My Own Self Actualization 'Path' - Part 1

Introduction

Me in June 2005 (left) and May 2008.
Spot an important difference (apart from my age)?

This page was originally entitled My Self Healing Path, but I now consider it healthier to let go of the whole notion of 'healing' and think in the much more positive term of 'self actualization' or 'self realization' (two terms for the same thing) instead - a bit like regarding the glass of water as half full rather than half empty, except actually there's MUCH more to it than that, as becomes clear as this account unfolds particularly in Part 2. However, I'm leaving intact most of my earlier references to healing in order that search queries for healing and self healing will still find this page.

Some of the information on this page has appeared in other writings on this site, but here my aim is to bring it all together into a coherent whole, so that people can get ideas most readily to assist them on their own self healing paths. Where possible I keep the length of this page to a minimum by referring the reader to accounts, descriptions and explanations that I've given on other pages - so the links I give are important ones that need following up to get the full picture.

I want to emphasize that, as explained below, for much of my life I followed a particularly tough self healing path, with only very belated recourse to painless fast track methods. I am not suggesting that anyone else should follow my own route - no matter whether all or even any of it - though I think many will find some helpful pointers for themselves.

Inevitably this page will give further ammunition to those who seek to dismiss or discredit me, pointing to this as yet another piece of rambling on about myself on a mega-ego trip. On the other hand others will see this page as another example of my being prepared to fearlessly use anything in my life process as 'demonstration model' for the benefit of others - which indeed is my intention. How many spiritual teachers or indeed teachers of healing or 'self realization' tell you openly and honestly about their own self healing / self actualization path in its fullness so that you could learn from that? I don't know of any, though there must be some. I hope that others will take some leaves from my book and do this themselves.

Up to my emotional crisis

My childhood tribulations were in a sense part of my lifelong healing process, because in the long term they were drawing my attention to issues that needed attention. Born in 1942, I had the most troublesome night hells (aka night terrors) up to the age of six. I felt immensely lonely and often deeply sad. I was bullied and ridiculed at school, and sought solace in my natural history interest, getting away frequently to local public woodlands to collect insects, which were central to my interest, and, later, lizards and snakes.

At puberty I discovered masturbation and then soon became frightened as I came to realize that my erotic feelings were all towards people of my own gender. The social environment at that time was pervasively homophobic, so I felt that I could not reveal my so-called homosexuality to anyone and was terrified of anyone finding out.

About that time I woke up to my deep music interest and connection, when I heard Stravinsky's Petrouchka for the first time - it hit me like a bombshell and had me electrified. Yet my response to this awakening was to keep it to myself and hide my musical interest from virtually everyone until after I'd left home in 1967. Even during my last years at school, increasingly I had music composing itself in my mind, but again I hid this fact from everyone, and in any case I'd not learnt to read or write music, so could not act on it at all.

All these experiences compounded my increasingly desperate feeling of loneliness. Once I'd moved from home for a job at the Animal Virus Research Institute at Pirbright in Surrey, I 'came out' about my musical interest and started collecting records, exploring pretty well exclusively 20th Century music, as I didn't feel much resonance with the earlier music that I heard played so much. So, although I was getting some more sharing of interest with my few friends, I was still out on a limb with my own particular musical interest and tastes, and longed to meet others with whom I could really share such music and the deep experiences I had.

A growing pressure to heal

In 1971 two crucial things happened for me. First, there was a local performance (in Guildford) of Bohuslav Martinu's powerful choral work, The Epic of Gilgamesh. This shook me up emotionally a good deal. I then bought the Penguin edition of the legend known as The Epic of Gilgamesh, and felt unprecedentedly strong emotion as I read it, being on the verge of crying, though valiantly not allowing that to happen because I'd grown up with the notion that adults don't cry except when a 'breakdown' occurs. However, that legend seemed to have loosened something up, for my longings were coming increasingly to the surface and the underlying emotional pain was also pressing at me increasingly.

Later in 1971 I took a bold step and recognised that I was feeling so lonely and devoid of real friends that I had nothing to lose in 'coming out' about my being 'gay'. Then I started meeting 'gay' men and was revolted at the superficial, unloving, manipulative attitudes and behaviour manifested by those 'gay' men who I encountered, and soon withdrew from that whole scene, resolving not to meet anyone on the basis of their sexual orientation or indeed their gender. That was all very well, but it left me isolated again. I intuitively knew from deep within myself the sort of relationships that were meaningful to me (apparently true soul mate relationships, though in much later hindsight I can say that 'apparently' is the operative word here, because the concept of the soul mate is a pernicious deception that has come to us from the 'dark side'), and I'd learnt from experience that my whole being was not going to settle for less, even if it meant my remaining on my own for quite some time to come.

During the summer of 1972 I was beginning to feel desperate, for increasingly I felt close to crying, but believed that I mustn't cry because that would mark a 'breakdown', and I was terrified of any such happening. My whole body ached with the weight of crying that seemed to be forcing its way to the surface. I felt pure horror at the way people around me were prepared to go to a doctor or hospital and be drugged or otherwise 'treated' to change their mental or emotional state, and I had no intention of following their misguided example. I became increasingly frightened as it seemed that I was indeed heading for a 'breakdown'.

Re-Evaluation Counselling

I'd read about encounter groups and thought that getting into one of them could be the answer, and so I asked a recently acquired local friend with a lot of social contacts whether there were any encounter groups in Guildford where I was living then. It turned out that there wasn't an encounter group, but there was a group with some similarities that was going to start that October at Surrey University, in Guildford - the second British ongoing fundamentals class in Re-evaluation Counselling (RC).

The class was not due to start for a few weeks but at least I was able to buy a book about RC - The Human Side of Human Beings by Harvey Jackins (the founder of RC). Upon reading that I felt my first 'homecoming' feelings, for here was an explanation of how experiences mis-store in the memory when trauma occurs and isn't released at once, and how trauma (Jackins used the term 'distress') accumulates but could all be released (healed) retrospectively through crying, trembling, etc. Not only was it an explanation, but it was one that made total sense to me, and I suddenly had real hopes for RC and for myself. At last I understood that, if that book was correct, far from heading into a breakdown, I was about to start an intensive healing and recovery process, which would lead me into new and very positive areas of experience and functioning.

This discovery increased still further my internal pressure, and I fled from my research job at Pirbright, needing time and space to sort my issues out. With the first meeting of the class still a week away, I was desperate, wanting to get started with some crying but not knowing how to open the floodgates on my own. I managed to book an RC session with the secretary of the class teacher, who I shall call P.

So, in that first session of mine, which P was giving to me on the basis that sometime later on I'd give her an exchange session, the two of us were sitting, facing each other, holding hands. I said I knew that I needed to cry and cry, and at this stage just wanted to find out how to use RC to enable that to happen. She invited me to choose something to start talking about - and it came to me to recount a dream (in the present tense) that I remembered from the age of about five or six, which involved an intense feeling of loss, separation and subsequent loneliness.

There was a point in my recounting the dream when my voice wavered upon saying a particular phrase. With a warm, appreciative smile, P at once interjected: "Say that again!". And the moment I started saying it again the floodgates opened and I cried. In fact on that occasion I didn't cry for very long, but I felt the most extraordinary sensations, as this release had changed the configuration of my whole energy system (not that I knew of such things as energy systems then). I felt a powerful tingling up my spine, over my scalp and in my arms and hands, and this lasted for perhaps half an hour, gradually tailing off.

That night my mind was in a tremendous tumult and I didn't sleep a wink. The mental tumult was a massive sifting and re-evaluation, as all manner of my life experiences and thoughts and feelings up to that time were reviewed in my mind and seen in the new light of my having found a way through - and indeed a way to eventually realize many if not all of my deepest longings rather than simply become 'cured' and 'normal'. My heart was thumping with the excitement throughout that night.

The basic practice of RC, then, is a particular type of peer co-counselling, in which, normally, the time of a session is divided into equal halves, with one person being client for the first half and then roles being switched at half time. The person who is in 'counsellor' role does not give advice or opinions, but gives warm loving support instead. RC counsellors learn to smile supportively and appreciatingly when the 'client' gets into difficult-feeling material and when emotional release occurs. The aim is NOT for the client to say things that the counsellor thinks are 'right', but for him to achieve emotional release.

The counsellor's role does involve an active element because very often the client needs to be directed to say something again, perhaps in a different way, in order to break the 'control pattern' that is preventing release from occurring at that point. Or it may be necessary for the counsellor to find a phrase for the client to say or a simple action to do, which contradicts a particular negative pattern that is operating at that point and preventing emotional release.  Otherwise the client could go rabbiting on talking and talking with little or no emotional release. The client's giving an interesting or entertaining talk in sessions is NOT what RC is about.

The ultimate aim in RC is not to become 'cured' in the conventional sense, and 'normal', but to enable one's whole self to manifest, for, apart from the effects of trauma, we are naturally positive, happy ('zestful' in RC jargon), loving, dynamic, alert, clear-thinking and flexible. Thus through RC we become far from normal, but in the very best sense - because at the present time normality actually implies a normal set of malfunctions and limited functioning. Even people who are widely regarded as being well adjusted and 'doing fine' are in most cases operating on only a small proportion of their true potential that can be manifested through ongoing practice of RC.

Increasing frustrations

In the group sessions I sometimes cried intensely (particularly when I focused on The Epic of Gilgamesh), but I became increasingly frustrated that people in the group would get upset or uptight at my crying so much or so intensely, so preventing me from continuing. An upset or uptight counsellor is no good to man nor beast. In the group we chose partners for one-to-one co-counselling sessions during the week, in between class meetings. Again I became frustrated because I found that my regular counselling partner was both resistant to his own emotional release and also could not support me through the intensive crying that I knew I needed to do. I was so determined that I still managed to do some crying, but often it felt no better than doing it myself with no assistance. I subsequently had other counselling partners, but I rarely felt I was getting the level of aware support that I needed in order to get really strong and sustained emotional release.

I quite soon gave up attempts to bring up the Gilgamesh legend in counselling sessions - even though that could elicit my deepest and most intense crying. The other RC-ers clearly did not really understand what RC was about and had learnt some rules and techniques without real understanding. So, if I started crying about the Gilgamesh legend (or Kafka's story Metamorphosis, which also made me cry with similar intensity) the counsellor would soon interrupt and say something like "Well, now I think it's about time you worked on some real material. Now, try saying "I'm living completely in present time!". I completely failed to get it through to these unaware people that the point of RC sessions was not for the client to do what the counsellor felt was 'right' for him to do, but was for the client to do what achieved maximum emotional release, and sustain it, even for a full hour - at least, when there was a considerable weight of material available to release.

As I know in hindsight, there was an overriding reason why I needed to cry my guts out over The Epic of Gilgamesh, for sustained periods time and time again, and indeed there was a very specific and unusual reason for the massiveness of the quantity of emotional trauma material pushing for release - and it was something I had no inkling about before 2006. More about that in Part 2 of this account.

Hint: how would you yourself tend to feel if you had a whole gaggle of traumatized (about half of them severely so) lost souls attached to you?

I should explain here that at that time the general understanding in RC was in the need for direct emotional release, and the promotion of bold pattern-challenging strategies to minimize the amount of necessary emotional release activity was still some years away. However, even when that came, it didn't really change anything for the better, because it was simply used by most RC-ers as a justification for their not really getting in touch with their material at all and putting still more pressure on the likes of me to avoid any significant amount or intensity of emotional release.

I certainly wasn't going to stick with one partially satisfactory group meeting and one usually unsatisfactory one-to-one session per week, so I had pretty well daily emotional release sessions on my own, where I was effectively my own counsellor. In these sessions (usually lasting a half- to one hour) I could often do the sort of sustained crying that I really needed to, though I was well aware that I was working within a strong isolation and loneliness pattern and therefore these sessions were not as healing and liberating as they'd have been if I'd been working with a really supportive counselling partner of a similar level of awareness to my own, and the intensity of the crying was usually less than I'd have experienced with truly aware support. Various other RC people warned me against 'doing it' on my own, but they were voicing their own ignorance and unawareness, and I disregarded them. It wasn't as though they were offering any positive assistance; they were just wanting to pull me down to their level of unawareness.

I attended occasional national and international RC workshops and at those, here and there I had really wonderful co-counselling sessions where I'd managed to get paired up with somebody who was, relatively speaking, really aware and supportive. On the other hand I had many troublesome encounters with tiresomely unaware people too, so overall it was all rather a fraught experience for me, even though I was also very excited at finding myself in a worldwide community that was dedicated to realization of full human potential - love, clear thinking, 'zestfulness' and all that. This appeared at the time to be my way forward, whatever the difficulties caused by the widespread lack of awareness or deep understanding within the RC community of what RC was really about.

One tremendous thing for me in the RC community - whether at workshops or with local RC-ers - was that it was the done thing to embrace warmly and awarely on meeting and parting (and at other times as one felt moved to do so). This was often marred, however, by the fact of everyone being made to feel obliged to hug, so that hugs were often something of a ritual, not having a healthy spontaneous and warm, 'meant' quality, and this problem was compounded by the ritual of being expected to say a nice, appreciative thing ('validation' in RC jargon) to the person you were hugging. Saying nice, positive things to each other was great in principle, but if it was being done out of a sense of duty its positive effect was at best reduced and all too often actually reversed to transmit a negative message.

This meant that many hugging experiences were degraded by unawareness in the hugs and the tiresome duty of having to find something positive to say to the other person, and of course all too often having unaware and unhelpful 'validations' said to oneself. Because that was usually not spontaneous and it was often evident that the person was having a struggle to find something really appropriate and positive to say, this was a detail that regularly made my heart sink. It would have been so much better if people had been urged to be much more flexible and spontaneous about such things and to say nice things to people only when they came naturally and could be really meant and felt. A warm, truly aware hug is a tremendous mutual appreciation without any words needing to be said - and in that particular context an obligational or/and unaware hug would have been better simply not done.

RC didn't recognise any broader aspect of life than the physical and mental /emotional, and, on the surface, neither did I at that time, and I had no connections with any appropriate people and so had no idea that RC, when applied fully and with deep awareness, was effectively a self actualization method (albeit, as I came eventually to recognise, by no means a very efficient one) that could theoretically take you to the point of enlightenment and indeed into further self actualization beyond that. I say 'theoretically' because in practice few people indeed would get very far along that path by use of RC.

It turned out that John Heron, our class teacher in Guildford, was actually teaching a serious distortion of RC, putting a big emphasis on set exercises in our class meetings. Set exercises are alien to RC because they have nothing to do with paying attention clearly and precisely to where the client is at and what that particular client needs to do in order to achieve emotional release and healing of their particular traumas. Ironically, set exercises would be more the thing to do in encounter groups, which I now understood would very likely have screwed me up rather than helped me. I therefore thank my lucky stars that RC came to Guildford at just the right time and 'rescued' me from the prospect of encounter groups - even though it was a distortion of RC that was being promoted initially.

Then another teacher took over the ongoing class, and she at least made the classes more authentic as RC classes, but she lacked the level of awareness that I longed for in order to be able to move faster myself - and she also had a quite problematical authoritarian pattern (as a result of which she worked as a schoolteacher). Another teacher eventually took over, but she was similarly very lacking in deep awareness and supportiveness for my level of working (albeit without overt authoritarianism), so my frustration continued.

Breaking of patterns

An important development in RC was a growing recognition of the importance of breaking rigid patterns of behaviour and outlook in our everyday lives, as by taking positive steps in our lives to contradict and dismantle these patterns we could free up old traumas for emotional release, and when things were done this way the release could be very intense but relatively brief, so making the whole process much more positive and efficient.

An early bit of pattern breaking for me, in early 1973, came when, as one of the set exercises in the group, we were paired up and then each directed to ask the other person to do some small appreciative thing for us, to bring or manifest at the following week's group session. The young woman who was paired up with me then asked me to write a poem for her.

That opened the floodgates of my creativity. I'd never before thought of poetry as something I could do, yet suddenly I found myself writing down the most amazing and original outpourings. Many of these were not well formed and clearly represented too much of a working-out of my old negative emotions to be worth keeping long-term as worthwhile literary writing, but even after severe purges later on I have kept a core of about a quarter of these works, a selection of which are presented on this site. In many of my poems I was intuitively practising symphonic music composition processes - in particular the fluid application of 'motivic metamorphosis' that characterizes the mature music of Vagn Holmboe.

As part of my more forward-looking, pattern-breaking approach to RC, having been to a performance of Benjamin Britten's War Requiem and been greatly moved by it, I set myself a long-term goal of actually singing in that very work. Superficially that seemed impossible because of my not being able to sight-read music notation, not to mention my strong embarrassment about being heard singing, and also the War Requiem was an intimidatingly large and challenging work to perform. But that apparent impossibility was part of the point of the exercise, because it was starting to focus me on breaking the patterns that were preventing me from getting involved musically. In other words the important thing was not whether I would ever get to sing in the War Requiem, but rather, the direction and positive processes that were set in motion by having that ultimate target, which in any case would be subject to review and amendment according to how my life developed.

So, following from that, one positive step that I took that was really dramatic for me was, in autumn 1975, to join the Surrey University Choir, which operated at the University in Guildford. To many people that would be nothing special, but for me, to go to my first rehearsal with that choir was the most courageous thing I'd done up to that time (and indeed probably remained so until my dark-force sourced ordeals of 2003/7).

As I set out from my flat for that first rehearsal (for Bach's Christmas Oratorio) I was shaking like a demented jelly, feeling as though a most horrifying death were just round the corner for me, and all manner of dark and scary feelings and thought voices were urging me to stop and go back to my flat. But I persisted, and came to sing regularly in amateur choirs ever since (apart from the 2003/4 and 2004/5 seasons, when I was preoccupied with my ordeals, of which more further below). It turned out that I didn't need to be able to sight-read the music because during rehearsals I was able to pick up my part from others around me and the choirmaster would help the different choir sections on the piano. So I was able to learn my notes very much well enough to get through.

My move to Exeter in October 1976 resulted from another 'positive direction' that I had set for myself to take me forward. In February 1976 I had my first attack of flu in my adult life, and it was a full-blown severe attack. I'd long dreaded getting flu again, for I remembered how in my teens I'd had such horrible depressive emotional feelings while ill with the flu. So this time I set myself a strategy of resting comfortably while really ill, allowing all depressive and negative thoughts to surface for observation, and I contradicted each one, as it arose, with its positive opposite. Many of the depressive thoughts were about my life situation then and its apparently not leading me anywhere, and so this led to my working out a major step that could open up all sorts of possibilities for the future. I decided that I'd apply to go to a university to study belatedly for a first degree. My feelings were all saying "No, no, NO! I can't!", but I was clear that my reasoned decision would rule. And so it came about that I moved to Exeter, to study there for my degree. So, for that big step I have to thank a severe bout of flu!

I made a rough estimate that from my commencement of RC in 1972 up to my move to Exeter at the beginning of October 1976 I had done about 500 hours of crying, and had spent a similar amount of time in other releases such as laughter and trembling.

And now in Exeter...

In Exeter I found a local RC ongoing class and joined it, only to suffer increased frustration, as these people were all colluding in avoiding working through their more deeply ingrained material - what Harvey Jackins called 'chronic patterns'. These people were on edge about me, for they felt threatened by my determination to work through my own deepest and most ingrained material. There was a definite air of defensiveness and resentment towards me, because I understood RC and was proficient with it to a level far beyond where they were at, and instead of welcoming that fact they were semi-covertly regarding me as an unwelcome alien intruder who might rock their comfortable, mutually colluding little 'boat', and saw me as something of an attention-seeking smart-arse within the group, for in their view I was supposed to be meekly and 'respectfully' letting the hopelessly ignorant and unaware 'teacher' and the various equally ignorant and unaware trainee teachers posture as 'teaching' me without a peep from me that they were just wasting my time and money (in class and workshop fees) and they'd do better to start learning RC - properly for once - from me. Unfortunately there was no means by which one could be in the RC community without being in a 'fundamentals' class and having to put up with whatever flaws the particular class teacher had.

To skip the details, in 1980 I was excluded from the group with the highly dishonest excuse that I myself had a pattern that made RC unsuitable for me. What they could not face doing was to be honest and admit that they were afraid of working at the sort of depth at which I wanted and needed to work, and they simply didn't want me in the group - indeed they were really an unsatisfactory group for me rather than the converse.

I did consider going to the top and contacting Harvey Jackins to fight the group's decision, but I realized that that would not work, for I would have been seen as an aggrieved person out on a limb and with a chip on my shoulder and therefore would have been seen to be unsuitable to be in such a group anyway.

So, I felt deeply hurt - indeed betrayed by the very people who supposedly represented a liberating direction for me. This situation remained then over the years. Occasionally I'd have solitary sessions of emotional release, but had nobody to give me any support - and I felt a sort of dark cloud hanging over me from the betrayal by the RC people - a crushing injustice that it seemed that I was powerless to do anything about. I still had no idea that there were any other healing avenues for me where the basic means of emotional release would be welcomed, or indeed could be almost entirely bypassed.

I still recognise RC as a sort-of effective method for clearing one's emotional issues - but now with a number of major reservations, so that I actually recommend against using it, at least if to be used to any really serious extent, even though its underlying theory (as expounded in Harvey Jackins' book The Human Side of Human Beings) is very useful as far as it goes - though unfortunately it doesn't recognise the major part that the dark force plays in human dysfunction and the formation of major and especially 'chronic' patterns.

• In practice most RC-ers are too wrapped up in their own ingrained trauma-based patterns of outlook to understand RC properly and use it awarely. According to my particular working model of how our problems operate, Soul programming is the underlying culprit for most of this.

• One big problem with the RC community globally was that Harvey Jackins had his own personal control agenda, and chose new teachers very much on the basis of their both looking likely to tow his 'Party line' and - sorry to have cause to say this! - having particular 'chronic patterns' that made the individuals concerned either weak and inarticulate as supposed teachers, or/and authoritarian (and therefore really not genuine teachers of RC at all). He weeded out prospective RC teachers with authoritarian patterns only if they looked like clashing with him, whereas he always claimed that he wasn't allowing anyone with significant authority patterns to teach. I don't suppose that he was consciously aware that he was operating in that way, for the dark force interference that was causing him to behave that way was giving him his own awareness blocks.

  I got so frustrated with this that eventually I applied to be approved as an RC teacher myself, not because I really wanted then to be teaching RC, but because all the local 'teachers' of RC (all accredited by Harvey Jackins) were so hopelessly damned awful and I wanted the opportunity to get some local people starting to understand what RC was really about and how to really go about using it. NONE of those so-called teachers really understood RC, and it was a matter of 'the blind leading the blind' in just about all respects.
  

  I wasn't altogether surprised - though I felt pretty betrayed and disgusted about it - when Harvey refused my accreditation. Indeed, because my application had to go through my group, and part of the process involved Harvey consulting with the extant teacher of that group, I've little doubt that the general message that Harvey got from the group was something like "We've passed his request for teacher accreditation to you only to keep him quiet, because he's a bit of a smart-arse and thinks he knows it all, and is a bit of a problem in our group. We don't see him making a good teacher, because he's not willing to learn [from us]; we'd be very happy if you refused him accreditation.".

  As I now clearly understand, ANY self healing / self actualization method whose dissemination is controlled by a single person* is bound to run aground and get distorted into all sorts of relatively ineffective variants despite any intent and attempts of the controlling person or founder to keep the teaching of the method 'pure'. The problem is always the same - personal power / control agendas. These always mitigate against 'pure' and effective operation of any self actualization method, for they are inherently incompatible with self actualization in the first place. And power / control agendas and 'authority' patterns will always seek to silence and suppress those more deeply aware individuals who have the fullest and deepest understanding of the method. - So, if you want really effective emotional clearance and self actualization, there's absolutely no point in relying on a 'teacher' or guru at all, except perhaps initially just to pick up some initial data on the method. Basically there's really no effective alternative to doing it yourself and being your own teacher. That happens to be fully compatible with, and indeed an intrinsic aspect of a genuine self actualization process.

  * That doesn't mean, however, that a self healing / self actualization method being controlled by a group or organization would be any better; in such cases the method, as disseminated, would be 'rotten in the bud', because of the inevitable control agenda(s) that would be there almost certainly right from the start.

• RC, especially when practised 'promiscuously' is potentially dangerous! It's not intrinsically so at all, but the problem is that a fair proportion of people who get involved in RC have 'entity' attachments that cause them to be very controlling (and so actually very unsuitable for anyone to open to in a RC session), and, furthermore, can have very serious consequences for particular individuals who are no-soul incarnations (such as myself). I had one experience in particular, where, in a workshop, I got paired up for a session with a man who I found very disturbing, for there was something visibly 'not right' about him, which was reflected in the menacing ways he moved his face when he spoke (and his overall 'vibes'), and he was very interfering and controlling in the session, which I found quite upsetting. In hindsight, by my use of inner inquiry supported by energy testing, I have pointers to his having had a powerful spirit attachment that was being controlled by the dark force into trying to frighten me enough to cause me to go out of body sufficiently for me to get landed with a partial walk-in or another sort of extremely troublesome entity that could possibly have completely wrecked my life. Fortunately I remained too grounded for that to happen.

  Basically the risk of picking up entities and other 'energy nasties' exists in all client-counsellor [/therapist] sessions, so this problem is not unique to RC. However, the fact of RC being a peer co-counselling procedure results in the client potentially being more vulnerable in sessions than in pretty well any other type of therapy or counselling sessions (the big exception, however, being any therapy involving hypnosis, which is the most harmful and dangerous of the whole lot).

• RC is actually not worth a second look for anyone who has attached parasitic lost souls - and pretty well everyone who goes for RC would have some. RC isn't all that efficient for clearing even one's own emotional issues, but the normal state of people doing RC is to be carrying a variety of traumas and emotional issues that are not their own and instead belong to parasitic lost souls attached to them. Such traumas and stresses can very gradually be released by use of RC, but they are released so slowly that you cannot reasonably expect RC to clear them fully over a lifetime's intensive use of the method.

• I now know that there are much speedier and more efficient and painless methods for emotional clearance or healing, which are also completely safe because they don't require you to work with anyone else. See Healing and Self Actualization - The Safest and Quickest Way.

• RC needs to let go of its tiresome little bits of jargon, which set up a barrier for many people. Words such as 'validation' (saying nice, positive things about someone), 'discharge' (emotional release or healing) and 'distress' (emotional trauma or stress) all in my experience set up barriers when I sought to explain about RC to people. The use of jargon is completely out of place in a method that is all about our reclaiming our intrinsic flexibility, and nowadays I do not use the RC jargon words, even though I use the insights of RC in my everyday life without putting a label on them - albeit combined with my more recent, broader based insights.

In this period (1980-92) I felt to be lost and drifting, and did my best to ignore the dark cloud of my having been excluded from the RC community. I put my attention more on other, positive things - my hiking, my annual spring visits to the Scottish Highlands for walking on the mountains, my giving adult education classes in natural history using my own nature photos, and indeed my doing intensive nature photography on my many hikes. I also wrote occasional short stories. Then in 1990 I discontinued doing the adult education courses and one-off slide talks (and indeed the intensive photography) and instead concentrated on writing highly unorthodox novels. All these developments I saw as part of a continuing opening up and breaking of restrictive patterns of outlook, so, even though I was not so often having emotional release sessions I had not 'lost the thread' and still very much felt committed to positive changes in my life. It just seemed that my whole life process was in enforced solitary mode, with no support to get things moving any faster with regard to my emotional healing.

I was regularly singing in Exeter University Choral Society right up to 2000, and imagine my amazement and joy when in 1985 they chose to perform Britten's War Requiem - the fulfilment of that impossible-seeming goal that I'd set for myself back in 1974! It was terrifyingly difficult to learn and perform, but WHAT an experience! And little did I know then that I'd sing in that work twice more, not many years after that, with Exeter College Choral Society.

Of course, it was interesting that I'd so soon achieved what had seemed to be an ultimate and probably unrealizable goal for my life. What exciting and even spectacular advances still lay ahead, then?

Alexander Technique

In 1990 I began to get ominous clicks in my neck, and then my neck started aching. I tried to counter these things by using the (actually harmful) McKenzie exercises for the back and neck, but any improvements were short lived and my neck got worse. By the end of 1992 it was getting very troublesome ('advanced cervical spondylosis' was diagnosed from an x-ray) and I was really frightened, for the medics and physiotherapists clearly had no clue and I felt abandoned with what was surely going to make me a cripple in next to no time. I was starting to tell friends and acquaintances that I'd have to give up hiking there and then because my neck hurt so much after each hike.

It was then that one of those acquaintances recommended to me the Alexander Technique (AT), mentioning a centre in Exeter where I could take lessons, and also pointing out that there were books on the AT, so I could read up about it before committing myself. I promptly looked out and bought a particular book which 'stood out from the crowd' of AT books. It was Your Guide to the Alexander Technique by John Gray, published by Gollancz.

As with The Human Side of Human Beings, reading this book was a homecoming experience for me, for it made so much sense of what had up to that point seemed so baffling and indeed tormenting for me.

What is the AT, then? -- The Alexander Technique is a mental discipline that allows you to progressively undo your lifelong accumulation of habits of body misuse. That misuse includes all chronic tensions, slumpings, distortions and the excess effort that we put into just about every movement and indeed position.

What is not officially stated about the AT is that at a more fundamental level it is a process of recognising and interrupting habitual tendencies, which can be purely mental ones with no obvious related body misuse. As I was to come to recognise later on, it is in fact a wonderful and grounding way of cultivating the aware and alert state that in Buddhist teachings is often called mindfulness, with no need ever to resort to formal or sitting meditation, which actually I came more recently to understand to be seriously harmful when regularly practised in an ongoing manner (for anyone - NOT just for people without a supposedly appropriate guru!).

Having read the book, at once I booked some AT lessons, being convinced that this would not only address the pressing physical issues but also had the potentiality to take me on a new path of sorting out my life, taking over where RC had left off. However, it was coming up to Christmas and I had to wait some three weeks before my first lesson. Was I going to wait for three weeks before even starting to sort out this urgent issue of my spine?

Hell, no! I well understood the AT from the book*, and at once started experimentally doing the lie-downs, which are the main thing that you overtly 'do' (the technique itself really being in the way you use yourself in everyday life rather than in any exercises). The point of the lie-downs is to retrain the body to let go of all the excess tensions and distortions and to experience good alignment without any of the habitual interference.

* Most people would not understand the AT - at least in any deep sort of way - just upon reading such a book, or even at all. There was a significant reason why I immediately got a deep understanding of the AT from that book: being what I nowadays describe as a no-soul incarnation, I had an exceptionally deep awareness and ability to understand anything that helps point towards genuine self actualization, in a way that is impossible for people who have soul programming (which is the vast majority of people, including the vast majority of AT teachers!).

For those three weeks up to my first lesson I was having 12 to 14 of these lie-downs per day. I got uncomfortable if I lay like that for long, so I reckoned that a large number of shortish lie-downs would fit the bill best for me. In retrospect I think that it was probably much more beneficial done this way than the normally recommended one or two lie-downs per day of about 20 minutes.

In the first week, each time I lay down (on my back, with head on a rest and legs somewhat drawn up so that the knees were raised) I was aware that there remained a space under my lower back, which latter remained arched. At the end of that first week, during one of the lie-downs that arching of my lower back released and my back flattened against the floor - a tremendously blissful feeling. Also, I felt muscles in my upper back releasing and allowing the shoulder blades to move apart - again a wonderful blissful feeling.

That marked the beginning of the physical release process, but also, with those first physical releases I was feeling in my everyday life a great feeling of emotional relief - as though I'd been released from a whole level of deep anxiety. This tallied with my understanding that emotional issues - even some deeply ingrained ones that are difficult to address in RC - are locked up in physical tensions or distortions, so if these physical issues are released, then the related emotional issues are released also. What I didn't know was whether that meant full release of those emotional issues or simply partial release or/and freeing them up so that the underlying emotional trauma could be more readily healed with ordinary emotional release. I think in practice it's most likely a bit of each.

I still needed the lessons really, for there were certain aspects of the RC that are best learnt directly from a teacher rather than just from a book, so I went ahead with my RC lessons. Initially I had a teacher who was teaching an abomination of the technique even though he was fully qualified by STAT as an RC teacher. He was making each lesson a process of trying to get things right, which was screwing me up, and I knew this was wrong and told him so. I then switched to another, excellent teacher at the same centre, who made each lesson feel to be a joyful journey of self discovery rather than trying to get anything right. This was important, because you let go of your habitual interferences in your body use not through trying to let go (a tense attitude that maintains the problems) but by observing (without judgement) how you are interfering with yourself and then allowing yourself to act differently.

The AT saved my hiking there and then, and I continued going on my hikes, indeed with a greater sense of ease than ever, for with the AT I'd learnt a much easier and less stressful way of walking. I also felt progressively lighter emotionally, and when I thought of the local RC group who'd excluded me, my immediate thought was: "Let them eat cake! They know not what I know!"

One of the wonderful things about the AT used instead of RC was that it was a method that you learn to use yourself, and once you've learnt it you continue to practise it, not as a named method or technique but simply as a better way of living. Thus after your initial lessons you were not dependent on any sort of partner or co-worker, and your progress depended simply on your own mastery of the AT and you own motivation for positive change in your life.

After my series of 15 lessons (10 weekly, then 5 monthly), that was it for me as far as lessons were concerned because I hadn't the money to keep spending on them. But in any case I'd fully integrated the AT into my life and had really no cause to keep having lessons. I settled on 4 lie-downs per day - one after each mealtime and one short one before going to bed. Doing it this way I wouldn't get neglectful about having the lie-downs as most people seemed to. The lie-downs were part of every day's schedule and linked to other scheduled activities so that they would not get forgotten.

I still allowed myself occasional sessions of emotional release, but these were mainly when some person or situation had restimulated some old trauma material of mine (or in other words I was feeling stressed or upset in some way), so I'd then use emotional release to enable myself to clear the stress or 'upset' as quickly as possible and use it as a healing opportunity for another little chunk of my buried emotional trauma material.

More pattern breaking

As part of my opening up and pattern breaking I joined a small local amateur drama group, which was a bit shambolic but did give me some enjoyable challenge, and it got me among some more people. I stayed in it for a few years until the following development engaged most of my attention...

In 1995, following a modest computer upgrade, I commenced my music composition work, starting with my First Symphony. It felt to be a great healing in itself, at last to be composing major and indeed powerful music works after all this time of feeling so isolated with my internal music, which I'd been unable to share with anyone. I was able to do all my composing on the computer without having to sight-read music notation; I could play back any note, phrase or whole passage at a click of the mouse, with all the correct instrument sounds, so I knew exactly what I was putting together.

I still didn't overtly recognise myself as being on a powerful self realization process (or 'path', as many people would unhelpfully describe it), but that was more a matter of not having the expression 'self realization' in my vocabulary. I think I did encounter the term 'self actualization', which I recognised as being relevent, except that that term was associated with certain psychology disciplines, and for that reason I didn't want to use it, because of the immense confusion and lack of genuine understanding of human consciousness and indeed emotions within all psychology disciplines of which I was aware.

I just thought of my 'process' as my progressive 'emergence' as my 'real' self, unobstructed and unobscured by emotional baggage and patterns (which of course really is the meaning of 'self realization' or 'self actualization'). 'Spirituality', however, wasn't really in my mind, even though I always felt a small openness of mind towards it - though actually not even really knowing what 'spirituality' was, apart from something apparently connected with religion, which I'd already had plenty enough of. I suspected, however, that my own lifestyle and outlook were getting close to Buddhism, even though I had yet to learn anything much of the latter.

I did notice, though, that certain parts of particular of my music compositions seemed to have a certain quality that I interpreted as 'spiritual' even though on the surface I didn't then really know what 'spiritual' meant - though at least assuming that 'spirituality' was something 'good'.

Also, especially during 1996, at times when I was walking about in town or having one of my lie-downs I would get a faint impression of the top of my head expanding into a whitish or light blue light, and this had about it a feeling of warmth and peacefulness. I assumed that this was something to do with spirituality, but my intuition was not to dwell on it and just to carry on my life as it was until I was somehow guided to do differently.

Enlightenment and 'Dzogchen'

Then, on the evening of New Year's Day 1997, when in the middle of composing the last movement of my 6th Symphony - which movement was intended to be a celebration of 'spiritual enlightenment' (which I didn't know anything much about except that it was supposed to be a very good and special thing to happen to one) - I myself became enlightened. This is recounted in detail in my article Crossing the Threshold of Enlightenment. I then immediately 'recognised'*, to my utter amazement, that I was not only on a 'spiritual path' but on a very high one indeed. I then understood that my thoroughgoing use of the AT had been cultivating everyday mindfulness - a way of being that is highly prized in Buddhism and is regarded as a normal prerequisite for enlightenment to occur. In fact I had been cultivating this mindfulness to quite an extent even when I was in the RC community - in particular when I was (so frequently) having my solo RC sessions, when I would observe so much of what was going on in my mind and interact with it as though I were a second person - a peaceful and loving observer and guide.

* - But actually that 'recognition' was actually mis-recognition - thanks to the dark force sourced confusions that permeate not only Buddhism but 'spiritual' and mystical traditions pretty generally. It's almost universally believed that enlightenment is something to do with spirituality, and so enlightenment is called 'spiritual enlightenment, even though it actually has nothing to do with spirituality but a great deal to do with self realization / self actualization.

Unfortunately I had picked up from the Buddhist teachings (which completely confuse the distinction between spirituality and 'self realization') the completely incorrect notion that if I was enlightened I was on a high level 'spiritual path'. Thus here began the real mischief for me, for spirituality in all its forms is one of the multitude of side-tracks that the dark force diverts people into in order to get them away from genuine self actualization - but I came to know this only after the event of my near-nemesis at the hands of the dark force. So, I was thus, from that point of my becoming enlightened, starting to get myself sidetracked by the 'spirituality' phenomenon and thus increasingly into the clutches of the dark force.

From that point on I was following a simple but powerful practice that could be regarded as being the essence of Dzogchen but without all the cultural and religious beliefs and esoteric practices with which Tibetan Buddhism had surrounded it.

In basic Dzogchen, all you do is keep your self-identification upon the deepest level of consciousness, which is naked awareness beyond all concepts. That is your enlightened essence. By continuously experiencing that as "I", you, as the 'meta-space' within which all experiences and phenomena arise, are then the peaceful observer of whatever you experience. This allows many minor emotional issues just to dissolve as they arise, and leads over time to a great quietening of the mind.

It seemed to me that Dzogchen fitted beautifully with the AT, making for a much fuller breaking of patterns through simply observing troublesome or negative thoughts or feelings and allowing them to dissolve as you watch. I also thought that at some time I probably should get into spiritual healing, but was concerned not to rush into it, lest my 'ego' get involved (the very distorted Buddhist teachings about the 'ego' had rubbed off on me a bit, though actually it was good that they had caused me to be somewhat circumspect about getting into spiritual healing). I thought that if I were meant to have that sort of involvement, then circumstances would guide me to it.

Although what I was doing could be seen to be effectively the essence of Dzogchen, the label 'Dzogchen' has so much Tibetan Buddhism baggage and tradition attached to it that nowadays I don't use that label at all, even though I continue in a flexible manner with that same mental discipline that is so simple that it is really not a 'practice' at all. By using the label 'Dzogchen' for such a simple and natural mental discipline, I'd simply been causing widespread misunderstanding, because then so many people had been thinking that I was claiming to be using a Tibetan Buddhist practice but was displaying supreme ignorance in disregarding all the Tibetan Buddhist traditional and esoteric baggage surrounding it. Also, I was unwittingly helping to perpetuate the esotericization of the simple mental discipline of cultivating one's enlightened awareness - because that's all it really is, and no prestigious name is required for that simple mental discipline.

So, let's be clear that I distance myself completely from all traditions and simply work with the essentials of my own experience. 

Spiritual healing - Reiki

Circumstances did indeed guide me into spiritual healing, as described on my FAQ page - and little did I know at the time what serious problems this was leading me into!

In late 1998 I joined a small local healers' group, which met every Thursday lunchtime in a room above the Evolution shop in Exeter's Fore Street, just two corners from where I was living. Group members gave healing to members of the public for a small donation, and when free to do so would exchange healing between themselves. I came into this very tentatively, having little idea of whether I'd be any good at it. Indeed I came into it as a sceptic (in the positive sense), wanting to have clear observations of experiences and happenings that couldn't be explained by Western science before I would fully accept that spiritual healing was more than mumbo-jumbo.

Although I witnessed no instant miracle cures of physical issues (I understood that these were not to be expected), increasingly I felt the healing energy (or so I thought!*), which behaved in ways that were beyond explanation in Western science and medicine. I also witnessed people who received hands-on healing become much more relaxed and peaceful and have old emotional issues start freeing up so that they could start releasing through crying and related processes. Longer-term, I was to see people becoming altogether more in charge of their situations and bringing about much needed positive change in their lives. Healing was thus, at least in some cases and to some extent, manifesting as a process of self empowerment for the recipients.

* Little did I know then that true healing 'energy' cannot significantly be felt by anyone, and that what supposed healing energy is felt to any significant extent is impressions relayed to the people by the dark force in order to confuse them and lead them away from working from one's core essence only, which latter is the only safe and healthy way to go about 'energy work' healing, free of dark force involvement. So, little did I or indeed anyone in that group know that we were all unawarely dealing with the dark force all along! It wasn't that no healing was occurring, but the dark force was keeping us diverted into a limited version of healing, which wouldn't in any way weaken or threaten the dark force's hold on us, and which indeed would tend to increase its hold.

Among my early observations inexplicable by Western science were the following:

• Often when giving healing my hands would be cold, because I have Raynaud's disease. Yet it was common for recipients to feel a lot of heat from my hands, whether on contact or a few inches away, and in some cases would indeed heat up quite a bit all over, even when they could also feel that my hands were cold. This was not a matter of the recipient's expectations, because it happened with the odd people who came, who'd never had hands-on healing before and didn't know what to expect.

• On one occasion when I was being given healing by the group leader (P) and another experienced healer, towards the end of the session I was feeling what seemed to be a steady and quite spectacular build up of what I interpreted as 'love energy' in my 'aura', which seemed to be resonating between the three of us. I was sitting on an upright chair, and P had had her hands on me through a descending sequence of positions and finally had her hands on my feet, so she was kneeling on the floor, and indeed was concentrating while facing the floor, so she could not see me at all apart from my feet. Experimentally, and without saying anything, with my intent I focused that 'powerful love energy' on P, who was kneeling there in front of me, looking down at the floor. At once she raised herself and exclaimed to me in amazement, "Philip, what was that? It was beautiful!". She had felt a tremendous wave of what she interpreted as loving energy pass through her, and indeed was aware that it had come from me.

  What I didn't realize then was that such happenings, although indeed not accountable-for by Western 'science', were not the wonderful and benign manifestations that I thought at the time. Such impressions that people get during healing work are almost always produced by the dark force in order to keep the people hooked on such experiences rather than true healing.
  

  So, as already noted, the only fully safe and effective healing 'energies' are from one's own core essence, which is based in fundamental consciousness ('the Ultimate'), and those 'energies' are hardly feelable at all. So anything that is significantly felt during a healing session is pretty well bound to be a distraction given to one by the dark force for some highly problematical purpose - never mind how wonderful it may feel.

Gradually I gained experience, also helped by having a weekly healing exchange with a member of the group. The group leader was a Reiki teacher* and eventually I went on a Reiki I workshop led by her. Later on I went on a Reiki II workshop of hers. However, I wasn't given a Reiki II certificate because of a stupid little technical detail which was to do with personal power politics and not Reiki at all, and so I didn't take Reiki III with her and went eventually to another teacher for that.

* The whole nonsense of calling Reiki teachers 'Masters' (with the capital 'M' too!) is one of the various dark force sourced aspects of Reiki and various other healing and self actualization oriented traditions. In real terms, nobody is a master (except of themselves, if indeed they allow themselves to be), let alone a Master! That description is a potent status symbol, which attracts countless extremely unsuitable people into those traditions to become supposed teachers of them for the underlying purpose of gaining personal status. That's all dark force stuff, about personal status, power and control. Real healing is very much about self empowerment and freeing oneself from all control agendas.

If you want to keep clear of the dark force, 
 you don't collect status symbols / 
 self deception aids like this one! 
 N.B. Packs of these ornamental certificates, 
 complete with cheap stick-on gilt (or do I 
 mean 'guilt'?) seal but blank within the main 
 rectangle, could be bought cheaply at 
 W.H.Smith's just a few minutes' walk 
 from where I live.

Even though I then had a Reiki III certificate which, laughably, said "Master" on it (see above), I was in no hurry to set up any sort of formal healing or teaching practice, because I still saw my priority as self healing, especially as it was clear that I still had a lot of isolation and loneliness material (including an invisible barrier that kept people distant from me and prevented my gaining ongoing significant friendships), and until this was cleared I simply wouldn't have many clients coming to me. Also I was aware of a little inner nagging about my early childhood torments, for these seemed so far to have hardly been addressed at all in all my self healing, and it felt as though there were something significant and menacing there, still awaiting my attention - whenever I really knew what to do about it. This was underlined by my continuing fear of being alone in the dark, and by my morbid dread of any hint of 'the occult'.

For a few years I carried out daily self healing, sitting on an upright chair, using notionally standard Reiki hand positions (there actually being no one 'right' set of hand positions). This was in addition to my AT lie-downs, which now incorporated healing visualizations. It seemed that such healing did not in itself fully heal emotional traumas, but it did loosen them up so that emotional release could occur much more readily. It thus seemed to go naturally alongside RC. It was a relief, too, to find that most spiritual healers more or less accepted some degree of emotional release, when it occurs, as a common part of the healing process. So I was able to cry more again, not only on my own but sometimes with somebody too - though now my emphasis was normally not on sustaining long periods of emotional release, but rather, allowing release to occur when something triggered it, and then to allow it in full but let it tail off naturally, so that the spell of release took its place as a part of a broader healing process rather than being a holy grail that was always sought for in itself.

I had the occasional people come to me for healing, and generally I taught them the basics of healing and had them exchange healing with me, so that I benefited and they also benefited by the personal empowerment that I was giving them. However, one of these people, who suddenly stopped coming and dropped all contact with me, turned out to have brought with him a very serious 'entity' issue, and had left a seriously problematical 'entity' or 'spirit' in my flat, of which I myself wasn't aware, but which a healer friend (MC, who gets further honourable mentions further below) noticed a month later and removed*. What was interesting was that that entity hadn't attached to me during that month while it was in my flat. I describe that situation in more detail in "Am I a Healer?"

* Er, well, no, it wasn't quite that simple! Yes, in effect he did remove it, but NOT by means of the supposed entity removal method ('smudging' of my flat with sage smoke) that he got me to use - for that method is utterly and completely useless for driving out anything more than possibly a few flies (and possibly actual people) - and NOT by any means that would gain him any sort of personal credit as a healer or 'lightworker'!

Indeed, it would give him far too much credit, for me to say at all that he removed the entity. He thought it had gone, because his pendulum dowsing indicated that it had gone - having no idea that it was the dark force that was giving him his dowsing answers, and thus that his dowsing answers were worse than worthless. What had apparently happened was that the entity had attached to him, because half an hour after leaving my flat he phoned me in a pretty stressed state and in a somewhat accusing tone, telling me that the entity was attached to him and a daughter of his, and was draining his energy like no-one's business. He did apparently manage to clear it later that day after having followed advice given by somebody experienced in supposed entity removals.

However, I write all the above on the assumption that there really was an entity hanging around in my flat as MC was claiming, but actually I had only MC's word for that on the basis of his dowsing and his subsequently having the problem that he interpreted as that entity having attached to him.

As his dowsing was actually being controlled by the dark force, just as any such dowsing would be, in much later retrospect I keep a very open mind as to whether there really had ever been such an entity in my flat then or whether MC had been mightily deceived by the dark force just as the latter had actually been deceiving him over many, many things, such as in all his channelling, in which he believed he was communing and getting guidance from ascended masters, angels, archangels, etc.

My own inner retrospective inquiry does actually support the hypothesis that there was a real 'entity' of some sort in my flat at that time, which did attach to MC, but nonetheless I regard that as pretty speculative, and I still keep a very open mind about it.

Despite that, I still occasionally had people for healing, who I taught something of how to be their own healers.

Accepting reincarnation as 'fact'

One thing that I'd taken on board as 'read' when I crossed the enlightenment threshold and temporarily came under the spell of Buddhism was the process of reincarnation, and I assumed I myself had had past lives. Once I was into healing work I found that the vast majority of healers accepted that we all reincarnated and had done so many times before, but they differed from the Buddhist view in regarding the reincarnation process as being a chronological sequence of incarnations as part of an evolutionary process. This made much more sense to me than the Buddhist view, which saw people trapped in a chaotic sequence of incarnations with no overall evolutionary process involved.

I soon came to assume that the apparent immensity of certain of my emotional issues - particularly relating to isolation and loneliness - must reflect an accumulation of  isolation and loneliness patterns from major and probably repeated separation traumas in previous lifetimes.

What I didn't know then was that there are actually two types of reincarnation that occur - basic reincarnation and soul reincarnation - something not known in any tradition of which I'm aware. The vast majority of people are soul incarnations / reincarnations, while a small minority, such as myself are no-soul incarnations. Actually, in an important sense everyone is a basic incarnation - that is, an incarnation of fundamental consciousness. However, most such basic incarnations have been hijacked by the dark force and programmed into entering into sequential, karmic soul incarnations. I explain more about this in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

Actually, the Buddhist traditions appear to me to be inconsistent and very confused indeed over how they believe reincarnation to operate - tending to have an 'official' line that has aspects of the basic and soul types of reincarnation, but with individual 'masters' often effectively believing in sequential soul reincarnation, without understanding at all the significance of that belief, nor indeed the significance of the soul (something whose presence is denied in Buddhism, as far as I can tell, but then they effectively reclaim it under different names, such as 'the mental body' or 'the causal body').

As a no-soul incarnation (i.e., according to my own working model of how reincarnation works), I don't have past life memories of my own in the way that soul incarnations would, but I was carrying a lot of past life memories that were not mine, owing to the parasitic lost souls attached to me - about which more in Part 2 of this account.

Extending Reiki - Kwan Yin, Seven Archangels

A seemingly 'guided' hitch-hiking encounter led me to SS, a local healer who gave me the attunements to Kwan Yin and six other goddess figures, and also the Seven Archangels. The Kwan Yin / Seven Goddesses attunement used the OM symbol and the Seven Archangels attunement used the six-pointed star in a circle.

After those attunements I found that my intuition in healings was repeatedly to use either of these symbols in place of the standard Reiki ones. With these symbols I started being more intuitive about healing and less tied to the Reiki tradition that I'd been taught but had felt to be limiting. In any case the Usui Reiki tradition was hardly an old one with the apparent authenticity of any sort of antiquity to commend it, and indeed that tradition was actually passing on something very different from what Usui had been teaching - though it wasn't till very much more recently that I came to understand that every single version of Reiki was just another 'flavour' of dark force involvement, so Mikao Usui was no less dark force led and deceived than the individuals who are dishing up something different as 'Usui Reiki' or indeed any openly different version of Reiki such as Karuna, Golden Ray, Tera Mai or even Vortex Healing (which latter makes no claim to be related to Reiki and is supposed to be way 'above' it).

I felt a new level of warmth coming through me in healings*, and was sometimes moved to give impromptu attunements for Kwan Yin or the Seven Archangels, on hiking outings and even to the odd alcoholic homeless people in Exeter who asked me for healing. Yet still nobody was really connecting with me as a reciprocating friend, and I was sometimes having to be very diligent in keeping my loneliness feelings in the background and still attending to what was positive in my life.

* Actually I'd always felt that there was something a bit restricted about Reiki, with its use of symbols, not to mention all the 'healing politics' and the absurd calling of Reiki practitioners 'Masters' (yes, with a capital 'M') after just three workshops and a certificate, or indeed in some cases after just a single weekend workshop and a certificate. However, the truth here was that the 'new level of warmth' that I felt in the healings was nothing other than an impression being given to me by the dark force in order to encourage me in that direction - as I was quite soon to start finding out the hard way!

In the case of my using the supposed Goddess and Archangel energies and symbols, I was actually taking a lot on trust, for I never perceived those supposedly higher beings. In fact it was not until well into 2006 that I came to understand that these goddess figures and the so-called archangels and so-called ascended masters were all illusions created in particular people's minds by the dark force and designed to divert people from the direct means to enlightenment by keeping them in the illusion of an objective, supposedly external 'spiritual' or 'higher' reality containing a hierarchy of higher beings in a corresponding hierarchy of 'dimensions' (levels of existence or consciousness).

Also, the dark force was encouraging people to use symbols in their healing work, because symbols do not connect you to the most effective healing energies and can cause various problems, and using symbols or/and simply invoking supposed higher beings was all diverting people away from the purest and most powerful 'spiritual' healing source that there is, which is freely accessible to each one of us without need for attunements and workshops or indeed looking outside ourselves.

And what is that A1 healing source? -- Why, your own innermost essence, of course - the Universal Consciousness (what I generally refer to as fundamental consciousness), of which you and I are part! If you open to or invoke that source from within the centre of yourself in your healings you are using a pure healing source, while in fact invoking any 'higher beings' or external energies would be getting you energies from less 'high' levels, also with the constant hazard of bringing in problematical energies, dark force interferences and entities at the same time. Also, by working with your innermost essence rather than anything external you would be speeding your way to optimal self actualization and becoming happy and totally free from the power / control agendas of the dark force. That's why the dark force is constantly interfering with people to direct them away from doing that. See Healing From Our Core Essence.

I have no doubt at all that all those healing activities of mine, invoking supposed higher beings and external energies, were drawing in a progressive accumulation of further future problems for me. At least, fortunately most of the healings I did came spontaneously from my core, so unlike many healers I was not so often invoking higher beings, nor visualizing 'light' coming in through my crown - something that always seemed a bit alien to me, for, being enlightened, I always really perceived myself as fundamental consciousness or 'the Ultimate' anyway and so had no good cause to invoke energy or assistance from a supposedly higher source.

You see, actually standard healing practice was actually leading me astray, for I was assuming that these healers - or at least the best of them - knew what they were doing, and I'd been a bit of a sheep and hadn't been following my deepest good sense to use only my innermost core as my healing source (and indeed source of guidance), and thus to some extent I'd been following those people in their seriously misguided ways.

You can read more about these issues in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

Crystals and Wands - preparing the ground for my near-nemesis...

It was about that time that also I was tending increasingly to wear the odd crystals and stones and to put crystals on myself during my AT lie-downs. I had no special knowledge about crystals and how to use them, but did learn the main (purported) healing properties of a few crystal and stone types. So, I used crystals and stones in a very ad-hoc sort of way. I was gradually acquiring quite a collection of them - most of them actually becoming nothing more than ornaments in my flat because I had little idea how I might usefully use them. "They'll surely come in useful sometime", sort of thing.

Actually I strongly suspect now that what was really going on was a sort of tug-of-war between my own deepest aspects and the dark force - the latter seeking to get me using crystals, and the former giving me sort-of "best avoided" messages, which were too subtle for me to 'hear' directly but were enough to keep demotivating me from actually using crystals very much.

Then, in 2002 the the Evolution crystals-and-books shop just a couple of corners from where I live obtained a wonderful variety of the most beautiful crystal wands made by Chakra Gems Art, an Indian co-operative. I bought a fair number of them and even had a few made to special order. I felt that they had the potential to take my healing into a new league (actually one of the dark force 'messages' that I was getting and misinterpreting as my own good sense), but yet I had little idea of how to use them. I then also found myself looking with great interest at other wands using crystals. As with single crystals and stones, I had an urge to possess this and that type of wand in the hope that they would bring about some quantum leap in my self healing. It was as though a 'wands' button had been pushed for me* and there was some special type of wand that I was looking for and had yet to find.

* Well, yes, indeed it had been, but the 'button being pushed' was to do with the markedly increasing dark force interference with me, which was pretending to be my own 'inner guidance'. 

7-Chakra Wand, large, from Chakra Gems Art - length 12" (30 cm)

Clear quartz shaft, with rose quartz and aventurine - length 7¼" (18.3 cm)

Clear quartz with turquoise, chrysocolla, serpentine and other stones - length 7½" (19 cm)
This was one of my favourites, despite my having had to repair it twice 
 after two spontaneous breakages of the very poor quality middle section.

At the same time I'd discovered in another local crystals shop Lemurian seed crystals, which are a special type of quartz, which seemed to me more powerful (i.e. in 'energy' terms) than any other crystals I'd come across. I accumulated a number of them, feeling about them a bit as I did about the wands - collecting them and feeling that somehow they could have special purposes for me but yet not knowing really what to do with them. I did understand that they were powerful channelling aids and could channel what were claimed to be particular ex-Lemurian beings who were wanting to bring a lot of new healing to Humanity through these crystals. So, I tended to put certain of these crystals on myself during my lie-down sessions, and I carried one about with me in a little pouch. Indeed I had one set in silver to wear as a decidedly chunky pendant.

Lemurian seed crystal, showing the characteristic
transverse ridges on each face and slightly pink tinge.

Another powerful kind of stone I was introduced to about then was Moldavite - a rare kind of tektite found only in a small area in Eastern Europe. Up till early 2005 I accumulated several pieces - all pendants except for one, which was a beautiful relatively large uncut piece on a silver bracelet. Moldavite allegedly has many high-level healing properties, but in particular it is regarded as having the highest 'vibration rate' (of the subtle energies) of any known mineral on Earth, and so it is supposed to be good for raising one's 'vibration rate' and bringing about further 'high spiritual opening up' and connection with Galactic and Universe energies.

This was really nasty, even dangerous misinformation - albeit very widely believed. The notion of 'spiritual opening up' is a dark force sourced misinterpretation of the seriously ungrounding effects of moldavite, which causes one, through becoming more ungrounded, to open one's awareness increasingly into the astral sub-reality and thus to become more open and vulnerable to the dark force. And the notion of getting connected or more connected with Galactic and Universe energies is simply a smokescreen euphemism for getting more dark force connections in one's system - most likely including actual 'energy implants'. So, by wearing moldavite I was doing myself a very serious mischief.

You can take it as 'read', that anywhere that you hear talk of anything "raising one's vibration rate", that is equivalent to "opening one up spiritually", which is equivalent, as already noted, to ungrounding oneself and becoming more open and vulnerable to the dark force and all its deceptions including illusory 'higher realities'.

In late 2005 a local healer friend - yes, MC again! - introduced me to Preseli bluestone, and I used two pendant pieces and a large massage-type wand cut and polished from this stone. This was claimed to be powerful for healing past life traumas and so I wore the pendant pieces and had the wand on myself in addition to the other wands and stones during my self healing lie-downs.

Preseli bluestone wand - length 6¾" (17 cm)

Again, the information I had about Preseli bluestone was a harmful distortion of the reality, and pretty well all of its supposed healing functions were really to do with opening oneself more to the dark force, which of course was pretending to most people to be benign and indeed positive 'spirituality'.

Indeed, in addition to their direct harmfulness, altogether all this about crystals and wands was a very harmful distraction, undoubtedly engineered by the dark force covertly interfering with me, from simply opening to and using the highest-grade and most powerful healing source that there was and indeed is - my own deepest essence, which is also the fundamental consciousness or naked awareness of which I and all things are manifestations.

I explain further in Sacred Geometry, Wands and Crystals - A Serious Warning, how the crystals, stones and wands were actually harming me directly, quite apart from any issue of their accumulating 'foreign' energies and 'entities' (actually not really entities but elementals).

Sacred geometry Wands - Instruments of my near-nemesis

It finally turned out that there was indeed a special type of wand that I was apparently 'meant' to find. When I pored through the 2003 brochure for that year's Quest fair in Newton Abbot I saw an advert from a small 'lightworking' business that made sacred geometry tools, including wands.

The sacred geometry wands made by the proprietor, GH, turned out to be what I thought I'd been really looking for. It seemed to me that my higher consciousness* must have known about them for some time, to have been directing my interest towards healing wands in the way that it had. I had only to look at the pages about the wands on the particular website and I felt at once that these were in a completely different class from any other wands I'd seen, and had the potential to bring my self healing forward very significantly.

* I now understand that it was actually the dark force that was directing me towards these. Neither I nor anyone has a 'higher consciousness'. That is one of the myriads of inventions of the dark force. And the impression that I'd got, of their having really special healing qualities would undoubtedly have come NOT from any real healing qualities of theirs, but from their weakening and ungrounding effects, which the dark force was causing me to misinterpret as 'spiritual opening up' or 'spiritual advancement'.

Galactic Wand 
 Shaft 4.7" (12 cm); total length 11.1" (28.2 cm)

Advanced St Germain Wand (large version) 
 Shaft 9.6" (24.4 cm); total length 13.9" (35.3 cm)

These wands were all individually made and programmed for me, so they were not only supposedly very powerful healing tools but were also focused and tuned in a way that no over-the-counter wand could ever be*. Also, the wands came with instructions for their use. To my relief, the instructions were brief and the main suggestion was to use one's own intuition, and that in any case it was perfectly effective just to hold the particular wand in a hand or even just to have it in one's 'aura'. So there was not any complexity of usage to learn at all.

* I would gently point out here that any object that is tuned or programmed personally for you by another person straightaway opens up possibilities of adverse programming being used, which could be seriously harmful for the recipient. Even assuming that the provider / programmer of the object consciously has only positive intentions, the sort of adverse interferences (i.e. from what I'm calling the dark force) that apparently affect pretty well all healers and 'lightworkers' could easily put adverse programming / tuning into the object, 'piggybacking' on what the person believes he is doing with the object.

So, actually I was innocently putting a hell of a lot of actually very unwise trust in GH and his wands, just accepting his word about them - which may well have been genuinely meant but would not tell one about what his own adverse interferences had been quietly superimposing upon his own 'energy processing', programming or tuning of those wands.

As I've come to understand much more recently, the only objects that can be fully beneficial for healing purposes are of polished spherical or ovoid shape, and any 'energies' from or programming in objects of other shapes cannot help but be at least a bit weakening and disruptive to one's non-physical aspects - this all the more so with wands containing crystals, and even more so when they carry angulated 'sacred geometry' constructions. So, actually GH's (or indeed anyone else's) sacred geometry wands were among the most harmful possible devices in terms of doing damage to one's non-physical aspects - and that's even before we've started talking of possibly actually putting in programming that harnesses that intrinsic disruptiveness and amplifies it to cause the user eventual very serious problems indeed.

Being keen on getting moving with my self healing, I had several of these wands made for me initially - the Healing, Prosperity, Advanced St Germain and Galactic wand, and it was the full-size and thus more powerful versions of the former three, not the small versions that their maker had illustrated on his website. Each wand was programmed to channel the energies of (allegedly) particular high-level healing beings such as Mutu, St Germain and Archangel Michael.

Curiously, it was the day after I'd placed my first order for any of these wands that I had a hitch-hiking encounter with a woman who was on her way to a Vortex Healing (VH) workshop. I'd not heard of VH before, and learnt from her that VH is a bit like Reiki but much more complex and also, allegedly, much more powerful, having the potential to clear all a person's emotional and karmic issues from all lifetimes, within this lifetime. That was the first time I'd heard such a claim made for a healing system, and I was at once very interested. Could it be that this was really what I should be doing, and that these sacred geometry wands that had so much excited me were already virtually redundant, even before I'd received any of them?

However, when I looked at the VH website I thought this all looked horrendously complex, with a prodigious number of necessary attunements, and it was clear that many costly workshops would be required for me to get 'there' with VH, and I was low on cash resources. So I asked GH whether I'd be able to channel VH myself through a wand of his. He said that actually Merlin, who allegedly channelled VH to Ric Weinman (the founder of VH), was the same as St Germain and so I should be able to do something about that with my St Germain wand.

My subsequent channelled information was that Merlin was not the same as St Germain, but because their 'vibration frequencies' were quite similar, Merlin could channel through the St Germain wand.

Anyway, once I received the first wands I didn't know how I might get channelled communications through them and just concentrated on their (supposed) healing functions, putting them on or around me during my lie-downs. By this time my lie-downs were fully my self healing sessions, combining their AT function with the purported spiritual healing from the wands and any crystals I used. I was no longer having sitting sessions using standard Reiki hand positions.

You see how I was letting myself be led more and more away from working with my core essence and instead looking to external devices / energies / entities for my own healing? I'm pretty sure that GH who made these wands had, in his own distorted way, the best intentions and genuinely, like nearly all healers and lightworkers, didn't understand that he himself was unwittingly to some extent following a dark force agenda. He had all the hallmarks of such influence - including having taken on an 'angel name' (the second part of which was Melchizedek, one of the so-called ascended masters, all of which are simply illusions created in people's minds by the dark force) - and working with external non-physical beings (especially 'ascended masters') and believing that the human race and indeed the Earth will very soon flip from the physical dimension into the supposed 5th dimension, which supposedly would be some sort of paradise.

All those 'New Age' preoccupations are part of the dark force's means to divert us away from true enlightenment, freedom and happiness and into illusory realities and even astral realms, in which we would be captive to the dark force.

Channelling -- the Ordeals -- 'Am Re Reiki'

On a day in early October 2003 I started using a pendulum in a way I'd seen a very experienced dowser use one, which produced answers reliably and quickly. While holding a particular Lemurian quartz crystal in my receptive (left) hand (intended as a channelling aid) and using the pendulum with my right hand, I began to get coherent yes/no answers from what seemed unequivocally to be a non-physical being. I assumed at first that this was an ex-Lemurian being connected with the Lemurian crystal. However, this 'being' claimed to be an ascended master called Ahn.

And thus my troubles began, for what I didn't know was that the dark force had been waiting for me to start channelling.  I have written at length about these experiences and indeed at times severe ordeals in my article The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. Until April 2004 I didn't understand that anything other than supposedly true higher beings were involved, and so was getting increasingly troubled and confused as an assemblage of what were allegedly ascended masters, high-level guides and even supposedly 'Divine Consciousness', played all manner of reckless and sometimes cruel tricks on me and eventually, from early 2004, subjected me to serious psychic attacks that seemed near to destroying me.

As I now understand, all these different sorts of entity and 'presence' were simply illusions that the dark force creates in people's minds, so actually the only real 'external' presence involved was the dark force. I explain more about this in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks.

I soon progressed from using a pendulum to using guided hand movements to get my yes/no answers, and this soon progressed to my getting internal visual yes/no answers, also sometimes with an actual 'thought voice'. This meant I was getting more deeply involved with the 'entities' that were communicating with me, and I was thus unwittingly giving a lot of power to them.

During all this confusion of bizarre tricks and attacks there was much happening on the healing front, however. Although apparently it was largely troublesome 'entities' communicating with me, what I was receiving actually appeared to be a mixture of communications from them and from higher sources*, so I was getting a lot of apparently good and important information as well as the fiction, and I was at times being guided through what appeared at the time to be very strong healings - although these were hard work because they were not using painless fast track methods, which I didn't find till later, the dark force, posing as 'guidance', having diverted me consistently away from anything that would make my self healing easy and fast.

* My understanding nowadays is that any truly 'good' (i.e. genuinely helpful) information would have been sourced from my own deepest aspects - NOT any separate 'higher' source - but it was being relayed to me by the dark force, complete with distortions, deletions and insertions according to the agenda of the dark force to cause me problems and lead me astray.

During late 2003 I was given many seemingly powerful self healing sessions, allegedly guided by the well-known high guide Orin. In retrospect I'm sure that it's meaningless to say that Orin was or wasn't involved*, but at least what at the time seemed to be some powerful self healing work was done, in addition to my self healing lie-downs with the wands. I had a number of intensive emotional healing sessions, when I would focus on some appropriate idea or image and get crying, with the Galactic Wand pointing closely at whichever supposed chakra position was feeling the most discomfort**.

* That's because the supposed high guide Orin, no matter how highly regarded, was and is just another of the illusions created in particular people's minds by the dark force, just as much as is the case for any other supposedly guiding or higher being, for the sake of luring people into involvement with the dark force, which can then by an immense variety of deceits and subterfuges lead people away from true and full self actualization and the true 'homecoming' (reversion to fundamental consciousness) when they die.

** OUCH! So, thus during those sessions I was further harming myself and rendering myself still more open and vulnerable to the dark force!

In this manner I was guided through healing an apparent past life trauma* in which I'd allegedly been strangled as a baby and rescued in the nick of time by somebody who, allegedly, in the present incarnation is a musician friend of mine. My 'guidance' presented me with all the images and directions for facilitating my emotional release and clearing the core of that trauma, without the need to to do a 'regression' - i.e. to go through direct memories of the incident. I was also similarly taken through my allegedly being burnt at the stake as an alleged witch in Bratislava in 1642.

* I recognise now that what appeared to be past life experiences of mine were, as far as I can tell, experiences that I myself never went through, and are almost certainly instead memories relating to real past events that belonged to lost, dark force degraded human souls that had attached parasitically to me in my first year or two of life - though as experienced by me those memories would generally have been more or less distorted by the dark force. I now understand this to happen to just about everyone, so loading them with all manner of memories, traumas and emotional issues from past lives that actually are not theirs but are experienced by them as their own because of the way that the parasitic consciousnesses (of people who'd died at various times in and before human history on Earth) are attached to them.

Because of the deceptions from the dark force and its continually seeking to get us believing 'story' about our nature and our past for an extremely troublesome and harmful purpose, I now completely disregard all claims that anyone in the present time is an incarnation of some specific previous personality (without either disbelieving anything, for that would be taking on another belief, which would itself cause problems).

There was also one self healing session of mine when a purported memory of being in some cosmic cataclysm* emerged, with a very disturbing  absolutely blinding white light emerging for a few moments in my inner vision. I handled this as I'd do for any old trauma at that time, by breathing in the image and trusting my core essence to transform the trauma and negative energy into (healthy) light and healing energy* - to various expressions of great consternation from the perceived 'higher' beings attending to me (which of course were only dark force sourced illusions), as though I'd been breathing in the actual event - which would hardly have been possible, seeing that it was allegedly the destruction of a whole universe! 

This is an excellent example of how the dark force will take elements of truth and distort them to produce fiction to suit its own nefarious agenda. My inner inquiry on the subject points to the disturbing visual impression of that blinding light very likely having been a real memory, but not of mine! It would have belonged actually to one of the parasitic 'lost' souls attached to me, and it was apparently of being destroyed in a thermonuclear explosion (a very long time ago, not on Earth) - quite devastating enough, but not a cosmic cataclysm.

* This was a healing technique that I was already using to a certain extent even before I got into spiritual healing, for it arose out of my becoming enlightened, and my reading certain books by Tibetan Buddhist 'masters', in which a practice called Tonglen ('Giving and Receiving') was described. Intuitively I'd immediately started using a very basic, no-frills form of that practice, initially as a so-called 'spiritual practice' but even then it was really my own version of 'healing', even though I wasn't thinking of myself as a healer then. Significantly, this was the healthy, from-one's-own-core-essence type of healing - which shows that I was really pretty well on the right lines with healing until I got into 'spiritual healing'. What an irony!

Unfortunately, most likely my use of that simple breathing visualization - in itself a tremendous healing technique - became progressively somewhat harmful to me once I was getting led astray into spiritual healing and thus increasingly into the clutches of the dark force. The problem is that the dark force includes in people's soul programming a hidden belief (illusory reality) that to visualize breathing in any sort of 'negativity' or distorted energies would be greatly harmful to oneself - in order to ensure that people don't go using that most simple and liberating practice or technique. As a no-soul incarnation, I had no such soul programming, and was thus using the technique freely, and initially no doubt benefiting quite a bit from using it - although I didn't realize then that it's an ungrounding thing to do, so I was actually weakening my grounding by my considerable overuse of it. 

However, once I was into spiritual healing, almost certainly the dark force would have been covertly cultivating in the back of my mind the illusory reality in which any 'negativities' that I breathed in would 'stick' on me and thus accumulate, so harming me. This would have resulted in a small amount of that actually happening.

I'm pleased to relate, however, that I have now added an updated version of this procedure, which I now call Tonglen Breathing, to Some Potent Healing and Self Realization Practices. In my account of it there, I explain how it can be used with minimal problem about grounding, and how the problem of having a (very likely hidden) belief that the method would do one harm can be easily addressed in order to make Tonglen Breathing a safe and indeed highly beneficial healing and self actualization method for one to use.

The following day the dark force, posing as the well known (supposed) guide Orin, exploited that healing event by plying me with a completely different very disturbing image during a self healing session, and telling me it was the destruction of another universe. What I understand in hindsight is that that second one was actually an image picked from the tremendous mass of night hell ('night terrors') material available to the dark force. Anyway, at the time I took it to be another universe destruction - though it looked bizarre beyond belief and had about it a feeling of something being greatly wrong - and I breathed the image in as with the previous one. This time, however, I felt a queasiness and a niggling fear that perhaps I really had done myself a mischief that time - and this queasiness persisted for the rest of the day. What I didn't know at the time was that what I was experiencing was the dark force putting on a slight attack, both giving me a worrying pseudo-thought and the nauseous feeling. It's a wonder that it didn't take advantage of the situation and attack me really strongly then, for at that point it could have really freaked me!

Out of the maelstrom - 'Am Re Reiki'

 It was in December 2003 that, through my own persistence in asking questions to my 'guidance' (at that time still misidentified as the high guide Orin) and trying things out, I stumbled into what appeared to be effectively a new spiritual healing system akin to the well-known Reiki but using a new symbol that had been channelled to me the previous month. I was told that the symbol was the new OM, intended to be distributed far and wide as a replacement for all previous versions of the OM, and I was 'guided' to put it on my website for that purpose. This eventually turned out to be misinformation from the dark force (though at that time I had no idea that it was from the dark force), and for the first half of 2005 I actually withdrew the symbol from use because I wasn't sure whether it was really fully 'of the Light', considering the dire circumstances in which it had been given to me and in which the supposed healing system using it had arisen.

N.B. I have removed from here an illustration of that actually very beautiful symbol, because I've realised that there is a particular way malicious people could use it to do harm to others.

However, in July 2005 at the Findhorn community in Scotland I had a session with SW, a seemingly very clear and reliable channel for "Archangel Michael"*, and I then had apparent confirmation from 'Michael' that the new symbol was indeed fully 'of the Light'** and was intended to be widely used to help bring Humanity forward. Although I had no time then to inquire further about that symbol, I did soon after that get some communications, allegedly from my true highest guide and Archangel Michael***, and got confirmation that the symbol was not regarded as the 'new OM' at all but rather, as a synthesis of OM and spiral, and I was free to name it myself. As I'd then been given the mantra "Amiloys Re" to use with the symbol, it seemed to me natural and harmonious to call the symbol the Am Re, the healing system using it then being called Am Re Reiki.

* The emphasis needs here to be on 'seemingly', for I now clearly understand that SW was being seriously deceived and led by the dark force posing as Archangel Michael. His channelled answers to quite a number of questions from me were mostly not just incorrect but designed to reinforce the fictions I'd previously been given by the dark force interfering directly with me. In fact the particular symbol, like ALL supposedly sacred or healing symbols, was very much of the dark force and thus was something to jettison completely.

** Actually the trouble was that it was of the 'Light', for what I didn't know then was that the very notion of there being a polarity of 'light' or 'Light' vs dark in any non-physical or metaphysical sense has come to us from the dark force to deceive us and lead us into serious problems. Anything that is truly from 'the Light' is actually from the dark force. Thus the dark force (Archangel Michael) was telling me, in coded form, that the particular symbol was of the dark force - but I didn't know anything about that then, and assumed, like other people, that 'of the Light' necessarily meant 'good and beneficial'.

*** The true source of those communications again was the dark force posing as higher beings, so, no wonder I continued at that time to be led astray!

As for so-called Am Re Reiki, as noted above I originally stumbled into it in late 2003, then calling it Divine Consciousness Reiki (usually shortened to DC Reiki), because allegedly the so-called new OM connected you to 'Divine Consciousness'*, allowing you to channel 'Divine Consciousness' rather than passive Chi energy, which latter is what you get in standard Reiki. So, allegedly, I'd channelled a very simple healing system that had all the potentialities of Vortex Healing (which also works with 'Divine Consciousness') but without the complexities and need for lots of workshops or attunements. Allegedly, only one attunement was required - to the 'new OM' (i.e. the Am Re).

* I came to prefer to call this the Creator consciousness, which appeared then to be most accurately descriptive, minimizing any religious connotations. However, I now understand even that to be a distorted description and view of the true nature of the fundamental and universal aspects of consciousness. Perhaps the most fundamental problem about it was that it was assumed to be something pretty well external to oneself, so it was actually just another of the dark force lures to take us away from tuning in to our own core essence for all healing needs. The very epithet 'Divine' is actually warning enough to those who understand, because the whole concept of 'Divinity' comes from the dark force to lead us into its clutches.

I stumbled into this supposed healing system through a process of experiment and asking questions of my 'guidance', leading to my devising a simple and quick full clearance healing, using a rather harmfully 'over-blown' version of what I now call Tonglen Breathing used in conjunction with the 'New Om' symbol. - Except that I was misinformed at that time (of course!) and eventually was further misinformed that it wasn't really a full clearance healing for most people but really a fast clearance healing. Following reckless guidance (the dark force of course being responsible), I publicized this healing system on my website - in retrospect I'd say, very prematurely - and found some volunteers who were willing to be experimental subjects for the alleged full clearance healings.

What was interesting was that in a minority of the recipients quite severe emotional crises followed those 'fast clearance healings'. Once again, the dark force, posing as my inner guidance and information source, gave me a false explanation. Purportedly the fast clearance healings were working very powerfully indeed, strongly freeing up emotional trauma material, but, as with various other very powerful healing methods, the trauma feelings still had to be finally released from the system. So some people had a lot of buried emotional stuff surface, which they could feel strongly but didn't know how to release fast enough, and so they had a rough time - indeed what many healers know as a healing crisis. 

Ha-ha! Fast clearance? -- Actually hardly any clearance at all! My own retrospective inner inquiry about that is suggestive that the method was bogus from top to bottom! What the dark force did (we need to remember that this troublesome influence interferes with everyone, and (according to my own working model) its activities are co-ordinated throughout the Universe and any other universes according to its agenda of control and domination) was to give the recipients various displays, sensations and in various cases quite severe attacks to give me the impression that the method was greatly powerful, and to give the recipients various experiences / impressions that might in some cases encourage them to get hooked on the bogus healing system (I don't think anyone did to any significant extent) or to dismiss me as a dangerous individual, dabbling in things I didn't properly understand (or indeed being led by the 'dark forces', as indeed I was at that time!).

In fact, if, instead of doing that overblown use of Tonglen-style breathing combined with use of the harmful so-called 'New OM' symbol, I'd just used Tonglen Breathing, as I use it now, I could have given those people very effective healing sessions - but even then they wouldn't really have been either 'full clearance' or 'fast clearance' healings, because for real fast or full clearance work you need to work on yourself.

Actually the whole notion of 'healing crises' is from the dark force, in order to put up a smokescreen over its own interferences. The truth is that 'healing crises' are simply attacks and other adverse effects from dark force interference. True healing does NOT in itself cause adverse 'side effects', let alone crises. A fair proportion of people experience untoward 'side effects' from Reiki attunements - which actually points straight away to Reiki as NOT being the truly benign and wholesome healing system that its practitioners believe it to be.

In March 2006 I was thrown into confusion again about the true purpose of the particular symbol that I was calling the Am Re, because I showed it to the psychic surgeon CT, who was claiming to have an exceptionally strong connection to the Akashic Records, and he had the following to say on it:

What CT said was amazing but confusing for me. The symbol apparently had a special significance for me in view of my supposed Gilgamesh connection that had become apparent through my self healing path and my 'guidance' having actually told me that I'd been the historical Gilgamesh*, but I had here a discrepancy about its purpose, for according to CT it was not appropriate for use as a healing tool, and yet I was given it allegedly as a powerful healing tool, not just for me but for Humanity in general.

* As with all claims that I'd been particular prominent past personalities, I have let go of that notion, for it is unverifiable and is the sort of thing that the dark force seeks to have one believe in order to cause one more problems. Very likely various people have similarly been told they'd been Gilgamesh.

In any case I now recognise that CT was being himself heavily interfered with by the dark force, which was giving him much fiction, and it no doubt invented the Gilgamesh connection for the 'Am Re' and gave him more fiction about that, just to try to get me more attached to the notion that the dark force had already been giving me directly, that I myself had been the historical Gilgamesh. Indeed, the so-called Akashic Records, which CT is supposedly such an adept at reading, are bogus from top to bottom - another invention of the dark force in order to lead us astray.

Yes, it is true that within fundamental consciousness is a 'memory' of every instant of every experience that has ever happened, but that 'memory' is not a chronologically organized one that would correspond with the general notion of the Akashic Records, and, as with all channelling, when we imagine that we are 'reading' from it, what is really happening is that the dark force is, at best, relaying fragments from it that it has pieced together into a story to further its agenda of leading the person astray, but without a doubt the dark force would distort anything that it relayed, and, generally speaking, it would also add to any such data to make up individual stories from the immensely huge astral repository of illusions and 'story' - much of which is itself distorted earlier retrievals from fundamental memory.

At the time it was also puzzling as to why I'd been given the supposed Hindu version rather than the original version. Could the discrepancy about function come from this not being the original version? Perhaps just the original version was a guarding / protection symbol while this version really was meant as a healing tool. Anyway, it had certainly seemed to work as one. In any case I'd not been aware of it in any way keeping the 'entities' off me, despite my many attempts to use it for that purpose.

In retrospect I think the particular fictional information about the symbol was given to him in order to prompt me at some to stage try to channel the alleged original version of it, which no doubt at all would have had some specifically intended harmful effects upon me if I'd gone using it - not that CT would have been aware of that. I have no evidence of other than the best of intentions from CT, despite his being so 'pixie led' by the dark force.

In August 2006 I channelled what seemed to be more accurate information about the Am Re. Goodbye to 'Am Re Reiki', but, if my new information were correct, at least the Am Re truly was an important symbol for protection, lightworking and increasing the power of healings that one gives.

Also, I channelled an intimation that, although the original Hindu name for the symbol was the Chikodakta, the name 'Am Re' for this symbol was better to use at the present time, because that and the mantra 'Amiloys re' that I'd been given to use with it added a certain level of healing quality to it, even though it was still not primarily a healing symbol in itself. And then indeed I channelled what was claimed to be the Sumerian original version - for which I was given the name 'Kashak'.

N.B. I have removed from here illustrations of the two symbols, because I've realised that there is a particular way that malicious people could use them to do harm to others.

Now that I've got myself so much clearer from dark force influence, I can say with a reasonable degree of security that whether the 'Am Re' had ever had Hindu usage (or indeed had ever been called the Chikodakta) or the later-channelled symbol had ever been called the 'Kashak' or had had Sumerian usage, both symbols had originally come from the dark force for the purpose of causing trouble for people, increasing the hold upon them of the dark force.

The ordeals begin in earnest

In early 2004 the dark force started putting attacks on me, claiming that it was ascended masters carrying out experiments and training upon me, which was required for me to fulfil my alleged future higher purpose on Earth. The main type of attack at that time was what the supposed 'ascended masters' (i.e. the dark force) were claiming was my having my relationship chakra cords closed down to a very low level*, so that I felt as though I were being killed by diabolical psychic attacks. In fact when I had those greatly troublesome experiences a certain amount of actual healing was occurring, because, being enlightened, I was experiencing the feelings as (relatively) peaceful observer, and by this means the underlying emotional traumas were being gradually released permanently from my system. However, I say that in hindsight, and at the time I didn't know what the hell was going on and was getting to feel desperate. In any case, re-experiencing such feelings, and in such distorted and amplified form, would be no sane person's choice of healing method for them!

* That was complete rubbish, though, as always with the dark force, it was rather tenuously based on something real. At a much later stage, in 2005, I was given the story that this mystifyingly horrible experience was actually a reliving of a purported 'disconnection trauma' that I'd allegedly suffered 150,000 years ago in a Pleiadean civilization, when my higher consciousness had ended my life by cutting all my relationship chakra cords. That was rubbish too, but again based on something real, and indeed much nearer to home!

Through a process of inner inquiry in 2008, I got highly plausible pointers to the substance of those particular attacks having been birth trauma, which had been not only greatly amplified but also distorted by selectively amplifying the feelings of disconnection, isolation and wet coldness in the experience. Indeed, if I have got correct information from my inner inquiry, it would appear that the dark force actually attacks some Satanists with that trauma on demand from the Satanists themselves, as part of one or more particular Satanistic sexual practices. The dark force indeed dragged me through a bit of that on one night in my October 2004 severe ordeals.

After April 2004 I had no more obvious attacks till the autumn, though I still had unreliable 'guidance', which happily gave me a mixture of good information and reckless fiction. During that summer I took delivery of still more powerful sacred geometry wands - particularly the Higher Galactic and Advanced Higher Galactic wands. After a short acclimatization period I was using both wands a lot, and had them both against me during all my self healing lie-downs. They felt very good to be close to, but of course I was very likely overusing them and was running the risk of harmful effects*.

* Overstatement of the millennium! From mid-2007 onwards, using a inner inquiry / energy testing, I got clear pointers to all the sacred geometry wands being definitely harmful for me, not just when used a lot, but even through just being in my presence at all, this being because of the following particular factors:

• The sacred geometry structures, and indeed the whole construction of each wand, were directly disruptive to my energy field in a way that maximized my vulnerability to the dark force and entities of all types.
• The dark force had very strong 'resonance' connections with the sacred geometry structures, which, if there were no dark force, would be relatively benign.
• All these wands used crystals in their construction, and thus they additionally gave the disruptive effects from their respective crystals.
• The programming given to each wand was not benign, and had harmful elements. That was particularly true of the supposedly 'advanced' and custom wands - particularly the Advanced St Germain, Galactic, Advanced Higher Galactic and a custom 'personal' wand that I, in my innocent ignorance, came to call the Inner Truth (sic) wand - the latter, as far as I could tell through my inner inquiry, actually being potentially lethal and not having any healing element in its programming (fortunately I felt ill at ease with that one and didn't use it much).
• Less serious than the above four factors, but still significant - the wands overall, like the crystals used in them, were prone to accumulate problematical 'foreign' energies and get 'entities' (actually elementals rather than true entities) attached to them. GH, their maker, had claimed that such a thing was impossible, because he believed that the design and programming of these wands had come from the "highest possible source", which would keep them protected against all negativity. How the dark force was deceiving him (and me)!
• Another important point is that, although certain of these wands - despite all their other problems - did deliver sort-of healing energies, the energies that were channelled were unbalanced and 'rigid' (largely fixed by the wand's construction), just as with crystals, and unable to adjust to a person's healing requirements. That's a very poor deal compared with healing from one's own core essence (effectively 'the Ultimate'), which always delivers whatever 'energies' are most beneficial for the particular person at the particular time.

So, naturally, as soon as I'd established all that in 2007, I chose not to use such wands again. Instead I would work simply with my innermost essence, for that would be my means to receive the fullest, most powerful and balanced healing energies - not through any objects, devices or symbols, nor from any supposed higher beings, who, even if genuine, would always be lesser than my own core essence, which, as I say, is effectively 'the Ultimate'.

In Better Without Channelling you can read what I finally did about these wands.

Higher Galactic Wand Shaft 15 cm; total length c. 32 cm 
 Curiously, my retrospective inner inquiry in 2008 indicated 
 this wand as having completely ineffective or nonexistent programming.

Advanced Higher Galactic Wand Shaft 15 cm; total length c. 32 cm 
 Every bit as harmful as it was impressive!

During the summer of 2004 I added to my arsenal of sacred geometry wands two rather similar devices from the Maitreya monastery at Glastonbury. Even at the time I felt a bit uneasy about all their sacred geometry devices (of which they had an impressive range). I felt there was something very impersonal and rigid about their energy and whole 'presence', but had become so infatuated with the evident power of sacred geometry wands that I didn't heed my own inner warning signals. One of the devices (both illustrated below) was a weird pendant and the other was a double-ended device a little like GH's Galactic Wand but with a crystal shaft and magnets bound onto it by copper winding. This latter I'd paid a premium price for (£400) because it was actually not new at all but well used by GJ, the leader of that Buddhist sect, who was claimed, with a lot of 'fanfares', to be a living buddha and the current incarnation of Maitreya. You see how pixie-led I was becoming?!

* You can amuse yourself by going to The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks and then, from the list of signs of people's dark force involvements, seeing how highly the leader of that monastery (GJ, actually given the appellation 'His Holiness') scores for dark force involvement. No doubt he means of the best, but he is caught up in a massive power / control agenda that is powerfully pointing a lot of people away from true self actualization and inveigling them them into illusory realities that will ensure that they become fully ensnared by the dark force. Their sacred geometry devices are all part of the dark force's agenda with them, to help unground people and weaken their energy systems in ways that give the dark force more hold on the users.

Remember that saying, "All that glisters is not gold"...?

And so this Philip Goddard muggins innocently wore the pendant daily and placed the latter double-ended device on himself during his self healing lie-downs every day (so help me, er, somebody 'up there' who isn't a dark force invention! ).

In October 2004 my ordeals resumed, with my 'guidance' taking me through excessively rough day-and-night alleged self healing sessions* and a variety of ordeals, including getting into some relatively benign Satanistic-type practices. These ordeals led to the first of the new series of severe attacks, which in turn led to my being hospitalized - though hospital was definitely not what I had needed. The actual attacks were more a feature of the subsequent series of ordeals in December, which again led to a hospitalization. In these attacks fear-related feelings (fear, anxiety and panic) surfaced to nightmarish intensity (this time without any birth trauma attacks), and I was repeatedly told by my 'guidance' that this was the only way that I could heal the trauma associated with my early childhood night torments and so I had to go through all this whether I liked it or not, day and night. My 'guidance' sought to make it all seem as intimidating and frightening as possible - and, as I say, this led to my second hospitalization.

* This is a time-honoured type of deceit from the dark force - to appear to be guiding through healing practices, which do indeed give a sort of healing but also create or compound one's problems in other ways, and which in many cases tend to be difficult and inefficient - even overtly rough and harsh upon oneself. Indeed, the dark force typically gives the (completely false) impression that the difficulty or harshness of a method is a measure of its power.

Curiously, during the October 2004 ordeals, my 'guidance' urged me to destroy those two sacred geometry devices from the Maitreya monastery, as part of a minor 'orgy' of destroying various things in my flat associated with Buddhism. There appeared actually to be a positive side in that, in that it was all a symbolic breaking of any ties of mine to Buddhism* and all its control agenda aspects (i.e. dark force influences), and so I went right ahead and destroyed those. It appeared to me as events unfolded, that the intention of the dark force interfering with me must have been to use the supposed breaking of ties with Buddhism as a springboard for me to then be taken into serious 'dark' practices (i.e. in the light of the further ordeals that I was taken through), but actually all it succeeded in doing, apart from causing me some temporary severe disruptions in my life, was to show me more of the nature and modus operandi of the dark force - I think not quite what it was trying to achieve!

* Little did I know then just how important - indeed, urgently so - it most likely really had been that I have that little smash-up session then! It looks to have been tremendously helpful to me in a way that I had no idea of till I did some inner inquiry / energy testing in early 2009.

Actually, on the face of it, because I'm a no-soul incarnation (i.e. according to my own working model of how reincarnation operates), any ties to Buddhism that I seemed to be carrying couldn't have been genuinely mine apart from the very superficial one of having briefly embraced Buddhism around the time of my enlightenment in early 1997. Some of the parasitic lost souls attached to me did have ties to Buddhism, I think, including Buddhist vows, but there were limits to the extent I could break those ties, because although they were affecting me to a certain extent they were simply not mine, and thus, like emotional issues of the attached parasitic lost souls, would have been much slower and more difficult to clear than anything similar that truly belonged to me myself.

However, what looks very likely to have been the case (pointed to by much more recent inner inquiry) is that nearly all of the problem that I was carrying, relating to those connections, was actually an illusory reality that the dark force had covertly been building and cultivating in a more or less hidden part of my mindspace, in which I had actually had one or more past lives in supposedly high level Tibetan Buddhism and had taken vows and had taken on beliefs in sequential, karmic reincarnation, in severe retributional karma and in the whole 'menagerie' of hells in the Buddhist teachings. As far as I can tell, this illusory reality was created and being built up specifically during the earlier part this particular (October 2004) sequence of ordeals for what looks to have been an actually quite alarming and indeed chilling purpose.

If my inner inquiry results are anything like correct, now it becomes clear just why I was motivated and indeed 'guided' to do what I could to break my apparent Buddhist connections at that time - something that had always seemed a bit strange for the dark force to 'guide' me to do, seeing that any of that Buddhist crap in my system would have furthered the dark force's agenda for me. My inner inquiry suggests that it was NOT the dark force that motivated me to do that, but my own deeper aspects, which could see a potentially serious threat to me rapidly developing because of that illusory reality that the dark force was still covertly building and strengthening in that hidden part of my mindspace.

I can indeed now see the potentiality for severe trouble in the later parts of that sequence of severe ordeals if I'd not taken that radical step and done that smashing-up at that time. Although I had no significant true Buddhist connections of my own, that illusory reality, sneakily there in the back of my mind, was beginning to have the effect upon me, in my ungrounded state during those ordeals, of becoming a part of my actual subjective reality, so that the dark force could then drop me into the illusion of those Buddhist hells, supposedly as the result of the severe retributional karma that was included in that illusory reality.

Now, what had appeared to be just a lot of hot air from my actually dark force 'guidance' during the later part of that sequence of ordeals, about me being about to be dropped into the Hell of Ultimate Torment (and other hells too) comes to have a much more sinister ring. I could possibly have been dropped into desperately horrific and traumatizing experiences, with considerable uncertainty as to the viability of my state following that. Indeed, my indications are that there's a distinct possibility that I'd have gone into a coma state, inwardly experiencing one or more of the hells subjectively for 'aeons', while nasty things would most likely have then been done by medics to try to bring me round. Indeed, whether I'd have come out of that coma at all is itself in doubt, no matter what anyone would have done to try to 'save' me.

Indeed, for a time during those ordeals, that sort of thing was precisely what my 'guidance' was claiming was going to happen to me. But in the event, no trace of any hells or real 'nasties' could manifest for me apart from the straightforward attacks from the dark force, because my 'cutting all Buddhist connections' smash-up session had actually altered that virulent illusory reality by actually breaking at least much of my connection with Buddhism, which had existed within that illusory reality. Thus, in functional terms that illusory reality was largely destroyed, even though it was still present but then relatively harmless.

Although the dark force most likely got to work at once to replace or 'repair' that illusory reality, the latter could no longer 'work' on me for that purpose, because I then 'knew' that I'd broken my ties with Buddhism, and that would have prevented the particular illusory reality from affecting me very much any more, even though within that illusory reality I did indeed have Buddhist connections again.

Having said that, however, I don't know how far that very nasty scenario would really have worked on me, because of the dogged groundedness of a particular part of my awareness that had to be pretty seriously ungrounded for such methods to work at least fully on me. As evidenced by my general resistance to being dragged into seriously troublesome astral realm experiences, the chances are that the "I'm still a Buddhist at heart" illusory reality, even if it had become a full-blown astral realm, wouldn't have been able to have at least the full intended effect on me.

Still, that had been, on the face of it, a chilling and significant possibility for me. Thank goodness I did let go of my inhibitions and have that little smash-up session - just in case!

In retrospect it looks mighty significant that there was never any suggestion that I destroy or dispose of the sacred geometry wands made by GH, and indeed for most of the time my purported guidance was actually encouraging and directing my use of them - very good evidence indeed that they were serving some purpose for 'the dark side', regardless of their maker's presumed best intentions. In fact at the time I was feeling little niggling doubts about those wands, and was slightly feeling that there could be something 'dark' about the merkaba constructions on them - but I assumed that that was just problematical aspects of my 'guidance' trying to put me off them. In reality it was presumably my own deeper aspects continually seeking to warn me about them!

Indeed, in my December 2004 ordeals, just before I got myself back to hospital to get my awareness regrounded and rebalanced, my 'guidance' (i.e. the dark force) was working hard to cover up very strong warnings indeed that my deeper aspects were trying to communicate to my ordinary mind. How the dark force managed it was to distort the warning into an additional little convolution to the big mass of story that it was loading me up with at that time. Allegedly I was then entering into the dying process, and my 'vibration rate' had become so low that, because of their extremely high 'vibration rate', the sacred geometry wands would actually burn me, so I had to get them right out of my flat.

So, I was directed initially to put them all away in a cupboard in my living room, but then the story developed further and allegedly I'd got to get right out of my flat (and commit suicide), and the flat was going to be set alight and burnt down - but first I had to get all those wands out into a safe place. The best I could do was put them all in a rucksack and put them in the communal drying room (shared just with my immediate neighbour, who I was sure wouldn't interfere), just next to my flat. I noted with a bit of amused scepticism, that it was supposedly okay for me to handle those wands to put them into the rucksack and take it into the drying room, even though they were supposed to be burning me (which they clearly weren't).

In fact I didn't go out and throw myself into the Exeter Ship Canal (in the dark) as I was initially being told to, and then it was a very half-hearted attempt at wrist-slashing, from which my own deepest aspects protected me, and then I scuppered the attempts to get me to kill myself, by getting myself to the hospital - but what was decidedly significant was the way that my 'guidance' (i.e. the dark force) was insistent that those wands needed to be preserved, for, allegedly my flat was still going to be burnt down once I was off to the hospital. The story was that, as I was allegedly dying, GH, the maker of the wands, would get 'guidance' to call in there and collect those wands, which then could be used by other people.

Unfortunately, once I was back from the hospital I was assuming that I'd been told yet another bit of rubbish, about those wands being harmful to me, and so resumed using them, thankful to have 'blown' that bit of fiction from the dark force - not realizing that the 'fiction' was actually an extreme distortion of a genuine warning about those wands that my own deeper aspects had been trying to get to my ordinary mind.

In early 2005 I'd resolved to have nothing to do with the troublesome 'guidance', but I still had major surfacings of anxiety, fear and panic feeling regardless, and on two occasions what I labelled as full-throttle terror - an awesomely testing experience. I still didn't really know whether these troubles were attacks from external beings or were just my healing process being virtually out of control in a particularly virulent 'healing crisis'*. But what was suspicious was that it was only fear and related feelings that were coming up like this. That suggested very much what I took to be 'low-level astral' beings** as the culprits, for a straightforward healing crisis would normally involve the surfacing of a lot of grief-related feelings as well. Anyway, for the time being I put away the sacred geometry wands that were allegedly powerful emotional 'strippers'*** so that I was not freeing up more trauma material at such a great rate.

* What I didn't realize then was that, as already noted, the whole concept of a 'healing crisis' is yet another of the 'boguses' that have come to us from the dark force. No genuine healing causes adverse side effects, let alone at any sort of crisis level. All those problems are caused by dark force interference - both direct attacks and various other adverse effects of dark force interference cause by people getting increasingly ungrounded and weakened in their energy systems by the harm that is coming to them from their dark force distorted healing methods. The troublesome after-effects that many people experience from Reiki attunements is an example of that sort of thing. They have no idea of the amount of harm that is done by practices like that, putting harmful symbols into people's energy systems and so causing further weaknesses in their energy systems, which the dark force can then exploit. It's not just direct harm from the symbols, but the latters' ongoing distortion of the healing energy that such people are using upon themselves and others, which has unbalancing effects that pure, from-the-core-essence healing would never have.

** As I now understand it, the whole conception of higher and lower outside the physical reality is bogus and comes to us from the dark force, as does the very notion that anything in the astral sub-reality could be an actual conscious being. The reality, as far as I can ascertain it, is that the dark force, whose true nature is explained in The True Nature of 'The Dark Force' and its Interference and Attacks, deceives a huge proportion of people into believing that it is actually conscious non-physical beings, whether they be apparently low or high - and people's belief in the 'reality' of those beings helps to maintain the strength and indeed very existence of the dark force.

*** GH, the maker of the wands, had claimed that my severe upwellings of the emotional trauma feelings was caused simply by my overuse of those wands, and that although I did have some "astral beings" in my aura, they couldn't harm me if I ignored them. I felt at the time - and this was borne out by subsequent experience - that he was withholding important information from me owing to flaky, dark force sourced 'guidance' that he'd received. As I understand it now, it was the dark force attacking me that was causing the major problems - though I now understand that the wands had been making me greatly more susceptible to such attacks in the first place.

These attacks continued periodically throughout 2005 and into 2006, but I became very gradually stronger and so the attacks became gradually less threatening and disruptive for me. In retrospect I see 2005 as having been a very difficult year, despite my having kept my head 'above water' quite remarkably and enjoyed many things in life despite the repeated horrific feelings of the attacks and the continual sleep deprivation.

In August 2005 "Archangel Michael"* channelled to me an explanation (at last!) of my early childhood torments and indeed my issue with the 'astral beings' and my having all the masses of fear-related emotions surfacing. (See Night Hells (Night Terrors) and Hearing Voices.) So I was then greatly empowered by at last understanding reasonably fully what was going on. After that, as I was still getting 'astral' interference in my channelling I made a really firm commitment** not to accept any more guidance or channelled information, for the 'astral beings' were very intrusive and constantly answering thoughts of mine, and I couldn't tune out from that.

* As I now understand, there is no true Archangel Michael higher being, and so this was a deception given to me by the dark force. As already indicated in other notes, I'm now distanced from all channelled or alleged past life information, but at least the particular channelling did give me a handle for applying a fuller and more effective healing to my night terrors trauma and also to point to real healing possibilities for other people with night terrors / hearing voices issues. Through a process of inner inquiry I have since gained insights that point to the likely true scenario underlying those night terrors, and I give that alongside the original, distorted explanation, in Night Hells (Night Terrors) and Hearing Voices.

As to the actual source of that particular information about the night terrors, something really positive was happening when I was channelling then, for the basic source was my own deeper aspects, but the catch was that it was all being relayed to me by the dark force - which is what always is happening when one channels. The story, as presented to me in that channelling, although pointing me very roughly along the right lines, contained a particularly serious distortion, which was the point of the dark force allowing me to get any true information at all about the true nature of night terrors.

Among other distortions was the notion that I was in deep trouble because I was accumulating through successive lifetimes an absolutely massive trauma from night terrors, which allegedly were caused by the Tibetan Buddhist esoteric Tögal meditation practice that I'd allegedly been carrying out in a lifetime when I was a student of Padmasambhava in the 700s A.D. The point of this was to convince me that I was carrying a huge trauma that was too big by far to be healed by 'ordinary' emotional healing methods that I knew then (I'd been consistently misdirected away from really helpful fast-track methods), and which was absolutely imperative for me to clear from myself within this lifetime. The rider to this was that it was therefore absolutely imperative that I follow my (actually dark force) 'guidance' to submit myself to the most rough and harsh 'healing' methods, day and night over an extended period, with no time for such a thing as sleep (and presumably eating or lavatory functions!).

For a very short time I actually bought that big lie, and did start getting really worried in a superficial sort of way, but my own deepest aspects did manage to get the odd communications to me through all the dark force obfuscations, and I realized that such a punitive healing regime was neither necessary nor intended by any truly beneficial consciousness.

Then of course in 2007 I came to understand what all the trauma really was, and, as far as I could establish, it was NOT to any significant extent trauma of my own, from my own night terrors, but was some of that carried by my load of attached parasitic lost souls. And soon I was using really powerful fast track methods for clearing all that garbage, AND also I then had a method (energy testing) that I was able to use in a process of inner inquiry that enabled me to get some idea of what the true cause and mechanism of night terrors was, so that I could clear out the distortions that were in my original channelled information.

** Actually the intrusiveness of the dark force made it impossible for me to maintain that commitment for more than a few months, and that led, in early 2006, to my adopting for much of that year a proactive engagement strategy in which I sought effectively to turn the tables on the 'astral entities' (really the dark force and not entities at all, but I didn't know that then) and supposedly be their tormentor.

From then on the name of the game was taking measures to switch the balance of power - to disempower the troublesome 'astral beings' (as I still thought they were then) and empower myself. However, for quite some time, because I was interpreting my dark force interferences as 'astral beings', my attempts to disempower them were not effective, except in that I was boosting my own self confidence and enabling myself to feel less of a victim and more the master of my situation. Unfortunately, by seeking to 'turn the tables' on the 'astral beings' I was actually reinforcing them and enabling them (i.e. the dark force) to lead me on in various ways, so the improvement of my situation was only very gradual, with many very nasty sequences of attacks and near-crises, and indeed very major crisis events in August-September 2006 and February 2007.

I expand on these and my further, increasingly effective self healing and clearance process on the continuation from this page.

What about healings to cast out the 'astral beings'?

I had healings from several other people to try to clear the 'entities' out and seal them out of my energy system. I have detailed these in The Dark Force ('Astral Entities') - My Own Tough Experiences. Also, periodically I invoked 'Archangel Michael' or the 'Highest Will' to achieve this end - but always to no avail. I also periodically used the Am Re Reiki method of supposedly clearing out unwanted entities, again, naturally, to no avail. Hardly surprising, of course, seeing that it was all invoking the dark force to clear out the dark force!

Also, as 'astral beings' are not beings nor true entities, as explained in 'Astral Entities' - Interference and Attacks from 'The Dark Side, they cannot be cast out by any method at all. They can only be gradually 'faded out' from one's life experience over quite a long time-scale. From May 2007, at long last I started in earnest taking on and using truly effective methods for this purpose.

I must emphasize that this issue was not one of normal psychic protection, so people who were advising me to 'protect' myself were way off course and had not understood my situation nor the nature of dark force interference at all.

It's a remarkably little known fact that all normal protection methods are ineffective against the dark force and any of the multitude of types of entity that it poses as - particularly as, as already noted, those apparent entities are actually not true entities in the first place. The only genuine protection from the dark force is the intrinsic invulnerability of yourself as a self actualized person, which is progressively opened up by an ongoing truly effective self actualization process - see Healing and Self Actualization - The Safest and Quickest Way.

Fast track emotional healing methods

During 2005 my attention was brought to two fast-track methods for emotional clearance, either of which could potentially have helped me a great deal, it seemed at the time - 3D Mind (particularly) and the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It looked at the time as though potentially 3D Mind could have speedily dissolved all my remaining major trauma material, but somehow I couldn't get my mind round its particular way of visualizing and manipulating the emotions. It uses a process of what you might call 'neutralization with opposites'. I did use it apparently successfully on one occasion, but after that I floundered with it.

I soon came to see that, because few people would have sufficient clarity to be able to use it effectively, 3D Mind was not a method really worth recommending. And because it requires the user to be aware of an issue in order to address that issue with it, it's bound to leave major issues untouched if the person is unaware of them (virtually nobody is aware of all their issues). The latter of course is to a fair extent also a problem with the EFT and The Work, which is why I now promote primarily methods that don't require such awareness of specific issues at all - particularly Self-Power Walking, backed up by the Returning Life Sequence, both of which require no mental input at all, with Grounding Post being the most easy and effective to use when you can identify particular thoughts, beliefs or issues to 'zap'.*

* My inner inquiry suggests that the Returning Life sequence is not so specifically an emotional clearance method, for it is pretty well across the board in restoring degraded or 'spent' life force 'energies', but its effectiveness does include a certain level of the emotional clearance process in such a way that it facilitates the emotional clearance process brought about by other methods.

Also an additional thing that is very helpful to be doing alongside the actual emotional clearance is using an Energy Egg to enable you to become immune to specific 'emotional button pushings' or 'restimulations' of emotional stress that you are carrying. This is able to happen because the Energy Egg's programming recognises much emotional button pushing as a type of environmental stress. In my experience it is more effective against some 'button pushings' than others, but I have still found it very helpful when used in that way.

In any case, my inner inquiry brings up a serious caution about 3D Mind. If my indications from that inner inquiry are correct, there appears to be a problematical aspect of the way it affects its users - emptying / clearing their minds in an unhealthy, unbalanced way. The problem appears to be that it is so extremely effective in clearing particular issues, that it gets one into a weirdly 'patchy' unbalanced state, in which one has areas of great clarity in one's awareness while there remain areas of actually pretty well untouched confusion. Such people can easily regard themselves or be regarded by others as enlightened (and thus be unmotivated to continue a process of personal change to clear the rest and become properly self actualized), and if indeed they are enlightened at all it would generally be only in a patchy way that could give rise to all sorts of problems for them.

To a certain extent the same problem could arise for particular people even with the use of any very effective piecemeal emotional clearance method - even The Work and the EFT - but with 3D Mind this issue is much more pronounced and potentially can be a very major problem for some people - part of the problem being that usually the affected people would have no idea that they had any such problem or that they'd had anything other than wonderful effects from using that method.

That underlines the importance of Self-Power Walking and the Returning Life Sequence for general emotional clearance, because, to the best of my understanding, they work on your 'material' much more across the board, eventually clearing out the attached lost souls, to which most or indeed all of the emotional issues would really belong. Although Grounding Post, which can be used for clearing specific emotional issues, is a piecemeal method, it really comes into its own when used with the former two methods, so that there is general clearance occurring too. I regard Self-Power Walking rather than Grounding Post as being the primary emotional clearance method, and Grounding Post is most useful for clearing thought forms, illusory realities, beliefs and indeed energy implants. So, overall, the methodology that I took up and developed is one for a particularly balanced self healing and self actualization process.

The EFT I tried later in 2005, and I felt that it had a lot of potential. Also it's very handy because you can learn it virtually for free.

However, later on I came to realize that it was of limited use for me because, like so many emotional healing methods (including The Work - see below), although it would have been very effective for clearing my own emotional issues, in fact I had virtually none left of my own to start with, and what the EFT is nothing like so effective in clearing is the emotional issues of parasitic lost souls or other entities that are attached to you. In early 2007 I did get using it a bit more, and did get some limited weakening of attacks when using it, but this was nothing at all like the sort of progressive immunization against attacks that you can give yourself by the Grounding Post procedure, with Self-Power Walking for general clearance of all emotional trauma and stress energies stored anywhere in your own system or in any attached entities, and use of the Energy Egg to enable you to become immune to any particular 'emotional button pushing', which latter is recognised in the Energy Egg's programming as an environmental stress.

Byron Katie's 'The Work'

"Four questions [and one or more turnaround statements] that can change your life". This simple and exciting method of inner inquiry to sort out one's life and bring about self actualization was brought to my notice in March 2006 by a friend who had been using The Work for 6 months with what he described as spectacular positive results. My own results also seemed spectacular in relation to anything I'd tried before. However, I found certain problems about it too.

It turned out not to be so effective at clearing out emotional issues of attached entities such as parasitic lost souls, so actually, despite initial superficial appearances, it was not anything like as powerful for me as I first thought. Also, sitting down at my work-desk doing my sessions of that repetitive inquiry every day, each time following through the same rigorous procedure, was getting tedious. In addition, the dark force at times interfered to make the going difficult, and at times, particularly leading up to my September 2006 and February 2007 major crisis events, the dark force effectively hijacked my use of The Work, making it into a stressful process that was getting reminiscent of the excessively harsh and at times scary healing methods that the dark force had been trying to drag me through in earlier 'dark times' with it.

However, to put this in a more balanced perspective, I'm pretty sure that if I'd had The Work and the EFT at or near the time of my original 1972 emotional crisis I could have bypassed the apparent need for any of the other healing and self actualization methods I'd used prior to 2007* apart from the Alexander Technique, and would very likely have crossed the enlightenment threshold in the 1970s rather than 1997. However, I would almost certainly have still needed much more effective methods to get fully clear of the parasitic lost souls in a reasonable time, together with all the crap that they were carrying.

* One slight exception - I started using an Energy Egg and Guardian Angel (see further below) in 2006, and they marked the very beginning of a new and really purposeful phase in the whole clearance process, even though those particular devices are not specifically billed as emotional clearance aids.

The very beginning of my real clearance process

I describe in How I Discovered a True Self Actualization Strategy how I stumbled upon the Energy Egg.

A pronounced further acceleration in the manifestation of my intrinsic peaceful, buoyant happiness (which was coming more and more noticeably to persist through all attacks from the 'astral beings') came in early July 2006, when I purchased an Energy Egg. As I understand it, this got to work progressively dissolving my lifelong accumulation of environmental stress on my energy system (in line with claims made for the Energy Egg by its developers) - and I assumed that that included the significant negative effects of the presence of the 'astral beings'*. To further speed the process I purchased a second one and a Guardian Angel - a larger 'sibling' of the Energy Egg, which has additional functionality.

* Actually, at that time I thought that it was negative effects from the 'astral beings', but my understanding now is that, although there were negative effects from the dark force, which is what the supposed 'astral beings' effectively really were, I had parasitic lost souls attached to me, as I explain on this page's sequel page, and it was more the accumulated negative effects of those that was starting to be cleared by the Energy Egg and Guardian Angel - that is, in addition to the immediate task of clearing out the accumulated environmental stress from all the crystals and wands in my flat - including the harm done by the sacred geometry wands.  -- Well, except that at that stage the Energy Egg and Guardian Angel couldn't help me much with regard to the wands because I hadn't thought to tune the Energy Egg to them, whereas I did tune it to the considerable collection of crystals on my window ledges.

Because of the large amount of damage in my non-physical aspects ('energy system'), it was not really possible to tell just how effective these devices really were being for me, but I did have some sense that for the first time I had something that really was doing something towards my eventually becoming immune to interference and attacks from 'astral beings' and any other entities. Little did I know then how much of a turnaround they were eventually to lead me into the following year and subsequently!

The Energy Egg and Guardian Angel, each sitting on its respective transmitter base

In mid September 2006 I discontinued ploughing through The Work worksheets every day, and subsequently I was simply putting to inquiry the occasional judgement, stressful or believed thought that arose in my mind. However, to a certain extent the dark force led me astray again in use of The Work, making it a stressful part of the build up of a major crisis event, in February 2007 - of which more in the continuation of this account.

It is ironic that I've spent so much of my life using emotional healing methods that now look outdated and extremely long-winded and had given me a tortuous and at times rough journey. How different this life would have been if I'd had the Returning Life Sequence and the Grounding Post procedure and Self-Power Walking right at the beginning!

During my September 2006 very major crisis event my channelling got me my first intimations that the emotional issues that I was carrying and that were being used as ammunition by the 'astral beings' were not my own. However, the story at that time was (of course!) a distortion aimed at causing me more confusion and trouble. Allegedly I had healing connections to 26 actual people who were supposedly connected to me from many previous lifetimes, and this was all because of a crazy contract that allegedly I had made with them at soul level very many lifetimes ago, to heal all their emotional issues as well as my own in this lifetime. Clearly my own deepest aspects were seeking to inform me about my parasitic lost souls issue, but of course it had come out all distorted because it was being relayed to me by the dark force.

The particular crisis event during which I gained that distorted information was quite an eye opener in various ways, and I now invite you to read my page One Right Weirdo Hike - What Do You Make of This?, so that you begin to see the context in which all this was happening, and indeed a possible particularly sinister aspect, which ultimately assisted me toward an extremely important albeit somewhat speculative insight.

Please continue to the next page...

This account is expected to be updated periodically...