stop me using it, but it simply demonstrated to me that I must be doing something importantly 'right' for me, which was bound to be weakening the power of the dark force over me.

The Work is so simple and easy to use that it could be used not only to sort out ordinary people's lives and bring them to enlightenment, but also could be a primary healing tool throughout the whole of the mental healthcare services.

However, in the summer of 2006 I started getting more severe problems from the dark force again, and indeed at times it even exploited my use of The Work to compound the developing crisis situation - of which more further below. As I shall show, eventually I actually found self healing and emotional clearance methods that for me that left The Work out in the cold and effectively redundant, despite its many very strong points.

Another important step forward - indeed marking a very small beginning of the methodology that really took off for me from mid 2007 onwards - was my purchasing an Energy Egg in July 2006. That marked the beginning of of a more meaningful retrospective healing process that was at last just beginning to heal the major damage done to my non-physical aspects by the sacred geometry wands and also the large collection of crystals in my flat. However, at that stage, compared with what was to come, it was a very slow process, and there was no instant freedom from 'astral beings' (i.e. dark force) troubles.

...And now a Visit 3 after all - and my head stayed firmly on!

During the summer of 2006 I was quite intensively using The Work, and actually arranged with the Joan of Arc Project for me to give an introductory workshop on The Work at their premises on Tuesday 12th September. I went to a great deal of trouble to advertise the workshop widely in the mental healthcare services, some GP surgeries, etc, and in particular a detailed announcement about it, together with an article about The Work, that I put in the Joan of Arc Project Newsletter, which was sent out to over 600 service users and mental healthcare professionals. Surely I'd get pretty swamped by people wanting to take this up, and would have to arrange overflow workshops!

Yet by the beginning of September I had only six people booked on the workshop. It appeared that almost none of the people for whom something like The Work would be such a pressing need were actually interested in trying such a powerful and direct emotional healing method, they being so addicted to the absolutely useless and indeed tremendously harmful 'medical model' and indeed psychiatry in all its grotesqueness, even if they dismissed it intellectually.

During late August, increasingly the dark force, posing as my 'higher consciousness', interfered with my daily The Work sessions, getting more pushy and giving me a lot of story about a Cosmos-wide healing scenario that I was allegedly involved in, and, supposedly, I was meant right there and then to be using The Work to heal existential terror, not only of my own but of the purported 'Creator Consciousness' itself. More and more attacks were coming in again, increasingly strongly - once more being claimed to be part of the healing process that was essential for me at that point.

During early September 2006 this led into another crisis. However, things were very different this time from the previous crises. As I eventually established through some careful detective work in October 2008, this whole crisis event appears to have been based on a major attempt by a particular person (guided and controlled by the dark force) to kill me*, as I explain in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences and One Right Weirdo Hike - What Do You Make of This?.

* Actually, as far as I've been able to establish, the previous very major crisis events, and particularly the three leading up to the previous hospitalizations and the stay in respite care, had also been brought about, at least in part, by that particular person, using my sacred geometry wands as means to open me to the cacoprotean network to enable it to try to kill me or otherwise wreck me. This time, however, the attempt to kill me had been set up to be massively more powerful and direct.

During the first week of September 2006 I was starting to get what seemed to be some useful channelled information from what I took to be my own higher consciousness*, though still with interference, and I gained the understanding that I'd already cleared out all my own emotional issues, and the continuing attacks I was getting from the 'astral beings' (i.e. really the dark force) were actually using trauma energy from a number of people with whom my own higher consciousness had made special healing connections ('energy cords')** - specific people who had particularly strong past life connections with me. Thus through receiving those attacks I was powerfully clearing those people's emotional traumas.

* The communications were actually from the dark force still seeking to cause me very major problems, so that what I was taking to be 'useful' information was useful only to the dark force's agenda to cause me extremely serious problems. It was using the odd bits of true information (such as my having no remaining emotional issues of my own) to lure me into a highly problematical fictional scenario that would have caused me untold trouble far beyond this lifetime if I'd really taken it on board and held onto a belief in it.

As remarked elsewhere, the very concept of a partially separated-off 'higher consciousness' that one can channel from as though it were some sort of 'higher being' is an extremely harmful fiction given to us by the dark force and widely believed among healers, psychics and people associated with the 'New Age' movement. The point of this is to divert people away from tuning into their own deepest aspects for deeper knowledge, so that they are actually getting 'information' from the dark force posing as one's 'higher consciousness'. And that was exactly what was happening for me.

** In early 2007 the 'lightworker' Dalibor Zaviska, my dealings with whom I have much to say about in My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 2, 'confirmed' to me that I did have the alleged troublesome energy cords connecting me to certain other people, plus at least one major energy cord of that sort that was connecting me to a supposed archetype in the human collective consciousness, so that my own self healing process and the 'entity' (actually dark force) attacks were actually drawing on a well-nigh bottomless pit of emotional trauma material.

However, what I didn't realize then was the extent that Dalibor himself was being deceived and led astray by the dark force. Now that I'm much clearer of dark force influence and am better able to ascertain my true situation, I can relate a different origin for the emotional issues and traumas that I was indeed carrying but were not mine. Please see further below...

So, my understandings in the following paragraphs, although containing part of the truth about my situation, were still quite replete with misinformation too.

So, I 'understood' that THAT was why my self healing task in this lifetime altogether, including all the earlier attacks from the 'astral beings' (i.e. really the dark force), had been so massive, and why I was still having so much emotional material to heal even after my crossing the enlightenment threshold. No wonder it had been such a taxing task and other people had been wondering how it could be that I apparently needed to make such a big task of my own self healing!

What I'd been led to think was a utilization of 'astral beings' around me by supposedly higher powers*, supposedly for the purpose of bringing about important and major healing for others through 'attacking' me, culminated in a very strange, long and completely unplanned hike on Saturday 9th September, during which, under instructions from my 'guidance' (what I thought at the time was my 'higher consciousness' but was of course yet again the dark force), I kept joyfully walking on a 27-mile hard hike on Dartmoor (allegedly to keep me very strongly grounded and free of patterned thinking) till sundown while I was strongly bombarded by the 'astral beings' with all the familiar trauma emotion feelings. On this occasion the trauma material was allegedly from considerably more than those purported people with whom I was supposed to have the problematical energy cord connections, as you can read on my page One Right Weirdo Hike - What Do You Make of This?.

* That description of what was going on was rubbish, of course! It was all part of the ongoing deceptions from the dark force. This whole scenario was being run and executed simply by the dark force, for its own seriously harmful purposes only.

By the end of that hike I noticed that my badly worn neck vertebrae seemed to have got distinctly worse, with more scrunching of shredded cartilage and rubbing of smooth bone against smooth bone than ever, and these ominous signs seemed to be a bit worse still the following day. My 'guidance' was then telling me that indeed the vertebrae were rapidly disintegrating, and even within that day my neck would break as it failed any longer to hold up the weight of my head, and I would die in a gruesome and excruciating manner. An elaborate and quite gruesome scenario was put to me to explain why this was all supposedly meant (by the 'Creator Consciousness' itself) to happen, and it even included the notion that the whole Universe was on the point of starting to implode and we were all imminently going to enter into a succession of hells until, aeons hence, an expansion phase started again. There was a fascinatingly weird and crazy (and indeed notionally extremely intimidating) further elaboration on that story, which I won't go into here because I must draw the line somewhere in order to get on with the main points!

I had a sleepless night and was being attacked again, in ways that made it seem that my body really was in a process of disintegrating and dying - and of course I was given an elaborate fictional reason for this and why I was supposedly going to fall, upon my imminent spectacular death, into a succession of every hell and night terror that anyone had dreamed up*. Another sleepless night followed, with the threat seemingly increasing; I was getting a bit afraid to get up off my bed in case something horrible happened to my neck. Also this was resulting in me getting skimpy about getting meals for myself...

* Just why did I give such ideas any credence at all, when I'd had very similar misinformation from false 'guidance' before and basically knew that all such tales were fiction from 'astral entities' (i.e. really the dark force)?

The answer is actually not that I'm stupid or normally psychotic, but that if you have the dark force giving you false information and fictitious scenarios, when a particular part of your awareness is poorly grounded you have difficulty in distinguishing between true and false information, and become a sucker for the dark force. The times when I've come unstuck in that way were all occasions when my awareness was more poorly grounded than usual and the dark force was then able to exploit the situation and play havoc with me as I let it walk over me in a way that couldn't happen when my awareness was properly grounded.

The issue of grounding is a particularly major one for me, as is the case for many other people who are very deeply self aware and are strong healers, and for so much of my life I've been lacking one key powerful grounding factor - human companionship.

So, unsurprisingly, having no suitable friends for me to turn to for support, to strong protests from my 'guidance' (yes, to that extent I'd now started openly rebelling and already beginning to regain command of my situation!), I phoned the Crisis Resolution Team, who were really great with me and responded quickly and appropriately with a visit. They didn't have respite care available for me that time, but at least got me admitted at once, at my request, to psychiatric hospital, which would have to suffice as my respite care.

Actually, as already intimated, I subsequently came to realize that non-hospital respite care would have been less helpful for me because I'd most likely have had less people around me to ground my awareness - and so the hospital was, rather bizarrely, my best option in the circumstances. This was particularly the case in the light of the likelihood that the doctors and nurses, already knowing me a bit, would understand that, albeit by some means quite mysterious to them, I'd most likely make a speedy 'recovery' without any real need for medical intervention.

This time, however, it was not to gloomy Wonford House but to the neighbouring Cedars hospital, and the experience was tremendously different from my previous hospitalizations. The Cedars is a really nice building, with what I felt as a warm and friendly energy both outside and within (at least, compared with Wonford House!). The nurses were wonderful and really made me feel that I had caring and supportive friends around me. I had the same consultant as before, but it felt quite a bit different with him this time.

The Cedars, partly shaded by a cedar tree (surprise, surprise!), 
 where the weird experiences mentioned below (and a lot more!) took place. 
 Wonford House hospital looms in the background. 
 -- Or is it all an astral replica of them?

My energy no longer had its previous defensive and combative elements and I felt at ease with the consultant and, at least on the surface he showed a surprising degree of respect for me and my self-command, even while agreeing to disagree on the principle and practical details of using medication. Although of course still constrained by his own limited outlook, he seemed this time to be a more caring individual than previously - more like a friend - who wanted the very best for me, even though he really had no idea what that 'best' would be, and, while requiring me to take some medication while I was there (after all, that was a requirement embedded in the whole psychiatric hospital mindset), he accepted with apparent good grace that I had a different viewpoint and was taking my daily Risperidone* at the hospital only as a sop to the system and would drop it the moment I was discharged (which indeed I did), and he didn't seem to be unduly troubled by that. No doubt the consultant was more flexible and accommodating towards me now because he was presumably aware that considerable positive changes had occurred in me, and that since my previous hospital admissions I hadn't been going to rack and ruin through lack of his medical-model-based 'assistance'.

* Risperidone is an anti-psychotic, which the consultant prescribed for me after the initial strong drugging with the widely used anti-psychotic Haloperidol. The 5 mg Haloperidol tablets had caused me very troublesome and persistent drowsiness (and hadn't stopped the ordeals during my first day or so, so its use was clearly absolutely pointless), and the consultant told me that urine retention was a known side effect of that drug; hence his then prescribing the alternative, which in the small (0.5 mg) dose used, seemed to have no obvious effect on me, good or bad (which was fine by me - my taking it being a sort of placebo for the doctors!).

The crisis ran its course over my first two days / nights at the hospital*, with me having amazing inner experiences in astral realms**, including my spending some very long periods (seemingly multiple nights within one night) going through some hilariously confused fictional but real-seeming scenarios including being 'guided' through some supposedly benign Satanistic practices, all in an extremely realistic astral replica of the hospital and its staff and patients, complete with fire engines arriving and police repeatedly searching for me (which never happened in the 'real', physical world), and also my being shown a selection of clips from various people's night terror and 'hell' experiences, allegedly some from people in previous universes.

* Of course this meant that the dark force had got me neatly out of the way so that the long awaited The Work workshop was not able to happen, for on Tuesday 12th September I was only just coming out of the weird experiences of the crisis event and was in no state to run any workshop. We can speculate till the cows come home on a blue moon in a month of Sundays, about to what extent it was 'just coincidence' that the crisis was so well timed to prevent that workshop from happening.

Because of the huge amount of work for me to publicize that workshop, and the minimal response I'd had, I didn't attempt to arrange a similar workshop again. Indeed, all the signs since have been that nowhere in the mental healthcare service, nor in any of its peripheral services, organizations or support groups, is there any significant interest in real healing - as I've already remarked about the Joan of Arc Project (now the Bridge Collective). At best, people want to be 'cured', but don't want the major positive change that would come about from real, comprehensive healing (i.e. self realization process), nor in gaining any proper understanding of so-called mental illness and personality disorder. That whole arena is one of people colluding with each other in maintaining their confusions and complete denial of any underlying cause of people's problems - and thus really a complete denial of their own humanity.

** I give an explanation of astral realms, including examples of some of my astral realm experiences in this hospitalization, in Illusory Realities and Human Irrationality.

Because I had so much more clarity of mind by this stage well on in 2006, I can actually say that in an important sense I ENJOYED* those experiences, even though they were taxing and were nothing I'd ever have chosen to go through. They were so awesome in their disturbing ways, and in a way I felt privileged to have been given the opportunity to be peaceful and loving observer of such things - bearing in mind that it was only for a short spell and I knew from my depths that I was fundamentally sound and no harm would really come to me.

* Shock horror - "This guy ENJOYED such horrible, disgusting and evil things?", I hear somebody whispering...

Well, no, I didn't in quite the way that people usually mean by that word 'enjoy', for I was experiencing these things as an enlightened person. In true enlightened living you get an underlying enjoyment and sense of wonder through ALL life experience, never mind whether parts of it would be described by non-enlightened people as bad, terrible, evil, terrifying or unspeakably frightful.

For a while during those highly interesting and demanding experiences I became aware of what seemed to be massive healing energy coming in from what I took to be higher beings, and my neck speedily became restored to its condition prior to the big hike. Indeed, allegedly it had been starting to heal much more than that, but because this was an exceptional type of healing that used an energy template of my spine in a relatively unworn state, for the healing to work properly I'd have needed to be lying motionless for an hour or two for the healing to fully consolidate or 'take'*, and so as I moved about I inadvertently broke up most of the energy matrix that could have almost fully repaired my spine. The net result was my spine still being in poor condition, but at least no worse than immediately before the big hike. At least, no ghoulish head-falling-off scenario after all!

* I'm pretty sure that really the physical 'healing' then was altogether fake. I've come to realize that the dark force could simulate my neck getting a lot worse by causing certain neck muscles to be in excess tension, which in turn would cause more than normal clicks and scrunching and rubbing of bone on bone to try and frighten me. My neck returns to its previous (still poor) state when the dark force reduces that tampering with those muscles. So, the neck getting worse and then being given healing was actually easy to simulate.

The presence of supportive people around me in the hospital was massively restoring my grounding and so my 'balance' was rapidly restoring - so after the first two days at the hospital I was already out of the obvious astral realm experiences and was buoyant, relaxed and feeling an increasing happy, youthful energy and vigour, just biding my time till I was let out.

As in my previous hospitalizations I had little to do during my days there, and spent a good deal of time in leisurely strolling up and down the corridors. However, this time my mind was much more happily and positively engaged, for increasingly I found that I was able to get what I took to be valuable new information from my higher consciousness, managing to bypass the interference from the entities*. So, my happy and radiant peaceful walking 'meditations' were constructively used in periodically gaining what I thought was new information and insights about myself and the Cosmos, which would subsequently be the basis of new and challenging material on this website.

* As I now understand, I was still being 'pixie-led' by the dark force in all that channelling, even though less obviously so. As long as I was channelling rather than energy testing, I was bound to be picking up all sorts of troublesomely distorted and misleading 'information'.

As from April 2007, I let go of ALL channelled information, then understanding that channelled information from anyone - no matter what their reputation as a channel - is unreliable and intrinsically problematical for us. It was in May 2007 that I finally took up energy testing. For more about all this please see Better Without Channelling.

Nurses getting an undeserved bad name...

Periodically during my stay this time, there were disturbances where a group of the nurses would rush from the ward office to restrain one particular 'patient'. I could see how such events could get the nurses a very bad name through their being perceived to be wielding crude power over somebody who was failing to conform and be a 'good little girl'. And indeed the woman concerned was frequently, amid her floods of tears, going on and on about how oppressive the nurses and their whole system were, and how unnecessarily heavy handed they were being towards her.

Yet, although I felt sorry for that woman, my prime sympathies were with the nurses, for that woman was giving them a difficult and stressful time by repeatedly making disturbances that clearly looked to the nurses as though something really untoward could happen, an in any case they were disruptive for the peace of mind of everyone, including all the other 'patients', so clearly something did need to be done about the disturbances she was creating.

I have no idea whether there would have been a better way for the nurses to handle those particular disturbances, without forcefully restraining that woman, but I was really wishing that the latter had been in a sufficiently receptive state of mind that I could gently point out to her how much really nice and genuinely friendly response I myself had been getting from the nurses simply by thinking of them as people like myself, with their own needs and vulnerabilities, doing a difficult and stressful job, and always considering how I could actually be some sort of friend to each one, making his / her job that bit less stressful and indeed more enjoyable. That includes such matters as being responsible and considerate about how one expresses one's troublesome feelings in such a communal environment. There's nothing quite like being friendly and considerate to the nurses for one to gain consistently friendly and considerate responses from them! Stands to reason!

So, when we hear of heavy-handed behaviour from nurses it's well worth bearing in mind that much more often than not, the nurses are not at all meaning to be unnecessarily forceful in dealing with a disturbance, and are simply doing the very best they know how in order to keep the psychiatric unit a reasonably peaceful and unstressful place for all its occupants. Unfortunately many psychiatric patients are at least to some extent lacking in a proper sense of their responsibility, and it's inevitable that if they behave in disruptive ways they will be dealt with in some sort of forceful manner if they don't desist when asked to do so.

Of course, where force is used without there being a disturbance or some sort of real threat from a patient, that would suggest genuine malpractice, and I've no doubt that that does occur in some psychiatric units - and I've certainly heard of many cases of psychiatric patients being far too readily forcibly given injections - 'chemical coshes' - to sedate them. Anyway, my own observations in all my hospitalizations failed to show up any 'horror stories' of seriously bad nurse behaviour, and, overall, showed them up pretty consistently in a good light - bearing in mind that they were constrained by the crassness of the whole psychiatric establishment.

A prompt end to urine retention - and final discharge...

Discharge came just a week after my admittance, with the consultant and doctor taking great trouble to ensure that I was released as quickly as possible but with all care being taken to ensure that I was not left with any troublesome issues. In particular I'd gone into urine retention again in the first two days, allegedly possibly the Haloperidol having precipitated it*, and had then been catheterized, and the consultant and doctor actually made an impromptu decision (at my suggestion) to remove the catheter immediately before I left (so saving the delay I'd have otherwise had through having to get an appointment at the urology department at the main hospital), and to see that I had some sensible post-discharge follow-up. I not only take my sun hat off to those two, but (if it were not for considerations of sensible decorum) I'd have given them both a warm and loving hug!

* That was the consultant's view, as urine retention is a known side effect of Haloperidol. However, as I've already remarked with respect to my urine retention episode during my first hospitalization, at home Haloperidol never appeared to have that effect on me, and on the other hand the dark force certainly did frequently constrict my bladder sphincter and make it difficult to pee (and also severely constricted my anus, making my haemorrhoids very painful). Since then I have been able to get confirmation about this by means of energy testing, which has indicated clearly that although Haloperidol, like ALL other antipsychotics, is seriously harmful in all sorts of subtle long-term effects that the medics neither know nor want to know about, for me personally it was not significantly affecting my urine flow, and virtually the whole culprit for my peeing troubles was particular dark force interference. My prostate enlargement was only a minor factor.

Visit 4 - Nobby taken seriously at last!

On Sunday 22nd October 2006 the 'entities' (i.e. the dark force) unleashed upon me a seemingly massively strong attack. My 'guidance' was emphatic that this was the strongest attack I'd ever had - though because of my greatly increased strength now I was not as badly affected by that as I'd been by certain attacks in 2004/5. The attacks had been cranking up over the previous 3 days, and after I'd cleared up after my evening meal on this Sunday I saw little option but to phone the Crisis Resolution Team again. Two lovely people from the team visited me just ¾ hour later, and it was agreed that they would take me into the Cedars hospital again right then. Curiously, my 'guidance' (allegedly my higher consciousness but of course really still the dark force) was emphatic that this was what was meant to happen at this point - I was actually meant to get hospitalized*.

* Yes, that was true in one sense, in that the dark force appeared then to be meaning to get me hospitalized in order to gain a continuation of the appearance to many people of me being somehow mentally disordered, so greatly harming my credibility as a promoter of self healing and true self realization. There was, however, no 'higher' or bona fide presence or 'will' that was meaning me to be hospitalized.

On the other hand, as on other occasions, I'm pretty sure that the dark force was actually trying to cover up its failure to achieve its primary aim - still to wreck me or take me over in a way that I explain further below. Each time previously, once I'd decided that enough was enough of the particular crisis level attack event and I'd get into hospital or at least call the Crisis Team, I'd effectively scuppered the primary dark force wrecking intent for me at that point - but naturally the dark force wouldn't then admit such defeat, but would seek to cover up by indicating that hospital or calling the Crisis Team was just what I was meant to be doing then.

This time it was into the other ward (Coombehaven) that I was directed as all the beds in Delderfield were full, though it made little difference because the two wards were very similar and there was an interchange of staff between the two.

Whereas in my previous hospitalization-causing crises my awareness had been ungrounded enough for me to be confused at a certain level by the 'entities' (i.e. really the dark force) as to what was reality and what was fiction, and had thus been technically 'psychotic' in the doctors' view for the first day or two each time, on this occasion I stayed well enough grounded that I'd remained impervious to the dark force's attempts to aggressively pose as guidance that I supposedly had to follow, and to give me fiction that I was supposed to believe - and nearly all the time I managed even to be switched out of the 'voice channel' altogether. So my only issue this time was the attack. This eased off to a fair extent during that Sunday evening*, was much less on the Monday**, and was down to background level on the Tuesday. Indeed, on the Tuesday afternoon I was seen by two doctors who allowed me out on home leave pretty well at once, to come back the following afternoon to report back and, all being well, to be formally discharged - as duly happened.

* Actually, because I was strong enough to be so peaceful that evening despite the attack, and not trembling by the time I was taken to the hospital, the dark force actually added to the attack some mild hypermania (which was visible), just to help convince hospital staff during my admission process that there really was something up with me - to help ensure that I didn't get sent straight home again that evening. Actually, apart from the medication it really was helpful to be out of my flat and among some supportive people for a couple of days, so, although there would have been no benign intent of the dark force in helping to ensure that I was hospitalized, it was (presumably inadvertently) quite helpful in that one respect. As I already carried the stigma of having been in a psychiatric hospital, one more very short stay wouldn't make any significant difference to that stigma.

** In fact on that Monday, early evening, I was assisted in the grounding of my awareness by one particular thing that was nothing to do with the hospital - Mother Nature instead: there was a mild thunderstorm! I love thunderstorms (which are a rarity in Exeter even in the summer), and the nursing staff seemed to trust me enough to allow me to stand just outside the main doorway to watch the occasional flashes of lightning across the (night) sky and enjoy the wild atmosphere with the squall and heavy rain and hail falling.

However, as I suddenly realized in October 2009, there was actually more to that experience than I realized at the time.

Because I was so much more together this time when I was admitted, along with the previous experience of me recovering quickly with minimal medication during my hospitalizations, this time nobody sought to get me to take initial stronger medication, and what medication I had was minimal right through (0.5 mg Risperidone twice daily - the placebo for the doctors - and an optional Zopiclone sleeping tablet at bedtime, which I took for the first night), so I had no troublesome drowsiness at all. Also, this time, despite the dark force interfering a bit with my pee sphincter, I didn't go into actual urine retention, so right from the start this hospitalization was a relaxed one with no distracting issues.

Once again, during my stay there I had really nice and positive interactions with staff and various patients, and the doctors were very interested indeed in my insights into what was going on for me, and my insights into the true healing issues and healing options that underlie virtually all mental health and personality disorder issues. Although those insights of mine at that time were still quite distorted, because they were still based on channelled 'information', progressively my understandings were 'sharpening up' and already becoming a bit closer to the picture that I subsequently pieced together from mid 2007 onwards, using energy testing instead of channelling.

I left feeling truly uplifted by the experience, and knowing that in any future crises I was now strong and grounded enough to have only the attack and not significant confusions to deal with, and so any future hospitalizations could be similarly brief, and with a great deal of respect from the doctors as well as nurses, and minimal risk of getting seriously regarded as mentally ill or disordered because of my crisis-level attacks and higher perceptions and unorthodox  insights into mental health issues - at least, as long as I was still in Exeter and dealing with more or less the same people.

Yes, Nobby taken seriously at last - and they're still not satisfied!

During my consultation with a doctor on the first morning there I was tickled by one detail. The particular doctor, a lovely guy who saw me on occasions during my previous hospitalization, was asking me some questions about this particular crisis that had been the cause of my readmission this time, and was writing down notes of what I said. I told him how much more strong and grounded and in command of my situation I was now, and, as an aside I remarked that I regularly made fun of the 'entities' when they sought to interfere with me, and called them Nobby or indeed Little Knob ("because they stick themselves into everyone's business" ) to anger and belittle them. True to his medical training, the doctor appeared to be studiously writing even those details down. So after that I was getting the giggles whenever I thought of that and how the notes he took then would look - and the face of some more straight-laced doctor who happens to read those notes in the future!

Oh well, there will always be some people who will see me as nuts!

A doctor's dilemma...

The abovementioned doctor, who I shall call V (not his real initial) clearly was in some inner conflict about me, in a similar sort of way to what I've already described relating to the consultant. I didn't encounter him in my first two hospitalizations, so my first dealings with him were in my third hospitalization, when I first came to the Cedars. I could see at once that he had a much deeper awareness and altogether more inner freedom and flexibility about him than the consultant or that ward doctor in Wonford House. He also seemed to like me a lot and to be really interested in my very different angle on 'mental health' issues - in a way that seemed pretty genuine (i.e. not just patronization to keep me happy).

He even had a brief e-mail exchange with me after that September hospitalization, relating to things on my Self Realization & Spirituality website (as it was at that time). His tone was warm, enthusiastic and friendly.

But during this October 2006 hospitalization it was different. He was still friendly and enthusiastic in manner, but he'd put a clear barrier between himself and me, and always addressed me formally, as "Mr Goddard". NONE of the other staff - consultant, doctors, nurses nor anyone else - had addressed me thus, and during my September hospitalization he'd been just as happy as anyone else there to call me Philip. It wasn't just the words of his addressing me, though. This time his whole demeanour and various turns of phrase were used to put across the strong unspoken message, "Yes, I know I opened up a bit to you, but that was careless of me because I have to think of my professional reputation as a psychiatric doctor..." - and of course I was left feeling a bit snubbed, though not seriously so because I could see what was going on, and I was just a bit sorry for him. I suppose my main feeling was just a small disappointment that he'd drawn back from the brink of opening up his life with new and greatly important insights - and I felt also that there was something about him that made him a 'natural' to be an ongoing personal friend of mine, and presumably he'd been aware of that too, and that was part of what had caused him to take fright and stick up that barrier.

Of course there's the possibility that he may have felt something stronger towards me and potentially not so helpful, such as an emotional or sexual attraction - and if that were the case his taking fright a bit and putting up that barrier would have been particularly understandable. But what he had no means of knowing was how aware and responsible I happen to be about such matters, and, far from drawing him into any inappropriate relationship, I'd have encouraged a truly healthy friendship centred around sharing healthy activities, such as co-working on using and developing genuine healing and self realization methods, and, according to his particular interests, perhaps getting out hiking together sometimes, and so on. I simply wouldn't have allowed anything unhealthy or truly professionally compromising to develop.

Since that hospitalization I sent out a very occasional newsletter to relevant mental healthcare workers, including the nurses, the consultant, V, the Crisis Resolution Team, my 'community psychiatric nurse' (of which more further below) and my own doctor. In that newsletter I gave updates on my further insights and progress in clearing my troubles from the dark force. I got feedback that this was very much appreciated - not least, because of the ongoing friendly interest I was taking in them. However, I never got any response to those from V. -- Nothing actually wrong about that, of course, and nowhere in this account do I mean any criticism of him at all, but I mention it simply as part of the picture of his having sadly felt obliged to clam up towards me. Professional status is everything, and genuine human considerations get forced into, at best, second place.

Drugs - that ever-mandatory final course to meals

There's just one other little point to mention before I finish about my Cedars visits. I mentioned previously about the drug dispensing sessions being in the 'Clinic Room' next to the dining room in Wonford House. Well, here in Cedars the equivalent 'clinic room' was just a little further removed from the dining room. So, guess what! The nurses had it all organized that, late in mealtimes, they brought out a sort of cocktail bar trolley with the mouthwatering (and unfortunately mind-and-body-screwing) sweeties (i.e. 'candies' to you USA folk!), and parked it right outside the dining room entrance, to remind everyone that it was time for their final and most sumptuous course. You've just had Strawberry Surprise, Caramel Whip or Angel Delight? Now it's your turn, maybe, for Diazepam Surprise or Haloperidol Marvel - not to mention Temazepam Twirl, Seroquel Split, Zyprexa Zuggle or Zopiclone Zest... All washed down with a priceless little measure of delicious, life supporting Exeter tap water...

How would one live without it? I can't wait to get back there - yum yum!

Follow-up - the dreaded CPN!

The Crisis Team had notified the area mental health services of my hospitalizations, and so some days after my return home I was contacted by my allocated 'care co-ordinator' (previously known as community psychiatric nurse (CPN) or psychiatric social worker). I'd had a CPN following on from my December 2004 hospitalization, but although he was a nice guy he was really too busy to be a useful support when I was under severe attack (and there seemed to be something a little 'fuzzy' and unfocused in his outlook, which actually didn't make him feel as supportive as would really have helped me), and after a little while I'd got the mental health services to drop my 'case' as an 'active' one so I no longer had the occasional contacts from him.

This time I learnt that that CPN had left, and the temporary one allocated to me was a very nice, accepting and supportive woman - and with quite an openness and depth of awareness herself. She was very accepting of my unorthodox description of what had been going on for me - indeed she was really interested in what I said, and even was keen to get reading some of my writings on this site (albeit the relevant ones being quite a bit different from how they are now, and at that stage still containing quite a lot of channelled misinformation).

She did something that the previous CPN never did - got together with me to draw up an official Care Plan. Although such care plans have no doubt widely been one of the system's tools for imposing its 'medical model' regime upon 'service users', in this case my Care Plan turned out to be a Bloody Good Thing.

This document enabled me to put into it my own account of what was going on for me and what was most helpful for me and what was unhelpful for me, and also to explain to care workers unfamiliar with me just what they may observe when I'm experiencing problems. The care co-ordinator gave me a draft of the document and invited me to write certain sections that were still blank and to rewrite others to ensure that my own view was 100% conveyed.

Copies of this document would then, when finally agreed and typed up, go to the Crisis Resolution Team and my doctor, and it would be available on computer for all mental healthcare workers who at any time got involved with me. That would ensure that healthcare workers who had dealings with me and had read my details would know to a fair extent how to be supportive, what was unhelpful to me, and what my medication needs were(n't). I was even allowed to include in my care plan the addresses of relevant web pages of mine, including this one, to further inform the care workers.

Although that particular care co-ordinator was only temporary, she told me that if I wasn't happy with my next one I was fully entitled to ask for a different one*. I've heard many horror stories of CPNs who in my view were grossly unsuitable to be employed in that or any type of care work, because of lack of awareness and their having major emotional issues of their own which they were not addressing and were allowing to adversely affect their interactions with 'service users' - so it's well worth knowing that one doesn't have to stick with an unsupportive or even abusive CPN / care co-ordinator.

* In the event I was very happy with my new allocated care co-ordinator, a delightful man with considerable awareness and openness, who showed real interest in my explanations of what has been going on for me. However, when I first met him, in passing I saw two of the other care co-ordinators, who came out to meet other clients, and I was aware that neither of them would have got on so well with me, for neither had the sort of awareness that would enable them to be so open to a viewpoint outside the 'medical model' - though I'm sure they'd have still done their best to try to make sense of what I said.

I strongly recommend to other 'service users' that they don't accept less than the best, and insist on a change of care co-ordinator if they don't feel that their present one is properly supportive and accepting, and to ensure that their own understanding and viewpoint is fully and accurately represented in their care plan, so that the latter is an instrument of true support for them and not an instrument of oppression from the medics and other care workers.

Not Quite a Visit 5 - The alleged departure of 'Mr Pooh'!

As recounted in My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 2, in late December 2006 I was contacted through this website by a 'lightworker', Dalibor Zaviska, who was offering to assist me in clearing my troublesome 'entities'. I immediately got to work using the methods he gave me for supposed clearance of these interferences, and he also gave me some sessions over the phone (such work could supposedly be done remotely) with the intent to clear some of my interferences and so speed the overall clearance process.

In the early stages of the apparent clearance process I saw representations of demons in my energy system being transformed into 'Light beings' and transported away to a high 'dimension', and had various other indications at times of further groups of entities being released from me. I understood from Dalibor that actually it was not that rare for a person to have hundreds of 'dark' entities attached to them (which had to be removed in 'layers' over a period of time), so it was no surprise to me that I'd had a fair number of entities removed but yet still had more to go.

However, what I can say now is that anyone who sees themselves as a 'lightworker', and indeed almost anyone who is a healer, is to varying extents themselves being deceived and led astray by the dark force - just the same as had been interfering with me so disruptively. I am now clear that Dalibor's 'healings' for me, and the methodology he gave me, removed few if any entities or dark force connections and indeed he actually (presumably unawarely) planted some highly problematical energy manifestations in my non-physical aspects, which subsequently had been hindering my self realization and entity clearance process, and indeed had a particularly sinister significance beyond that. Both he and I were being extensively deceived by the dark force and had been simply shown various completely spurious 'visuals' of supposed demons and other types of entity being actively removed.

For this reason I am now clear that my understanding during the experiences related below was still confused by the misinformation that both I and Dalibor had been receiving.

On Saturday 3rd February 2007* I was getting various disturbing manifestations in my mindspace, including very aggressive visual 'No!' flashes in response to many of my thoughts and a very intrusive, hectoring and bullying inner 'thought voice', plus a build-up of attack, which were reminiscent of the lead-ups to previous major ordeals that had led me to hospitalizations. That night, when I went to bed and closed my eyes I saw weird and disturbing visuals that I understood to be from the 'Dark Realm'**. It was made clear to me that I wasn't going to be allowed to sleep and was going to be given some work to do. As it was supposedly some overridingly important work that it was my destiny to perform, taking a sleeping tablet was not an option. This then led into my being taken through the most monumentally spectacular and severe all-night ordeal that I'd ever experienced. I was going through this for about 10 hours in Earth time, but subjectively I was in a rather different timescale, the ordeal seeming to last about 16 hours.

* Actually, this crisis didn't come out of the blue on that day, but once again it was a culmination of a build-up over about two weeks, with myself getting more and more embroiled in a convoluted story that the dark force was giving me and seeking to get entangled with my ongoing self healing work. However, I was much more resistant to any attempts to get me allowing myself to be dragged through gruelling ordeals, so the problems during the two-week build-up were just increasingly convoluted 'story' about myself and my alleged 'soul history', and of course attacks, which at times were quite severe but generally not enough to be as disruptive for me as during the previous really serious attack crisis events.

But then on that Saturday it was as though the dark force had succeeded in overcoming some particular protective 'block' that I'd had in place, and it was only then that I became aware that it was looking to be another crisis event developing.

** This was another bit of troublesome misinformation! What was actually happening was that the dark force was showing me particular types of night hell (aka night terrors) visuals, though at that point it was not attacking me, at least to a great extent, with the intense fear-related emotions that make the complete night hell / night terrors experience.

There was an involved story behind what I went through on this particular night, but I'm not going into that here. Suffice it to say that for an alleged very special 'higher' purpose I was being taken through experiences purporting to be those of part of the supposed Creator consciousness itself, actually at the supposed beginning of Creation when, allegedly the so-called Dark Realm formed*. This involved my being taken through visual impressions of myself as part of the Creator consciousness actually becoming the Dark Realm and being given intense feelings of the terror that was allegedly the basis of the whole Dark Realm - my task being to maintain my awareness of myself as Creator consciousness and so continuing to be peaceful observer of all the experiences, no matter how severe. The alleged purpose of this was to bring healing to the 'dark' part of the Creator consciousness and thus assist an alleged healing and 'Enlightening' process for the whole Dark Realm.

* All the story about the purported Dark Realm and indeed Creator Consciousness that I was receiving at that time was actually a convoluted fiction that was an immense distortion of what I now understand to be the true state of affairs. For more about the latter please see The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks. So, please be aware that the non-physical 'reality' that I was engaging with in this particular crisis situation was actually an illusory one that I was being given by the dark force, and was NOT something that I would nowadays call 'real'.

After a short while immersed in the purported Dark Realm impressions I would be prompted to draw myself back to the 'Light' of the main part of the Creator consciousness and then to go back into the 'Dark Realm', a bit more deeply and intensely - till after several such 'descents' of increasing depth and severity I descended to a level where it seemed as though my body would break up if the terror feelings became any more severe (but still while I was being the peaceful observer of the experience and not actually getting terrified). Then, after that most intense incursion into 'the Dark', I was taken into a whole range of purported scenes in the supposed Dark Realm, with strong 'terror' feelings* to match - all the time succeeding in being the peaceful observer and so actually not getting emotionally traumatized by any of this, though of course it was still very taxing.

Actually the purported Dark Realm scenes that I was shown were simply different sets of night hell / night terrors visuals.

* Although at the time I thought of myself as being attacked with terror feelings, and my so-called 'guidance' was describing the attacks as being with terror, it's really not possible to label such feelings accurately with a specific emotion like that. Basically I was getting a very strong and menacing ache at my solar plexus, and its intensity varied a great deal, so that when it was at its very strongest it seemed to extend out into my limbs. I was not getting the standard physical symptoms of terror, and had almost no bouts of trembling.

Having already been through the most intense experiences at a pretty early stage in the ordeal, the purported 'being raped by demons' tableau, when it eventually came, relatively late on, was quite an anticlimax, for the images presented at that point were very confused and vague (indeed with nothing that I could identify as having sexual connotations), and I was watching it all more with an anticipatory curiosity rather than being scared or upset by it - the attack with nasty feelings being comparatively subdued at that point and only mildly mixed with a few transient waves of sexual arousal.

As time dragged on and on, and I was eventually thinking it must be close to getting-up time, and I was wondering how much longer this was going to go on for, I was given more intimidating scenarios, being told that for a particular supposedly higher purpose (which I won't go into here) I'd then got to actually jump right into the Dark Realm instead of just observing - but some sort of inner 'warning signal' of mine caused me repeatedly not to allow myself to try to do that, despite the increasing pressure upon me to do so.

This last paragraph has an extremely chilling significance, as I came to understand only in late November 2007. Basically, the dark force was trying to get me to go out-of-body sufficiently for it to stage a partial walk-in upon me, which would have been disastrous for me if it had succeeded.

Finally, it being clear that it was way past my normal getting-up time, and having been told I'd now got bloodthirsty demons set upon me to eat up my body and ensure that I now fell into the Dark Realm to become a 'dark' being there, the more grounded part of my awareness, which had been my saving feature all along, thought "Sod the lot of you!" - and I got out of bed!

Yes, my very own 'stinky finger' to my so-called 'guidance', 
 even though it purported to be the Creator Consciousness itself!

Immediately I was out of bed and on my legs I was staggering all over the place and could feel all sorts of ominous burning-tingling feelings moving about in various parts of my body. The bullying inner voice was shouting at me that I was a fool and should get back onto my bed at once, as the demons were in the process of eating my body and I'd just fall over and die an agonizing death anyway in a moment. I was also given a very strong impression that I was not really awake in the real world at all but was in a replica of it in an astral realm* - something that I had experienced genuinely during my September ordeals during my first night or two at The Cedars.

* Astral realms are explained in Illusory Realities and Human Irrationality, and I recount there some of my astral realm experiences during my first stay at Cedars.

In fact in retrospect I'm sure that my being aware that I was or could be in an astral realm then was effectively a warning signal for me, for, despite all the confusions, I then had an inkling that quite possibly if I didn't take decisive action at that point in some way to step out of that astral realm by means of getting my awareness grounded I might not have another chance to do so and could be effectively cut off from 'real' reality.

Despite feeling a great resistance against flying in the face of what the voice was telling me to do, and this strong sense that I was just in an astral realm and therefore there was nothing I could do to change things for the better, I chose to force myself to go ahead and get breakfast - even if it was all a replica in an astral realm and indeed felt like it would be just too much trouble. If demons really were feasting on me, then, okay, I'd soon be dead anyway. Otherwise, breakfast for me seemed a pretty good option for continuing to live! So, despite an eerily strong feeling of resistance, but also being aware of the many troublesome fictitious scenarios that had been given to me so convincingly at various times before, I made myself have breakfast, and then phoned the Crisis Resolution Team* (never mind whether that too was an astral replica!), for at that stage I actually wanted to get back into Cedars for just a couple of nights, so I could once more get into balance, thwarting the pressures from the bullying 'entity'.

* As I now understand it, this was actually crucial, for I was actually in some danger at that point because I was indeed in an astral realm in which the dark force could quite possibly have taken full possession of me (in the sense of getting me nicely 'fitted up' with a controlling and highly troublesome partial walk-in or spirit attachment or do something else to me that would have effectively wrecked or destroyed me). It was my determinedly followed choices to get and eat breakfast and then call the Crisis Team that brought me fully out of the astral replica of my flat, into the 'real world' version of it and thus out of the clutches of the dark force.

The Crisis people were wonderful. Within an hour I had two of them - lovely people - visit me. They were greatly supportive, and it was clear that my previous positive interactions with the Crisis Team had helped, for they all had a liking and respect for me, knowing that basically I knew what my needs were and thus could assist them in being as helpful as possible. On this occasion, they very apologetically told me that just then there were no free hospital beds locally*, so it was a matter of getting what support I could from the Crisis Team people themselves. They had a long and very supportive chat with me and agreed for me to phone them for a chat when I felt the need, and to have further visits from them on subsequent days.

I understand that Ash Ward in Wonford House was closed down soon after my last hospitalization there, and, more recently, Bucknill, the remaining 'acute' ward there, was also closed - patients then being directed to The Cedars, resulting in a still greater over-stretching of the local psychiatric hospital facilities.

* That was probably the case, but I can't rule out the possibility that, in the light of my self command and (to them) quite dramatic recovery during previous hospitalizations, a decision had been made at some level that I was generally too low a priority person for hospitalization, in view of the considerable and increasing pressure on their hospital bedspace.

It was greatly helpful to have so much loving and caring support from these people, and just knowing that they were really caring about me and were putting themselves on the line as much as they could was a great reassurance. However, there was one looming problem - what would happen during that Sunday night when I went to bed - still here alone in my flat? Yes, I'd take a Zopiclone sleeping tablet plus a little Risperidone, but if the 'entities' (i.e. the dark force) interfered and attacked strongly again, then that medication would not be enough to get me much or even any sleep - and I wasn't going to play about with higher doses (so much for my supposed suicidal tendencies!).

My concerns were underlined during afternoon and evening, as I felt a rising pressure of 'entity' attack, and the bullying inner voice was pressuring me to contact all manner of people to cry out for help - though in practice there was nobody just then for me to usefully 'cry out' to apart from the Crisis Team people.  When bedtime came, with trepidation and still feeling a quite strong attack, I took my Zopiclone and Risperidone and got into bed - but then actually fell asleep even before the medication had had time to act, and then I had a pretty good night's sleep after all!

On the Monday evening I had an emergency session over the phone with Dalibor Zaviska, and as a result of this, supposedly I finally got the bullying entity removed. My understanding at that point was that it had been the ringleader in all my troubles, 'orchestrating' the interference and attacks from 'astral entities' of various purported types as well as posing as some sort of higher guidance itself, so my at last getting it sent off appeared to be quite a coup.

As part of my policy of supposedly belittling and disempowering these 'dark' beings, I retrospectively named the departed troublemaker Pooh Bear, or, more respectfully, Mr Pooh.

Although after that I still had interference and at times lesser attacks from 'dark entities' (i.e. the dark force), at least then, so I thought, I knew the true nature of the cause of the big ordeals and various other major troubles*, and had got rid of it.

* Actually, no, I didn't know half of it then! I was still being decidedly misinformed and confused because I was then still accepting information from what I was assuming was a 'higher' and thus supposedly beneficial and reliable source. I have learnt since that ALL apparently external non-physical entities / beings or information sources are bogus and are appearances or apparitions created in people's minds by the dark force, as explained in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

In fact almost certainly no entities of any significance, including that supposed 'Mr Pooh' (or Little Poo as I liked to refer to it) had actually been removed at that stage in early 2007. It's an old deceit of the dark force to pretend that it is actual removable entities that have been sent off, when all it has done is to have suddenly gone more into hiding, then continuing to interfere in more sneaky, covert ways. Indeed, my understanding now is that 'astral entities' cannot be bodily sent off, ever! That is because their true nature is not actual beings that can be sent off at all, but more like a mass of elaborate thought form complexes within the astral sub-reality, which we are all connected to. Their interferences and attacks can, however, be gradually 'faded out' of one's life experience through taking up a really effective and comprehensive self realization methodology.

However, all that said, in late October 2008 I gained a new understanding about the true nature of the dark force and how it had been interacting with me, and I'm now pretty sure that 'Mr Pooh' was part of a particular sequence of manifestations to me caused by the cacoprotean network - what I now understand to be the primary aspect of the dark force - giving me some relatively direct attention in a really concerted attempt to take me over or destroy me in one way or another. I think such (relatively) direct interference from that network came to me only during my most serious crisis events.

---

What all this 'performance' was REALLY about

This is a later addition, where I can at last let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, because, although I have not yet fully cleared out all my dark force interference, I have cleared out plenty enough to have gained liberating new insights on what has been going on. I now have a great deal of insight into the agenda and modus operandi of what I'd been interpreting as 'astral beings' (i.e. really the dark force).

The circumstances of my gaining this new understanding

As related in some detail in the relevant updates to My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 1, in mid-May 2007 I went on a really life-changing and, from my perspective, world shaking, Energy Awareness Training workshop run by Stephen and Lynda Kane*. Although the latter couple talk mostly in terms of developing energy awareness, what their workshop and whole methodology appeared to be about, if used in a consistent and ongoing way, was self realization, in by far the most powerful, efficient and comprehensive manner that I'd yet encountered. The notion of 'energy awareness' here is quite different from what you'd encounter in so-called energy awareness workshops anywhere else, because whereas to most people 'energy awareness' means freaky things like seeing people's auras and chakras and probably things like spirits and supposed guides and angels, which is actually extremely unhealthy ungrounded energy awareness, this particular type of energy awareness was of the healthy, grounded type.

* You can read about the relevant parts of their methodology, with my own extensions of that, in Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way. I should point out that over time I've come to see that Stephen and Lynda Kane are still in various respects being sidetracked by the dark force, especially in their supposed perceptions of 'higher' realities and 'spirits' - so I am NOT giving a blanket recommendation to all of their methodology or their ideas or their advanced workshops, and instead point to the latter-mentioned page on this site as anyone's best basis for taking up a genuinely effective and comprehensive self realization methodology.

What this means in practice is that instead of seeing freaky non-physical things you simply become aware of the subtle energies around you and are able to tell what is affecting you positively and what is affecting you negatively. This enables you to live your life in a vastly more healthy manner than otherwise, and continually to remove or avoid what is having unhealthy or weakening effects for you, and to choose what is strengthening and health enhancing for you.

At that workshop I learnt a simple and easy means of 'energy testing', which enabled me to start finding out for myself what was strengthening or weakening for me, and I also gained from there an immensely powerful set of mostly energetic yogic practices (NOT ordinary yoga) for progressively building up the strength of all one's non-physical aspects and healing all accumulated damage therein. All these methods, when used well, are fully grounding, unlike, say the various spiritual healing methods that I'd been using, which had all been ungrounding and thus actually making me more rather than less vulnerable to the dark force and entities.

These practices have a whole range of truly wonderful effects, for they progressively 'squeeze out' the interference of the dark force and entities and also reverse the vast majority of accumulated negative changes that people generally assume are age related and thus irreversible. Indeed, since that workshop the arthritis in my right knee, which stopped me hiking during the winter of 2006-7, receded at an accelerating rate, and by late 2007 it was hardly an issue for me, and soon within 2008 it was effectively cured. I was 66 in 2008, so, that was no mean feat. Neither was it any mean feat that not only was I able to resume hiking, but in August 2007, once more I walked the 21 miles and over 1,100 metres of ascent on the coast path from Exmouth to Beer, and generally from then on, neither length nor strenuousness of a route was an issue for me. Enter the very happy 'pensioner'!

Also, as soon as I'd got going with the practices in May 2007, every day I felt a new level of a stable, joyful happiness that didn't fluctuate or go away when any situation presented what you might call an emotional challenge - including further attacks from the dark force. This was NOT like what many people report of their ordinary Yoga or, say, Tai Chi. Typically with such practices people feel good and 'recharged' after their daily practice, but their state progressively 'runs down' during the day and so their next day's practice doesn't take them much further forward. In the case of the practices that I'd taken on it was quite different - as though I were on a flight of steps, going up a step each day. So each day's set of practices was not a 'recharge' at all but a clear increment of self realization and recovery from all the harmful and negative effects and influences accumulated throughout my life in any aspect of myself, whether physical or non-physical.

Even as I write, I still have the dark force interfering with me, but its ability to interfere has been slowly and steadily waning. As explained in My Own Self Realization 'Path' - Part 2, the dark force had previously been able to attack me with such severity because it was using as powerful weapons against me an incredible load of 30 'lost' human souls that had been attached to me since my first year or so of life, for it was the emotional traumas of these 'lost' souls (not my own traumas, as I simply didn't have any of my own to speak of) that were being used in the attacks. In The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks I explain in some detail about the significance of such parasitic 'lost' human souls and how they are used by the dark force as weapons and instruments of control on people.

I counsel that you do not draw the simplistic conclusion that there was something very peculiar about me if I had such lost souls attached to me. Almost certainly you yourself have some attached to you and they are similarly being used by the dark force to interfere with you to keep you turned away from true self realization, which latter would free you from the dark force's influence for good and make your life unimaginably happier and more positive in all manner of ways. What did mark me out from the crowds, however, was the exceptional size of the 'load' that I'd been given, and now we come to the reason for that and indeed just why the dark force gave me such a rough time.

The explanation in part - sinister plans for a 'partial walk-in'

This is where, to avoid duplication and further extending this page too much, I pass you to the page Partial Walk-ins - How the dark force nearly nobbled me, where I tell the unedifying story of what the dark forces were actually trying to do. Psychiatrists and other psychiatric workers in particular, please take on board particularly the paragraphs of the introduction to that page, which are specially addressed to you.

The more basic explanation - to get me out of the way somehow!

Actually, the partial walk-in attempts were only part of the more general intent of the dark force to try to get me right out of the way, even by killing me if necessary. Fortunately the series of attempts on my life that it had staged all failed, as I explain in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. The reason for this was both because at the time of my birth my 'energy' was identified by the dark force as carrying an exceptional 'freedom' and 'independence of mind' aspect, which indicated a potential strong threat to the dark force and its agenda. Also the dark force routinely 'read' my underlying life purpose of seeking to find out the true nature of the dark force and, if possible, to bring about its dissolution. That in particular would have rung strong alarm bells for the dark force - and thus, no wonder that I got landed with the 30 parasitic lost souls and then heavily targeted, initially with particularly severe childhood night hells (night terrors) and then much more recently, with all the gross interference and attacks to try to take me over or kill me.

And no wonder the dark force tried so hard to do so! What I started doing in late October 2008 must surely be the dark force's worst nightmare - that is, if the dark force could have nightmares (which actually it can't)! See Dissolution of the Dark Forces - Fact, or Fiction of the Insane?.

Thought forms - free gifts from the doctors, which nobody tells you about

I've already mentioned the nice little toxic 'sweeties' or 'candies' that the doctors quaintly call 'medication' and dish out to suppress your symptoms and your humanity at the same time, but there's something else pretty 'toxic' that the doctors hand out with total abandon - not only to the patients but to pretty well everyone who they deal with. These free gifts are totally invisible, but they also help suppress the humanity of the lucky recipients.

What on earth is this crazy man, who evidently contains more than a trace of nuts, on about?

I'll tell you. Thought forms. Ever heard of them? They're used in magic, and, most virulently, in black magic, voodoo and similar traditions. When a person puts a spell or a curse on you, that person sends you one or more thought forms, which are troublesome thoughts of one kind or another that have been given a sort of autonomous existence and can be used as weapons to harm or control another person. They are stock in trade of the 'dark' practitioner.

However, we ALL unawarely generate thought forms, many of which simply take hold on ourselves, helping us become more entrenched in our beliefs about ourselves and reality. That in itself is quite unhealthy enough! But, particularly where there are power / control related interactions between people, those people who are asserting some sort of personal status (whether real or imaginary) or control agenda over other people actually send thought forms completely unawarely to the other people, thus causing them to feel in particular ways deferential and maybe submissive, subservient or inferior to the person asserting the power / control 'message'. Such thought forms tend to remain with the affected person because the dark force has ways of keeping them in place and preventing them from dissolving over a few weeks as they otherwise would.

So, my great news for everyone who has had dealings with any sort of doctor - and particularly psychiatric doctors*, never mind how 'nice' the latter may seem to be - is that they have picked up from the particular doctor one or more thought forms that are stunting their ability to be truly themselves and to be self determining and fully responsible for themselves, and which are making them tend to be dependent on doctors and the whole medical healthcare system rather than live truly healthy lifestyles in which they are fully in charge of their own health and mental and emotional wellbeing.

* Pretty well all psychiatric doctors have strong patterns of wanting to exert control over people and to be seen as superior ("I'm okay, you're not okay" sort of thing) - even though they may be in many respects really nice people and may not be conscious at all of their problematical patterns and motivations. Indeed such personal power / control patterns pretty well always keep their lucky owners quite oblivious of their presence.

The Good News is that anyone can get dissolving such seriously mentally disabling thought forms that the doctors have unawarely given them, through use of certain of the practices that I describe or point to in Some Potent Self Realization Practices. Indeed, I describe there a practice that is particularly for dissolving thought forms, though for full effectiveness it really needs to be used in conjunction with one or more of the other practices mentioned on that page, or use of the Clarity-Sphere.

I came to find out about this in December 2007, when I was able to establish that I myself had picked up significantly problematical thought forms from the psychiatric doctors with whom I'd had dealings, which were actually to a certain extent hindering my whole self realization process (including clearance of the 'entities' - i.e. dark force interference - issue). My discovering this, however, was good news rather than bad, because I simply used the thought form dissolution procedure given in the abovementioned page.

N.B. A great way to maintain and reinforce such thought forms by a process of mutual resonance is to be an active member of any sort of mental healthcare 'service user group' or support group such as a Hearing Voices group where patients and ex-patients come together, perhaps socially. That is actually one of the most unhealthy things such people can do! Sad but true!

The only healthy way such people could come together would be in groups dedicated to self realization, in which they do not socialize, at least to any great extent, and spend their time on working together on truly effective self realization practices such as the ones presented on this site, and actually clearing the thought forms they are carrying, instead of talking about them and 'sharing' them with each other (more literally than they'd ever want if they really understood what was going on for them).

Conclusion

Like people putting fig leaves over the 'private parts' of statues of naked people (except far worse, because it does immense harm), psychiatric workers routinely stick diagnostic labels on people to protect themselves from even beginning to understand what they're really working with. That has got to stop if people, and thus the human race at large, are ever to emerge from the morass of destructive unawareness and irrationality that are increasingly threatening the very continuation of the human species on Earth. On this site I point to the real way forward for ALL mental healthcare, and it is summed up in the simple term self realization, with a top priority on grounding. To find some excellent methods to achieve these, please go to Healing and Self Realization - The Safest and Quickest Way, and also follow the links given on that page for particular methods.

Ideally that would simply mean each 'patient' or 'client' (as well as ALL psychiatric / mental healthcare workers) being fully self directing in using self realization methods on themselves. Although that is not the 'real world' at the moment, because few at this stage would take up any sort of self direction, there is a really practicable way forward in bringing self realization process into mental healthcare. That simply involves the psychiatric and mental healthcare workers taking up self realization methods themselves, using them on themselves on an ongoing, daily basis, and then after they've been experiencing significant positive change over at least some months, to start guiding patients / clients, whether individually or in groups, through practising certain of those methods themselves. On this site I present or point to a number of such methods. A particularly powerful and effective one to get groups of patients doing regularly is Power Walking, and another is Grounding Post, which I present on the same page. On the individual consultation / counselling side, guiding patients / clients through the inquiry process of The Work is by far the most (genuinely) helpful method to use, instead of all the time-wasting psychology / psychiatry based approaches, which all have the common factor of using various demeaning sorts of intellectualization that deny the people's humanity and point everyone away from addressing and resolving the real issues.

Also, with due thought and care being necessary about just how and where they are deployed and used, the Clarity-Sphere is effectively a 'must-have' for all psychiatric and indeed medical establishments - if necessary, a small number of spheres (space-active version in particular) strategically placed to give reasonably full coverage within the establishment. Great care would be needed, though, to avoid the likely practical issue of disturbed patients regarding the Spheres as some sort of threat to them, or simply their using the Spheres as missiles (potentially lethal because the Spheres are so heavy). Individual patients who were amenable to the idea could be energetically connected to a 'space-active' Clarity-Sphere to bring about progressive deep healing for them while they are within range of the Sphere. By having all Spheres in an establishment energetically connected to each other, a person tuned or connected to one would actually be effectively tuned to all within the establishment so that (s)he would remain in range and continue receiving healing as long as not actually going out anywhere.

So, to sum up from this whole page, although I withdraw nothing that I've previously said in criticism of psychiatry, I have found it possible to find a very human and loving face to my most recent situations involving it - even though I continue in a friendly manner to put out strong challenges to psychiatric and mental healthcare workers to change their outlooks and their ways. A lot of this comes down to how we are all mirrors to each other's issues. As we come to understand when we use The Work, when you have in your mind particular judgements on a situation or a person, it is because that situation or person is mirroring issues of your own which you'd do well to resolve (please take that on board, all psychiatric workers!), and which The Work (like various other self realization methods given on this site) resolves so amazingly simply and quickly if there isn't significant entity or dark force interference getting in the way. Because of all my self healing and specifically my thorough ongoing use of The Work from March 2006*, I had cleared a very significant quantity of 'my' emotional issues** before the time of the September 2006 hospitalization. Thus I came into the hospital only with masses of love and no judgements on anyone, and this reflected straight back to me and dramatically changed the way I experienced the people, the situation and the whole hospital setup.

* True, but that was nothing compared with the effectiveness of the methods I took up from May 2007, when almost at once The Work had become redundant for me. Now, my whole methodology is centred on use of the Clarity-Sphere, and, by the look of things, with the Clarity-Sphere I've not only become relatively invulnerable to the dark force but have indeed become an absolute menace to it!

** I.e. actually not mine but those of the parasitic lost souls attached to me.

Appendix 1 - On getting the best out of a psychiatric hospital visit

It's perhaps time to briefly put together what my experience has shown to be helpful for getting the most sympathetic and accommodating responses from doctors, nurses and other mental healthcare staff, both in and out of hospital. Okay, I seem to have been particularly lucky in not getting any of the many 'bad apples' in the mental healthcare services, but in no way does that detract from my conclusions; it's just that with less aware and sympathetic staff it would have been more difficult for me, but I'd have still got the best possible out of them through responding to them positively and seeking to assist them in assisting me.

Indeed, I was well aware of non-critical problematical tendencies in various of the nursing staff, but sought always to tiptoe round those and engage with their positive aspects. As with people in general, even some of those nurses who seemed very aware and to be pretty supportive let their side down once in a while by giving me unsolicited, unwanted and plain unhelpful advice about how I supposedly needed to sort my life out - as though they knew anything really about my lifestyle and life situation anyway! However, I think that generally I got the message across, that such advice wasn't helpful and was not what I'd come into hospital for - and, thankfully, such advice was not a really significant feature of any of my stays in hospital.

Certain nurses had strong authoritarian, controlling 'streaks', which could have caused me some difficulties if I'd not spotted them and been careful to engage with the more human aspects of those people. There were the odd patients who had a very rough time in being controlled and restrained by nursing staff - though they were bringing it on themselves by being disruptive in various ways, and were actually giving the involved staff no option but to take what action they did (bearing in mind the limitations of awareness in their training).

Also, two of the nurses seemed to me much more like patients than nurses, because they were so submerged in quite severe emotional (and indeed entity / dark force interference) issues themselves, and particularly needed to be sorting themselves out before trying to help anyone else. Such people are quite unsuitable to be in caring services or professions at all, and it's bizarre indeed that those individuals were employed as psychiatric nurses - except that it fits nicely in the pattern of the 'blind' and mentally distorted trying to lead the 'blind' (and often not so 'blind'!) and supposedly mentally screwed up.

Would you believe this: the guy 'X', who I mention much further above in my account of my first hospitalization, was actually trying to get a job as - yes, you've guessed! - a psychiatric nurse, and seemed to have some idea that he could get such a job!

Fair enough, his discernment was all screwed up by his dark force and entity interference and his enormously harmful cocktail of mind numbing poisons that were bizarrely being called 'medication', but nonetheless, it does appear to reflect on the nature and state of psychiatric institutions at the current time, that such a person be thinking of 'psychiatric nurse' as the most natural line of job for him to take up.

I would add, however (writing this later, in July 2008), that actually, without the load of problems he was carrying, he would very likely have naturally gravitated towards a caring profession (though NOT anything psychiatric, which he'd have recognised as an abomination), because he was a no-soul incarnation (as I am), and thus, aside from all the superimposed distortions, was fundamentally a deeply caring and loving individual and strong natural healer. You can read more about the significance of no-soul incarnations in 'Old Souls' - People said to be incarnated 'angels' and other higher beings and The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

Another small point that in my view was not all right, which I noticed in my third hospitalization, which occurred in quite warm weather in September, was that patients were being nannied at for wearing shorts. Indeed, I was wearing shorts initially, and at a pretty early stage some hints were dropped to me that shorts weren't exactly 'proper' clothing for that hospital, even though it was warm enough and shorts were more natural and comfortable. Some other patients were spoken to in a much more forthright and nannyish way over the same matter, such as "Xxxx, isn't it time now you were dressed properly?" I'd say that that was no way to speak to any patient, particularly when the only 'issue' was their wearing shorts.

I'm aware, too, that I was very lucky in having no major problem with fellow 'patients'. In my second hospitalization there was one woman who for a couple or so days was convinced that I was German and thus (in her view) a Nazi, and made a lot of bad atmosphere towards me - but then, after my having made discreet representations to the relevant senior nurses, she woke up to that not being the case and apologized profusely and indeed resumed saying flattering things to me, though I still sought to avoid her (in as friendly a manner as possible) because of her strong energy-sucking pattern - the latter being a feature of a high proportion of psychiatric patients. And in my fourth hospitalization there were two individuals, one with dementia (and surely even more in the wrong place than most of the other inmates), who I learnt to steer well clear of, lest they get 'stroppy' with me because of my not buying their own intrusive, energy-sucking agendas - but really that was all.

So, leaving my little niggle points behind, here follow my recommendations for the smoothest possible passage of somebody as 'patient' in the psychiatric unit...

• See all staff members as fundamentally decent, well intentioned people, and any problems with them as arising from the system within which they are working, and / or their own emotional issues and entity / dark force interferences.

• Allow yourself to like the staff members as people - even ones with whom you disagree over certain things. If you genuinely like them they will feel it and will like you, whether or not any particular individual shows it openly. If you can actually think of them as friends (in a non-attached sort of way), that is even better, and they will feel that way about you.

• Show an interest in them personally. Even just a really meant "How are you?", "Wow, you look bright-eyed and bushy tailed this morning!", or "You look tired / a bit down; has it been a stressful shift?", and then really paying interested attention to what they say (rather than immediately shifting emphasis onto your own issues), does wonders to make them like you and see you as a nice person who they want to be kind to and really help rather than just wielding power over you. They are not used to 'patients' who actually take a friendly interest in them, so by doing so yourself you're onto a winner. Their work is stressful, and a 'patient' who pays attention to them in unstressing and gently caring ways will not only seem very nice but also remarkably sane - provided it's done in a relaxed, sensitive and not too intrusive a manner.

  Operating in this manner also helps balance your own perspective on life, making your problems seem more manageable.

• If at all possible, seek to understand your situation or 'condition' from other, non-medical sources. If you have holistic insights gained, say, from this website or some similar resource, then sensitively but firmly explain about that to the doctors and tell them what your true healing needs are and what they aren't. Make it clear that you know that drugs and ECT only hide problems (at best) and do not resolve them, and therefore are no true healing solution. Refer them to your information source(s), for example giving them links to relevant pages on this site. They may well disagree and almost certainly would require you to take a bit of medication, which it may be necessary to diplomatically accept, but the more command and understanding you have of your situation, the more the medics are likely to accommodate reasonable wishes of yours, at least to a point, and the more it would be a genuine learning experience for them even if they appeared at the time to be resistant to your ideas. 

  If you lack specific information about your own particular problem(s) with which to inform the doctors and other care workers, you can at least tell them of the importance of emotional release methods for yourself, because efficient means of clearance of old emotional traumas is a fundamental healing need in virtually all mental health and so-called personality disorder issues, and, crucially, you can tell them about the top priority importance of getting one's awareness properly grounded, which is not achieved by any of the medical treatments 'on offer'. So, you could include in your true healing needs stated to the doctors something like "Assistance / support in getting my awareness grounded and balanced again, and clearing my buried emotional traumas with efficient self realization methods like what Philip Goddard presents on his website". It's thus helpful to learn a bit about such methods, so that you can inform the doctors / nurses a bit.

• Relating to the last point, see yourself as fully responsible for sorting out your issue(s). You are taking on board some assistance, yes, but it needs to be only assistance for your own process of self healing. Most 'patients' abandon pretty well all their responsibility for their healing and recovery, passing it to the medics and care staff, and the system strongly encourages this. That is a greatly unhelpful, non-healing approach.

• Go even further and see yourself and your problem(s) fully as a learning opportunity for the doctors and other care workers. They do not necessarily know better than you about your issues, and in important respects may know very much less (despite their confidence in their ill-based diagnoses and labels), and can be assisted by you towards a better understanding. However, it's necessary to be sensitive and give them the feeling of being gently assisted and not being bludgeoned by your views and told what they've got to think. I often find something like "I know this would probably seem weird to you, with your training, but my own understanding / experience is..." is a good start for an explanation to a doctor / consultant.

• If you have a disagreement with any of the care workers - especially the doctors and nurses - it's best to avoid like the plague getting emotional about it on the spot. You can deal with your feelings of frustration, anger, etc afterwards in private, and, if this is done responsibly (especially with methods such as the EFT or The Work or, even better, Power Walking or the Grounding Post method), would gain you great respect for your responsible self command.

  Getting emotional in a disagreement with doctors / care workers pushes all the wrong buttons for them and makes it much more difficult for them to really pay proper attention to you and take on board anything important that you say, and makes it much more likely that they will then wield power over you (usually actually because they are then afraid of you and your emotions and feel that they don't really know what to do about you and have to somehow bring you under control). Yes, this is because they have their own emotional issues, which for the most part they are not addressing and healing.

  I've no doubt that it has been this sort of issue that has led to many 'service users' in Exeter having reported negatively on their experiences with the Crisis Resolution Team, while, with the odd minor exceptions, I have had only positive experiences from them, with much supportive friendliness. The exceptions were simply:

  • One member of the team, at least during my really difficult times in 2005, clearly had insufficient depth of awareness to be suitable for working in such a job, and when, under pressure from further attacks from the 'entities', I telephoned the Crisis team and got her on the line my heart sank, because I could feel at once that she was completely out of her depth. She asked a variety of questions that were all not quite 'on the ball' and gave pointless and not properly focused advice (which I didn't ask for and didn't want) and was quite incapable of supportively listening to me because she hadn't a clue what I was going on about - all this stuff about 'astral beings' and all that. But I kept my cool (though my inner exasperation may well have showed a bit) and simply had to 'write off' that particular contact with the Crisis Team and look forward to getting one of the good ones another time. Eventually I got another rather similar person, though in that case it was not only the awareness issue, but also the point mentioned below, and I really felt pretty let down by her for her lack of true supportiveness and clearly having no idea what being a supportive listener really entails.

  • In my later contacts with the Crisis Team (i.e. in 2008), because all I needed in order to get my awareness sufficiently grounded to clear the particular crisis attempt was a few chats with supportive people, I found that, apart from the odd particularly aware individuals who I think understood more deeply, there was a tendency for them not to be really that interested in me and to want to get me off the phone line pretty quickly. The general unspoken message that I was picking up was that if I was so much in command of my situation and just needed to talk with some people, the CRT had other priorities.

    I did keep explaining that I lived on my own and had no accessible supportive friends to turn to, and they all still said apparently the right things, and "Yes, do feel free to call us anytime - that's what we're here for" and all that, but I could feel from their 'vibes' and also their no longer calling back or offering visits, that because I was no longer considering hospital as a possible requirement, nor taking medication, I was simply too 'well' to warrant their assistance. I think most of them didn't see themselves as properly doing their job if all it amounted to for a particular person was a small number of friendly chats.

• After your hospital stay, at some appropriate point(s), it's really cool to write a letter to the doctor(s) involved and the nurses on the ward and indeed any Crisis Team if they were involved, thanking them for their support and telling them positive things about your hospital experience and how your situation is developing, and giving them any further insights you've gained as to the true nature of your problem and what has and hasn't worked for you in addressing it.

  I was told that my letters to the Crisis Resolution Team and to the staff on the wards had actually been pinned up, so it looks to be a good idea to print any such letters on one side of the paper.

  Not only does it feel great to write such letters, but if you have to call on those people's services later on, they will be delighted to see you again and will find it easier to give of their best for you, and will understand more about what is really going on for you. They would also be more likely to accommodate any insights you have concerning your problem, if you've been showing that those insights have been demonstrably helpful for your recovery / healing process.

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Psychiatry seeks to sound scientific through its use of jargon,
but is no more than institutionalized ABUSE of those who
seek help for particular emotional and life issues of theirs.

A very special 'stinky finger' salute, from me (and freedom!),
 with love to Psychiatry and all its trappings!

Postscript - "It's really cool to be normal..."

Portrait of a normal person

Why are you banging your head against that wall?

Sorry, I don't have time to stop and think about such things. I'm too busy banging my head against this wall. -- Oh, please do me a favour and pass the Paracetamol... -- And while you're about it, please bring the television round here so that I can watch it while I'm banging my head on this wall. You do need some entertainment to make life bearable, you know...

(later) ...So, you're still banging your head against that wall, then!

Do you really mean that I shouldn't do what I enjoy? People should be free to do what they enjoy! That's what we're here for - to enjoy ourselves!

Portrait of a self realized, healthily functioning person

Why aren't you banging your head against that wall?

Oh, that! I tried it a long time ago, and it hurt and was most incredibly boring. Just look at my freedom and clarity and ease of being and all the happiness and abundance in my life now because I don't keep doing that silly thing and getting stuck in pointless ruts!

Well, in that case, at least you can take some Haloperidol to help cure you of your condition.

- Er, you're telling me that H- [expletive censored] is a self realization aid and brings happiness and abundance and positivity to one's life?

...And more use of your television would also help cure you...

What television? Where? My life is so full of wonderful things, why would I need one of those? ...Okay, if I ever have cause to get a big hole made in my head I'll consider getting a television at the same time...

(later) ...I see you're still not banging your head against that wall! Don't you ever let your hair down and enjoy yourself? You really should, you know. It's unnatural and not normal if you don't just let go and enjoy yourself a bit. ...You're nuts!

Then best not to eat me if you're sensitive to them!

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Are you really so sure you want to be 'normal'?